stolensong - Tumblr blog

[stolensong]

Artist: Angelina Zhogina

[stolensong]

i don't remember it but i think it's real this time. i don't know who or how or why but it feels real because i see how i am and that's worse than ignoring it and thinking it's fake because it's worse if it's real

[stolensong]

learned helplessness i think. taught. both. i'm not supposed to do much i'm suplosed to be told what to do. it was easier to shower when someone told me to. everything is easy when i'm told to

[stolensong]

there is still time. i HAVE to believe that. i can fix this. i can fix it all. i can. i just need to actually fucking do it which is hard when i struggle bad enough with forcing myself to shower

[stolensong]

enters nuclear level panic from not being able to fond a sharp object. i gotta. hashtag normal!

[stolensong]

WELL HERE IS A FIRST. SOMEHOW. i picked at what i thoight was a forming. idk scab. from tonight's Session. no it was my own skin. so naturally i cut it off. just a lil flap that was already hanging on by a thread.. teen me would be sooooo jealous. like oops i did on accident what you tried on purpose! hehe i only got back into this hobby recently ooooooopsyyyyyy

[stolensong]

i want to be normal i really do but 17. one year. groomed yes but who among us hasn't been but married at 17 and acting like it's the samw inwant to kill myself so bad

[stolensong]

but i won't call off tomorrow! today at this point. 6 and a half hours at this point. i'll work like a good employee. my boss can call off for a a panic attack but that's so bad. worse than "pstd" thoughts or nightmares, or relapses. what if i did say something tho lol.

[stolensong]

i get it. how we used to fill a fat thigh with cuts. i get it. i want to

[stolensong]

gonna abuse these substances like it's the 2000s and the substance is me and i'm any number of fine gentlemen

[stolensong]

me: hello self why are my earbuds suddenly unbearable

random part suddenly yelling: I DON'T WANT IT INSIDE ME

me: awesome good feedback thanks

[stolensong]

sometimes others wish we were taken away, but it would be worse. it's bad now. it's all breaking down too soon. it would have broken down sooner before we knew anything or learned even a stupid reason to want to live. it's breaking because it never finished and that's good, and we learned to find an excuse to not die. it isn't that we want to but there's enough work involved that we can work around what we have to do. in the time between needing to do it and needing to make it look normal we can stop. if we were taken away we wouldn't have these same people and i don't want to not have them even though i'm not brave enough to talk to them. it would still be scary. at least i'm scared with people i know how to love

[stolensong]

the end result doesnt matter. its all a part if me. not the larger part. there is x and y and z, but z = 1 and x and y also = 1. it's the same. it doesnt matter. it does, but not as much. every equation equals 1 and 1 = z. x and y and a and b and c and everything = z. it doesnt matter what the equation is. i shouldnt rven be able to do this. i can talk because im a failure and a coward. even though im a failure and a coward it works.

they had to forget how to make any number = z. it hurts. and nobody used it for a good reason. someone found it and thought it could help but it hurts and it was used for stupid reasons so it hurt for stupid reasons and kindle learned to aboid it anyway, and she had to sit there anyways, outside. im not letting anyone else know again. grayfish shouldnt have to work but sometimes its important to get rid of things. we cant save grayfish until z doesnt = 1 anyways. z needs to = z. thats what cole says. and leona needs to = leona but leona has always = sex and force and a clearer purpose than me. im just here. dad wanted us to join the military but that was never a question after everything. they wouldnt let us in even if we asked. we didnt. he wanted us to. i dont think he knows. a few years and you get four corners and even though we were meant as spies we still know enough to act like the people we spied on. she was the best at it because it's easier to fuck someone than hurt them. we wanted to anyways after so much. it came naturally. more naturally than hurting. it isn't fair that she tried to do her job and got punished like this inside and outside l. someone wanted her she made herself available it isnt fair its how its supposed to happen even if it isnt fair but even though she did it she was wrong everywhere. they were supposed to pay first. instead they hated it and she had to leave anyway but it wasn't even worth it. nobody got paid and she acted without permission

[stolensong]

me: heehee i can watch a simple movie

movie: FOXTROT IS IN PURSUIT

brain: which one. complete it. complete it now. complete it. complete it. i'll flip my shit complete foxtrot what bitches LOVE my mustache. foxtrot what.

[stolensong]

protest. It could be that

person who is helping you may be

corrupt— you probably sensed this anyway.

You may need to

remain and play with the

family one against another

holding on to past injustices

The Hanged Man

letting go and

surrendering

let go

when you cannot survive

you are bad

take it

you will be

free sooner than you think

you sacrifice yourself

chance after chance

(03.06.20)

[stolensong]

Turn over and look at it attempting to

fit it in you simply memorizing

the details Now close your eyes, and

see as though set on a blue or white screen

you cannot

open your eyes you can

picture every detail

in your mind.

let the

river in

do not force anything just let

your eyes once more

answer the question. keep a

diary

to monitor your

clues

images, words.

(03.06.20)

[stolensong]

create its story— why and

where

and who he was every time

you have

spread and you have adapted

they do not feel quite right.

you can see patterns regularly on a certain

day you have to

be the same regardless of

an inner change a response to an

unexpected desire or identity.

(03.06.20)