spiritually

[spiritually]

Jaume Plensa - Yorkshire Sculpture Park

[spiritually]

.

Nevermind I'm growing increasingly pissed at myself for ever going through with this lukewarm façade. Yeah, sure, fitting to become a stale piece of cardboard for people's sake on my fucking in-s​​​​ys bi​rth​​day. As if I'd want any more reason to dislike my ap​pearance in this sys. God. It really would've been better if I never fronted at all.

It was appealing for the same reason hours ago. A fresh start at a good time. I'd go ahead and follow and talk to new "friendly" people with shared interests, no longer likely to be judged for having a personality/some opinions because they wouldn't know I had one.

If only there were someone who snapped us to reality and told how inane it is to focus on this online shit. That we should've focused on having day-by-day progress, chipping away at our longterm goals. Learn things. Do things. If talent doesn't exist, hard work can make us shine.

Now. Instead of doing either, I "celebrated" (took the date as an excuse to take things easy) by getting high, not even enjoying the high, and wasting the entire day.

Come the fuck on.

[spiritually]

The idea of 'mutual follows means we're friends' had always been rather stupid from the start. I remember our core having complained about it in ~2016. In fact, even if they did chat or send things they like to you, it's no guarantee of whether they liked you. Everything is aimed toward the mask, not to the one under.

And that's understandable. It's a dog-eat-dog thing in that everyone has their own lives and should ideally prioritize their own enjoyment. To want to be known is an impossible goal, too, as masks and faces are welded together.

[spiritually]

Ugh. Concoctions the potion of not comparing.

[spiritually]

Hm. Getting my hopes up thinking a mutual actually cared about my little vent when it was actually that they were meaning to reblog another post. One I obviously didn't make.

But that's petty to unfollow about even if I really fucking wanted to right now, so I have to grin and bear being ignored as ever. C'est la vie.

[spiritually]

Haha. I'm playing along now. A finger on the pulse of society. How exciting, to lob off whatever authenticity we wanted and revert to being as compliant to people's expectations as we've always been.

Though, something I still don't know if I'll play along with is putting an age range.

I don't get how people on socmed are staunchly going "ageless blogs are the suck" and expect blogs not to lie about age. Feels either performative or a them-issue (such as intrusives, wanting to avoid consequences, or all of the above).

In any case. It's not rooted in any tangible affects-us reason so I want to resist whenever possible, even with the body being 20+ years.

[spiritually]

Would be an ideal opportunity to start using my anger as a reason to be productive, or something. If not for the fact that we aren't³ allowed to be angry and emotional reguIation had grown rusty with disuse.

³(growing up and seemingly currently)

[spiritually]

'many scratched doors,' 1994 in sigalit landau - gabriele horn + ruth ronen (2008)

[spiritually]

This was actually meant to be one of those impersonal sideblogs where I only curate posts that make me look cool¹, but I suppose being mentally iIl has a way of ruining things².

¹(as per all my other blogs)

²(being in pain enough to unmask where nobody but people who already know can see)

[spiritually]

I feel like I truly regret having turned the main into something newer. It should've been laid to rest in 2023 and not have followed anyone new. That way we could be content with not being seen, because we never tried otherwise. We're too stubborn to ne​​​​twork properly on personal mains. Unless we start masking heavily again, social ventures would've always ended up a failure.

[spiritually]

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Smarts aren't everything. I don't think people can be measured by something as subjective as worth even if the majority of the planet deems smarts as worthy.

But everyone we want to be like is seemingly hyper-competent.

And we are competent, too, but even so we'll never be acknowledged as clever Unless we actively hack off parts of our identity. Because people only want you to be smart when you're 'on their side' and being impersonal is one way of letting them assume you're on their side.

We have never been seen as fucking competent growing up and it's feeling like we won't ever be because we've grown used to never fucking showing it.

UNLESS whenever we distance our self enough. Only then do we feel comfortable enough to put ourselves out and not get discouraged when efforts don't receive the results we want.

Because, hey, it's not personal! We didn't share that much personal details there! So, it's fine that nobody gives a shit, because it's not us being judged it's the mask!

Right.

[spiritually]

It's a l​​​​​​earned helplessness.

We could obviously accomplish a lot if we focused hard everyday, figuring out what literally everyone else already figured out.

We could focus on:

La​​​​​​​​nguage learning.

Le​​​​​galese learning.

Dra​​​wing & writing.

Eating 3 meals a day.

Cooking.

Budgeting.

Decorating.

Netw​​​​orking.

Curating a specific taste to buy things FOR decorating.

Getting j​​​​​obs.

Ta​​​​​xes and whatever else boring paperwork is involved with being a functional person who doesn't need their parents.

Being comfortable posting our sexuality.

Being a different type of tr​​​​​​​ans.

So, so many things that we could all start learning to do every single day if we were smart enough to try.

But because everyone* is already so fucking good at all of those, it paralyzes us into not trying at all. If it looks so natural for them surely it's something wrong with us instead.

*In which it's clearly an exaggeration made at 9 AM without sleep or meals in our stomach but it's STILL something we deeply believe because we have little to challenge it and everything to support it. I hate it here.

[spiritually]

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I really don't know why I still expect people to care whenever I hop onto this main. It seems to be just sh at the moment, our esteem as twisted as it is right now that a lack of notifs is somehow considered something worth crying and agonizing over. As if they're not just internet points.

There's an exception: Notifs from people who we talk to off-Tumblr and people who only interact with our impersonal community-centric posts somehow don't have the same impact. I believe this is because we are aware those categories have a higher likelihood of look at tags/the blogs.

Which really shouldn't be an exception and should definitely feel the same as everyone else's. I think that's unfair. Horrible, actually, like I'm taking people for granted without even meaning to. Some people like me and I like them very much too, I WISH I could repay it by feeling as equally satisfied. But it just somehow doesn't feel the same and I don't know how to fix this.

What I hate the most is that this is OUR fault.

We don't like not sharing important stances, we don't like hiding parts of ourselves just to get people's approval. But. we can't get anyone's approval or be anyone's friend if we don't.

Everyone makes it look so easy. It WOULD be easy and it used to be, if not for having to tolerate stupid opinions when we mask.

I post a somewhat personal and fun project, but people reblog someone else's reblog of that and give them notes instead. Either (1) nobody bothered to check us out from that, or (2) people who did bother to just ended up being turned off from something I don't know.

Can't help but feel I should've posted it on my own instead. All I did was be a supplemental.

I'm so frustrated. It's easier when you're in a community already and know the rules to getting people on yourself. Know what to say, how to say it, and which opinions to share.

If you're not in a community and try to just chill by yourself as authentically as you can, nobody seems to give a shit.

Obviously untrue however. People do. It's only that we somehow can't see anyone in our notifs other than friends who already talk to us and therefore we already know like us at least somewhat consistently.

(As well as people who only like our sideblogs where we post 'content'. Which I ought to have all privated by now — they're having a good time, enjoying whatever we put out months/years ago, but it's a bit annoying when we're nowhere near personal over on there. I'm treated like a content dispenser and I was fine with that before. I guess.)

I used to be similarly frustrated on my other accounts, too. Even if it was fun to play the impersonal funnyguy, people obviously gravitated toward me for my lack of personal details and my publicized wit. The issue with doing that is I don't WANT to just be liked for being impersonal or mysterious or unique or whatever. I want to actually connect with people I like. Not just. I don't know, following whoever would follow back and putting slop I dislike onto the dash? That's sometimes what I did during that time for the sake of networking.

What now.

Posting things I like makes me feel bad

Not posting things at all makes people not see us

Posting only other people's things makes people see them and not us

Showing traits to attract an in-group will always brand us as the out-group to others

This is literally only a s​​​​​​​​​ocial media issue and I'm eating myself in shame and anger at how much the numbers game affects our stupid mental health.

The one (1) sysmate who didn't want to do socmed stuff had been coaxed into doing socmed stuff and NOW he's ALSO affected by socmed stuff. When he was our best shot at touching gr​​​​​​​​​ass. Who will feed, drink, draw, and play for us now.

[I do not raise my hand.]

[spiritually]

type of guy who is always waiting for excuse or opportunity to go into exile

[spiritually]

An impermanence in understanding.

[spiritually]

Alchemical figures carved on the tomb of Nicholas Flamel (1418)

[spiritually]