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I haven’t written in such a long time. And I don’t even know where to start. I have so many thoughts. The last time I wrote I was harping and wishing that Alex would tell me he loves me. Well he did.

The one thing about that is it started tugging on my abandonment fears. In some ridiculous way I didn’t believe him and sometimes I still don’t. Which to most people makes no sense. I mean he has said he loves me. So many times now. He struggles to say it regularly because of his struggles with expressing his true emotions. But sometimes I just fear it’s all in my head and it’s not real. Which I know deep down is not true. I know he loves me. I guess I just fear what is holding him back. What is standing in his way.

I want to be able to see my future with him— and in many ways I do. I see getting married, starting a family... I see it. And then I get this overwhelming fear of anxiety that this might not be what I think or hope it is. I’m scared to let myself fantasize— when it might be for nothing. It’s scary. I’m vulnerable and I’m not sure if Alex knows just how vulnerable I am.

Our relationship— is not like any other relationship I’ve ever been in. And losing that scares me. Not knowing the future scares me. I have to find a way to live in the present and have faith in what I know about Alex and how he feels about me.

I love him. He loves me. More than a year together. It’s crazy. Sometimes though I just fear he won’t be ready to move forward or I’ll be blind sighted when he leaves.

I’m not sure why or what this meant to write this all. But I did. I didn’t even hit on how much I’ve been struggling with my eating disorder in the last month. Brittany has really been triggering me and I at times feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. I know I have to have better skills to navigate this.

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me: *sends a single text* why am i so clingy

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I want him to tell me he loves me.

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I love him. And thinking about potentially spending the rest of my life with him is scary and at the same time so exciting.

I just need him to tell me he loves me.

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Sometimes the love I have for Alex makes me want to explode. I haven’t been on to say much lately.. there’s so much to say. It’s been 10 months of just... happiness. Again there’s ups and downs and bumps. But I’ve never been so calm in a relationship in my life. Even with so much doubt and stress in my life— moving, thinking about quitting my job, and Alex’s roommate dying.. I still feel so much love and happiness around me. I’m so blessed. I am. And again, to think a year ago I was still in my weird on and off again toxic relationship with Aaron... just crazy. Even in my posts about him when I’m trying to be positive it sounds strained and forced. And I can completely say I do not feel that way with Alex at all. So happy... just happy to be here

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I can’t believe I am going to go on vacation... AGAIN with Alex on Saturday. Like it is crazy and just so exciting. I’ve never been on a vacation with a boyfriend prior to going to Newport and now I’m about to go again within a month? It doesn’t seem real. He also mentioned going away again in October. It’s just been so amazing being with him and again continuing to see our relationship grow and change.

My mom keeps seeing the pictures of us together and she keeps telling me that we look so happy together all the time. And it’s true for the most part I am smiling when I am with him. And we have so much fun. I’m always laughing. He’s a goofball and we can be completely silly and authentic with each other.

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Going away this weekend. I don’t have words to encapsulate the many memories we made together and the amount of fun I had. I loved waking up next to him every morning and falling asleep next to him every night. Even if he woke me up every morning calling me by my birth name (LOL). So many laughs. So many moments that I’ll cherish. We didn’t fight at all. It was one of the least dramatic vacations I’ve been on in my entire life.

There was one moment when we were talking about vacationing with a significant other and he mentioned fighting with his significant other every vacation he’s been on with a girlfriend. I mentioned how we barely fight. He was talking about how angry and explosive those trips had been. I told him I couldn’t fathom him being that angry. He said “well I guess you just bring out the best in me.” And that resonates with me. I’ve never been with someone who I feel really makes me a better version of myself, but with Alex it is like that. I love him. And I love every second I have to spend with him.. even if it’s him busting my balls and I do get annoyed. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. It’s not perfect, but I’m so happy with what it is.

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Two things I wanted to mention about this weekend. We went to the beach this weekend and all day I was worried he would figure he’d go home after the beach and that would be it. I wanted very badly to see him and stay overnight. So at the beach he agreed to hang later that night w my friends and said “I think I’d like to get you some dinner first.” And I know that sounds so mundane and normal, but for Alex it was something so cute when he said it. We had an amazing time at the beach laughing and fucking around.

When we got back from the restaurant Saturday night he was talking about going back into the military. Then he asked me if I would ever move. While he didn’t say it directly. I felt like he was asking me if I would move w him if he rejoined in the military. I said right now I didn’t want to move but if there was a big reason to of course I’d think about it.

Then this morning Sunday I was talking to him about meeting my parents. He agreed to meet them in August rather than October. He was messing w me and said that maybe we wouldn’t be together in October. I hit him jokingly. He was smiling just busting my balls. Then I said well you can meet them in August and October because we will still be together. He said “when’s the wedding?” I said “not until you put a ring on it.” He said “you have too many rings already.” I showed him my left ring finger and pointed out that I had that one free.

I never know if he’s solely completely joking or if he’s kidding with a small sense of truth. I want him to tell me he loves me. I know that’s the next step he has to take before any of that other stuff comes. I want to know where we will be because I’m slightly terrified because I know if I lose him I will be devastated.

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After this weekend with Alex. I can’t even believe that a year ago I was still harping over Aaron— crying and feeling inferior. Wanting so badly what I have with Alex, with the wrong guy. Just the wrong guy.

I finally met Alex’s mom this weekend and this was huge for our relationship because for so long Alex was hesitant to bring me there and even tell his mom we were dating. And today I spent a good amount of time and she let me stay at her house overnight with him. It was so amazing to spend quality time with Alex this weekend after such a long and hard week at work. I feel so loved and cared about. I’m just waiting for him to feel ready to tell me he loves me too. When I let Alex do things at his own pace— the wait is so worth it.

I can’t wait to go away with him at the end of the month. 😍

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Last week I told Alex I loved him. He wasn’t able to say it back. That was most definitely painful in the moment. He said, “I’m just not ready yet.” He was appreciative of my expression and said thank you for expressing. He showed me love by kissing me and we fell asleep holding hands. It should have been enough right there. But I was just unsettled and still feeling rejected.

Fast forward to the following morning— we got into a tiff and then he texted me to say that “I feel very strongly for you and there’s a lot of trust.” He isn’t ready for love— just yet. And that doesn’t mean he won’t be eventually.

I am so proud of myself for withstanding these difficult emotions that play on these deep rooted fears of abandonment and attachment. It has been difficult not completely freaking out every time we have a tiff (I can’t even say argument bc we never get to that point) and I’ve been managing it ok. I am still telling him how I feel regardless of my uncomfortability that he will leave me. And he hasn’t. Yesterday was our 7 month. And one year is around the corner. I can’t believe it’s been 7 months with him. And I’m so happy I’m here with him. Every day.