stargirlcloud

[stargirlcloud]

first art post, kinda nervous

meat bnnuy

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arts & crafts and eternal damnation

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at the height of my derealization/disassociation i was working a job i absolutely fucking hated.

this job required me to to work 60-80 hours a week and deliver the best results while i’m also competing with everyone at my level for a 5 month period. any type of criticism or being asked to come to someone’s office felt like a weight on my chest and unable to breathe.

expected to work so much that i could barely keep food down. worked so much that i couldn’t figure out my reality. have i always worked this much? did i have a life before? i know it sounds ridiculous but the derealization made me think that there was no way i could get out of my work situation. the only way out seemed to be commiting.

i remember walking down the hallway seeing all the desks and computers and the floor to ceiling windows and really thinking that if i somehow got through that window that i wouldn’t fall. nothing felt real.

i would look at my hands and legs and be so scared because it looked unfamiliar to me. mirrors were awful, i couldn’t recognize my self.

yes, i was expected to be there at night. in the morning, in my head. all the time. there was nothing else outside.

You are not supposed to be here at night.

[stargirlcloud]

it’s strange because i was convinced that i had a good childhood until my therapist asks me to recall memories from when i was a child. and i literally cannot

I actually thought it was normal to not remember. i don’t remember much about my mom or dad. i only remembered the times with my siblings and that was also vague.

the true more real memories are the some of the bad times. i don’t know why i thought i had a good childhood.

[stargirlcloud]

[stargirlcloud]

i’m so curious if anyone struggles to maintain their creativity while also being a corporate slave.

like the first thing i saw change was the way i dressed. i stopped buying clothes that i find cool, weird or interesting and just buy corporate safe clothes. and i recently realized thats all i wear now.

[stargirlcloud]

it’s actually funny that radiohead had a lawsuit against lana del rey

radiohead to depressed guys is what lana del rey is to depressed girls

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i wish there was a safer space for ex muslims to be online and allowed to share their thoughts openly. I find that i scroll through ex mormon tik tok because i find it so familiar.

tik tok is probably the worst about ex muslims. the most conservative close minded muslims are popular. its incredibly homophobic as well.

and the ex muslim reddit page is racist and hateful.

i’d love just a safe, progressive space for ex muslims.

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halsey 2025 bringing 2015 vibes back

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I came back to this blog 6 years later. 6 years ago I dreamed a lot about the moon and the universe. This hasn’t changed but now I’m in a corporate soul sucking job. I want to sit around and dream about the moon and universe all of the time

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[stargirlcloud]

sad ?

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Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.

William Dement (via astral-club)

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The Romance of the Sun and the Moon

a Gnostic Tale

The moon was alone one evening, shining in the midnight sky. Although she was surrounded by myriads of tiny, sparkly stars, she felt as if there was no one to understand her. She eagerly searched the skies for a friend, perhaps a meteor, with whom to discuss the joys and sorrows of her life. But there was nobody. On the other side of the world, the sun yawned and awoke to shine his light upon the blue-green temples of God. He heard the call to worship, and saw the waves of people bowing and praying. He felt full of good will and charity towards the masses of God’s servitors. Perhaps they were not holy, but at least they were faithful. The moon stayed alone, suspended in the sky with none to touch her. A tiny star whispered to her of a great being, the sun, who brought joy and light to the world. She listened with interest, for it seemed that once, a long time ago, she had seen a being such as this. Beautiful as he was, the sun seemed always just beyond her reach. She would visit the places where he had been, and would always find that he had just left. Those who knew him spoke of his wonder and his glory, and she felt unworthy to be in his presence. Now the sun was unaware of her yearning, for he was too busy making the crops grow and warming the world. Those who wished his light had only to look upward to heaven and he was there, beaming down upon them. The moon continued to follow the sun, always coming nearer to him, always hearing that he had just left that portion of the sky, or was just over the next mountain range. Where before there was despair, now she was ever more hopeful, for she knew that she was approaching his presence. She came closer and closer, until one glorious day came when she stood before him, naked and unafraid. The world looked up and saw only blackness - in the middle of the day. But the moon stood mid-way between the sun and the earth, and all of his glory was for her. His light blotted out all of her loneliness, all of her pain, all of her past. She stood bathed in wonder before him, and his light filled her soul. She passed away from him full of light and joy, and though his light was too bright to remember, it was also too powerful to forget. She was dizzy with wonder. As time passed, it seemed that she once had been a being full of light, yet it was so long ago…

Such is the soul of man, dear one. It yearns for the glorious light of Truth, which destroys all loneliness and memory. The many lives of man are as many times as the moon sees the sun - after each, nothing remains but a vague idea of a beauty once seen. And there is always the longing, and always the return.