springtimeraging - Tumblr blog

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Genuinely the world would be better if men fucking killed themselves. Publicly. I want to see it happen.

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I was a special kind of mentally ill in college

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I’m medicated now and have been for almost a month. I’m keeping this blog but I think I might be finally getting better

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I WASN’T A BAD DOG

I WAS A SCARED DOG

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“we live in an uncaring universe” yeah dude and I live in an uncaring house. and I shit in an uncaring toilet. but do you touch an uncaring lover? do you comfort an uncaring child? do you guide to sleep each night a cold and uncaring self?

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It’s weird to remember how much I begged not to be taken care of, how much I tried to make myself smaller and smaller. How much I denied my own needs, even for something as simple as a blanket or a glass of water. How much I resisted any kindness offered.

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i love you ugliness i love you obscenity i love you monstrosity i love you decay i love you horror i love you grotesque i love you

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Sometimes I remember how my ex and my best friend both yelled at me for annoying them but one of them hit me several times and cheated on me and the other told me that she didn’t think we could be friends anymore when I first got together with said ex so I think maybe I should be allowed to kill one and hit the other

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If my own parents can’t love me then who can

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think it's a deep consolation to know that spiders dream, that monkeys tease predators, that dolphins have accents, that lions can be scared silly by a lone mongoose, that otters hold hands, and ants bury their dead. that there isn't their life and our life. nor your life and my life. that it's just one teetering and endless thread and all of us, all of us, are entangled w it as deep as entanglement goes. v neat i think.

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so it’s been a month since I decided I needed to stop drinking- like really, truly stop. And last night I almost broke it I think. And my girlfriend had to remind me that she’s no longer comfortable with me drinking around her- and I need to remember that and sit with that and be uncomfortable with that. I did that. I did that to her. That’s humiliating but I’d rather be humiliated than totally ignorant to it.

Recovery feels a lot like debasement sometimes. But it also feels like waking up less groggy and less miserable and having less headaches. It feels like being excited for life. It feels like enjoying the moment with those I love instead of poisoning myself. It feels like a healthy sleep schedule and a healthier body and looking better.

Yesterday I think I can pinpoint the things that almost triggered me to drink. I think I can pick them all out and show them to you like pieces of a diorama. I’m waiting on meeting with a therapist. I’m looking for recovery groups. I won’t lie, Im a little bitter over having to do this at 23, but I guess I’d rather do that than keep killing myself.

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I’m back. I can’t stop thinking about how my parents just didn’t make my sister do anything she didn’t want to do. I didn’t want to do the markers of adulthood (driving, getting my first job) because I was scared. But my mom made me and I did it. Maybe I was easier. Maybe I was more willing than I thought. I’m independent. I argued my salary up this year. I lived on my own.

My sister? She needs to be told what’s in the fridge for dinner. She’s never worked. Can’t drive. Won’t do shit. Like… how did we come from the same household? How is it that I do everything I can all the time as much as possible and she doesn’t? And she’ll wind up making more money than me anyway, the fucker, because I’m fucking stupid and went to college for something that’s being defunded nationwide. It’s giving me a headache, thinking about it, but it infuriates me.

She didn’t do anything for high school. Graduated on a technicality, whereas I did backhand springs to try and be perfect. She got into her dream school. Technically I did too. She dropped out, I graduated magna, I got a job fifteen minutes later and she’s going to make more money than me.

I just feel so fucking stupid all the time. And bitter. I know this is all stupid and petty but I’m exhausted. I know part of the risk of putting yourself out there and experiencing life is getting hurt but this girl has barely been hurt. I tried to kill myself this year. No one noticed or cared. I found out apartment. I pay for all this shit. She gets to be condescending and ungrateful.

This was a mistake. This rant started because I was pissed off at her for being a dick to me for liking something in an anime. And like OF COURSE that’s not really what I’m mad at but I can’t stand that this child who is the same age I was when I moved out on my own (and I mean really on my own, not with someone) can’t apply for a job without me holding her hand. I’m tired. I’m so tired.

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having 'mommy issues' with a present mom is so weird because like.

i love the idea of having a mom. we never get along. i fucked up because you hurt me. stop being my mom, please. i don't want to hate you. i don't think i hate you. i love you. i'm glad you're alive. leave me alone. i hate you. i'm sorry i messed up. you deserve better than me. i want a better mom. i don't deserve a better mom. i know it isn't your fault. you're just as hurt as i am. please stop. i can't be in the same room as you. i'm glad you're there. it's not the same. i want to leave. this is home. the chaos feelings like home. i want a mom. i'm sorry i tried standing up for myself. you were right. please change your ways. be kinder to me. i should be nicer to you. stop this. don't. please leave. don't go. i want a mom. i'm glad you're here. i wish you were present in my life more. don't get in my life now. i don't need you. i can't do this without you. i'm sorry. please forgive me. i did nothing wrong. it's not your fault either. i want to escape this. i don't want to leave. i'm tied to this burning tree. you lit it on fire. but you've been tied before me.

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It’s okay, it’s okay, it won’t be this week forever and I won’t be here the rest of my life. It just isn’t the best right now.

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She and I are dating now and it’s great actually ❤️❤️❤️ sometimes you just have to give yourself time

Me: I want someone to want me :(

A girl I by all means should be interested in: I want you ;)

Me: running away screaming

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I was also being emotionally abused in hindsight. I’m not stupid for being abused.

Sometimes you have to clench your teeth and remind yourself that you weren’t stupid, you were in love, that others didn’t see what you did because you were the only one shown. They didn’t have some greater comprehension of her than I did, I had greater context that made everything seem to make sense, to fit well. It wasn’t a lack of understanding, it was too much understanding and a sudden, horrible, shattering of trust that went against everything I thought I knew.

I wasn’t stupid. I was blindsided.