squirrelpudding

[squirrelpudding]

March 1st, 2024

Today my mom came into my room saying my doctor[s office] randomly mailed us a list of references for therapists, but all of them were online/call only, no in person. I have had several different therapists, and they were all fine, but I don't really think the traditional style of therapy works for me. I stopped going because the place I used to go to closed. I had it every two weeks, and that was too long where I couldn't remember what had happened in that time, but one week would've been too short, and I wouldn't really have anything to talk about. I think also I can only really remember things that happened to me that match whatever current mood I'm in. And when I went to therapy, I was usually just happy that I could get out of the house, so I could only really remember the happy things that had happened in that time. There was a lot of shit I could've talked about, but never did because I wasn't in the mood. Also, I couldn't really open up to any of my therapists because I knew nothing about them. One hour every two weeks was not enough time to feel comfortable enough with a person to talk to them about certain things. Maybe if I went back now that I am less shy and have a much easier time thinking of things to say. But also I don't really have anything to talk about. Right before the clinic I went to closed, my therapist had me do a bunch of tests, which resulted in a full analysis of me. It was really interesting, because it was a lot of stuff that I felt was true about me but wouldn't have been able to point out about myself.

"In her social relationships, Anna has strong wishes for acceptance and closeness. She is sensitive and cautious, and seeks cooperative relationships based on safety and trust. She is content to maintain a few close friendships, and she tends to be selective of her friends while seeking to avoid conflict. She feels less assertive than most of her peers and, as a result, she feels she needs guidance and assurance in order to take chances. Her thoughts are often disrupted by her excessive fear of social rebuff, a fear that is often intensified by her tendency to anticipate rejection. Her lack of self-assertiveness, tendency to underestimate herself, and anxiety around assuming mature and responsible roles cause her to withdraw into isolated activities and allow others to make decisions. At times, she may become distracted by inner thoughts that arise during social interactions. To counteract the pain these ideas and preoccupations carry, she may have learned to avoid emotional experiences and suppress events that stir disturbing memories and feelings. These defensive efforts may prevent her from developing the close and accepting relationships she desires" - excerpt from the report made by my old therapist

I just think its interesting. Anyway, I was thinking about therapy because I was thinking about how I always get depressed in an unmotivated way in the fall, and then fix myself second semester. I'm still depressed second semester, it just doesn't reflect in my grades. I'm the only person in my family who is not on antidepressants, and one time my mom suggested I start taking them, but I think she forgot and I never brought it up again. I have all As and Bs in school, which I have never had before. I've had As and Bs, but I usually also get a C or D in something. I've never not had a C.

The pictures attached are from the trip I took with my friend to Las Vegas and LA during the break. I was going to blog about it, because it made me feel like I am an actual teenager, but now I don't really feel like writing about it. I think the point of this blog is to document my life, and write about important stuff, but more importantly its just to get me to write. Last year, I completed all my new years resolutions except the one that said "write more". But I don't want to force myself to write, otherwise I will get tired of it and start to hate it.

I had forgotten how much I love to read. In my English class, we are reading "The Things They Carried" by Tim O'Brien, and I finished it today. I really really liked it. I like most books we read in school, but this one was different. I can't stop thinking about Mary Anne, and the part where she was staring off, and when asked if she was okay she said that was the happiest she had ever been. I don't know why, that just stuck with me. I used to read a lot in elementary and middle school, but I kind of stopped in 8th grade, I think because of covid and such. But my friends and I talked about starting a book club. I really hope we do it, because it would peer pressure me into reading. But honestly I don't think we will get around to it because we suck at making plans and organizing people. I think tonight instead of playing on my phone for an hour before bed, maybe I will read. Maybe.

[squirrelpudding]

February 26th, 2024

I SAW MITCH ROWLAND LIVE !!!!!! I don't really feel like writing a full blog post, but I have to write about the concert!!!! I have liked Mitch Rowland since I was 13, so like 2020-21 ish (idk exactly when). 13 year old me would be screaming and crying to think I would ever get to be like 20 feet from him. It was at the Fillmore in San Francisco, which is a lovely venue! (except for the scary/pretentious looking music bros who work there). I love Mitch Rowland. I am very happy.

Just had to get it out there :) I will write more later about the concert and about the rest of my week.

[squirrelpudding]

February 2nd, 2024

I will talk about today and the dance, BUT FIRST: A CROOMF UPDATE! I was slightly hesitant about putting this in here because oomf from school might see this and make the connection between stuff that happened at school and who my croomf is, but I don't think she reads these, so I will be okay. Also, it should be an ick that I am embarrassed that I like him and I would never tell anyone I like him or show a picture to anyone, but that has not stopped me. Anyway, he is in the class at school that does the morning announcements and other fun little videos and news and such, and he and a guy who is in a club I am in were walking around at lunch yesterday interviewing people, and I volunteered to be interviewed! I answered like two questions about some changes that are happening to the school, but more importantly, croomf took the video on his phone, meaning he has a video of me on his phone! Actually, now that I think about it I don't think it was his phone because I believe he is an android user, and I think the phone they were using to record was an iPhone. But still, for once in my life I interacted with him outside of class! Also, later that day during history (Croomf is in both my history and yoga classes), we were doing a dumb little scavenger hunt to review for our test on WWII, and I talked to him several times. I know I always write about small interactions, but in my defense I just like having something to talk about and to like. I like liking people. Also the small moments are all that happens with us so like, what else would I write about? Anyway, I stole answers from him several times (in a friendly, silly-goofy way), and we talked multiple times about the questions from the scavenger hunt, so I feel like we have potential to become friends. My partner and I won the scavenger hunt, and we will get prizes on Monday (it will probably be like a piece of candy or something), but perhaps if I get the chance that could be a subject of conversation with us. I am grasping at straws here, I desperately want to be friends with him but I am too socially awkward. Anyway, today we were partners for a activity in yoga. A few times we have done headstands (see other post(s) for more stuff about that (I don't actually remember if I wrote about it in other posts, but I think I did)), and I have refused to do it every time because I get very anxious thinking about it. But today croomf tried to convince me to at least try to do it, and was very encouraging. I did not end up attempting to do it, but I appreciate him trying to talk me into it because (1) I like talking to me and (2) it kind of shows he cares on a certain level, like he wants me to participate and succeed. I know I'm delusional.

Anyway, today was very fun! I love my friends! We went to oomf's house to get ready, which I love getting ready with other people because it makes me feel like a teenager/teenage girl. I like feeling like a teenage girl. The dress I wore I got from goodwill, and had to sew new straps to it because they were very very short, but I am happy with it! This is the only dress I currently own, and the only dress I have owned in quite a while (like since early elementary school). The dance was lame because it was very empty and mostly underclassmen, but we still had fun! I love dancing and loud music and having a place to see people/socialize outside of school, so I love dances. And they always play Pitbull and Bruno Mars, which I love. We left the dance at ~8:45 (we got there like 7:30, it went from 7-10), and we went back to oomf's house and watched "The Parent Trap". Also, while we were in the parking lot waiting for oomf's mom to pick us up, we watched 9 people get into a 5 seater car, and it was quite funny. I had a very very good time! I love my friends!

[squirrelpudding]

January 26th, 2024

I know like every blog I write is about how much I like croomf but I !!!! Idk ! I like having someone to like. I think I like having a reason to look forward to school and stuff, and to try to get out of my normal social circle to try to talk to people. Also, I think it relates to how much I like setting small, achievable goals. Like I completed all of my new years resolutions in 2023, mostly because they were easy, but still made me feel good about achieving them. Like one of them was to put up a calendar in my room before February, and another was to finish a crochet project. Whenever my friends go out, I always set goals, like if we go to a thrift store I think of one or two items to look for. Or when we were at the mall the other day (see previous blog post), my goal was to not feel bad about spending money. I love achievable goals! Most [school] days my goal is to talk to croomf or to talk to someone outside of my main friends. And most days I complete that goal! And I feel accomplished! Anyway (I say "anyway" in every single post because I do not know how to transition to other topics), in yoga we have started to do shout-outs, where at the end of a class period we write down nice things about someone and then the next class we read them. We have only done it twice (including today), but I think it is a really nice idea! The reason I am writing about it is because I got three (!!!!), and I have convinced myself that one of them is from croomf. The first one (see attached photo) I thought was for the other girl named Anna who is in that class, but apparently she was absent last class, so I think my oomf who I mentioned in my last post wrote it. I think it is him because he was my partner for the handstand thing, which I refused to attempt, so I think he is poking fun at that :). The handwriting on the first one kind of matches oomf's vibe, but also it kind of matches croomf's vibe. The second one I thought was from croomf, but now that I am thinking about it maybe not. The first time we did the shout outs I wrote that croomf has cool socks (they had kiwis on them, I think I mentioned them in a different post), and the day where we wrote these ones I was wearing pajama pants with polar bears on them, so maybe he was just matching my vibe. Side note: my inner monologue has started to say "vibe" A LOT, but I rarely ever actually say it out loud. My inner monologue mostly says "I fuck with your vibe" when I see someone who's vibe I fuck with, but I feel like it is a weird thing to say out loud. But I can't stop thinking about it. Okay back to analyzing the notes. The reason I am hesitant about it being croomf's is because the drawing of the cat thumbs up looks like something oomf would draw. I have no evidence or reasoning to back that up, just that I feel it. The third one I think is from other oomf, who I rarely ever talk to but says hi to me all the time when we see each other. I also have no evidence for that, but there aren't that many people in that class that I talk to regularly, so I don't know who else it would be. I don't really care who they are from, I just like thinking about it because I like to know people like me and are thinking of me!

I have also attached two photos of my room because I thought they were cool. They were taken about a minute apart, the only difference is that I used the flash for the second one. These photos were from a few days ago, when it was pouring when I woke up. For some reason, when it rains I always get the urge to take pictures of my room. I think its something about the dark lighting and blueish tint that makes my room look cool. Who knows. Anyway. [insert smiling slightly-blushing happy emoji].

[squirrelpudding]

January 24th, 2024

Today is the 24th but the photos I am putting are from Saturday, the 20th. My friends and I went to Pleasanton, and it was very fun! I love hanging out with them! We went because there is an ice cream place there (see 5th pic) that is really good, but we also walked around the town near there and went to a mall. I love going to malls with my friends because it makes me feel like a teenager. I like feeling like a teenage girl. When I was a little kid I thought all teenagers went to malls, chewed gum, wore sunglasses, biked without their helmet, and showed their midriff. Whenever I do any of those things I feel like a teenager. I've noticed that I used to not feel my age often, in elementary school I felt older, and in middle school, freshman year, and sophomore year I felt younger. I kept accidentally thinking I was thirteen until this summer when I turned 16. Now when I don't feel my age I feel like I should be 14/15. I think I feel more like my age now because I hang out with more people my age, rather than hanging out with people older than me or not hanging out with people at all. I genuinely love talking to people and having friends. There are so many people this year that I say hi to if I see them around, much more than last year. I love when people say hi to me if they see like in the hallway at school (I say that like we have halls. we don't really). And also I have made friends who I walk to classes with and who I always talk to during class. I think because I spent a lot of time being lonely and sad for myself, I appreciate when people talk to me and like me. That's one of the reasons why I like Croomf so much (do I say "croomf" or "my croomf"? Since it is an made up word I don't know the proper grammar), because he likes talking to people so he starts conversations. When I was in elementary school I was really shy, so I feel like I never developed the same social skills as other people, and when I was a freshman/sophomore I s topped being shy, but I am now just kind of awkward because I don't know how to start conversations. I feel like my brain is slower than other peoples because I can never think of what to say, or it takes me a lot longer to respond and talk to people. Also I think I have auditory processing issues because I sometimes think I can't hear what people are saying but it just takes me a few seconds to register what they are saying. Especially when people mumble or are quiet. And then by the time I actually understand what they are trying to say it has been an awkward amount of time and I feel like its too late to respond. That happens with Croomf sometimes because he mumbles to himself sometimes and I can never tell if he is talking to me/to somebody or if he is mumbling to himself. Speaking of him, today in yoga we had to do something with a partner, and I my partner was a mutual oomf, and after the activity we did croomf came over to us to talk. He came over to us to talk!! Maybe he was mainly coming over to talk to mutual oomf, but I am going to chose to believe he was talking to both of us because I like the idea of people thinking of me and wanting to talk to me. Also mutual oomf was talking about how the activity we were doing was hard for him because he has weak forearms, and then they were talking about working out forearms, and croomf flexed his forearms. He flexed his forearms. I know it sounds so dumb and simple and small, but it made me go crazy. Also the way he flexed was like in that pose that looks like cat paws. I love that pose because on tiktok there will be the buffest manliest looking men doing that dumb little flex where they look like they are about to type ":3". Anyway, (is it "anyway" or "anyways"?) back to what I was saying about the 20th. I bought a bunch of different posters and I am very very excited about them! I started to put them up, but at the same time I also decided that would be a good time to clean my room, and rearrange other posters on my walls, so I haven't finished putting them up yet.

I needed to put the pictures in the middle of the text because apparently there is a character limit per block. The posters I bought were: SouthPark (yes I know I'm cringe), TMNT mutant mayhem, Mario movie, Spiderman Across the Spider verse, and Trolls Band Together. Clearly I love animation. In unrelated news, today I stumbled across Animorphs (you know, the book with the covers of kids turning into animals) self-insert. It wasn't fanfiction, it was just a picture of one of the book covers where a guy edited himself turning into a bear. Just wanted to share. Tomorrow is the start of the Sundance film festival online screening! I bought a ticket to A Real Pain (because I am obsessed with Jesse Eisenberg), and I told my mom she could watch it with me, but I think I am going to watch it on my own because she is busy tomorrow night and I am busy after that, so there is no good time to watch it together. I am so excited. I recently discovered more twitter people who are also obsessed with Jesse Eisenberg. I previously thought me and two oomfs were the extent of Eisenberg nation, but I was wrong! Anyway. I don't have any way to end this. I suck at like conclusions.

[squirrelpudding]

January 17th, 2024

I don't have any pictures from my silly little digital camera from recently so instead I am putting pictures I took on it in like ~5th grade. I don't really remember taking these pictures but they feel nostalgic to me. But anyways I have to write about what happened today! So on twitter I talk a lot about my croomf, mostly about me getting excited at every small interaction we have. We have two classes together, and one of them is yoga, in which we get to chose where we sit. Usually he comes in late and has to just sit wherever there is an available space, but today he chose to sit next to me! Not only that, but he said good morning to me as he was sitting down. I know it sounds small and dumb but I like the idea that someone would chose to talk to me or sit next to me! I like being liked! I don't even think he likes me, I think he just sits next to me because I am one of the only people he knows in that class, and it is better than sitting alone. But I will live in my delusions and chose to believe that he likes me! Also, we had to chose a partner for two small activities, and he looked at me in that way where like you look at someone to ask/confirm if they want to be partners without actually asking. And when we were doing the activities I said I liked his socks (they had kiwis on them, both the fruit and the bird), and he said he liked my pants (red and black plaid pajama pants). And then we had to do a yoga pose that was essentially a wall sit but against the partners back (idk how to describe it). It was weird and kind of awkward but his back was warm. And he laughed at a dumb pun I made. (HE LAUGHED AT A DUMB PUN I MADE)! I met him at the beginning of the school year, and at first I just wanted to be friends with him, but then I started actually liking him. At the time I started liking him I was back into my the 1975 phase, so I kind of associate them with liking him now. Only some songs though. I love having someone to like. Today during lunch I saw the person I had a crush on from 7th grade to sophomore year. He says hi to me every time we pass each other, which I appreciate. I like knowing people and I like saying hi to people. And I love talking to people! That's part of the reason why I like my croomf, he is outgoing and easy to talk to! He seems like he wants to talk to me! I like when people want to talk to me! Unfortunately I am cursed with only talking to people in class and not being able to talk to them or hang out with them outside of class. In 2024 I will hang out with new people outside of a class or club. Starting with club oomf who is also in my history class. They are really easy to talk to and seems to like talking to me, so I feel like we could be normal friends instead of just class friends, but I don't really know how to approach them outside of school/the club we are in.

Unrelated but there is a person at my school who looks EXACTLY like one of my twitter oomfs (who is also one of two followers I have on tumblr (if you see this hiii)) and every time I see them have to stop and think about it for a minute. Maybe one day I will go up to them and tell them they look like a twitter oomf. But also why would I do that, why would they care. But also I want to talk to new people. But also I will probably end up getting to nervous to do it.

Anyway the 1975 are my goats (I love yearning).

[squirrelpudding]

January 8th, 2024

I almost wasn't going to make a blog post today because all I did was go to work, but then I took a timelapse of me cleaning my room so. Idk. Work was really busy today. It is weird but a 12:30-9 shift feels like a really long shift, but a 1-9 shift doesn't. I am glad I go back to school on Wednesday because I won't have to work 8 hour shifts multiple days in a row anymore. I can go back to my 5-9 shifts. Anyway. Song of the day is "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield.

Gonna talk about cringe stuff now.

Every time I listen to "Baby" by Justin Bieber I think about ******* (censoring his name because he sucks) talking about how weird that song is. And he was right. Like Ludacris was talking about a girl he dated when he was 13. Like move on. It sucks that a guy who's content I loved for so long is a bad person (curse you *******). And he streamed (coming out as a former twitch watcher) for many hours almost every day, so I consumed many many hours of his content, and now there are certain things that I hear/see and I think about a moment from one of his streams. Like the Lego water. And Youtube Rewind. I hate thinking about it but I kind of really miss watching his streams. And even though he still streams, its not the same be the same because the community surrounding him was really strong, but left when the stuff came out about him. So all the people left in his chat are people who don't care that he sucks, which means they probably suck. And also I wouldn't want to watch his streams now because he sucks. I'm glad I follow a bunch of the people who used to be part of that community on twitter. Anyway, point is white men suck.

[squirrelpudding]

January 7th, 2024

When I was a little kid I used to ridicule my parents for needing to use a headlamp to see their keyboard when using their computer at night, but now, as I write this in bed, I find myself needing the handy little button that makes my keyboard light up. Anyway, I haven't blogged in a few days because all I have done is go to work and watch tv. I haven't taken any pictures with my digital camera recently, and I told myself when I started this blog that I would use the photos from that camera and not photos from my phone. But here we are. Using photos from my phone. Today started a new art project and I went to dinner with my dad. The art is a collage that is supposed to be Jeremy Allen White in his Calvin Klein ad, but you cant really tell that it looks like him unless you see the reference picture. But I am having a lot of fun making it! It is very stress-free because usually I am worried that I will ruin my art if I do something new. Like when I paint I usually worry that any new stroke I add will mess it up, but for this it is all just scraps of paper and I can see how things look without committing to it. As with all of my other artwork I make, it looks a lot better in person than in the photo. In person the placement of the paper kind of looks like it is there on purpose, like I meant to put it there, but in the photo it doesn't really. Sometimes I wonder if I got good enough at art I could sell my work. I wouldn't want to do it as my main job, but it would be nice to earn money from doing things I enjoy.

For dinner my dad (does "Dad" have to be capitalized? I think only when I am speaking to him and saying it in place of where a name would go, but as a title it doesn't need to be capitalized? Like I wouldn't capitalize "cousin" unless I was Ricky from "The Bear" and I was saying cousin as a nickname.) and I went to a nice restaurant that had signs in the front advertising that they were considered good by Michelin. They didn't have any stars, but just that they were considered good. I thought they were good, but my dad said that to earn a Michelin star they would need to have much smaller portions (i thought that was funny). My dad is a funny fella. I think the idea that the tire company "Michelin", with the Michelin Man as their mascot, is in charge of the most snooty restaurant rating system in the US (or the world ?) is just silly. I always used to think that the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters was the same guy as the Michelin man. I now know they are different. At this restaurant we went to, we got pizza (it was a pizza place) and brussels sprouts. I just found out that brussels sprouts has an "s" on the end of "brussels". I've been pronouncing it "brussel sprouts" my entire life. While we were walking to a bookstore down the street from the restaurant (side note: I have never spelled restaurant correctly I always have to use autocorrect), there was a store with maps in the window, so of course my dad wanted to look at it. I feel like all dads like looking at maps. Its funny how similar people are. Anyway, there was a sign in the window that said "No Loitering" (see last picture), which is so funny because that was exactly what we were doing.

One thing I forgot to say about the restaurant is they gave us bread with olive oil/balsamic vinegar dip. Its funny how something so simple can bring so much joy. Also, earlier today I had Naan and Hummus as a snack. That is also something that is so straightforward, but so delicious. I love that in every culture there is some form of bread and dip/sauce, and they are all the same but all very different.

[squirrelpudding]

January 3rd,2024

I hesitated making a blog post today because all I did was go to work and finish my media edit. But here I am. Making a post. I didn't take a single picture today because, as I said, I was at work all day. Multiple coworkers have told me if I were 18 they would recommend me to become a shift lead (which is a compliment). I like work because I am good at what I do, and I get praised for my hard work. In a lot of my hobbies and things I enjoy, I like doing it but I am either mediocre or very bad at it (like drawing, crocheting, etc). And usually when you are mediocre at something people don't compliment you on it. They don't necessarily say anything bad, they most often just don't really say anything about it at all. A lot of the art I post on twitter only gets likes because it relates to a fandom my moots like, and not the actual effort or technical skill put into it. But I like work because I am good at it and therefore I get complimented by coworkers a lot. I like it. And maybe I seem like a bad person or self centered or whatever because I like compliments, but it feels nice! I can't help liking the feeling of finally liking myself!

I keep calling my media edit a "media edit", because I was inspired by the people who posted media edits/"me core" edits last year, but really it is more of a letteboxd recap. I'm quite proud of it! My computer hates me for making it, because I downloaded a million 2 minute clips just to use like one second from each. I think it turned out pretty good. I am going to make a separate tumblr post for it I think, and I am going to post it on twitter tomorrow. Please ignore the glitches and how low quality a lot of the clips are. Its not my fault that I am not technologically savvy enough to figure out how to get high quality clips or to stop my computer from overheating. Also it gets offbeat for a while, but at that point I had spent so long on it that I decided I wouldn't fix it. The movies are in order of when I watched them (beginning=January, end=December), and I love that you tell when I did marathons. Like all the Shrek movies at the beginning, and the scream movies towards the middle. Fun fact: my friends and I did the Scream marathon right before the newest one came out, with the hopes that we could watch it in theaters together, but two of us were not let in because we were 16. We later watched it at Oomf's house, but only after months of forgetting about it and putting it off. Also something I love about the edit is how you can see that I clearly went through a Jesse Eisenberg phase and a Adam Driver phase (I say that like I am not currently still obsessed with Jesse Eisenberg. He is pookie).

[squirrelpudding]

January 2nd, 2024

Oomfs and I went to Goodwill, ate at Ihop, and then watched Saltburn! At Goodwill I got a shirt that is green that matches the black shirt and the brown shirt that Oomfs are holding in the picture. I also got a sick jacket that is black on the outside and red on the inside, and a blue dress. Every time I go to Goodwill I look for a dress for school dances, and I never find one that I actually like. But the dress I bought today is good! I have to make the straps longer and a different material because they dig into my shoulders and the boob area is too high up, but other than that I think it fits well! I am always surprised when I find stuff that fits me because I have very little sense in how my body looks/what size I am. We went to Ihop after Goodwill because there is the Wonka menu. We shared the pancake tacos, which were actually really good! I probably would never order it if other people didn't want it, just because the description and picture on the menu makes it seem awful, but if it was put in front of me I would devour it. I watched Saltburn a few weeks ago, but I watched it again because Oomfs hadn't seen it. I feel exactly the same about it as I did when I originally watched it: the cinematography is amazing and it is a high quality movie in every aspect (soundtrack, production, editing, plot/writing, etc) but I didn't particularly enjoy it. It's not that I didn't enjoy it, but I didn't love it. I gave it 3.5 stars on letterboxd. Its crazy how I have watched 3 movies so far this year. Anyway, as I write this I have a mysterious stomach ache, which has been happening more frequently than previous eras of my life. In late elementary school and middle school my brother used to pretend to have stomach aches and be sick so he could skip school, and then I started to do it because I didn't want to go to softball practice. But now every time I complain about a stomach ache I think my parents think I am lying.

I am going to change my pfp and header on here eventually. Maybe. I also said I would change my pfp on twitter, but now it has been almost a year and it is still Jesse Eisenberg (pookie).

[squirrelpudding]

January 1st, 2024

I'll be honest all I did today was work on my silly little media edit and go to the movies with my mom. We saw Wonka, which was really good! Before seeing it I thought Timothee Chalamet would not be silly enough to play the character well, but turns out he is one goofy guy. My mom LOVES the original Charlie and the Chocolate factory, and she really like this movie as well. Every time I go to a movie theatre with my mom she talks about how when picking seats "everyone" (her) chooses the seats that are around other people because, in her words, "what do they know that I don't?". I laugh every time she says that. We went to a theater that was pretty far away because my mom got an AMC gift card from a family member, and the nearest AMC theater was like half an hour away. It was really odd because whenever there was a silent part of the movie or the silence between trailers you could hear the screen making noise. It was like purring (?) but not. Its weird to think it is 2024. The aforementioned "media edit" that I am working on is more like a letterboxd recap. Last year everyone was posting their "me core" edits and their media edits to like "American Teenager" by Ethel Cain. I loved seeing those, and I've seen a few this year but not as many. My edit is just movies I saw this year, but I'm putting a lot of effort into it. My computer cannot handle the ~95 movie clips that I have downloaded, but its fine. Putting my favorite pieces of media to my favorite songs is just so special, I love it so much. That's why I love edits [like on tiktok]! Because I love seeing Merlin and Arthur pine for each other while Boygenius plays in the background! Or seeing Greg and Rowley dance to "Ribs" by Lorde! Also today I watched "My Best Friend is a Vampire", which I only discovered existed because a few weeks ago I was watching "Dead Poets Society" edits on tiktok, and stumbled across an edit of that movie (see attached video). I don't know how the edit is such high quality considering that the movie is from the 80s and the website I watched it on had terrible quality. To be fair, I watched on DEFINETLY NOT a pirating site, so it was bound to have been a little crappy. I think my blogging is going well so far, in the two days/posts I've done, but I think it will start to go downhill when school starts again. I think I will get too busy/tired with school and work that I will only blog like once or twice a week. I hope I keep posting consistently. I have always wanted to keep a diary, and have tried several times, but I always forget to write or I get tired of it and it becomes a chore. But with my twitter "picture of the day" threads I do, I have been very consistent, which is good! I don't know how to end this post.

[squirrelpudding]

December 31st, 2023/January 1st , 2024

The only new year's resolutions I have set for myself so far has been to take pictures on my digital camera and to post them on a blog. Today is the first day I am doing that! It is currently ~2 am and I feel really good! I had to work from 12:30 to 9, and it was a pretty chill day, but after that I went to oomf's house to celebrate new years. This is the second time I have been to his house; the first was for his birthday in November. Both parties I have felt like an actual teenager. Like full on coming-of-age teen. Who knew hanging out with people I like was so fun! I've realized that sometimes I really love being a teenager and feeling like a teenage girl. I never really notice how much I have changes since freshman year until I realize how much I have grown into my age and gender. Freshman year I was 14 but I felt like I was 12 (I blame quarantine messing my brain up), and I was very confused [?] on my gender. Maybe confused isn't the right word, but I feel more comfortable with myself now. I do really love feeling like how I felt tonight. Like in movies when all the teenage teenagers are sitting in someone's basement. Except we weren't in a basement we were in a living room, but still. Oomf [who's house it was] and other oomf [who now goes to college in Oregon but was also at this party] are both friends I met when I was a freshman and they were juniors, and they graduated last year so I have not seen them as much as I did before. I miss them so much. Whatever the saying is about distance making the heart grow fonder was right! Also I have realized recently (like within the past few months) that socializing is really nice and makes me not depressed, which is good! I genuinely like being invited to things and being able to meet new people and talk to people I wouldn't talk to otherwise. Oomf in law was there, and the only other time I have talked to him was at oomf's birthday, so it was nice to talk to him more. I really do value the time I spend with people I like! Today was the second time I have drank alcohol, and the first time I've gotten tipsy. I do not particularly enjoy alcohol! It taste terrible and does not make me feel good! I didn't have a lot, but I felt the same as the one (1) time I tried to pull an all nighter at my friends house and ended up falling asleep at like 7 am. I didn't feel tired exactly, but a little groggy I guess. Oomf's mom gave us prosecco at midnight and we had 12 grapes (to give us luck for each of the months)! Anyway, point is I had a really great time! I hope to blog more and take more pictures, but I don't really know if I will keep posting it on tumblr or move to a different site. I will figure it out eventually.

Happy New Years!

[squirrelpudding]

BRITAIN I KNNOW HOW YOU FEEL, I LOST MY QUEEN TOO😭