stainlesstears

[stainlesstears]

i hate when ppl leave important life updates out of convos I hate feeling left out so bad. I hate that my gf doesn't tell me shit abt her life bc it's june and I just found out she's vegan since february. I feel like a huge joke everyone's in on

[stainlesstears]

bc the truth is I've been suffering ever since this relationship started, even before when I didn't even know what we were. It's all documented here. And I'm not built for this, for the dead silence on the other end, for no conversation at all (unless it's to talk abt her new crazy experience with drugs omg look at her she's so cool and fun) and not a single bit of romance bc it's cringe or embarrassing or you're emotionally unavailable. We had each other for a week after almost two years and all I got was two quick kisses I had to ask for. This is not a relationship and maybe it's never been. Maybe it was all in my head and when you refer to yourself as my girlfriend you only do it lightheartedly, or maybe out of pity. I'm sick of being the only one in a relationship. But I can't let you go and I never will, I'll pretend it's all fine bc it's easier that way, bc I don't have to face reality and that I may never find someone who loves me as much as I love them

[stainlesstears]

“that’s ok i understand!!!!” but it actually made me sick to my stomach

[stainlesstears]

i will forever be the hurting child, the angry teenager and the lonely adult.

[stainlesstears]

cluster b culture is ignoring their messages just so they worry about you

.

[stainlesstears]

she's been texting me way more frequently these past few days?? and like ok nice but I wonder what happened, or if it's just how it is now? bc for four moths she replied after hours and we wouldn't have very long or varied conversations and now it's nice?? like we talked abt multiple different topics in under a day and she's not dry?? I'm so happy but like what's going on here

[stainlesstears]

so like I finally asked her whats going on with us and she basically said she doesn't want to be in a relationship bc of commitment issues. but like now I feel like she's been stringing me along for months, bc we've been texting every day and saying sweet stuff and she told her friends I'm her "special friend" whatever that means. why would you do that if you don't want it to lead anywhere?? I had a panic attack over it yesterday and I'm fucking losing sleep and I don't want to lose what we have but I'm not even sure there is something at this point?? I wish she had been clear about it since the start, since she confessed to me. she knows I have bpd and everything affects me to the extreme. I feel nauseous and my heart can't give me a break and it feels awful bc she's my fp and I feel like I ruined everything now. I know it just hurts me in the end but I don't want to let go of this. and ive been thinking of getting a dating app or smt to try to get her out of my head but also deleting myself from existence so it stops hurting. and when I get these bpd episodes my ed gets in on it too so like I've been completely miserable and starving and I rlly want this to be over

[stainlesstears]

likeee seriously having a conversation with her is exhausting she just keeps dragging it forever she never brings out her own topics or questions I always have to do that is this what being dry is like?? ngl im getting annoyed and I feel like im being played with honestly and since this is long distance I will never actually know

[stainlesstears]

just realized I've already said this the last time I logged in here haha fun

the thing that fucking hurts is not that she forgets to reply but that she hasn't thought abt me or texting me for that long bc she would've realized sooner otherwise

[stainlesstears]

the thing that fucking hurts is not that she forgets to reply but that she hasn't thought abt me or texting me for that long bc she would've realized sooner otherwise

[stainlesstears]

I mean if she forgets it's bc she doesn't think about me, and that is an enough heartbreaking thought alone

[stainlesstears]

I really don't think I can do this anymore. I know it's not healthy for me but also I don't know how to make it stop. I will never confront her abt it bc I'm just not that kind of person and I think it would push her away and that's the last thing I want. but I seriously believe she is ignoring me on purpose like she only replies once a day (after I see she has been online several times) and I guess it's just to keep the streak with me. and the worst thing is that she doesn't even try to hide it bc we're in a gc on twt and she always replies there so. I know she's told me she always forgets to reply to people and she's sleeping most of the time but I don't think it's to these lengths. we've been having the same conversation for three days and not bc it's long but bc she sends one reply per day. I am seriously going insane bc I feel she is distancing herself from me and maybe she lost interest bc what if I'm boring but idk how not to be and I'm always the one making an effort to carry the conversation and the more I think about this the more I'm upset bc it happened twice before when girls told me they liked me then treated me like this I'm just so stupid and naive and desperate for someone to like me that I fall for it over and over and I just hurt myself completely. my days are spent like I'm waiting on hold in an endless loop of trying to pass the time until she replies to me. it would've been totally different if we were irls at least I could be let down for real bc like this it just feels like she's not going to and I will always go on like this

[stainlesstears]

i can’t stop obsessing about them. i cant stop thinking about them, checking to see if they texted, wondering if they’re thinking about me, hoping they’re thinking about me, frustrated they arent texting me, hoping they’re okay, not wanting to annoy them... my brain is so tired of them

[stainlesstears]

Please talk to me.

I need you to talk to me.

I hate that I need you to talk to me.

Just a few more days. I can get over this.

I can.

I can get over this without being weird to you or hurting you or wanting you or hating everyone you talk to who isn't me I can be healthy and normal I can I can I can I can

God, I want to forgetbitehatehurt you so fucking much.

Please let this be over soon.

[stainlesstears]

she said "I have the whole day off I'm gna be here and annoy u all" and disappeared. well where the fuck r you then 😂

[stainlesstears]

when I downloaded an entire app just to talk to you and you don't even use it with me

[stainlesstears]

I know we haven't defined what we are but it messes with me a lot bc she says all these sweet things to me and how I'm her only love (when she's drunk) then she disappears for several hours then she says she scored three ppl at this party like.... I don't expect u to be only into me bc we're countries away and u have needs but like,, it still hurts and I want u to tell me what's going on so I maybe stop hurting idk