stellar-sys

[stellar-sys]

Watching the curious case of Natalia Grace

...and the only question that keeps circling my head.

How in the fuck is no one saying Kristine needs to be evaluated? Like the dentist told them she had 12 baby teeth remaining and she was six years old and Kristine is insistent on these plain lies, why did no one from the beginning of this awful tale to the end not look that vindictive witch in the face and ask 'Is your head even on right?'

Like the more I watch, the more I genuinely wonder if Kris has something psychologically wrong that's not being treated

Specifically as someone who experiences hallucinations and delusions, that's genuinely what it feels like. For now.

I'm still on season one for now.

Might post again later idk.

[stellar-sys]

We kinda let this die for a while...

Ah, it happens. Psych wards and anti-depressants

I'm off my meds again.

I don't really know how to align the fact that the meds are supposed to make me better with the fact that I can go years without a psych stay without them, but every time we're on them it all goes to shit.

We're not on the right kind of meds, our diagnosis isn't correct and nobody is listening to us.

Rory is finding taking over to be harder than he thought, but he's learning.

He'll come good. We all will.

Not sure the purpose of this, other than.. just to talk. We have a new job, we like it a bit better.

It works for us. At least those that can do it.

[stellar-sys]

When you see it, REBLOG IT.

Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433

LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438

Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673

Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272

Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253

If you ever want to talk: My Tumblr ask is always open.

[stellar-sys]

when my feelings get hurt, i just don’t text back and i see if they will text me first!! (it doesn’t happen, they don’t text first, and i end up being upset about it)

[stellar-sys]

This may start as mini revolutions, but this will lead to bigger revolutions.

We need to disrupt.

[stellar-sys]

[stellar-sys]

I learned about how other DID systems experience amnesia and one description has hit the nail on the head. We experience black-out amnesia, but not how it is commonly portrayed online or in media. We do not get confused about where we are, find ourselves in places we do not remember going. We do not notice our amnesia unless we are reminded of it.

Amnesia to us is like digging through sand trying to find the memory in our brain.

I do not recall forgetting something until i am supposed to remember the events. It feels to me like i have experienced every second of every day. I find it difficult to notice memory gaps on my own, and i believe that is partly the point of DID.

[stellar-sys]

Call me manipulative, but I want someone to reach their hand out to me when I start to walk away.

I want to feel like I'm worth running after. I want to feel like I'm wanted.

[stellar-sys]

I see a lot of yandere stuff that's just incredibly..... forceful. And that's great for those who love that!

But give me a yandere who kidnaps their darling, keeps them locked away, and drugged up. Yet any time they lean in, they gently cup their darlings face and ask, "May I kiss you?"

Of course, I wouldn't be able to deny them. But if you did say no, that's okay! Because one day you'll say yes! And you're in their grasp now, so the yandere can wait. You're theirs now, and they can wait until you want them completely.

[stellar-sys]

Hey hey hey listen to me [snaps my fingers in front of your face] you’re not going to be mean to kids joining Tumblr because TikTok got banned right? You’re not going to make fun of them because they’re ‘cringe’, especially on the supposed ‘cringe is dead’ app, right? You’re not going to go out of your way to just be hostile to children because you don’t like them, right?

“Oh but they deserve it, they’re annoying” cunts were saying that shit about you when you were ‘uwuing’ and ‘smol beaning’ on here in 2015. Kids will always be annoying and your generation, nor will you, ever be an exception to that rule. This app isn’t like an exclusive club, be fucking nice for once.

[stellar-sys]

I know I can be intense, but I can’t help it. No one has ever made me feel wanted, needed, like you do. I’m scared if I let go even a little, you’ll disappear.

[stellar-sys]

new reason to stay alive: outlive the trump presidency. In fact, outlive Trump. He isn’t immortal. We can live to see the day he's guaranteed to never be in office ever again and we can make sure he knows that he'll never have enough power to kill you

stay strong, friends, this isn't your fault

[stellar-sys]

[stellar-sys]

no, i don’t want “just anyone”

i want you.

[stellar-sys]

I did my best to be lovable.

[stellar-sys]

Oh, look, a journal entry...

Christ, we really are so bad at remembering to journal. Ah well.

If the weeks could like, chill, that would be so fucking great.

Somehow, we're still doing fine at work, despite the deep desire to drop ice in the fryer occasionally. The splitting is a lot, if that could like, chill. When we chose the universal name Stellar for the body, we were not intending for it to split an alter, and a root one too. That headache was murder.

They're chill though, surprisingly good at like, existing?

Uh, my therapist told me, in font of Maze, that I am bad at communication and also that I have 'control issues'.

Patch forced the body to follow his schedule for eight years. I definitely think control issues left the building on Sunday good sir, it's Wednesday. Been there done that.

Realistically, I know that it's the first step in the process. We don't know each other yet.

Signing off for now,

Zara

[stellar-sys]

I don’t get it. I don’t get why my mum is like this.

I don’t get how I can go to her in a blind panic, on the verge of tears and barely able to speak, and she can tell me she doesn’t appreciate my tone. I don’t get how moments away from an episode she can’t be sympathetic and listen to me when I say things. I don’t get how after it all she does something nice for me.

Context under the cut

My kitten just got spayed a few days ago, and today she threw up on my bed. I hadn’t made my bed properly so it went over my quilt and my bedsheet. I have the quilt cover, quilt itself, bedsheet and mattress protecter to wash now. It’s late in the day, there isn’t enough time to wash and dry it all before bed.

I check on my kitten. She’s fine. She’s cheery, playful, walking around normally, running and jumping- she had probably just eaten too fast on her pain meds. The I try to figure out what to do with my bedding. And I panic and run to my mum.

My mum, sprawled on the couch, looks at me and asks me with barely any care, ‘what’s wrong?’ And I tell her. I’m in a panic, I don’t know what to do. All I know is I have bedding that needs washing. I can put it in the machine, but it won’t all fit at once. What order do I put it in? Where do I put the thing not in the wash while the other thing is washing? What the hell do i do?

I have OCD. I’ve been diagnosed for 9 years now. I’m displaying clear signs of the beginning of an episode, that I would need to take a sedative for. I’m all but on my knees begging for some help. And she tells me that she doesn’t like my tone, and to calm down. She doesn’t move an inch. She doesn’t look alert. Her voice has this, calm, unbothered tone to it. I’m falling apart and it feels to me like she just doesn’t care.

Without a solution, I go upstairs to shower and pray the shower will calm me down. I needed a shower today anyway, this just meant it wouldn’t be when I had planned for it.

I get out of the shower. My mum has made my bed with the spare bedding. She’s calm. She’s so calm. She’s been calm this whole time. I don’t get it. I want to scream at her for not listening to me and helping me or at least matching my energy, but she’s helped me. I can’t be angry at her, she’s done something for me. But she’s also ignored my emotions again.

I don’t get how she can do it.