still---life - Tumblr blog

[still---life]

Uh, no one's on Tumblr anymore? Perfect!!!

Having been a victim of endless stimulation and bottomless scrolling for years, I finally think I need a safe space to have a one way communication that visually looks more presentable than my scribbled emotional release journal entries, lol.

Please expect more snaps with narrative companion about whatever shit is going on with my life-or anything else I want to recount. All that's left of my pre-covid travel stories remains in my head and they're turning into fragments cuz I don't want to share too much details on IG/Twitter sooo here I am.

Let's start with a visual representation of how I, the owner of this blog, look like now (tbh I just want an excuse to post these pics of me HEHE). As for what's on my mind.. hmm. I'm really concerned about my excessive hair shedding - it's been almost a month? The event I suspect to be the source of my stress has ended and my hair fall at one point last week receded, but this evening during shower my heart shattered as there was SO MUCH hair strand on the floor. I don't even have that much hair left on my head 😭😭

My guess? I only slept 4 hours last night so that might be a cause. So far I deduct these 3 variables that trigger my hair fall: too much sugar (sweet beverages/white rice), stress, lack of sleep.

I plan to have at least 7 hours of rest but it's 23.34 already and I haven't meditated, done my Genshin daily commision, continued off of yesterday's unfinished task.... God, will I ever learn?

[still---life]

Curious little guys that live rent-free in my garden.

It appears that few months ago there was a mating spree among my neighborhood cats 😅 and this running season my house still holds true as a popular choice!

In the past my garage was of service for several kitten deliveries (no consent given). Still, these ones also caused ruckus among us family members when they were first found.

The family of 4 was in the first week, then they suddenly moved out somewhere and yin yang twins took over their spot. These ones are more cautious so I'm still keeping my distance around them. At one point Yang even growled at me after I held eye contact for too long!!

But just you see, once they get used to my presence, I'll fill the rows of my camera roll with their close ups as a reward of my persistence 😽✌️

[still---life]

Last month, I was reading on a weekend; and as I always do, I highlighted points that caught my interest. Then it happened that I made a straight line with crooked end.

Everything was fine up to that point. The book was in perfect condition until I made the mistake.

My past self would have grabbed an eraser and redo it in an instant, but at that time I was in the practice of creating a new pathway. So I just acknowledged the urge to fix it and went on with my reading. I courageously took a new pathway instead of the one I'm used to!

I was on page 72 when I realized nothing I read made sense, my mind was still fixated on that crooked line on page 52. So I went back and almost put my eraser to use but after it got to me that erasing the line would only stain the paper, I abandoned the idea and called it a day.

Now that I think of it, to draw only straight line on a glue bound book is not quite possible. It might even be a super power to have. Such trivial matter shouldn't interfere with the experience of enjoying a good book.

But, even now I still want to redo the line every time its sight comes to my mind.

Maybe this... peculiar obsession towards order and control won't really leave. I've gotten used to its presence, though. In fact, tonight I'm picking off where I left; and when the uncomfortable feeling creeps up, I'll sit with it with the intention to understand better, and will continue to do so until comes the time when the premise of irregularity as a threat is not significant to me anymore.

[still---life]

An obscure song shuffled its way to my playlist and brought along the memory of a specific morning one year prior.

Thanks to the proximity of my bed and the window (which was conveniently located just right above the pillow), I found myself unable to go back to sleep after being nudged repeatedly by the morning hustle outside. It wasn’t even past 7 AM, yet the sunlight glared and the birds sounded like all the worm in the world had been eaten.

I’m never a morning person much less on vacation, but considering that it was my last day at The Yard, I decided to hop on a bike and acquaint myself to wider parts of Soi Ari.

I had all the time to myself, taking it all in and contemplate deeper with each pedaling. Each destination in my extensive to-go list was unsurprisingly closed, but I still moved along nonetheless. I guess this time I’ve learnt that no matter how meticulously arranged my plan is, surrender and change are always part of the deal as the only certainty I can control is myself — something I had to recite over and over again throughout this trip.

Several WhatsApp exchanges with my roommate noting that she was ready for breakfast. I had enough fun and sweating, so I began to head back. By this time, the abundance of one way road in this part of town was starting to get on my nerves after I lost my way running into private residence with dead end.

Over the appealing breakfast, I head a familiar tune. Turned out the guy at the hostel bar listens to Lamp as well! (”yes, Japanese band, this is Spotiwy playlist”, he explained). The language barrier didn’t reduce my excitement any bit and I proudly boasted about my knowledge in Thai music which was cut short in disbelief, as I learned that Room39 had split up just a month ago. Trying to convey my surprise and disappointment through facial expression, I then went back to my table and continued the conversation where I had left…

Because the only certainty I can control is myself, right?

[still---life]

During my last hike along the course of Candi Gedong Songo few years ago, I was seated comfortably on the back of a horse.

Now that I had to use my own feet for grip against slippery stone, I had plenty of time throughout the hike to really reassess my agreement to carry on the trek –  ignoring the drizzle, that thankfully dissipated the Christmas holiday crowd.

Despite the fact that I was gasping for air most of the time, the view was nothing less than breathtaking it put my restless mind at ease (not the case for my calf muscle, sadly).

[still---life]

“If I’m older, why are you so much wiser?”

“Because I’m 26. All I have is time to think about stuff.”

-

Each morning I’m off to work huffing, striding, pace parallels to the moving train – refusing to be caught late. A few possible acid reflux and stolen naps after, evening comes only to propose thousands of ways to keep whatever remains of me awake. Torn between the so called productivity and rest, It’s not hard to find myself on a constant limbo.

The day was long, but years gone by in a blink of an eye and suddenly I’m a quarter century old soon-to-be. One year, two years dedicating myself as a part of workforces and though I hate to admit, I’ve successfully become a dull adult.

There was no room for inefficient move; read faster, think harder, try better. It’s as if I’ve forgotten how to live and just be – I’m free yet confined, bordered by my own thoughts. The weight of reality permeates into me, where did that hopeful soul go?

Took me a blow in the head (figuratively, of course) to take it all in. That I’ve shifted direction, and not for the better. I was one lucky fella that all the timing aligned, the universe laid out what has been preserved for me simultaneously, and for that I am truly grateful.

After the much-needed epiphany, I’m still in an ongoing attempt to undo and redo myself. Adhering to the plan used to be a near impossible task for me. As for now, we’ll see…

[still---life]

How do I explain this without recollecting past wounds, I wonder...

Long story short, when I was 15, aside from immersing myself in internet (particularly Tumblr) humor, the safe haven of K-pop was one of coping strategies that kept myself afloat. Being a fangirl of both SNSD and Super Junior, I came across videos of IU performing acoustic cover of Gee and Sorry Sorry. I was heavily into K-Indie at that time as well, so her voice and music instantly caught my attention.

Ever since her immense popularity in 2010 there wasn't a year in my life without her hit as my background music: early mornings in the school van with my iPod just synced with Good Day music video, ready to be watched and shared, earphones blasting You & I to distract myself from unwanted thoughts, Humming to Peach during a lovely walk, all the way to my final year of university — where Palette was always on repeat.

My fondest memory was being heavily into Last Fantasy and Peach (mini) album because it matched my mori girl / zakka life aspiration at the time. I like those and Modern Times concept the most (how well-thought the whole themes were still awes me to this time). Growing into adult phase, I really formed and kept a bubble of certain illusion around me; I had to, because in reality life was dull and painful.

It's been nearly ten years since I first rooted for the girl with acoustic guitar and never in life have I foreseen how my last December 29 this century would be.

Was blown away at how such small figure with soft voice could withstand hours of singing and dancing. But rather than seeing her live, I think a part of me came and wished to live the experience of listening and feeling like a 15 year old once again — only this time, with a healed soul.

I really thought I'd pour out tears right at the venue but I managed to hold it in. Especially during her older songs, there was such a rush as if all my memories came back. If I did cry, I think it would be a happy tears for my present self. In my head, a reminiscence of how I've thrived, composed and captured between music and lyrics.

Also me and the people on the photo were all strangers until the concert day! I can't remember the last time I had fun bonding with strangers over shared interest. I can't really complain anything since I got to enjoy all of this from the front (!) seat, but in my opinion IU looked exhausted on the 2nd day of the concert. Hoping to see her in better condition this year 💜

[still---life]

After bonding over cute trinkets and Yen Ta Fo the night before, Georgia and I cycled around the neighborhood for some pastry treats and an escape from midday heat.

[still---life]

In retrospect, pulling large luggages under 37°C heat along the uneven pavements of Ari wasn’t the brightest idea when you were alone and hangry with only a little sleep the night before.

My first time at Don Mueang airport and taking the airport bus proved to be the cheapest and most convenient way to reach the city for the 40 Baht it costed. The A2 bus I boarded was clean, air conditioned (thank God), and there were few people on board so I could use some extra space for my suitcase. The only downside was how there weren’t any luggage storage so if by stroke of luck you (a tourist with several bags) hop in during rush hour, you’re in for a guaranteed bad time.

I was ready to take a nap when the girl behind me poked my shoulder, noting that my stop is next. Shocking that it took only 45 minutes to my destination, traffic jam included. My memory is vague on how I climbed the BTS station stairs to cross the road, but one thing I’m certain: it was not pleasant. People were staring and I remember it felt like my soul melted along with every drop of sweat, no kidding, but I finally made it to the hostel alive.

Yoga class started at five, thus with two hours to spend I decided to roam around the area but not before my first meal for the day. The Crack Cafe, located 10 footsteps away from my hostel bar, is small but far from bland. I remember one of the girls running the place told me she wanted to go to Indonesia for those #cafehoppingbdo posts one day 😂 another adorable point for their take away cup that came with hand-picked dried flower!

Anyway, my comprehension of the neighborhood route was zero and I kinda forgot that drivers don’t honk in Thailand, so it was a suspenseful bicycle ride. I ran into an alley with brightly-painted building midway my navigation struggle, and ended up pedaling in hurry for the class after what supposed to be a brief stop. Truly the kind of warm up I needed, because when I arrived they already went on with the Yoga session.

I placed the purple mat that had seen better days and followed the teacher. With my head barely touching the floor, I closed my eyes to feel more and it dawned on me:

I am here.

[still---life]

S. Korea / day 2 / part 1 - 

During a chill Sunday morning stroll around the neighborhood, we had an incidental discovery of Gyeongui Line Book Street. Built around a now-defunct old Gyeongui Line track, the park consists of concrete train-shaped book booths, each assigned with different literary theme.

As we walked along, my eyes wouldn’t gaze anywhere but above, studying the dreamy attributes of cherry blossom that shaded every lines and curves in beautiful tint of pink. The sight before my eyes had always been limited to phone screen display, but thankfully, not on that day.

to remember: kind tourist information staffs, the combo torture of cold, hunger and full bladder, compliments by a random oppa, change of plan from watching indie concert to cherry blossom canopy hunting.

[still---life]

S. Korea / day 1 / part 3 - Stylenanda Pink Hotel & Pink Pool Café have been sitting on my list prior to my visit to Seoul. While I had some shopping to do here, I was curious on how the building looks like in real life, considering the amount of emerging café and store interior that are “”inspired”” by its concept.

Since it was Saturday, the store was packed, especially on the first and second floor where 3CE products were. On upper floors, aside from Stylenanda shopkeepers and occasional photo-taking girls, it was quiet compared to the chaos that happened below.

The plan was to spend time at Pink Pool Café that afternoon, but considering the price of the menu and my economical ass, we decided not to order anything and hopped straight to the rooftop where we took staged chill by the pool pictures, while thinking about how one drink there could buy us two servings of Jjajangmyeon 😋. We quenched the thirst afterwards at a café in the corner of Myeongdong until evening came by.

to remember: getting lost at the alley of Myeongdong with non-working Naver Map, extra sugar on my hot caffè mocha, people stealing glances on my A3 Excel printouts, heavy shopping bags that trained my finger muscles, getting lost at the same alley with non working Naver Map again, warm and spicy 9.30 pm tteokboki served by friendly uncle at Myeongdong Station.

[still---life]

I turned 23 last month! uneventful day with wishes from people that matter, followed by birthday lunch weeks after. time spent with these lovelies, always a delightful one.

to remember: accompanying their search of my birthday present at IKEA, watching The Incredibles 2, too tired for late sleepover talk but we did it ‘til dawn came anyway, how delightful my gnocchi and green tea crepe cake were that day, flowy skirt I’ve never worn since 2012.

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S. Korea / day 1 / part 2 - After series of frantic rounds inside Hongik Univ. subway station for almost 15 minutes because the exit gate wouldn’t read my AREX ticket, I hopped out in relief! ...only to realize that I underestimated the weather.

It was my first Spring, around 14°C which was just a few degrees nicely below my preferred air conditioner temperature. But the wind, my lord. The wind. Gripping my thin outerwear close I silently cursed 🙂 every time the wind blew (which was like, once every 2 minutes). It got worse at night so as quick as the second day we gave up and bought a new coat hahaha.

After a brief shower and unpacking, we walked around Hongdae neighbourhood. Just as we were looking for place to dine at, we saw a commotion. Apparently an idol group was scheduled to perform there. Unfortunately I don’t follow K-pop as religiously as I was in high school so I told my mum to continue walking and eat at a Dak Galbi place nearby as we were starving.

After around 15 minutes in, I heard girls screaming. Most of the restaurant patrons turned heads to see what it was all about. I rushed outside to take a brief look.

People were all over the street, some with professional camera, folding chair and stairs(!!!). On the back of the crowd was passerby like me who had no idea who those boys were, so everyone was asking “ 누구?” “누구예요 ??” Showcasing my advanced Korean, I abruptly threw away 몰라요 to anyone asking.

Anyway, one of a friend pointed out afterwards that it was UNB, a boyband consists of several Produce 101 trainees. I finished snapping pictures then went to continue the lunch and warm myself up. When we finished eating, the event was over. Near the spot there was just a girl busking with a few spectactors.

Bought warm coffee from nearby 7/11 on our way to the subway station, we headed to Myeongdong.

[still---life]

S. Korea / day 1 / part 1 - The sleep during my red eye flight was probably the longest I had during the week. Just hours before, I was rushing to finish all my work, hoping to make it to the airport in time (by the grace of God I arrived just an hour before boarding time).

When I finally entered Incheon Airport I couldn’t exactly process what was going on, there was too much emotion presenting itself. More, during my whole time in Korea I constantly felt like my physical body was currently sleeping soundly at my room back in Jakarta, and this sight before me could disappear anytime after my alarm rang.

To be honest the whole situation up to my departure in early April was a mess; people opposing my plan to travel, staying-behind-til-9-PM-level of crazy workload, disturbed sleep, anxious wait for the visa, saving up, unable to focus at everything I do because I had so much things to take care of with no one’s help. In the end I decided to ignore my raging perfectionist mind and gave up about detailed itinerary of my dream trip altogether. Something I never did before and never will again 😢.

Now that I’ve complained enough, I’m going to recount all the good that I received, starting from how this unexpected journey happens. Tracing back to one evening in December 2017 during my cramped train ride back home, a mail arrived in my Spam box. It was from the committee of Pyeongchang Olympics promotional event that stated that I was one of their two grand prize winners. The prize? Round trip ticket to South Korea for two people.

[still---life]

Saturday with the sun at its highest point. We were winding down from the crowd of photo-taking enthusiasts at Life is the Heart of the Rainbow exhibition.

I hadn’t have breakfast yet, also my flat white was getting watery from all the melting ice cubes. Our ocassional small talk, in-between page turning sound from two of the same magazines—blended with coffee shop chattering before the vast Jakarta skyline.

Such ambience caught me in an afterthought: that despite I always have to put extra effort in understanding modern art as its highly subjective, but seeing another artist’s battle with mental illness transformed into a prized and beautiful art makes me believe that someday mine can, too.

[still---life]

On a particularly lucky day, you found yourself walking up the hills of Samcheong-dong instead of gazing at the skyline from your office building window.

Each corner at the narrow alley curved a smile as they witnessed your dream came true.