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[spoiledpooh45]

Just need to vent 

Where do i begin? Well all my life i have felt broken and defeated i guess you can say. I watched my own parent go thru things and this probably affected my life in a huge way but as a child you really don’t know the difference you just go with the flow. I mean personally I was never abused or anything like that but it was a very dysfunctional home maybe at some point i might write about that but I think i just wanted to try and put my feelings somewhere that they might be able to be heard and maybe help someone else and maybe if i am lucky enough someone can help me also. So when i got to the age of knowing what right is my parents finally decided to get divorced and then things went from bad to worse. I watched my mother get into a worse relationship with a person who did not care enough about my mom to not put his hands on her. She would cover up the abuse and lie about things which i now understand the principle behind that. I’m not saying that was right but i understand it. Then things wound up happening there and i moved out and began my own life and relationships. I got pregnant with my first child at 17 and if i look back on that relationship it was probably some type of abuse but I was to young and blind to admit it. Moving forward i then got in a relationship 5 years later and got pregnant with my second child, this relationship was definitely abusive- physical, mental, financial everything i was the punching bag for it all no matter how “good” i thought i was being it was never enough. Now in the midst of these two major relationships i found out i was a type 1 diabetic and honestly i would never take care of myself. In the beginning it was i felt that i was being cursed for whatever reason and then in that second relationship i mentioned it was my form of not wanting to live or die. Let me explain that part- i knew i had my children and I knew i was the only one they had because their other parent was no where in the picture. So consciously i wanted to live but sub-consciously i did not want to keep going thru the abuse of my second child’s father. I was constantly in the hospital due to what’s called DKA because it would be days or weeks even when i would not take my insulin because i just didn’t want to explain to anyone what i was dealin with. Finally i was strong enough to leave that relationship and I honestly don’t know where i got the strength from but i did. Then i started taking care of myself but i also have always struggled with being jealous and insecure whenever i am involved. SO this brings me to currently i am with someone for about 3 years and what i thought was the best thing in my life is turning out to be exactly the same without the physical abuse. I do not feel good enough he is constantly lying about stupid things and then when i bring it up i am always wrong or imagining things. It’s like a never ending battle, then he convinced me to move from my home state where my entire family is and I’m here in a new place for almost 10 months now and I haven’t met a friend out here yet( maybe its because of my lack of trusting people) maybe its because i am very introverted now I don’t know but i can say I know i am very depressed and its killing me slowly i know this much. HE has me here alone and he does what he wants and has cheated several times and then says oh I’m not stopping you from doing anything you can do whatever you want, if only it were that simple though. I want to leave and in my heart its telling me to leave but i have no money to pack up and go anywhere and i also have three dogs that i will not leave with him because although he doesn’t hit me he does hit the dogs and whenever i try to defend them the argument gets worse for us but in my mind I’m like they don’t have a voice so i am their voice. I just feel so broken and i keep asking him why does he stay with me if he wants others and he tells me he does that to get my attention because i am so hard on him and he wants me to realize that he loves me so much but I’m like how do you love me if you keep doing this. Help me !!!