stevn93

[stevn93]

Life is day by day and even though I feel great and make plans I might not have it in me by tomorrow. Some days are just hard for literally no reason, had plans on going fishing this morning. Alarm went off and I grabbed a blanket and balled up instead. Roommate comes out at 10:27 I thought you were going fishing? Not today. Oh. I see my Mustang sitting there and as excited as I was to get it back I sometimes think I'll just give up and sell it and the boats. I feel that I've lost my passion in life. I'm just tired. When I was single I used to fish 340 days a year with 4 hours minimum on the water and if I wasn't fishing I was wrenching on one of my 8 cars or the daily driver. When I got a second job I still spent upward of 280 days on the water and dropping to about 220 when she and I got together. After we married I dropped to about 160 days a year and got rid of all my cars but one and eventually got rid of it. When the kids came along I was afraid of being my father and also I feared they would think I cared about my things more than them. My trip count dropped to 12 attempted only 8 outings to 6 and 2 and 1 this year. I got lazy, and I got divorced and I struggle with me. Who am I, what am I, I know I'm not straight but by how much. How do I move on, I tell everyone I'm going to have a hoe ark but I don't know if I have it in me. Most days I'm fantastic but on occasion I just feel broken and tired. Thanks for being a listening ear my old friend...it helps sometimes. I appreciate that you are always here, until we meet again take care.

[stevn93]

Was binge watching Final Space again and as usual I had to stop because I'm falling apart. And I'm questioning everything...everything I have done, everything I haven't done, everything I'm in consideration of doing. Did I ruin everything?? Did I ruin my family's life, did I ruin her life, did I ruin mine?? Am I?? It was a cold nasty day with nothing but rain and for some reason my brain has gone all the way back to that one. I don't often have days like today, but I just don't have the strength to keep it in as the music plays and the rain and my tears continue to fall I wonder if this is what it's like. The end... does it feel this cold and alone, the uncertain anxiety slowly slipping into despair as reality sets in. The tears and the taste of blood and the sobering pains and knowing everything that won't be. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not sure if I'm OK anymore. Who am I?? What do I want?? What am I?? I don't much care for being left with my thoughts on nights/mornings like this and I only hope getting them out of my head will let me sleep. I'm tired, I think I'll lie here and rest soon. Thanks for always listening my old friend. Perhaps...or

[stevn93]

Ughhh...betrayed by the job. Robbed of my overtime and was told that anytime you use vacation, sick or sabbatical hours you can not exceed 40 paid hours. The last 5 years it's been no issue I'd just get my overtime as regular hours because it's paid from a different system as it's accrued time and is basically paid from outside the regular budget. But here I took my vacation to attend a weekend event and it led to my vacation being in both pay weeks both weeks I had 10 plus hour days in, but no worries it's just going to be straight time. I'm set to be back to work on Tuesday and Sunday night at 8:28 I get an automated message saying my already approved vacation is canceled followed by another at 8:30 for the same thing. I punch in and run to accounting and inquire if I'm about to get a super sad payday and they explain it away. I go to the office and check things from my end and see my available vacation has gone from 96hrs to 114.xx hrs. So I go to the facility director. He basically said you are only entitled to 40 hours and that's it. 5 years of blood sweat and tears and places wonder why we don't want to work...it's because it only gets us used, abused and stabbed in the back. I don't belong anyway but it's crushing disappointment. Especially when other full time associates say they were made aware up front but I wasn't. I've started bringing home my personal effects and have begun selling others as I can't store some things in the trailer park, which means I'll probably have to part ways with my 1976 Mustang Cobra II again. And one of my boats if not both. I guess maybe one day I can try to have things again. It just sucks being screwed and electing to start all over again. Maybe I should just suck it up and go back to Walmart... it's like why try, I thought I was done with changing jobs. Or maybe they found out the real me and it's them trying to push me out instead of firing me and bringing it to public view since nobody has the stones to fire anyone there. I'll ride the wave until fall so I can tie up loose ends and find something else and then they can not be crippled without me and I can burn my PTO.

[stevn93]

Hello my old and faithful friend, how have you been?? I've been absent for some time... I had so much to tell, but after sitting here for the last hour I seem to have lost my motivation and excitement. Not that my words matter anyway, instead I'll sit in the still of night knowing you are always here. For me, for a tired soul that may one day finally find the peaceful rest in the midst of insanity. For them, one all or none you remain and remember. Thank you for being my friend.

[stevn93]

How do we become so damaged.. I don't know what is wrong with me. It's not often but sometimes I struggle with everything, is free will real, do I matter, am I real, what is a good person, how do we define good, etc. People say you have your stuff together in your 30's but I don't believe it because I've never been so uncertain in my life. I blame a fair amount of my issues on spending the first 24 years of my life in organized religion (grew up in a Seventh Day Adventist home from a long line of no less than 4 generations). I spent my childhood being told things will get you sent to H3LL, and it was things my friends did for the most part but they didn't seem as trapped as I was. I committed more than my fair share of sins believe me on that, but when I was 24 I got my own home and got married. At 24 I thought I had my life sorted, I had gotten every car, truck, boat, atv or bike I desired and wasted literally hundreds of thousands of dollars. I was ready to settle down and start a family and no longer having the restrictions religion placed on me I was happier than I had ever been. I wasn't depressed anymore I could do anything and pursue better jobs because I was free... But I suppose all good things do eventually end..don't they. I began to question things and my purpose. I began to question things about myself that I was so certain were true and absolute. I almost quit life once and perhaps the thought of how close it was to reality scares me. If I'm ever bad sick I think about if I don't pull through and I don't know why. I have had a few family members pass of illness. I don't know what I believe, I know what I have been told. Is it possible I'm too willing to embrace passing so I imagine it or am I afraid and trying to make it less scary by imagining different ends. How did I get this way, am I broken?? The things that plague the mind late at night powered by sickness and fevers...

[stevn93]

Hello old friend, I've been away for a while again, never was good at keeping up with people. Just a bad person I suppose, but how have you been?? Me it's been a bit of a roller coaster, excited and happy to existential crises and disgust?? Disappointment?? Depression and overly self critical?? Maybe all of it, I used to love long hot showers. Made me feel fresh, rejuvenated and it was a quiet place for me. But tonight I couldn't help but notice how much of my hair had collected on the hairline of my wrist. Over and over I would clear the 20-30 from each arm and watch as the mass on the shower wall grew, I realized it didn't use to be like that and how it seems to be more and more but soon it will be less and less. I stare at how little remains in the mirror also noting the white chest and beard hair. Removing my glasses and leaning in, the lines on the forehead, the lines under the eyes and the dark just below the hazel/gray eyes that once shown of green and blue. Time has not been kind just as being left alone with one's thoughts. You look back to the shower wall there used to be so many hairs and soon there will be none, there was so many years before and there's less and less and soon there will be none left. I think of my parents and my kids, I think of my X-wife and the years we had and the years I spent alone. So much time and yet so little. Time waits for none and conquers all.

[stevn93]

So I finally called my parents on Christmas and to wish Mom a happy birthday and there was no mention of my news and no questions. We talked for over an hour and a half. I really should get back in the habit of calling again. But evidently a few people on her side have issue with it and not her parents. So it looks like things are OK. Still not going to tell my grandparents between their age and health I don't think it's the move. Going to ANE for my first convention it's so close.

[stevn93]

so after a week she broke the news to her parents. And on the following Thursday I called home and told my parents the news of our separation and that I'm not straight...it's been a week. I know my brother and sister are fine with it but Mom and Dad still attend church on the regular. Not sure how welcome I'll be next time I intend on visiting. I guess time will tell how much I've mucked things up.

[stevn93]

It's me again...same Ole wreck. I just don't seem to get it right whatever that is. I took to the pen last night and I wouldn't shut up and I may have said the beginning of the end of my marriage. I told her that if she ever decided she was done or if she left I couldn't blame her because this isn't what she signed up for. So she asked if I wanted a way out and I said not really I don't know enough about me or what I want to make life altering decisions. Anyway it's now Thursday evening and yesterday we talked for about 3 hours...and after 7 years we have mutually decided to separate. Neither of us can afford to leave so we are now basically roommates. It doesn't seem real, it feels like a bad dream where I've ruined everything. I don't know what to do now. Like is this actually it?? Did I actually agree to end our marriage... we are civil and will remain civil especially on account of the kids.

[stevn93]

Hello again old friend, I'm still around as are you. How are you as of late?? Me?? I'm well..I'm doing good. I suppose I'm in the same place I always am. That place where I'm not sure of anything, existential crisis, I think and I look back and I reflect and I question and I'm just not certain... Not certain of my feelings, not certain of my emotions, not certain of my beliefs, not certain of my values, not certain of my sexuality or what I want. I look and I see how damaged I am, I sometimes struggle when I have no reason and no real problems. I am tired but it's not a sleepy tired, it's a drained exhaustion that slowly creeps in and drains you, first mentally, then physically and finally spiritually leaving you in a cloud. Anyway I've lost my train of thought...derailed?? Anyway thanks again old friend, I'll see you later.

[stevn93]

Hello my old friend... it's been a while hasn't it. How have you been?? I've been well also, was a long day today. You never really notice how much you leave behind in a place you've lived for years. Sometimes you find pieces of an old you, pictures, items that were once valued, memories and gifts. It can leave you with emotions and feelings you thought had been laid to rest but perhaps are not. At times you can build a picture of where you were in life, the circle you kept. I used to be a writer in my spare time and I once had a number of short writings many of which I posted here. Not all made it to keyed words and some were a thought that were lost before ever being given visible form. I found one on the back of a paper plate that could be from as early as summer of 2012 or as late as 2018 as I left that place in that year. So much gets left behind and eventually lost to time, rarely can one go back and even more rarely can one recover such things. Not all things are worth recovering and best left in the past. I peered into oblivion and found the past among the rest that didn't last. I sometimes wonder if I was ever OK, I should make time to write again. Anyway thanks for sticking around and listening old friend, take care until we meet again.

[stevn93]

She keeps saying that she is waiting for me to figure myself out only I don't have a clue. I used to believe I was straight, I used to whole heatedly believe in God and religion, I used to believe the things I was told, I used to believe some things were a choice. Now I have more questions and uncertainty than ever. I know I'm not straight, but I'm not sure if I'm gay. Some time back she called me gay and I responded by saying maybe 6/10. She laughed and said that was cute but I'm at least 8/10 and the more I pay attention the more she might be right...or I'm getting more gay?? IDK... the other night we were talking and again she said she was waiting for me to figure myself out and the conversation kept going and she has always said she was more man than me and I was more woman than her, but I don't remember what she said with it this time but I feel like she was implying things. I don't know anything about myself anymore and I don't know what to do. I've never been so unsure of anything in my life. What am I? Who am I? I just don't know what to do. I'm always saying I'm fantastic when asked how I am, but sometimes I know there's nothing further from the truth. I miss when I was young and dumb at times, because I actually thought I knew myself. Well thanks for being here and listening like always, until we meet again..old friend.

[stevn93]

It's OK to not be OK. It's OK to fall apart. It's OK...

[stevn93]

My Life is a Lie

It's been difficult and emotional. I'm scared. I don't know what to do. Next weekend she is going out of town and while she is I'm to use my hall pass and figure out me so we can figure out us. I was last with a guy off and on from 14 to 16 I'm 31 now. I was afraid my mother was on to us so we split and got girlfriends within the week. His parents were possibly also adding it up. I spent my entire life trying to be straight and built a "straight life" and it seems to have been a lie. When my cousin came out I wanted to tell him, I wanted to be there for him but I was a coward. I couldn't risk it. I was raised in a very religious home so was the guy I was seeing as was my cousin. I saw how he was treated, I saw how the family reacted. Was over 200 people at the wedding and only me and my wife, his sister and one of his aunts and uncle from his dad's side attended. I work for a Christian based non-profit...none of them know the truth and I have to hide the real me. What would my parents think. Would my grandparents still watch the kids for us. Where would I go, what would I do. I'd have to find another job. My entire life is built around my being straight and I can't let anyone know I'm not because then everything falls apart and I'm left alone. I'm so tired of hiding but I'm so afraid. I spent my entire life being told it's a choice but if that was true wouldn't everyone choose to be Bisexual for limitless partner options. I don't know that it's a choice I know I'm Bi and may lean more to the gay side and if that's the case, I have done nothing but wrong. My marriage, my kids, my job all based on my lie to myself and everyone else. I made vows to her...I don't know what is right anymore. I just feel a confused mess, when I broke down 2 weeks ago I told her. I told her everything through my tears including my life is a lie. I don't know if I can fix this. I'm just so tired and scared...I...

[stevn93]

Well I guess this is the beginning of the end. It appears I might be bringing my marriage to an end. *sigh* It was a little over two months ago when my wife jokingly called me a gay b!@# and I laughed and said only like 6/10. A while later the joke was made again but after I said only like 6/10 she followed up with at least 8/10. So she approached me the other night and suggested a "hall pass" to figure myself out so we can work out us. We have been talking almost every night for the last 4 or 5 days and she had a few questions today. And one of them was had I ever thought about Furries or NSFW materials in THE act. I'm an open book and not about to lie as we have always behaved as adults and discussed with each other. I told her YES. I asked if she had any other questions comments or concerns, she said no I don't want to be upset before work. I said you mean like you already are? She said yes, went and got ready for work said see you later and left. I guess being honest when asked a question isn't good. She never liked Furries and one of the first things I told her the night she came and started talking to me was 3 things you need to know is I'm a furry, I'm a sub, and was raised in a SDA home so I'm weird. She responded with 3 things and I told her it's no joke you need to know this to continue. She said it would take more than that to make her go away. But I guess I have only gotten worse and she doesn't want me feeling trapped, but then I don't want her feeling that way. I don't want her thinking she has to stay. So I feel like I have brought us to the end... and I don't know what to do. Have I built my life out of a lie. I'm not sure who I am and I don't know what to do...besides wait for a decision to separate. I hope the kids will understand one day...

[stevn93]

Ghosted

So one of the people I'm subscribed to on YT posted that their best friend ghosted and told them their entire friendship was fake. It made me rather sad as I don't think there's much anything as damaging as caring so much for someone only to find they don't care. I wish I had soothing words for them but I don't. I watched my best friend change, they went from a fun, funny, and adventurous real world person to to something else. They spin this big tale of how they built themselves from nothing and poverty to the American dream. Land lord with multiple properties and selling real-estate in Naples. But I know the truth of how they actually got there, I keep it to myself including our own past. We were on and off for 2 years, but both being from religious homes had to keep our relationship secret from all. I still sent a private message for their birthday every year. Last year they dropped a blanket thanks 3 days after and this year I got nothing back...I understand the pain of caring too much for someone you don't matter to. This is why people don't have friends, you have to open up and be vulnerable and after a few times we decide it's not worth the hurt and scars. I really only have 2 maybe 3 friends now and none of them know the real me and likely never will. Somewhere in a repressed memory of someone I'm there with a smile... I'm sorry for everyone that has cared and been abandoned, but we can be there for each other. Some of us do care.

[stevn93]

Hot Take #1

so I was listening to one of my favorite streamers yesterday while doing some electrical work and someone in the chat didn't use their pronouns. So they were like hey my pronouns are they/them and the mods will be watching and you will get timed out a time or two and then I'll have you banned. I guess them or someone else said "it's hard" and they just jumped in like no it's not it just means you don't genuinely want to. Now this struck me in all the wrong ways. IDK where to start... As Furries we should be tolerant and also understanding, we all come from different places and backgrounds. They are in the UK but have followers from abroad I myself being in the NE USA. I grew up in urban and extra urban areas where religion thrived, and unfortunately the town I'm from has a poor reputation (another story for another day) and this being said the first person and interaction with someone Non-binary was them. I am 30 and didn't even know what it was (growing up in religion does that to you) and I made the same mistake. I want to do better but made the error about a week ago when I wrote a comment like a line from the Stanley parable and wrote he. They read the comment and said they and I felt a @$$. But I have 30 years to overcome. It's NOT easy. I would make the challenge to quit any habit you have. If you smoke quit, it's easy. If you vape, quit its easy. Never changed your own oil, rebuild an engine it's easy. Something that's easy for one person may not be for another and to say it is just because it is for you is unfair. If you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree it will spend its life believing it's an idiot. It just bothers me how inconsiderate people can be, we are part of the LGBTQ+ community and demand fair treatment and equal rights and protection yet we behave like this?? If this is how we are, are we any better?? I'm trying to improve my pronouns use and when it only occurs in one space it is difficult. Please be patient and work with people, help people understand you and your feelings. Let's come together and work together for a better tomorrow for ALL. Sorry I just had to get this out of my head and there may be more to come.