stillcrazyin2023

[stillcrazyin2023]

we thought all butch lesbians were dean-coded, but really, all along, Dean was butch lesbian-coded

[stillcrazyin2023]

supernatural was only good because I was queer ~ a timeline

2013 me:

*watches supernatural, seasons 1 and 2 at a friend’s house for the very first time*

*tries not to let friends see me blushing

*it finally happened, a boy I’m genuinely attracted to, I guess I won’t die alone, maybe?*

2015 me:

*huddled in a blanket burrito at 3 am, 20 episodes into a day-long binge, fully steeped in every available spn soundtrack on YouTube, probably wearing a flannel under my blanket, crying over young dean’s ~trauma~*

*i just feel so much sympathy for this character*

*I relate so much to this fucking fictional character* *why do I relate so much to this broken goddamn character?*

***

*spends entire summer obsessing over this absolute wreck of a show*

*searches angsty spn fan art on Pinterest*

later 2015 me:

*walks around my college campus in hiking boots and a flannel-hoody-canvas jacket combo with a scowl on my face and rock music blaring in my ears*

*I just think he’s a good older sibling and I just want to emulate him so I can be a better older sibling to my younger sisters*

*searches dean-inspired outfits on Pinterest*

*learns about “coding” and “kinning”*

*chuckles to no one in particular, I’m so Dean-coded*

*stumbles upon the hillywood show*

*stumbles*

***

2016 me

*continues to obsess daily over Dean posts on Pinterest*

*I wish I could cut my hair*

*doesn’t*

2017 me

*still wearing five layers of flannel and a hoody at 3am*

*searches adult tomboy on pinterest*

*searches not boy not girl gender on pinterest*

*learns about non-binary gender identity*

*panics about not feeling real*

*what person would ever be attracted to a person who’s not a person?* (obviously a naive and uninformed take on my part, but my immediate reaction nevertheless)

*hides hair under a hoody and goes to strike best “blue steel” in the mirror at 3 am*

*feels giddy*

*takes selfie*

*good thing that’s out of my system*

2018 me

*tries dating a guy friend*

*breaks up after a week*

*friendship goes up in flames*

*starts watching lesbian bloggers for relationship advice*

2019 me

*regularly researches gender and sexuality terms and flags to remain informed as an ally*

*reads about comphet master doc on Reddit to better understand why I felt pressured as a straight woman to date my male friend*

*nods along, yes, i understand, even straight women experience comphet*

*unironically reads the first 5 chapters of Stone Butch Blues in order to better understand the lesbian identity and history*

*as an ally*

*a really good ally*

*hypothetically imagines self as Jess*

*for educational purposes*

*and like, allyship*

*cries*

*wants to cut hair*

*doesn’t*

2020 me

*if only I knew how long we would be out of the office, then I could try cutting my hair and have time to grow it back before returning to the office*

*rewatches seasons 1-6*

*watches lesbian couples vlogs “because they’re entertaining and I’m an ally, and I just really appreciate their healthy relationship”*

*downloads tiktok*

*entrenches self in queer tiktok*

*ally*

*watches tiktok claiming all lesbians are Dean-coded*

*pauses*

*scrolls*

*does not cut hair*

2021 me

*I’ve been out of the office long enough. I think I can finally cut my hair*

*feels at home in body*

*that’s neat*

***

*I need to be sure about this before I comes out*

*revisits Stone Butch Blues to make sure I’m sure*

2022 me

*hears about trash spn ending*

*hmm, i wonder why I liked such an objectively trash show in the first place*

also 2022 me: *is a raging masculine-of-center non-binary genderqueer butch lesbian*

Dean Winchester: *is subtextually (canonically) an angry, repressed, oblivious bi person, whose every inexplicably cringe action as a straight man makes 5000% more sense for someone struggling to reconcile queer masculinity without a blueprint*