starfishgaming-blog

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Depression the Alien

I can’t explain the thoughts, feelings or actions anymore. It’s just this feeling of complete loneliness now, though I know I have people who are there for me and love to the end of the earth and back

Yet I seem so distant from humanity, this castaway with different emotions, and this alien to earth's weird popularity contest of “who’s got the best hair” or “Is up to date on the newest trends' '. It’s all one big contest and I’m in dead last

Depression and Anxiety are words people have given a terrible definition too, If you dare say you have anything out of what’s considered “natural” people feel sympathy for you

Because you feel different

Because you’ve suffered something so bad that it’s changed you

God forbid you’re just a little different and everything falls apart

So you put on an act, you know what I’m talking about, waterproof makeup just in case, the constant saying “I’m fine just tired” you start doing it so often to where you try and trick yourself but you make it worse

You get angry. Angry at the world for making you this way, angry at the universe for giving you the crappiest cards in the deck to win your hand, then finally angry at yourself for letting you get this way

You think about how it used to be and “How it once was” then you snap

You don’t show up to school for a week because the smallest thing will set you off, you barricade yourself from all human kind and you tell yourself “You’re protecting them”

But you lose yourself, suddenly you don’t know who you are anymore

Sound familiar?

Then when you come back you say you were sick and make up excuses to why you didn’t pick up the phone or answer those texts and go back to what you consider “normal”

As days go on you become accustomed to the daily struggle of people leaving, dying or cutting all around you and you’re used to it.

Until the one day where you mess up and the one person you counted on leaves

 EVERYTHING YOU DID FOR THEM OUT THE WINDOW IN A SINGLE DAY

You’re lost, not knowing what to do

You feel a numbness inside you

You tell one person just to make it better. And eventually you find true happiness again, but there’s still a small piece of yourself you’ll never get back.

[starfishgaming-blog]

Snap-snap-snap of the branches in the horrendous winds. As she lets her mind wander the winds get stronger and stronger throwing her side to side turning her legs to jelly. 

The leaves are falling, Branches breaking, eyes watering.

She tries so hard to fight her demons but loses every time. Because she tells herself she’s weak, she tells herself she's not worth the trouble, that she’s worthless.

 The leaves are falling, branches breaking, tears falling.

As she falls back into the abyss the winds pick up and she can no longer keep herself up, She’s at the mercy of the storm. It surrounds, eats her up to the point where she’s numb. All her emotions, her heart and her head are numb. She can’t move, her breathing shallow, For a short moment there's a light but only for a moment. 

The leaves have fallen, The branches are broken, The storm is over. 

She lays there lifeless, numb. Finally she’s found her peace. She looks up to the pearly gates happy to finally be free of her worries and her demons. But most importantly herself.   

[starfishgaming-blog]

Does anyone else get a feeling like this with someone? I have a really close friend, let’s call him K. K and I have been friends for a few years but we’ve gotten crazy close in the past year. My parents love him, he can walk into my house without asking and my family would be happy to see him. He sleeps in his boxers when he’s over and I wear like a sports bra and shorts, anyway him and I are close. K and I have both come from pretty crappy households to say the least and we’ve gone though hell and back, but despite all his pain he lights up a room with his smile and could make even the coldest person laugh with his goofy and over the top personality. K means the absolute world to me, he makes me feel safe when nothing else can, he makes me drop my falseness that I play up around my family members and makes me show the real sides of myself that he loves no matter what. Without fail he makes me just.. better. I’m happier, My mental health is better and in general I’m just better. K makes me better, and I don’t think I could ever thank him for that. When we were able to hangout last (before quarantine) He opened up to me about things he never had before.. He told me about how he felt and how much I meant to him, before it was just a silent thing that we both new. But he said it allowed and it almost made me cry, the fact that I brought him as much joy as he brings me made my heart melt. then later that night he fell asleep on my chest and snuggled up to me. It made me over the moon happy that he trusts me enough to be vulnerable with me. K is the type of person that doesn’t open up about his personal life, or his feelings to anyone. But lately he’s been opening up to me and telling little bits and I’m soooooo happy that he trusts me that much. I love K so much that my heart might explode. 

I’m always worried though. What if this and what if that. especially... what if he’s my soul mate and I can’t even be with him, that I found him yes but it’s the wrong lifetime and we’re just meant to be friends. I want the best for him yes always and I’d do anything to make him happy but what if someone makes him happier and he leaves? I know it’s selfish to think like that but I can’t help it. So I cherish the moments that I get to spend with him and the long deep conversations we have. but most importantly the small things. like the dumb conversation we had walking to his house, or him pole dancing in an almost empty bus on the way to Go-Karting. or when we’d we belt out musicals while we’re walking or in the middle of a DnD session.

Every time I see him or see his name pop up on my phone I smile like an Idiot, has anyone else had feelings like this with someone or am I overthinking and going crazy?

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I’ve been doing lots of drawing lately