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[spondeesoliloquy]

April 7

what will hurt less in the morning? the knowing? the going? the lost?

[spondeesoliloquy]

April 6

sometimes the worry is worth it. sometimes it matters, this caring— this fearing what could have been lost, the chasing the dream of the sky— my hands are new-calloused and burning, and my heart has relearned how to fly.

[spondeesoliloquy]

April 5

i’ll stop being sorry tomorrow. i’ll move on. i’ll give up on waiting for people who don’t exist. who won’t be coming for me, who live only in my dreams. i’ll forget there was ever this longing and try to live life as it comes.

[spondeesoliloquy]

April 4

set the sun down. it goes roughly from the apex to your hands. be gentle with the final fall— it’s earned better. let it be soft.

[spondeesoliloquy]

April 3

there’s something careful, cautious in this space, here, between us. i could wish it flown away or just savor it as ours.

[spondeesoliloquy]

April 2

there is joy. i could forget that when the scope of all the universes living in the spaces between every searching eye or reaching heartbeat makes me dizzy— i could forget where it is possible to find ourselves, in all of that. I’m glad not to forget. i’m glad that there is joy.

[spondeesoliloquy]

April 1

it’s nice to be loved in a way that i know— every love echoes so different, you see, i’m learning them slow as i go on my way but i’m rooted in those long familiar to me.

[spondeesoliloquy]

March 31

the light came back so quickly— i forgot it could be like this till all at once i’m drowning in it the taste alive and sharp.

[spondeesoliloquy]

March 30

there might be something better later for the letting go of now. for paying with a heartbeat that could feed me for a day. but i like that heartbeat so, and ‘now’’s the only place i’m sure i am.

[spondeesoliloquy]

March 29

there are no ways back to the past. i forget this when i can, it’s undignified, you see, to find oneself forever pounding at a window that will never break or let me pass again.

[spondeesoliloquy]

March 28

there isn’t enough time to make up for what’s been lost. there will never be an equal to the dreams that can’t come true.

[spondeesoliloquy]

March 27

I’ve reached the end. will there be rest here? can i let myself collapse, when i’ve learned there’s never really endings, only work yet to be done?

[spondeesoliloquy]

March 26

the end is getting further every time i’ve reached for it, i move right past the point where i thought i might escape. i’m stuck in my own worry— i can’t keep going and go fast.

[spondeesoliloquy]

March 25

you don’t want me to love you. i don’t know how. i’ll do it wrong. i never learned. i dreamed instead of someone who’d find parts of me worth loving. i never tried to practice finding someone else to know.

[spondeesoliloquy]

March 23

every echo of the past comes back with fewer syllables— lands like stones on tin. dull and not quite breaking through.

[spondeesoliloquy]

March 22

there are points at which my brain gives up. sometimes there are too many. sometimes i wish that there were more. i never like the feeling of being broken-minded, of knowing that I’m missing something others think I have.

[spondeesoliloquy]

March 21

i’m waiting. i don’t know what for— tomorrow, or the rain to fall, or to forget my name, or to remember what i’ve lost or to get used to pain, or to become pedestrian or to consume the fruits of springs that maybe wouldn’t come, or the day i might meet you.