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stetx · 8 months ago

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There are these moments I have, however misguided they may be, where I remind myself I am an American citizen. I live here. I get to take up space just like everybody else. I don't push it too far or deep, but there are times when I'd like to hope that the Constitution or the Amendments or our government has me in mind as well as it's other constituents. I have, perhaps foolishly, as usual with me, been reaching out to different Black (queer) men I know about their feelings concerning the latest election. Earlier this year, I was able to respond to a series of terrible incidents I survived by being blatantly honest with myself I was heartbroken. Naming being 'heartbroken' didn't absolve or erase anything, but it was a clear truth to move from instead of lying to myself or denying what I felt. I have been reminding myself it's not my place nor work to get others to be vulnerable or share they may not feel extra content right now. I don't know I was looking for someone to muck around in the mud with nor join me for a pity party. I do wish, as often, I had someone like myself in my social circle to reach out to me seeing how I was doing. I wish there was a space where we could fathom what strategies might be necessary for withstanding the forthcoming racist attacks, policies, legislation, or executive orders that may go into effect under 47. I've been trying my best not to feel so deeply reminded of how, under his first presidency, so many people went out their way to engage in a moment based solely on what my body or identities symbolized for them. I wasn't asked about my views or how I aligned myself, but because of how I presented I had to not just deal with actual affronts to my person; but the continuous offense others took to their idea of me. Because of my line of work, I wasn't able to disengage from the daily shifts, outbursts, or ideas that came to fruition from his administration. I found myself, years later, being asked by several friends I value for their dedication & ability to bear witness to the cultural shifts in our society, what exactly has been happening? I am working on figuring out what I need to do for myself, first and foremost, to fortify myself. I don't see any help coming. I don't see any relief arriving. I don't believe anyone will have nor take the time to grant me a certain humanity, let alone a certain vulnerability. I feel I'm going to find myself becoming very silent as the need for me to only be concise if I say anything will become a thing. I think things, ultimately, don't have to be terrible. I can't let anxious thinking get the best of me and render me unable to see or think clearly. More than anything, I don't want to feel hopeless nor powerless. I don't want to believe I am incapable of making it through this upcoming presidency. I cannot just be a victim of my past or the varying circumstances that seek to swallow me whole. I've been so removed from my sense of self over the last few months I am unsure what it is I desire for myself going forward, but I know I don't want to see myself become a statistic or embarrassment. I want to learn there is something inside myself that will guide my path. I feel like I have been remembering there's more to me than what I even allow myself to make visible. I must tap into that resource I uniquely possess as a return to what I'm often told to eschew, refuse, or discard. I have to show up for me.

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stetx · 8 months ago

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