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nothing, just me and my silly little hypotheticals

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power back yesterday 🥳

tornado killed my power thursday 😬 should be back by tmr but yikes, it has been quite a month.

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got bored.

propaganda i’m not falling for (my most controversial?):

men in ob/gyn field

not knowing about opposite sex biology

men are meant to be leaders

world population being anything over 2 billion

marriage any age below 21

legally can be drafted before you can drink

not knowing your neighbors

wtv dark fantasy is now

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tornado killed my power thursday 😬 should be back by tmr but yikes, it has been quite a month.

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YEARNING YEARNING YEARNING YEARNING YEARNING YEARNING I MISS HER SO MUCH PLEASE GOD I SWEAR I LOVE HER IM GOING TO SCREAM AND THROW UP AND CRY AND AND AND AND YEARNING AJSNDNNFJ

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apparently its not socially acceptable to suggest such a venture among close friends

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today's bug thing is this crochet desert centipede!

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i can’t be the only one paranoid past the norm that something Extremely Traumatic™️ happened in my childhood and it was just too long ago to remember. was there always something wrong with me? or did something happen that i just don’t know anymore? it keeps me up at night.

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today's bug thing are these bug stickers!

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coming to you live with another round of is it autism or just part of a fucked up childhood (tm), i’m your host els and today—

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i want someone to love the world with

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a tidbit from my new vampy block. mostly my deep & personal thoughts here, but i think this is a good place to document them. easier than a journal anyways.

love, romance, sexuality.

years of “liking” people has led me to wonder if i’ve ever truly felt romantic attraction… for what proof do i have? all exists in my yearning, in my art, but it is never enough to prove to myself that those feelings are real. some inhuman part of myself is still convinced of their artificiality.

as a child, i told myself i liked boys because i believed i was supposed to—saw a guy, observed him and the way other people reacted to him, and told myself that that was my new crush. later in teenhood i felt a pull towards lesbianism, though now that i discover myself more, i wonder if my fear of not being lesbian stems from my fear of feeling no romantic attraction at all. sure, i’ve found women attractive—much more often and in a vastly different way than i’ve found men attractive. i’ve felt such intense yearning, and yet i wonder if it is all just my incapability to express platonic love that brings me such suffocating emotion.

have i loved? many people in many ways. though i do believe that the root of this love has been a love for humanity and life itself, for the intricacies of the universe and our fragmented knowledge of the mind, of everything there is to know, the unknown, the known, the falsely known. it all is so fascinating to me. the closest i’ve felt to romantic love was a passion i cannot describe in words, one that compelled me to write poetry, songs, to draw, to sing, to listen, to read, to create. to see the woman of my affections in everything i did. the ambiguity that perhaps that IS love, perhaps i am capable, that is what confuses me. could it be that in my avid studies of man, i’ve neglected my own experience? it’s not unlikely. in this way, i don’t doubt that i’ve been a lover: but moreover, i think i will always be a friend.

i’ve come to believe that part of the reason i wish to have children is that i wish to create something so purely from my soul and my love that the world will truly understand the devotion and affections i am capable of. in these fantasies of having such beautiful people to care for and teach, i don’t see romance. i don’t see any sort of sex life or romantic affairs. i’ve imagined myself with a partner, but i wish her to be just that: a partner. someone i love, someone i trust. someone i want to raise a family with. and yet at the same time, i don’t see myself wanting the fairytale romance with this person. i just want them to know me on a spiritual level, to understand my experience, to be the stone to which i can stick my courage.

in all this thought, i’ve realized the only thing i ever wanted from love or any sort of relationship wasn’t to have great sex or a fiery romance, nor the sort of passion that is immortalized in the grand displays of literature and art. no, i simply wish to be human, and of all the pains, it is the deepest hurt i feel.

~ harbinger, 5 may 2025

my new love affirmations: reminders to myself.

i am human.

my love is real.

i needn’t obsess over the idea of being in love, of being real, for i am real, and i am already full of love for all things.

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sometimes you just gotta do a couple jumping jacks and move on

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theres a strength needed to ask for help that i fear i dont have

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how can people hate near from death note? he and ryuuzaki are meant to be similar! he’s not a rip-off! and lwk, he’s such a cutie patootie bro like. i want to keep him in my pocket.

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whenever i get scared of liking boys, i watch videos of lesbian poc couples. (for context i get random paranoia about actually being straight or smth which isnt a problem it just frightens me lmao)

it is good to remember that having different experiences from other sapphics doesnt mean i’m not one of them. sometimes i just feel like seeing white lesbians all the time makes me think their experiences are the only way to like girls 😭

no shade to anybody w this post, just some off-my-chest jawns.

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this is such a need omg

Credits to @Hakusi_Katei from X/Twitter