stacygarringer

[stacygarringer]

A couple weeks ago I was cleaning out a closet and found a bag of old,undeveloped film. Early in our marriage we didn’t really have the money to develop film, so we just stashed them away in an old Scooby-Doo cookie jar. After finding a place to develop them, I mailed them off, having no idea what they would consist of.

A few days later, I got an email that the pics were ready and as I scrolled through them on my phone, tears ran down my face. The time period when these were taken were some of my toughest years. Stories I will save for another day…or not. These pictures took me right back to that space in life, when joy and sorrow met and I was in the midst of it all. It probably sounds cliche, but it seems like a lifetime ago. Before Bax, before Farmland, before the twins. I was also very, very ill. From surgeries, fistulas, depression, a horrible case of undiagnosed Crohn’s disease, and my parents moving 500 miles away, it was all so heavy.

The pictures also showed the overwhelming joy. My nieces, Lucy, JoJo, Penelope my pot bellied pig, our messy house and one of my first gardens. They show the foundation that our life grew from. And although I have a lot of regrets, I know I did my best. Just a sick kid, trying her best to navigate a life that was often unfair and traumatic. Arrick was always right beside me, holding my hand through it all. And the life we led back then got us to where we are now. And I will be forever thankful for that.

It’s easy to get caught up in our everyday life and forget about the small memories that brought us here. It’s easy to forget about the tie dye days, the way Lucy’s feet smelled, the way JoJo would regurgitate his food in my presence and how much love we created in those early years. My nieces are now adults. My parents have moved back to Indiana. Lucy is buried next to the barn, and we now live 30 miles away. Life has a way of moving forward so quickly, that sometimes, just sometimes, it takes finding some old film, to make you pause, and realize how far you have come and how unbelievably lucky you are to have gone through it all.

[stacygarringer]

Vaccine

Yesterday, Arrick and I received our first Covid-19 vaccination. We have waited a whole year for this. The shot was painless and other than a sore arm, we both tolerated it well.

I see a lot of people who are adverse to getting the vaccine. And I get it. Since Theo’s autism diagnosis, and how he reacted to the vaccines, I was what some might call a semi-antivaxer. I believe that the vaccines didn’t cause Theo’s autism, but that they exasperated his symptoms and his body just couldn’t process them they way other children could. I also have really bad reactions to literally every drug any doctor has put me on. So I was a bit scared and hesitant myself. But do you know what scares me more than a reaction to a vaccine? Dying. Hospitalization. Long term Covid.

I am also aware that not everyone has the health issues that I have. Most people haven’t had to have their asses wiped by a nurse after numerous surgeries, most people haven’t woken up everyday since they were 9 and wondered how their body was going to feel today. Most people have never wondered if today was is going to be the day that their body was going to give out on them. So, the thought of dealing with my health issues with an added side of covid was terrifying. I have seen the “I’m not going to live in fear” stance and it makes me cringe. Fear is a healthy response to a pandemic. Fear is a healthy response to the possibility of dying or spreading it to others who could die. In a weird way, I have always admired people who just don’t give a fuck. I imagine a life without fear and it seems awesome, until it isn’t.

It’s been a year since I have been in anywhere. A whole year. Well except for a visit to the ER. I still wipe down all our groceries and take out food. We double mask and keep our 6ft distance. The kids have been homeschooled and I have not had any treatments for my Crohn’s disease. Life as we knew it came to a halt. But, we are still here. I have lost family members to Covid and my all time favorite singer John Prine. But we are still here, I am still here.

Ironically, I have had 3 Covid tests since this all started. You see, Crohns symptoms and covid symptoms are similar. Fever, chills, hot flashes, nausea, diarrhea and horrible sore throats from gerd. Every time I took a test I was terrified and angry. Angry that I had to in the first place, because we have been doing everything we could to stay safe. It’s other people we have to worry about. No masks, public gatherings, the blatant lack of empathy for human life from others. It was a real eye opener for me. It still is. It is exactly why the kids couldn’t go to school and I didn’t feel comfortable risking my life to go in Aldi.

So, in three weeks we get our 2nd shot. My immunity should peak right before Mother’s Day. And since my parents have been fully vaccinated I am looking forward to a hug from my mom, with a mask on. I will also be able to attend Baxter’s graduation(crying already), send the kids back to school next fall and schedule my colonoscopy so I can start up my treatments again. I don’t take any of it for granted. The sacrifices we have made this last year were some of the hardest times we have ever faced. But we are still here. And I will look back over the last year and know that we did everything we could to keep our family safe, and to keep perfect strangers safe. I will always be proud of that and will move forward with the same empathy, fear and love that have always been a huge part of who I am. Be safe out there. Do your part. You won’t regret it.

[stacygarringer]

Hate

About a month ago we put a Black Lives Matter sign in our flowerbed out front. Initially, I was a little hesitant as we live is a small, predominantly white town where numerous Trump signs are displayed proudly. But we felt compelled, as a family, to publicly show that we see and hear POC and that we stand with them. Our family is multiracial. We deeply love people who have been, and will be affected by racism for the rest of their lives. I decided long ago that I will not sit around in my white privilege and pretend there is not a problem in our society. I made a commitment to myself that I will use my voice to express love and truth, even if it shakes.

A couple days ago the carnival came to town. They park all their campers back behind our house at the fire station. So they walk by our house often. The other day I was in my garden and I heard a group of people walking down the alley cussing and yelling. At first I didn’t think much about it, until I made eye contact with them, and they proceeded to motherfuck me, flip me off and yell numerous times “All lives matter, fuck black lives!!”. My first thought was to look around for something to protect myself with. After I realized my flower snips would suffice(crazy huh?)I stood there, knees knocking, scared for my safety as a group of men yelled and spewed their hatred right at me. They laughed and seemingly loved every second of it, it was the highlight of their day. I went inside, still shaking and proceeded to tell Arrick what had just happened. I cried, I panicked, I debated about what to do next. I calmed myself down and decided that I wasn’t going to let them win. So I went back out to the garden. I put on my headphones, listening to the Como Mamas, and I watched the butterflies and hummingbirds fly around and picked the most beautiful flowers and thought to myself what the actual fuck. Do they really think yelling at me is going to intimidate me into not speaking up against racism? Their words only solidified my beliefs, and shined a light on the reason we chose to put the sign up to begin with.

The next morning I was out walking Boogie in our side yard and I’ll be damned if it didn’t happen again. This time it was a older man and a young guy walking back to their campers after working at the festival. The older man stared at me with so much hate in his eyes, shook his head, threw his hands up and said “fuck black lives matter” as he walked away. As my body shook uncontrollably, I stood there, and looked him right in the eyes until he was out of sight. I will never forget the hate in his eyes. I wanted to scream and yell, but I didn’t. Civility is something I’ve been really working on. I went back in the house and told Arrick what had happened and he decided to call the police. He wanted to make a complaint just in case something were to happen to us, the cops would be aware there was recurring harassment happening and that we felt unsafe in our own home. The conversation went about how we expected it to. He tried to say that when we put that sign out, we knew we would get a reaction and that there wasn’t much he could do. Arrick has a very direct way with words, and after telling him if he couldn’t help protect the law abiding, peaceful, tax paying citizens of his town, then we would explore other avenues to get help. So he reluctantly decided he would talk to the carnival owner and tell them they can’t harass us in our own yard. Here’s the thing, we knew that sign might make some people feel the same way we feel when we see trump signs. I’m pretty sure if a group of black guys walked by and yelled “fuck you, you racist bitch” to a white woman in her yard, next to her trump sign, the cops would have been there with lights on and guns out. True story. As I said before, the sign has been out there for a month. We have never had a problem. We have had numerous people smile and wave when they drive by, the neighbors have been nothing but kind and supportive, even the ones who probably have different opinions than we do. We are kind, peaceful, non judgemental, loving, happy people. That feels yucky to people who aren’t, I get it.

The saddest part about all of this is that there are numerous black people who work for this carnival and have walked by our house also. They work with these racist, hate filled people everyday. People who have so much hate in them, that they scream it at people who put a simple sign in their yard, that they don’t happen to agree with. I can only imagine what those guys endure and have endured for the majority of their lives because of the color of their skin. And I hope that when they walk by our house and see our sign that they feel seen and heard. That is my goal in all this, for people of all colors to know they are not alone, that not everyone is full of hate, that there is good still left in the world and that we are committed to changing the blatantly obvious racial divide we have always had in our country.

So, Arrick spent the day hooking up a security system in our cute, little, love filled home to protect us from the hate filled white people in this world. No one deserves to feel unsafe for expressing their beliefs. I would never, ever scream and yell at a Trump supporter, even if I may want to sometimes. Arrick asked me “would it make you feel better if we took the signs down until the carnival was over?” My reply was instant “Fuck that! No! Then they win.” Fear and intimidation have been used since slavery to suppress people into falling in line and not speaking up for what’s right. It has stifled the progress on this humanitarian issue for far too long. Well it won’t stop us, not today, not tomorrow, not on my watch, not in my home, and not with my family. I will stand in the fear, and feel every ounce of it, before I will stand in silence. Life is so short, and what is it all about, if it isn’t about doing what’s right?

I shared this story because I feel like it needs to be told. If you think it might be our fault that we are being harassed and feel unsafe in our own home because we put a BLM sign in our yard then YOU are part of the problem and should probably go ahead and unfollow me now. I’m just really done with all the back and forth and excuses. Enough is enough. Black lives matter, white privilege is real and racism is rampant. If you don’t believe the black people that are peacefully protesting about it, begging you to hear them, then maybe you will believe me? I could post a video of a racist white man yelling “fuck BLM” at my house, while my kids were right inside, if that helps.

In a couple of days the carnival will pack up and go to another town and our little peaceful, flower filled life will go back to normal. I can clearly recognize that is because of our white privilege, I hope you recognize that also. It’s heartbreaking to think that some people live their whole lives, day in and day out, feeling unsafe and threatened simply because of the color of their skin. We need to do better. We really do.

[stacygarringer]

The Rona

We are on day 12 of self isolation. Not because we have symptoms, but because this virus could devastate our family.

Six months ago I started a biologic. It was actually a type of chemotherapy that wasn’t successful in killing cancer, but it does kill my immune system, and ironically that’s what my body needs to be able to heal. Crazy right?! When I agreed to treatment, I knew it would increase my chances for certain cancers and infections. The numerous blood tests and doctors visits before I was even allowed to start treatment made me realize very quickly this was no joke. This was and is very serious. I was petrified of starting treatments. I still am. Yesterday, I was supposed to walk into a local hospital, sit there for 6 hours while being given an iv infusion that will completely deplete my immune system for the next two months. I couldn’t do it. My doctor was kind and honest, that these are unprecedented times, and we just don’t know enough to justify risking my life. So I stayed home. I planted seeds and gave thanks to my body for all it has done for me. To know that if I got this virus, my body would not be able to fight it is terrifying. I am one of those people you hear about in the news. I had already been on high alert as the flu or just a cut on my finger could really be bad for me. Then came the Rona(yes that’s what I call it). From the moment I heard about it I knew my family’s life was going to change.

Before they closed the schools, Arrick and I debated on pulling the kids out of school to lessen our exposure. When you have a child with special needs and they are thriving in school, it is a HUGE deal to change their routine and let’s face it, I am no ABA therapist or teacher. I am merely a chronically ill mom who struggles on the daily to do what most people take for granted. So when the school called I was both relieved and terrified. Next week we start online school and I have chosen to live in la-la land until Sunday, because stress and worry are some of the biggest triggers of my Crohns flares. We have tried to implement a schedule, but that’s easier said than done. That’s kind of how our life is, everything is harder than it should be. So when we started self isolating we knew it was gonna be next level. We have laughed, cried, and laughed some more. I have wanted to gouge out my eyes and stick them in my ears at times. But we are safe. I am safe. And I know that everyday that passes is one day closer to this being over with.

The treatment I am on takes 6 months to get out of my system. So even after life has gone back to normal for most, I will still be self isolating. After the dust settles, my doc and I will talk about when to start my treatments back up. I haven’t stepped foot in a store or restaurant for weeks. I haven’t had a mcds unsweetened iced tea in 12 days and I’m pretty sure that has been the saddest/hardest part for me about this whole thing:).

I have sat back and watched this all unfold from a much different perspective than most people have. This isn’t just an inconvenience for my family. This could be a life or death situation for us. My biggest fear as an special needs momma is to not be here for my kids as they grow up. When you know your child will need assistance for the rest of their life, it makes the possibility of dying even scarier. The amount of responsibility is immense and inexplicable to those that have never walked this path.

Starting today, Indiana has implemented a ‘stay at home’ policy. I hope it was soon enough. Please, please follow it. For me, for you, for my family, for Arrick’s Mamo who hasn’t been able to have visitors at her rehab facility in 2 weeks. For sick children, the immunosuppressed, the elderly and the everyday people who are and will be affected by this virus. I hope that maybe, just maybe, this will be a time for people to reflect on their lives. On how we are all intertwined in this crazy thing called life. That your choices have the ability to change everything. I implore you to not take it lightly and think of others in the following days and months. Be safe out there, hopefully with the people you love, in the comfort of your home. ❤️

[stacygarringer]

Come on home

Guess what?!? My parents are moving home. Wow. Where do I start? Maybe from the beginning.

My parents have been married for 50 years. They lived in the home I grew up in until they moved to Alabama 21ish years ago. My Dad has a lot of health issues and they had talked for awhile about moving to a warmer climate. It was the weekend after Arrick and I got married. We skipped a honeymoon and instead loaded up my childhood home into a uhaul and moved my parents 500 miles away. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Between grandkids being born, heart attacks, colon cancer, numerous health scares and even a F4 tornado, life went on. My parents drove back often and supported us from afar. They built their dream home up on a mountain and were living their best life. And although I missed them everyday, all I want for my parents is to be happy. Even if it’s in a different state.

So when I got a random text message from my Mom saying “that after much consideration, we have decided it is time to move back to Indiana”, I was in complete shock. It took me a few minutes to compose myself so that I could even talk. I showed Arrick the text and he cried with me, he is the only person who truly knows how much I need this(besides my mom).

I called my parents and we cried on the phone together. I told them how sorry I was that they had to leave their dream life, that they worked so hard to build. I apologized for not going down there more. After the twins came I just didn’t have it in me, the autism, anxiety and depression made it nearly impossible for me to travel to the grocery store, let alone Alabama. My dads health isn’t the greatest right now, and it has been a real struggle for them to do it all by themselves. My mom replied with something like “stac, we were able to live our dream for the last 21 years, it’s time to come home now.” Oh the tears. I have cried so many tears of joy, sadness, regret and hope the last couple of weeks. It’s all so bittersweet, my heart breaks for my parents to have to leave their little paradise on that mountain.

I didn’t tell the kids(or anyone)for a few weeks because it just didn’t seem real. I’ll never forget the joy when I told them. This is so huge for our little family, and for me. It has been a long, long time since I have lived near my family and it has been one of my biggest heartaches in life. My parents were my rock when I was younger. The security and love they provided for me was unwavering and made me who I am today. My beliefs, my quirks, and my sense of humor, all come from them. So to be surrounded by that again is going to be life changing, for us all.

So now the house selling and hunting begins. My mom has already organized, donated and started packing their immaculate home. They have already had some lookers at their property and seem excited to come home. My parents have been gone over half of my life. To know that I will be spending the rest of their days near them is a gift that I do not take for granted. To know that my parents will get to be a everyday part of my kids lives, and feel the joy that our crazy life brings, is like a dream come true.

There are still a lot of unknowns that we will be working through in the next few months, but instead of focusing on the hurdles, I’m going to focus on hope and love. Arrick says I have a light about me that he hasn’t seen in a long time. And through my tears I would agree wholeheartedly.

[stacygarringer]

Crohn’s

Last week I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. I have spent my whole life sick. Like literally. Although getting a diagnosis was what I ultimately wanted, to hear you have a lifelong, debilitating disease is not exactly great news. It could be worse though, and I am so thankful it is not.

Sickness is nothing new to me. I was a sick kid and no one could figure out what was wrong with me. It was scary and disheartening to need help but not get it. When I was 17 they discovered my innards were backwards and rushed me into surgery at Riley Children’s Hospital. Three years later I went in for a second surgery, where they gave me the option of a colostomy bag or 6 inches of colon. I chose to keep my colon. I was 21, what a life changing decision for me to make. I was so naive, I thought they were going to fix me, cure me, give me the quality of life I had been longing for my entire life.

I quickly realized minimal colon meant maximum diarrhea. So for the last 20 years I have lived with symptoms that would sideline most. It literally changed my life. I developed social anxiety, I couldn’t ever be too far from a toilet and suffered from numerous bouts of depression. Life went on and so did I.

Ten years ago, I started noticing some alarming symptoms that I tried to just power through. After some ct scans, numerous tests and some misdiagnoses, I was informed that I had the lowest vitamin levels my doctors had ever seen. My ileum(the last part of the small intestine that absorbs almost all your nutrients) was thickened and diseased. No one could figure out why. After a failed colonoscopy, due to strictures and scar tissue from my surgeries, they could not make a diagnosis because they simply couldn’t get the scope past the scarred bowel to get a tissue sample.

Last week, my awesome doctor was able to get past the stricture and was able to see just how damaged my ileum was. When she came in to talk to me in the recovery room she told me that I have Crohn’s disease and that it was one of the worst cases she had ever seen. She proceeded to tell me that she has no idea how I could have lived with this for so long and that it was her mission to get me better. I immediately started sobbing and thanking her. It’s a bit strange to be so relieved to be told you have a chronic illness, let alone one with some nasty side effects.

To have hope for a better future physically is something I have been very hesitant to embrace in the past. This last week I have spent my days coming to terms with all that comes along with this disease. The medications and their side effects, the good days, the bad days and the mental health issues that go along with having a chronic illness. But I am choosing to focus on a future full of hope and remission. After being in the dark for so long, I finally see the light at the end of this tunnel. It may take me awhile to get there and to adjust to the light, but I won’t stop until I do. I also will forever be in awe of my body and how many lessons it has taught me about life. It has taught me to see the beauty in the small things, it has taught me what true strength is, it has taught me empathy and to always be kind because you never know what someone might be going through. It has made me who I am and I will forever be grateful for that.

[stacygarringer]

Kindergarten

Today we registered the kids for school. We’ve got a freshman this year and two kindergarteners. How is that possible? It’s funny how emotional something as simple as school registration can be.

Three years ago, when Theo was diagnosed with Autism, the doctor told us to be prepared as he may not ever be able to attend school. I remember how that statement cut right through all the hopes and dreams I had for my child. That was just the beginning of our journey and those words made me fight even harder to get Theo the help and support he needed.

Three years later, and here we are. It was no walk in the park. We went through so many therapists, I lost count. We fought every step of the way. We fought for the best services, the best therapists, we fought insurance companies, we fought for our boy and his future. It has been one heck of a fight. Contrary to popular belief, this world doesn’t cater to special needs families. It’s quite the opposite really, nothing came easy on our autism journey. Maybe someday it will get easier, maybe the insurance companies won’t fight so hard so they don’t have to pay for therapy, maybe we won’t have to fight so hard for things others take for granted. Or maybe not, either way, we are never going to stop fighting for our children.

We made the decision a few weeks ago to separate Rozzie and Theo in Kindergarten. It took me a few days and a lot of tears to come to that decision. Roz is always looking out for Theo and although it makes my heart so happy, I also know how hard it is to be Theo’s keeper all the time. It is just part of our life, the way it has always been for Roz. After preschool she would tell me in great detail how their day was. “No behaviors today Mom!”, “Theo puked everywhere and the janitor had to come!”, “Theo had a behavior and yelled at Ms. Beth, it scared her I think.”. We have heard it all from Roz, the good, the bad, the embarrassing. You see, Theo can’t tell us how his day went. He can’t tell us who he was with, what he ate for lunch, if someone was mean to him or if he had a good day or bad. I’ve had a few people say that their neurotypical kids can’t tell them what they did in school that day either, but this is way different. To not be able to communicate with your child is a heartbreaking feeling and adds a level of mystery and stress to the simplest scenarios. So, as much as I will miss Rozzies updates, I have to let her be a kid. She needs to make new friends and not have the worry of Theo on her shoulders. I’m typing through my tears, because this shit is hard, and it breaks my heart on a level I can’t fully explain.

We did get to meet Theo’s aid today. We were surprised and relieved to know it was Ms. Lacey, who helped on the twins bus last year. She also caught me listening to hard core rap one time(the bus was 15 minutes early)but that’s another story. Anywho, Theo loves Ms. Lacey and it gives me comfort to know that he will have a familiar face with him, as I know this transition is going to be rough on all of us, but especially Theo. He is so smart and deserves this opportunity to shine. This is what we fought so hard for, and I can’t believe how far we have come and that my little babies will be kindergarteners. And my big baby man child is a freshman. Excuse me, while I go sob in the corner for a bit.

[stacygarringer]

The view

Today was Theo’s kindergarten transition/IEP meeting. For those that don’t know, these are meetings where we advocate for Theo and for what he needs and deserves when it comes to his education.

We were in a tiny conference room with 7 school representatives, myself, Arrick and Theo’s BCBA, Jesse. As I sat and listened to the school psychologist rattle through all of his tests scores and tell us everything we already knew about my precious boy, my mind raced. We know Theo has Autism, but to hear it reiterated, over and over again, in a room full of strangers was surreal and hard. I felt exposed and panicky. The lump in my throat, from way back when he was diagnosed, quickly reappeared with a vengeance. Tears filled my eyes as I looked around the room and wondered if I was making the right decisions for Theo. I wondered if these people understood how loved he is, and how far we have come.

For the last 3 years our little family has been climbing a mountain, so to speak. At first the mountain was so big I couldn’t even look at it. I literally took it step by step, day by day. To try to take it all in incapacitated me. Then, at some point I looked up and we had made it to the top. The view was beautiful.

Now, we have another mountain to climb. I glimpsed at it for the first time today and damn, that’s one big mountain. It’s going to be way harder to navigate, but it is ours to climb, so we will. Step by step, day by day.

Arrick was my rock, as usual. As I teared up and sat there like a deer in headlights, Arrick spoke with such knowledge and grace. That guy gets shit done, and I’m so lucky to be climbing this mountain with him.

So now we have a lot to think about and plan for. Lots of unknowns and trusting the process. Lots of big decisions that will shape Theo’s future. Lots of worrying and wondering if we are making the right decisions. Lots of hugs and pats on the back, knowing we will make it, no matter how hard the climb is.

One thing I have learned through all this is that the harder the climb is, the more you appreciate the view. And what a magnificent view it is. 🌄

[stacygarringer]

Have you ever noticed, When you’re feeling really good, There’s always a pigeon, That’ll come shit on your hood…

[stacygarringer]

Kevin

Growing up, I just happened to live in Morrison Mock’s school district. Morrison Mock was the school where all of the disabled students, in all of the school districts attended. It was also where I learned some of my greatest lessons in life.

It wasn’t the cool school to go to. There was actually a chant that kids used to say to us when they knew we went to Morrison Mock. I will never forget it, “we can’t walk, we can’t talk, we’re the kids from Morrison Mock”. I was maybe 6 or 7 the first time I realized that there were actually people out there that made fun of people with disabilities. And today, I still remember those feelings that cut so deep and shifted the person I would become.

There were handrails the length of the long hallways. All of the bathrooms were handicap accessible. There were kids who wore helmets, there were kids confined to wheelchairs and who would never speak. There were kids with learning disabilities, there were kids like Theo with autism, there were kids who were violent, loud and sometimes scary. I’m sure there were times when I stared or maybe even laughed, but in those experiences somewhere, I gained empathy and knowledge. We weren’t allowed to use the “R” word and bullying the kids with disabilities was just not tolerated. It’s funny how a bunch of 10 year olds, 30 years ago were held to a higher standard than some adults today.

Then there was Kevin. Kevin was born with Spina Bifida. Kevin was one of my favorite childhood friends. My mom babysat and Kev just happened to be one of the kids that came after school. Kevin did not have the use of his legs. How he got around, went to the bathroom, got dressed, got in a car, got out of a car, were very challenging and more difficult than any obstacles I ever faced. One day we were all running around racing, and since Kev couldn’t run, my mom decided to tie our feet together so we could race Kevin in his element. She was all about inclusion and I’m pretty sure she knew what would happen next. We all lined up, and army crawled as fast as we could across the family room. Kevin won by a long shot. I will never forget the smile on his face as he patiently waited for the rest of us at the finish line. That day I thought he was Superman, I couldn’t believe how strong he was. He was the strongest person in that room and I just never realized it before then. It forever changed my view on people with disabilities, their limitations and their unwavering strength.

I’m pretty sure my childhood home was in that school district for a reason. That witnessing Kevin kick our asses in that race wasn’t just a cool memory. It changed me and made me a better person. It humbled me and made me realize sometimes life isn’t fair, but you have to keep going, no matter what. It’s funny how life works. How it prepares you for what’s to come. I can only hope Theo will change people’s views the same way Morrison Mock and Kevin did for me. ❤️

[stacygarringer]

Shining bright

As I watched Meryl Streep's golden globes speech online, after it aired, I sobbed. I often feel that my precious family's voice is muffled by all the negativity going on in the world. That the light that we exude, even in the really hard times, is somehow dimmed by other people's darkness. So when people stand up for what's right it helps give us back our shine. It makes us feel not so alone, and reminds us that kindness and hope are everywhere, shining bright. So, shine on. We see you, we feel you, especially on our darkest days.✨

[stacygarringer]

Home Alone

It has been awhile since I have been kid free for more than a couple of hours. It feels weird. Good, but weird. It usually takes me a hour or so to adjust to the shock of not having a little life to be responsible for. Arrick loaded the kids up this morning and took Theo to therapy and Roz to daycare. She goes every other Friday and it gives me a day to myself. I used to feel guilty when the kiddos would be gone and I was just home alone. But I let go of those feelings awhile ago. I am not superwoman. I am not a perfect mom. I am just doing the best I can. So on days like today, I try to make myself slow down, breathe, and try to enjoy the time to myself.

Trying to explain our life to people is difficult. It feels as though I am constantly in a hurry. That if I slow down something traumatic will happen. I am constantly on guard in real life. Always listening, redirecting, and trying to be what everyone needs me to be. When I take the time to reflect on the last few years, I am in awe of Arrick and I’s stamina. Our motto is ‘We got this’. Sometimes I’m not sure if our motto is a question or a statement, but we do ‘got this’, no matter what.

So, now I am off to do my list of things that aren’t so kid friendly. I will listen to a little John Prine and a lot of hardcore rap. I will clean the back room like a mad woman, fill the bird feeders, plant some tulips(that should have been planted a month ago), scoop some dog shit, and maybe catch up on some Love and Hip Hop, cause that’s how I roll. As much as I love a good break, the best part of my day will be when my little family walks through that door tonight. Until then, here I go, yo.

[stacygarringer]

Theo trumps hate

Arrick and I are driving home from our annual Hocking Hills trek, so we can vote. I can’t help but to notice all the Trump signs placed in people’s yards. Hillary signs are noticeably less frequently displayed. This just boggles my mind. How is it that as a society, we will proudly put signs in our yards that screams, look at me, I support a nasty, nasty man. It is almost as if it is a 🖕🏼to families like mine, those signs. I wonder if people really grasp what a pivotal role this election could have on my family and so many more like ours.

I didn’t even vote at the last presidential election. Yeah, I said it. My life was different back then. Who won had no great impact on my family, we were not the minority back then. That was before Theo was diagnosed with Autism. That was before I knew what a mandate state meant. That was before obamacare helped us be able to afford to get Theo the therapy he deserved and so many other children go without. That was before BCBA’s, IEP’s, Medicare waivers and single case agreements came into our lives. I understand that most people never have to deal with what my family does, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t count or matter. Or that other people’s biased decisions won’t affect our family’s future. Theo’s future.

I will be voting for the Presidential candidate that has a detailed plan on how to deal with the growing number of children and adults living with Autism. Not the one that makes fun of people with disabilities. I will be voting for the candidate that values women, not just for their pu**ies. I will be voting for the candidate that doesn’t spew hate and believes in equal rights, human rights. I will be voting from my heart, based on morals and respect, something it seems so many people have forgotten about.

I will also go home after I vote and hug my children, knowing that I did the best I could for them. I will anxiously await to see who is victorious tonight. It says a lot about a person by who they vote for. What kind of person are you?

[stacygarringer]

[stacygarringer]

Hardly Noticeable

Today was Rozzie and Theo's first day of preschool. The excitement was in the air as we got ready to go. As we walked out the door I couldn't help but to think about how far we have come. When Theo was first diagnosed, we were told he may never be able to attend school. We would just have to wait and see. I also remembered that first day of ABA therapy 2 years ago, when life as I expected to be, was no longer in my grasp. I wanted to be a stay at home mom raising our twins, but life had different plans. 

About a year into therapy, we were told that they think Theo will be high functioning and hardly noticeable. Now, a year later, we laugh at the "hardly noticeable" notion. Theo has Autism. It is real, noticeable, and we embrace it. Theo has stims, sings really loud, scripts his favorite shows, has some fancy hand and eye movements and still can't tell us what he did at therapy when we pick him up. He struggles with his words, his emotions and eating. He is highly intelligent, even more so than his neurotypical twin. I have some guilt for feeling the way I did when he was diagnosed, thinking we could fix him. He wasn't broken or in need of repair, I was, the world is, but not him. 

Roz has been preparing for preschool since it ended in June. She asks about her friends, her teachers and picked out her own clothes. It is both heartwarming and heartbreaking to see the difference in them. To experience both worlds with the twins, I can't help but to think it is a gift. It has taught me to not take life for granted, it has taught me empathy, and it has taught me what raw, real, true love is. 

So, when we walked hand in hand up to the school this morning and I saw 2 of Theo's therapists standing there waiting on us with big smiles, I was feeling all of the emotions. The joy, hard work, unconditional love, sacrifices and sadness that led us here. We don't know what the future holds. We don't know if Theo will be joining Rozzie on their first day of kindergarten. And we are alright with that. We have learned to take one day at a time. This life is all we know now. We have navigated through it and although there are really tough days, the good days are what we focus on. And today was a good day.

[stacygarringer]

Take care

When I started Facebook a few years back, I had high hopes. I thought it would connect me to friends and family in a way that would be positive and fun. I thought it would feel good to share our beautiful life with everyone and it would give me the support I so desperately needed.

I was wrong. Instead, I think it gives others a false sense of being a part of our lives. The truth is, we rarely have visitors and often go weeks without help. Fb also exposes me to unwanted opinions and beliefs, that make me question the world in which I am raising my children.

I’ve also learned that liking something on facebook is way different than showing up. Every morning I show up. I wake up to a life few could handle, I smile, I do what I have to do. It is hard, sometimes painful, but so rewarding. I watch as everyone else goes on with their lives and I try not to be bitter. I know in my head they are busy, life goes on, but it still makes me wonder where my family fits into everyone else’s lives. We are so much more than a thumbs up on fb. Years, months and days go by, and here I sit, feeling more alone than ever. I’ve never been one to have lots of friends. My family is small and my parents live 500 miles away. Sometimes it feels like we live 1000 miles away from everybody we know and love. We are also not ones to ask for help. So for the last 4 years Arrick and I have done it pretty much by ourselves. The twins, the up all nighters, the behaviors, the things of which we do not speak, the autism, we have done them all. We are tired. I don’t say that very often, but fuck, we are tired.

So, it is time for a break. It is time to focus on happiness. So, I will be signing off of Facebook. I’m not sure I’ll ever be back. You see, I am a Scorpio, and when I’m done, I’m done. Don’t worry though, we aren’t going anywhere. We will still be out here in Farmland, in our cute little blue house, living our lives. You are more than welcome to visit or call.

I will miss certain things about fb, the people who make me smile with their posts and brighten my days. To the people that have made me feel not-so-alone in my life, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope to make better connections with all of you, just in a different way, that is more healthy for me and for my family. I want to sit with my friends and talk, laugh, cry and hug. I want people to be a part of my children’s lives, not through status updates and pictures, but by sitting on the floor playing with them, making real memories and connections that my little family so desperately needs.

So, take care all my fb peeps. I hope life is good to you and I wish you all the love and happiness in the world. See you on the flip side.❤️

[stacygarringer]

Goals

Lately, I have seen numerous people say they are setting goals for 2016. Goals intrigue me, how they change, or how they don't. My goals would probably be quite laughable to some people. My goals entail breathing more, not caring so much about everything, filling my bird feeders, getting myself healthy(not by losing weight), getting a diagnosis, going to more of Baxter's games/concerts, and getting an exhaust fan in our bathroom. They seem pretty attainable don't they? Well, these were also my goals last year and the year before. What can I say, we live in an old house and sticking in an exhaust fan isn't as easy as is sounds. My anxiety/depression is real, and our life definitely takes it toll on me at times. My physical health could be a whole story by itself but nobody wants to hear about that. Let's just say I wasn't born with the best set of innards and after all the surgeries and years my bowels(and me)have seen better days. And my bird feeders have been empty for over a week. So there you go. The last couple of years have been a series of roller coasters for me. And for those that know me best, know I hate roller coasters. Whether it's my health, our kids, autism or being small business owners, one pulls up and I hop on. I'm usually in the front seat with Arrick, holding on for dear life with white knuckles. When we get off one, and I almost catch my breath, another pulls up. And it begins again. I've been bitter about the rollercoasters, I'm not gonna lie. For a lot of years my goal was to get off the rollercoasters. To avoid them at all costs. To stay away from people who wanted me to ride theirs. And so I did. This year I've decided to set one goal. It is not going to be easy, but no goal is. My goal for this year is to get on that f@#king rollercoaster, sit down next to my man, put my hands up in the air, feel the air on my face and scream my head off. Even if it's for just a second. Just enjoy this roller coaster we call life a little more. Don't get me wrong, we laugh and enjoy life. Arrick and I are some funny mofos, just ask all of our friends. We have a good life, we also have some really scary roller coasters that we have to ride. One thing I've learned the last couple of years is that my ride is easy compared to others. It's taught me empathy and to think about what others may be going through in their lives. Everyone is hanging on, just in a different way, on a different ride. So here's to letting go in 2016 and enjoying the ride.