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thinking about her tonight

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so i've been thinking a lot & i have a ton of new ideas i want to work into nita's backstory. i really love her but i feel like i got excited & really jumped the gun making her blog before i had her story entirely ironed out? but! i am going to be adding some elements to her that i think will benefit her as a character.

i have been thinking very hard about making her older. i love love love the theme of her basically speedrunning her life in the beginning of it so it hink her background will be largely the same? but i think i am going to spread out her journey as a druid & her reshaping who she is & who she wants to be

i have been thinking very hard about her views on how she was raised & what that means to her. i think i haven't done enough with her shame in not meeting the standards society & herself set with her burning so bright initially

her design is everything to me. it is not going to be changing any time soon.

i was talking to one of my friends about druids' place in the underdark. how there is a really interesting dichotomy between the culture of the underdark & what druids provide & i feel like with nita being a very new druid i don't have as much of an opportunity to explore that. i don't think i want her to be like an elder druid or anything but i think i would like her to have a few decades under her belt instead of just a few years.

i also have been thinking about changing her names? because shortly after i made amanita, someone pointed out a background character in bg3 who is named amanita ( cazador's neice ) & i initially used the name because it is connected to mushrooms & fungus but there are other names i can use. but also i like the name amanita enough that i'm not sure whether or not i'm going to do that

i have really been thinking about what i want out of her story & narrative. i want to explore the themes of rot & rebirth, i want to really dig into her place in the underdark & why she is so eager to return to it, i want to explore her relationship with shared connection & why it is often difficult for her to be clear abt what connection means to her. there is so much more i want to look into with her, but this is just a start

all of this being said, i think relationships & dynamics that i have started here can still be very functionally similar. i don't think that things need to be scrapped because she will still act within the same lines as the first draft of her i presented. but i think the changes coming to her are going to make it easier to make those connections more substantial? things make a little more sense this way.

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like this for a nita in your inbox <3

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"this room is so suffocating." || @mindhallow

" don't be a baby, " nita insists, reaching for a swollen book nearly out of her reach. it was resting on a shelf near the ceiling of an old shack. the edges of the paper are lined with mold, she's sure it's been wet more than once. but she opens it up anyways, examining the black constellations that have formed in between handwritten passages.

the air is thick, still & sweet. given enough time, she would gleefully map out the fungus that had sprung up in every corner of this desolate place. it must have been someone's home once, long ago. what stories had these walls lost? some of them were in this book. the writing was in ink, faded but half legible. her mind races just dreaming of it. she curbs her curiosity when she looks to wish, who seems considerably less excited, " surely you can last just a few minutes more. then you can pick our next musty spot to explore. "

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↪     𝑴𝑼𝑺𝑰𝑪 ᶠᵒʳ ᵗʰᵉ 𝑺𝑶𝑼𝑳 .    (  a  collection  of  various unsorted lyric starters .  adjust  phrasing  as  necessary .   will be updated frequently .  )

i’m not sticking around to watch you go down .

i hope that you don’t suffer ,  but take the pain .

the truth is , i’ve never seen a mouth that i would kill to kiss .

we will be everything that we’d ever need .

you only listen to your fucking friends .

you made a few mistakes .  it’s alright ,  it’s okay .

i’m trying to get better , but i can’t do that when everything is about you .

i can name a couple ways this shit might go .

can you feel my heartbeat fuckin’ kickin ?

you were my everything and all you did was make me fuckin sad .

it’s kind of tripping me up , i’ve got it bad for you .

i’m on my own , i had some space to deal with it .

i’ve got it too good to cry .

i don’t know where i am or where i’ve been .

don’t treat me like some situation that needs to be handled .

finish up the bottle , then we’ll go .

this room is so suffocating .

motherfucker , don’t play with me .

there’s no doubt in my mind that if you could ,  then you would try .

i’m not the type to be out past dawn .

it’s been a long time since i felt this good on my own .

i really wish that i could say it to your face .

i kinda like it when you talk to me the way you do .

i’ve got something up my sleeve , i walk my talk .

i love you , but i know i’ve gotta let you go .

it’s getting hard to find a silver lining .

of course it hurt , of course it fucking hurt .

i know that you’re hiding something from me .

i don’t need to be loved by you .

trying to ignore it is fucking boring .

i tried to pretend ,  but it just doesn’t feel right .

i just can’t take it anymore .

i’m not trying to change your mind .

living in the city isn’t where it’s at .

don’t waste the time i don’t have ,  don’t try to make me feel bad .

i almost did it … glad that i didn’t .

you better run , you better do what you can .

yeah , i don’t really wanna be here .

pretty things should be seen and not heard .

can’t you bother someone else ?

now i’m sitting here wondering , when did this all start ?

i’m terrified but i can’t resist .

is there someone else or not ?

i’ve been around long enough now to know that good things never last .

i’d rather be the girl that got away than be under your thumb .

it ain’t so bad if i wanna make a few mistakes .

wish i could get some fuckin’ sleep without wasting all my weed .

you scared me to death ,  but i’m wasting my breath .

i feel like a kid again .

you were always taught to believe that everything you think is the truth .

nothing comes without a consequence or cost .

i don’t deserve someone loyal to me .

thought you were headed somewhere new .

touch me like tonight we’re gonna die .

can we go back to the world we had ? 

you should know right now that i never stay in one place .

i’d suffers hell if you’d tell me what you’d do to me tonight .

the games you played were never fun .

you said you’d stay , but then you ran .

if i can’t hold you like a lover , i won’t hold you at all .

you and i have history ,  or don’t you remember ?

i’ll be the one to deliver the news .

i’m better than this ,  i know my worth .

there’s something tragic about you .

you don’t know what it’s like , waiting up all night .

thank you for teaching me how i could live without you .

tell me what it is you wanna know .

you’re not a monster ,  you’re just human .

maybe i need better friends . or maybe i need a wake up call .

there’s so much to do , i’ll never have the wherewithal to do it .

i know i’d miss you ,  if i left right now .

i don’t like anyone better than you .

they told me once nothing grows when a house isn’t a home .

what makes you sure you’re all i need ?

i know you feel the way i do .

forever never really felt so right .

i overcommunicate and feel too much .

you say you’ve changed and you’re sorry ,  but i don’t wanna know .

i know i’ve got friends ,  i still get so lonely .

i’ve been doing greater good for a long time .

i’m no hero ,  but i can take a punch .

i thought it would all be great when i was older .

i used to be the one that was lying .

i can’t stand your condescending tone when you talk to me .

we’re still going cause we’re not quite dead .

i wanna scream ,  but what’s the use ?

i know what’s going on in your head .

you know ,  i never wanted to hurt you .

i don’t want to be a prisoner to who i used to be .

if we could stay this way forever , would it be enough ?

can’t you see that i’m getting bored ?

i hope you don’t think that shit’s fair .

i never knew you had such a dirty mind .

sometimes i don’t have a filter .

i’m the worst mistake that god has ever made .

you know i love you , but i’m still learning to love myself .

darling , you’re sick in the head .

am i someone you can’t live without ?

if you don’t come back , at least i’ve got nothing to lose .

did you think that i should listen to you ?

the meds aren’t working for me anymore .

goodbye to my good side ,  it only ever got me hurt .

you know ,  you’ve got a real smart mouth .

i know i’m where i belong .  deep down inside ,  i’ve known all along .

i’ve been putting myself on the sideline .

i was worth something , and it felt better in my mouth than fresh warm food .

i know i took the path that you would never want for me .

my tongue’s gotten real tired of me biting it .

you’re acting like your deadbeat dad .  you’re better than that .

i swear i changed my ways for the better .

i hate it when dudes try to chase me .

when you’re in love ,  you get so cruel .

sorry , but i guess i’ve gotta let you down again .

just fucking leave me alone .

i walk through this world just trying to be nice .

i can’t be your savior ,  i don’t have the power .

will heaven step in ?  will it save us from our sin ?

follow my lead ,  take my hand .

you should’ve made some plans with me ,  you knew that i was free .

there are things that we’ll never say , but we know .

the only way you can know is to give it all you have .

i’m not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain .

you get me through every dark night .

i know that i’ve done some wrong ,  but i’m trying to make it right .

now you’re over there ,  and i’m way over here , what are we gonna do ?

think about what you believe in .

if i keep my eyes closed ,  he looks just like you .

i don’t wanna feel better .  no one’s ever gonna love me like that again .

there are things that you say ,  and you don’t say .

all my filthy life i loved someone i barely knew .

bless your soul ,  you’ve got your head in the clouds .

what did you say ?  you��re breaking up on me .

if you adore me ,   why do you ignore me ?

you’re not as brave as you were at the start .

it was a bad idea ,  calling you up .

i see it on your face ,  you’ve had a bad day .

people are so fake ,  this world is a cruel place .

i’d rather be hunter than the prey .

someone’s gonna hate ,  it’s never gonna change .

you used to be so kind .

never gonna be easy ,  was it ?

every day’s another shot but all i do is fuck it up .

i can take the hate and all the pain .

it doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right .

tell your baby that i’m your baby .

they’ll kick you and they’ll beat you ,  and they’ll tell you it’s fair .

i wanted to pretend that this time was the end .

no one around me knows who i am or what i’ve done .

i would’ve gave it all for you .

i won’t run ,  i’m not afraid .

same way that they come ,  that’s the way they go .

somehow ,  i just want you more .

i never regretted the day that i called you mine .

i don’t want to get over you .

take it out on me .  i don’t mind if we fight if you make me bleed .

you look better in that dress than i do .

i know i let you down ,  didn’t i ?

it’s a cruel ,  cruel world .

i know i don’t want to live without you .

i’m always tired ,  i just can’t fight it .

i’m too consumed with my own life .

you didn’t think it’d be so much fun .

i won’t let you go ,  so don’t let go of me .

darling , you’re so pretty it hurts .

how’d i ever get so off my rocks ?

tell me where i went wrong .

what’s a king to a god ?  what’s a god to a non-believer ?

they’re out to get you ,  better leave while you can .

i know i’ll never know just what to say .

goddamn it ,  i was worth something .

we don’t need to be enemies .

should’ve kept my ass in bed .

i tried to love you ,  but you’re not my type .

there’s something here that i just can’t explain .

baby ,  is that really what you want ?

i’m not good at making friends .

i keep a close watch on this heart of mine .

i’m obsessed ,  i’ve never met someone like you .

can’t you see that you’re lost without me ?

when i’m like this , you’re the one i trust .

i was born into this , won’t hesitate to use my fists .

i always get my revenge .

the world thinks i’m a mess .

there’s something wrong with me ,  cause all i wanna do is get high .

it’s been a long time since i gave a shit .

sometimes i have these thoughts , they leave me all confused .

when i said take me home ,  that wasn’t what i meant .

oh my god ,  why are you sad again ?

you have to show them that you’re really not scared .

i don’t have many friends .  most of them are pretend .

i had my cake ,  and i ate it too .

i’m too afraid about the things i might say .

shit wasn’t real ,  it was all in my head .

it’s too late to apologize .

i know my disposition gets confusing .

you’ve gotta be so cold to make it in this world .

satisfaction is a distant memory .

no one can ever know .

there’s you in everything i do .

i wish i could say that i’m sorry ,  but i’m over that now .

you’re playing with your life ,  this ain’t no truth or dare .

fool me twice ,  and i know that’s all i need .

i hope if everyone leaves ,  you choose to stay .

i was afraid to leave you on your own .

where along the line did we stop seeing eye to eye ?

if they laugh ,  then fuck them all .

i’m sick and tired of everyone in this place .

i miss the way you made me feel .

he’ll never stay . they never do .

take a dose of something to forget .

aren’t we too young for this ?

i’m not the type to admit i’m wrong .

i shouldn’t think the things i’m thinking .

i don’t wanna know where you’ve been ,  or where you go .

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coming back from vacation tomorrow! things will be going back to normal activity afterwards. i haven't been stressing too much about keeping activity up while i've been gone because i simply have more important things to do! however i am very excited to get back in Business & work on nita & the relationships on this blog more!

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hozier lyrics, unreal unearth edition

❛  your reflection can't offer a word to the bliss of not knowing yourself. ❜

❛  no closer could i be to god or why he would do what he's done. ❜

❛  what you live in, it finds a way to live in you. ❜

❛  your heart has such darkness. ❜

❛  i wanna be gone. i wanna run so far, i'd beat the morning. ❜

❛  before the dawn has come, i'd block the sun if you want it done. ❜

❛  let all time slow. let all light go. ❜

❛  i don't need to know where we begin and end. ❜

❛  i'd still know you, not being shown you. ❜

❛  the first time that you kissed me, i drank dry the river lethe. the liffey would have been softer on my stomach all the same. ❜

❛  some part of me must have died the first time that you called me baby. ❜

❛  some part of me came alive the first time that you called me baby. ❜

❛  these days, i think, i owe my life to flowers that were left here by my mother. ain't that like them? gifting life to you again. ❜

❛  oh, to share the space with simple living things infinitely suffering but fighting off, like all creation, the absence of itself ... but anyway. ❜

❛  some part of me stayed alive each time that you called. ❜

❛  whatever keeps you around, it keeps you around. ❜

❛  when i was young i used to guess, are there limits to any emptiness? ❜

❛  how could you think i'd scare so easily? ❜

❛  my life was a storm since i was born. how could i fear any hurricane? ❜

❛  i would do it again if i could hold you for a minute. ❜

❛  what good would it be on the far side of things? ❜

❛  i would not change it each time. ❜

❛  heaven is not fit to house a love like you and i. ❜

❛  i feel lighter than i have in so much time. ❜

❛  how could i fall when i am lifted by every word you say to me? ❜

❛  if anything could fall at all, it's the world that falls away from me. ❜

❛  if you need to, lean your weight to me. ❜

❛  if we fall, i only pray, don't fall away from me. ❜

❛  i'm starving, darling. let me put my lips to something. ❜

❛  you can't buy this fineness. ❜

❛  we can celebrate the good that we've done. ❜

❛  we had nowhere to go and every desire for going there. ❜

❛  i heard once, it's the comforts that make us feel numb. ❜

❛  it was just our turn being blamed for a world we had no power in. ❜

❛  i haven't felt it since then. i don't know how the feeling ended. ❜

❛  i know being reckless and young is not how the damage gets done. ❜

❛  we knew what our love was worth when we had nothing. ❜

❛  i miss when we did not need much. ❜

❛  you were steering my heart like a wheel in your hands. ❜

❛  all i needed was someone when the whole wide world felt young. ❜

❛  hold me like water or hold me like a knife. ❜

❛  you and i burned out our steam chasing someone else's dream. ❜

❛  how can something be so much heavier but so much less than what it seems? ❜

❛  you only feel it when it's lost. getting through still has its cost. ❜

❛  if there was anyone to ever get through this life with their heart still intact, they didn't do it right. ❜

❛  we didn't get it right but we did our best. ❜

❛  knowing that everything will end should not change our plans. ❜

❛  all things end. ❜

❛  there are some things that no one teaches you that come natural as a dream you didn't know that you were in. ❜

❛  the awful things we do to make the head go quiet. ❜

❛  you may never know your fortune until the distance has been shown between what is lost forever and what can still be known. ❜

❛  i don't wanna be anything but i would do anything just to run away. ❜

❛  go look another way. ❜

❛  look, i wanna be loud. so loud, i'm talking seismic. ❜

❛  i will not be great but i'm grateful to get through. ❜

❛  the memory hurts but does me no harm. ❜

❛  the moment i knew i'd no choice but to love you. ❜

❛  there's a part of me, i'm afraid will always be trapped within an abstract from a moment of my life. ❜

❛  you know, the distance never made a difference to me. ❜

❛  so, i thought you were like an angel to me. ❜

❛  it ain't the being alone. it ain't the empty home. you know i'm good on my own. ❜

❛  so much of the living is the being unknown. ❜

❛  do you know i could break beneath the weight of the goodness i still carry for you? ❜

❛  there are some people who are better unknown. ❜

❛  darkness always finds you either way. ❜

❛  after this, i'm never gonna be the same and i am never going back again. ❜

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i've been staying with a very dear friend ( ani/ @softersinned )for a birthday visit w many other friends & am going to be traveling tomorrow to spend a couple of weeks with my brothers! my activity has been low & I've talked about it a little bit on @xbadnews & @elliscousland but i wanted to make a gentle psa here. i will probably write some on the train tomorrow but who knows what the next couple of weeks will hold!! I'll be back home on June 5th & things will go back to normal, except for the fact that i will be looking for a new job!

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Have You Been Long Enough At Table, Leslie Sainz

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Hanif Abdurraqib, They Can't Kill Us Until They Kill Us

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i feel like someone dead pretending to be alive

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Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score

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are you mad at me? would you like to be

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"You’re trembling.“ || @endawn

mismatched eyes bear a fierce, defensive glint as she tries to harden her expression to hide her body's response to fear. fear. fear! oh this was awful, horrible, wretched. she couldn't stand being seen like this, trembling like a frightened child. she finally forces a deep breath out, running a hand through her long hair. usually, the adrenaline of battle was a high she was quick to chase. electric magic mixing with the scent of gore was usually enough to make her feel wonderfully, terribly alive & it was nothing short of addictive. but this was different. there was a darkness in pax, one she didn't understand. one that she might want to, were she able to force her brain to work properly.

" no i'm not, " it's a poorly told lie. ( she can't steady her hands. ) she hopes that she looks stronger than she feels. she wishes she would just suffocate & be done with it.

it would be easier to put a knife in pax's back, go home & carry on with her life. but there was no 'carrying on' when death waited around every corner. when it dripped from his mouth & hands & body. he was stronger than her & the bits of what used to be his opponent at his feet prove that. he could just as easily tear her to shreds, or any of their newfound allies. there was glory in his gore, success in his bloodshed & yet every one of her instincts tells her to run. to get as far away from this creature as she can & pray that he doesn't follow. unfortunately, she is more stubborn than that.

" what you did just there, " she waves at what used to be his opponent. she doesn't look at them. her mouth feels too dry, " i've seen many things in my life... but nothing like that. "

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" the underdark, " there is sarcasm in her words, as if it should be a fact as obvious as the field of flowers laid out before him. amanita had settled on the smaller of the two boulders, nestled in the shadiest spot she could find. though the view was not quite as magnificent, it kept her out of the sun & that was something to be thankful for. her legs are crossed & her hood is drawn while she fights the urge to sulk. the tadpole helped fend off a bit of her light sensitivity, but it still felt tight behind her eyes. ( she wonders if it is from the sun or the tadpole itself. ) mismatched eyes lift when her attention is caught, though her gaze is harder than she means it to be.

"i have a home, down under the surface. it's outside of the cities. i built it to find some peace. "she lets out a sigh, deflating a bit when she thinks of home. she shifts to delight as quickly as she had thrown up her defenses, " it's dark & damp & teeming with life. away from all this wretched sunlight. "

she raises a silver brow, taking note of how he soaks in the sun. how he looks at home in it & she feels a bit jealous. she curbs her jealousy with a question, averting her eyes from the uncomfortable glare coming off his glasses, " how about you? where are you trying to get home to? "

@sporefound // starter call

THEY'D COME ACROSS A PAIR of sizable boulders splitting their path beneath the trees. This had been deemed a suitable spot for a short rest. They were an uneven pair: the largest he estimated at eight feet, and the smaller was roughly half that. He'd dropped his pack and scrabbled first up the smaller, then atop the larger. It was just flat enough for him to sit comfortably cross-legged. He was pleased to find it afforded a lovely view of wildflowers (that he did not recognize and could not name) and that it fell within an unfiltered sunbeam. He'd be a fool not to sun himself like a lizard — so he did. A suitable spot for a rest indeed.

❝Amanita,❞ a beat for her attention to turn to him, ❝where are you from?❞ Idle chatter as befitted an idle moment, but he had a reason to start the conversation there. None of them were particularly happy with their circumstance, but she had been the most vocal of all about her desire to return home. One had to imagine it a fair place to evoke such longing.

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" are you hungry? too bad. " amanita speaks, popping a walnut in her mouth & crunching loudly. the shadow-cursed lands were foul & she was becoming increasingly frustrated with the lack of living, viable snacks to forage. maybe she was just imagining the other eyeing her bag of nuts & berries & whatever else was left from before embarking on this wretched journey. it was better to be safe than sorry. she pops another walnut into her mouth, mismatched eyes fixed on the other.

open.

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you're so off-putting i need you