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steebart · 5 months

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Fallout Boy

#fallout

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steebart · 5 months

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Some studys

#sketch

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steebart · 5 months

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School sucks

For the first few years of school I got straight A's and it wasn't difficult. I wasn't making mistakes, not meaningful ones, and the only way to learn is to make mistakes. When things started getting difficult and my grades started slipping I didn't know how to adapt because I never learned how to learn. I just thought I wasn't trying hard enough, so I put in more and more effort to maintain my straight A's. I skipped out on hanging with my friends because I prioritized getting my work done, and once my work was done I felt like I had to maximize my free time by doing the things I enjoyed. I thought I enjoyed video games, and I did for a little bit, but what I really enjoyed was hanging out with my friends. Videogames and the internet just happened to be the easiest way to do that at the time. As the stress grew the enjoyment I gained from playing video games with my friends diminished. It distracted me from my problems momentarily, but they were there when I was alone. Eventually the anxieties grew so loud that I couldn't even enjoy hanging out with my friends. I got angry at them, lashed out, got defensive, pushed them away.

I've pushed away so many friends. I think it's because I wasn't really thinking about them, I was using them to avoid my problems. They were distractions for me, tools, cogs in the machine, not human beings. Now that I've actually opened up to them about my problems and tried to understand their problems from their point of view, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I thought I was introverted. I thought I just didn't like talking to people, that my anxiety made me incapable of being around large groups of people. I just didn't see people who I was unfamiliar with as equal to me. I thought they wouldn't understand me, so I didn't bother to understand them. To me, they were all strangers, and I was taught to be scared of strangers. The more people I talk to and understand, the more I see how we're all the same. I see just how small my narrow my perspective of the world really was. I feel like I can understand anyone if I try, and if it isn't working, then I need learn from what isn't working and try a different way.

Communicating with someone isn't just lecturing them. You need to ask questions to learn. I was told that as a kid, and I memorized that phrase, but I never applied it to my life. I was always afraid to ask questions because I lacked confidence. I thought saying the wrong thing would make me look dumb and everyone would judge me. I was scared of other people. I was reacting like a frightened animal. The point of school is to learn. No one is dumb, we just haven't been taught something yet. I was prioritizing not embarrassing myself, pretending to be someone I'm not to be cool, over my learning. I thought I needed good grades to be successful and the only way to do that was burn myself out. It just made me miserable instead.

I never questioned why I wanted to be successful. I thought it was something I just had to do, that everyone had to do. At the time my perception of success was based in imitating the people I thought were successful, but I'm not them. I'll never be them. If I only ever strive for what they are then I'll only ever be disappointed. I need to forge my own path. I need to be confident. Ask questions. Speak up. That's the only way for me to learn. Every time I stepped out of my comfort zone and hit on obstacle, I thought it was my fault. I thought I was the problem, like I was just too stupid to understand. But no one is stupid. No one is dumb. They can understand, we just have to teach them. I didn't remember any of the stuff I was taught in school because I didn't learn how to learn. I learned how to take tests and follow directions, how to stay in line, how to pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. I learned that Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom come; thy will be done; on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil. And yet I was tempted by by the apple of Eden. I trespassed others because I thought they would trespass me. I was perpetuating the system that did not have liberty and justice for all. I believed that if I just did what I was told, I would be rewarded.

Now that I realized that I didn't want "success", my priorities seem so much clearer. I don't want anything other than to do what feels right in the moment. Whenever I feel bad, it's because my body is telling me something isn't right. I was stressed in school because I was pushing myself too hard, and when my parents saw me struggling and got worried, I interpreted it as disappointment and felt even more shame. I thought I could just try harder, but the amount of effort wasn't the issue, I was just applying in the wrong way. If I feel like I'm doing the right thing then I feel no guilt, no shame. For me, dissonance was the difference between what I thought was right, and what was right for me. My parents weren't disappointed when I told them how I felt, nor were my friends. I just had to communicate it in a way for them to understand, to teach them how I feel, not just lecture them. We want the same thing, to be happy. To be a family. We can only teach others if we talk to them like they're our kin, with the intention of making them proud while not sacrificing our own values.

I believe in you. I really do.

-Matt

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steebart · 5 months

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Art v AI

Here are some thoughts I've had recently. It's a lot so read it if you want to. I'd love to hear what you think.

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The battle between artists and AI is one in a metaphorical and literal sense. Each side is driven by different ideologies. There are thought leaders among both who others look up to for advice. Many people in pursuit of their goal, their ideology, dismiss the wants and needs of those on the other side. They value one thing above all else. They think that the way they enjoy things is the only way. Or they think that the other side is somehow incapable of understanding it. So as a result, they don’t try to understand their enemy. They misinterpret what they’re saying in the worst way rather than giving them the benefit of the doubt and hearing them out. And it’s hard not to hear people out when it seems like all they’ve ever done is make is life worse. But if I never give them a chance to understand me because I've never tried to understand them, then that’ll keep happening. Learning and teaching are a two way street. We learn as much from our teachers as they do their students. Because learning is understanding the world around us. Why things are the way they are. If a student isn't comprehending something, it's on the teacher to figure out why. I can’t just accept things as they are if I don’t know if the perception I have is accurate. And none of us know the reasons for anything. That’s why we speculate about God and The Big Crunch, we want to know. And it’s because we want to know that we find the unknown scary. We find solace in thinking we know what the reason is when there is no reason. I’m trying to stop thinking I know why I’m doing things, because I don’t. I’m an animal of instinct, we all are, my thoughts and feelings are just how I manifest my instincts. And I’m not responsible for any of that, just as a dog or cat or plant isn’t responsible for their level of understanding. I was under the impression that animals don’t blame themselves for what they are, but that’s also just an assumption. Maybe some of them do. Just like humans. What I perceived as depression, what I suffered with, the lack of motivation to do what is healthy for myself, has been observed in flies when put in scenarios of high stress that they have no control over. I feel like it’s because they feel hopeless, like they aren’t in control. That’s how I’d react if I was in their situation anyway. [1]

I’m learning to feel the most in control of my life if I unpack what I am genuinely in control of, which at this moment are my thoughts and body in certain ways. I don’t have total control of my body, because really my body isn’t me, it’s the universe. When it comes down to it, the only thing I can do is catch myself in the middle of a habit, something I do instinctually, and try to stop it if I don’t think it’s helping me. And it will fail, because habits are hard to break, but I just need to keep trying. That’s the hard part. But it does get easier. But I need to keep trying. I think it was Jogging Baboon who said that.

Back to AI, I think we all want to create things. Because when we create things we have control. So we prioritize the resources we need in order to create. I was prioritizing getting into the animation industry because I wanted to make great animated films like the ones I watched that inspired me as a kid. So I did what I thought I had to do to accomplish that. Go to college, take all the lessons, network. I hated all of that, because I was doing it so I could get to the position where I felt I could create things without realizing I could create what I want to create right now. I think people who are so eager to use generative AI do so because they see the effort that other people put into their work and feel intimidated, like they can’t do that. They’re comparing themselves and their work to the work they think is good, the person who they want to be. But really, everyone’s creations are the result of all of their experiences, and I’ll never be anyone but me so I’ve learned to stop comparing myself to others and their work. They’re doing their best with what they know just like I am. They’re following their instincts. And ultimately, they won’t get the same sense of accomplishment out of generating AI as they would if they did it in other ways that required more effort, that taught them more about themselves and what they like and why they like it, because at the end of the day my accomplishment is appreciating how far I've come, what I've learned, how I've changed as a person. They didn’t learn anything by typing in a few words. But I don’t need to shame them for that. We’ve all been there, at least I know I have. I pursued goals that weren’t actually for me, that didn’t make me happy, and then I got frustrated when I wasn’t happy, when I felt like the effort I was putting in wasn't comparable to the people around me, and so I slowly lost hope along the way. I blamed myself. I need to stop giving myself expectations. Whatever the outcome is is fine. Because I’ll be fine. And if I’m not fine, then I’ll probably have died and no longer feel anything, but that’s just my body. My essence, my ideas and memories and influences will live on in everyone I meet. That is my power, that’s my money, that’s my art. And I want to make the most of it.

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[1] Emotional states: Sweet relief for depressed flies

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0960982222013677#:~:text=Over%20the%20past%20decade%2C%20the,a%20form%20of%20learned%20helplessness.

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steebart · 5 months

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