stilldrinking

[stilldrinking]

May 24, 2025

I guess every relationship has its problems. I can’t even type rn I’m too drunk ttyl

[stilldrinking]

May 7, 2025

It’s been a while since I’ve been on here, although I’ve thought about coming back for years. Seeing my first & only post definitely brought up some memories that are much easier to brush off these days.

So much has happened since then. Almost 6 years ago now. 2 terrible boyfriends, so many meaningless hookups, failed friendships & situationships, addiction, loss, so much loss, a global pandemic, moving states twice. Where do I even begin?

I miss my best friend. I’ll embarrassingly admit I sent her a loving dm drunkenly a while ago & quickly deleted it the next morning. I wonder if she saw it. I truly miss her & our times together. She was the best girl friend I’ve ever had outside of my family. If things hadn’t gone down the way they did, if we were both better friends, she would probably be my maid of honor one day. I want her to know I miss her & I will always love her & I hope wherever she is, whatever she’s doing, she’s happy. She is a beautiful girl in every way. I still think about her on her birthday. I wish I was a better friend & I wish we were still friends.

The boy I lost my virginity to came back into my life early 2020 before Covid. What a mistake that was. It was all so fast. I basically lived with him & we had nothing to do besides hang out, drink, do drugs, have sex. We talked about moving out of California. His crazy ex though, man. It’s not that she ruined everything. She probably didn’t ruin anything that wasn’t meant to be. Me & him were not meant to be. I don’t know what it’s always been about him that just does it for me. It wasn’t the whole “losing our virginity” to each other thing either, I liked him so much before then. When I had him again, we would talk about the future: kids, building a village on a plot of land, etc. & I would picture it, but I knew it wasn’t it for me. It might be so shallow to say, but I think it was his height. Im 5’2 on a good day & he was maybe 2 inches taller. & so skinny. Although I knew I didn’t really want him in the long run, our breakup fucked me up for a really long time. Months. I think I just really liked the way he made me feel, & the fun we had together. We didn’t have jobs bc of the pandemic, but we had money from the government & we got to run around like teenagers in love in the summertime. It was a really nice fling & if his crazy ex hadn’t harassed me for years after we broke up, I might have fond memories of him. Instead I think about it as one of the worst times for everything they put me through mentally.

I was looking for love & attention in the wrong people for so long. After my breakup in 2019, i regrettably slept with so many boys that didn’t deserve my time or my body. Since I’m in a relationship now, when I think back to my past, I get so embarrassed & I feel shame. But I know that’s wrong, I shouldn’t slut shame myself. & you know what, my past makes me who I am. Everything I’ve done has lead me to the perfect place I am now. For that, I am not ashamed or embarrassed.

It did lead me to spiral so much that I got kicked out of my dad’s house. I stayed on family members couches until my old nanny family offered me a room in their house in Portland. Pandemic closed the girls schools & they had to have class on iPads at home. The parents were still working, so they needed me to help the girls during class, make breakfasts & lunches, get them dressed, all that kind of stuff. That family is great & I am so appreciative for them taking me in. I’m sure they see it as hiring me for help, but it truly meant a lot to me during that time. It was a hard year, I do remember. But now 4 years from then, I look back & I really only remember the good things. I gained more family from them.

2022 was the worst year. My poor father had a stroke & it turned everyone’s life upside down. My little sister moved away. I spiraled. Got another dui, nearly lost my car, went to rehab, left rehab, was told I couldn’t come back home so I stayed on my aunts couch. My dad got evicted, I had to rehome my dog. Spiraled more. I was convinced I was gonna start a new life in New Orleans but only made it to Las Vegas to my best friends house. I stayed for 3 weeks before I had to return home for my community service for my 2nd DUI. Got another dui in LA. Stayed with my sister. Started work again at the elementary school. Slept in my car, charged my phone & laptop at the gym after work. Went to my sisters on the weekend. I was so lost and hopeless. I was longing to go home but I didn’t have a home. I hadn’t had one in years. Got another DUI & this time my car was done for. I wanted to die. How could I have messed up this bad. I ruined my life. It’s still ruined. But what’s done is done. I stayed with my sister. I turned my life around. Kind of.

I got 2 jobs on the same day. Coffee shop in the morning, retail in the afternoon. I’ve never made so much money. But I was tired. 16 hour days. Always on my feet. They always hurt. But I had to save. I had to get a car & move in finally with my best friend in another state. He had made the move in August 2023. By May 2024 I had saved up enough money & for a car & my journey began. Stopping in Northern California to see my dad, step mom & little sister. Then to southern Oregon to see my sister. Then to Portland. To my new home.

We partied. He had just been laid off from his job & I just arrived so we partied. Every day. So many shrooms. Always drinking. & then I was running out of money so I started looking for a job. It’s hard finding work as a felon. But I did eventually. Not great money but it was routine & I got to talk to people.

I guess it was kind of inevitable, with having a boy best friend & all the partying… I told him “just don’t fall in love with me.” He said he wouldn’t. Recently he told me that he did after the first time we had sex. I didn’t let myself fall in love with him because I wanted to keep him as a friend more than anything. I didn’t want things to change between us, & at this point, I had kind of given up on men/being in a relationship. But things did change after we had sex. A lot. We did fall in love with each other. He got me roses & asked me to be his girlfriend. No ones ever done that before. Life feels safe with him. He goes to work, pays for everything (since my transmission went out & I had to quit my job), & in return I make him breakfast, lunch & dinner, & do all the household chores.

We have a wonderful life together. We go on adventures, we have 3 beautiful kitties, we talk about having kids all the time. This time when we talk about the future, kids, our house, I can actually picture him there. I think this is it. I finally feel appreciated & loved in a relationship. We’ve been friends since 2012, I just wish we had seen it sooner. I wonder how much different our lives could have been. Whatever though, at least we see it now. He showers me with love every day. He works hard, so that I don’t have to. I want to give him the world. I want to give him babies. I want to give him everything he deserves. I’m so fortunate to have him now. I hope this is how we always feel about each other. We may have little fights about stupid things, but i don’t have to worry about him cheating on me, leaving, finding someone better. He makes my life easy. I feel safe & secure.

I no longer yearn for a home in a house that isn’t mine anymore.

[stilldrinking]

Thursday June 27, 2019 This is my breakup story (pt1)

Since my breakup in February, I’ve learned to love being alone. This isn’t something I have ever been able to do before. I’ve always relied on others to make me happy as I was never able to do that for myself; by myself. It was so hard at first to not text him. I would long for his name to pop up on my phone, meaning he was thinking of me too.

But I didn’t miss him. The last thing I wanted to do was to waste any more of my time in a relationship we both secretly knew was going nowhere. Although I love(d) him and he love(d) me, that was it. There was never going to be a proposal, no wedding, no kids. Just this. I was stuck in THIS for the rest of my life. I had no desire to leave because I was scared to be alone. I didn’t know alone. I knew him & me. I was scared of the loneliness that would accompany a breakup because I had no other friends besides him. 

I had always made him a priority over my friends, and we drifted. Saturdays were our days to spend together. I lied to my boss about my availability so that we were able to spend all Saturdays together. But slowly I began to dread Saturdays with him. We never did anything. He was too much of a homebody to want to do anything with me anymore. Then I got my puppy. I would wish to stay home on Saturday to play with my new baby opposed to spend time sitting on his bed while he played video games all day. I couldn’t though, I didn’t want him to think anything was different. I don’t think I was quite ready for a breakup at that point, although I knew it was coming.

In the beginning of 2018, he had admitted that he wanted to hook up with other girls. This killed me. Why wasn’t I enough? I have never been enough for anyone in my life I feel. I have good relationships that make me feel valid and whole, but the ones that don’t leave the most impact. Especially from my boyfriend. He had basically admitted to me that he wanted other girls, still loved me, but wanted to fuck other girls. He knew he hurt me, he was just being honest with me. I respected what he said, but I wasn’t going to let it happen on account of him wanting to be the only one in an open relationship. He didn’t want me fucking other guys. He wouldn’t want me after other guys had me. Our agreement was to keep things normal & I would look past it.

I did for a while too. I did really good. But I again, would remember. Especially during sex. I would think about him with other girls. Which girl in his class was he fantasizing about while he fucked me? Who were the girls? Why wasn’t it just me? I almost cried the first few times after his confession. I got passed it. 

I don’t remember when, but I came to the realization that we were over. I knew that at that time if we had broken up I wouldn’t have been able to emotionally or mentally handle myself & I was scared. I used the time between them & February 2nd, 2019 (our breakup date) to detach myself from him so that when the time came I would be able to be okay. I accepted my fate of staying in on Saturdays and doing the same boring shit we always did. Sex became less passionate. I no longer longed to see him, nor spend time with him, although I pushed myself to so that things could stay “normal.” This really helped me when the time came, honestly. 

The way the day started was a usual Saturday. I got up early, showered, shaved (because he always gave me shit if I didn’t) almost started my makeup. But I texted him asking what he wanted to do today to which he replied “What do you?” I knew this wasn’t a real question. He didn’t want to do anything. He wanted to stay home, maybe go out for an hour, but then come back home. I replied back about how I hated being the one to always plan things for us, and how he never wanted to do anything anymore. He was boring. I don’t remember exactly what he replied to me, but it was along the lines of “I think we should end this.” So i replied back & told him I think we needed to talk today, but in person. If it was going to end, it should be in person; it had been 4.5 years after all.

I drove to his house, I wasn’t crying. I didn’t think it was going to end honestly. I thought it would end up how it usually did: me begging to keep going, me making all the compromises. But when I walked in his room, I just laid down next to him. We didn’t say anything for a minute, but I think he asked how I was feeling because I told him “I’m sad.” Then the tears came because in that moment I knew I was done fighting for us. I was tired of being the one to make the compromises & the one to be putting in the effort; I felt like I was the one doing everything but the energy was never reciprocated to me, although I knew he did have love for me. I loved him too, I will always have love for him -- my first serious boyfriend who had been there since I was 16; I was going to be 21 on the 19th.

So we laid there holding each other. It was a really nice breakup. We both knew that this was it this time & we were slowly accepting it in each others arms and presence. He was the only one I wanted to comfort me because he was the only one comforting me for the past 4.5 years. It was good knowing there was no hard feelings, no messy breakup, still love & respect. We had just grown apart. There were too many differences between us now, we weren’t teenagers anymore. We were new people who needed to live new lives, separately. As sad as it was, we let our best friends go that day.

That’s why the days following the breakup were so hard. I didn’t want to be alone, I texted my cousin to see her. I went to see her at her job & we hung out for a while. She never brought up the breakup. It would’ve been fine if she had, I was out of tears. I appreciated her for letting me come chill even if she was at work. She’s always there for me.

When I finally got home I walked into my room & told my little sister we broke up. She didn’t believe me at first but she saw my puffy eyes, and I even managed to cry a bit to confirm it had really happened. But at this point, I felt okay.

February 2nd is my brother-in-law’s birthday. My sister and I had plans to go out to dinner with him and my other sister that evening. I wasn’t feeling good, nor did I have an appetite but I did anyways. We went out to Chinese food in Walnut Creek, and got boba at my favorite spot after. I didn’t eat much, and my older sister commented. I tried to tell her I just didn’t have an appetite. She believed me and let me be. It was a good time, I even managed to laugh, but that wasn’t hard. I love my family & they’re always able to cheer me up. I didn’t mention it because it was his birthday I didn’t want any attention on me, & since it was the same day, I wanted to be able to tell people without crying which I knew I wouldn’t be able to do if I had that day.

Finally back home. I jokingly asked my sister if I should make a Tindr. We both did. Honestly as jokes! We were cracking up at the guys in our messages & laughing at all the people who were ugly. I started to get serious about it though because some of the guys were cute. They were giving me attention too -- something I hadn’t had in MONTHS. I agreed to meet this one guy the next day.