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[stonedalone]

Self sabotage in favor of self depreciation over self preservation

[stonedalone]

967 days later

June 13th - the eve of your 28th birthday.

Dear past me,

I am here now: in the future you wondered about. 4 years with that man who has made you happy, and through every test the two of us stand. We have both seen so much growth, both together and independently. Your little business has become a bigger little business, and you feel as though you’ve achieved some passage or goal. You do get to be creative, but in ways you would have never imagined. Working with your hands, yes, but also by design. There are no bosses and no coworkers, only connections and clients. You’re in the town you so badly wanted to escape, and for that you feel unaccomplished. It’s silly. You know others look at you and feel you have succeeded, but because of your own barriers you feel there is still more to do. All that really matters though, is how you feel doing that job - and it makes you feel damn good. Your home life is the most stable than it’s been in ten years, and the next chapter is beginning to crown. This two bedroom apartment has never felt smaller, but at least it’s full of love. And sometimes strife. You would think when I tell you that you’ve met the love of your life, that I was talking about your man. You love him as much as you’ve ever loved before, but it isn’t him who has all encompassed your heart. It’s your sweet and fluffy dog: Harlow. She is truly the missing piece. No one makes you happier, and no one is happier to see you. It seems silly, but you know that there has never been a truer love. Tomorrow you turn 28. Your late 20s have approached. 10 years since high school graduation and nearly 10 years to 40. How did we get here? Dear future me, maybe you delete this app or maybe you forget, but if you come across this post again please remember one thing: to write. Writing was your known calling, the one thing you were meant to do. So please, just do it.

dear future me

dear future me,

quit caring so much about the past and the people you lost in it. you’re somewhere different now, hopefully somewhere much different than that place you grew up. i hope that you’re still writing and i hope that you still find the time to read and draw. i know that you used to always find nirvana in the thoughtlessness of both. maybe you’re in love, and if so i hope that you’re happy. if not, i hope that you’re happy. i pray that you’ve found friends wherever you are now, and i hope that they treat you well. i hope that you’re in the city. i hope that the buildings are tall and that you’ve begun to confuse the lights for stars. that way, when you find yourself at home, you’ll really be able to see the stars. i hope you have a job and that you’re happy with that job. i hope it allows you to be creative. anyways, i hope that you’ve found a million things to settle all of these hopeful feelings and more than anything, i hope that you are happy.

[stonedalone]

[stonedalone]

[stonedalone]

[stonedalone]

I want my time with You by Tracy Emin

[stonedalone]

[stonedalone]

This man with skin the color of bittersweet cocoa Who’s fingers twist with mine Hands intertwined He is Yin and I am Yang.

My head and his chest, My ear against his heart.

I listen to his breathing like waves crashing against the beach. I listen to his heartbeat like the tune of my favorite song.

I am as enamored by the site of him, as I am in love with the soul inside of him.

But how do we measure love?

Because time takes too long, and I am too impatient to see just how fond the heart grows. I don’t want to count anniversaries, or months, or years.

Let’s count laughs, cries, and kisses. Let’s count the challenges that we rise against. Let’s count how many hours it will be until we see each other again.

Love me to your fullest, and don’t ask me to love you any less.

The heart is most vulnerable isolated behind the walls we build. Let the barriers slide and see where your heart overflows most,

Because my heart overflows most for you, and it is my only wish that yours does the same for me.

[stonedalone]

Still single?

I haven’t been single for close to a year and a half? I also have never been happier.

[stonedalone]

1.5 years and this post found me again! Today is 10/20/18 (my nephews birthday).

Dear Past Me,

Where you were, what you’ve see, what you’ve done, and all of what you went through - you were meant to be there. 25. You used to always think you would have your shit together by 25 because 25 is a damn adult. Maybe you do have your shit together, as uncertain as it all feels. You finally bought that car you wanted and said goodbye to that bug that got you through so many of your former years. You finished school. You found a job that you loved and you met a man there that you have loved even more. You love him more than you’ve ever loved any man and even though that scares you, you feel full. You have your own business! And it doesn’t feel like work! Money is hard because you’ve invested everything, and sometimes you might feel like quitting. But know that in time you will see that return.

You weren’t planning on jumping into being in a relationship, but you knew the minute he introduced himself to you that there would be something. That sparkle in his eye and the grip of his handshake said it all. One month after that day and you were in his bed. Damn near 14 months later and it’s his presence only that you crave. He loves you as much as you love him. It’s healthy. You spend more time missing him when he’s not there than you would like to admit, but you continue to be able to thrive in your independence: I know you would have wanted that.

Business is business. You help other women feel beautiful about themselves and that is the most rewarding feeling. There is no stress about being there or doing the work itself, however the price of living and not having a paycheck continues to test you. You know everything will add up and come together though, and that it will only take patience.

Dear Future Me,

Continue on the path that you are. Don’t take your life lessons in stride, and always remember that sometimes things fall apart so better things can come together. I can’t tell you where you’ll be next time this post finds you, but I do know you’ve been able to find light in the darkest of places. Love yourself, work on yourself, and continue to grow until you find peace. I think you might already have that, but nothing ever stops changing and growing, including you.

Maybe one day you will write more and you will create more, and I hope that those desires find you again. They are in you, so I have no doubt that they will resurface.

Love that man for as long as he is good, and recognize the time to let him go if it comes. In that scenario I hope you find strength, because your heart will shatter. My hope is though, that your love will continue to grow together and that he will continue to teach you about yourself. He is a good man and is worthy of all of the love that overflows from you.

I think that you will find yourself in a good place next time you find these words. I have no doubt now that this was the path you were always meant to take.

dear future me

dear future me,

quit caring so much about the past and the people you lost in it. you’re somewhere different now, hopefully somewhere much different than that place you grew up. i hope that you’re still writing and i hope that you still find the time to read and draw. i know that you used to always find nirvana in the thoughtlessness of both. maybe you’re in love, and if so i hope that you’re happy. if not, i hope that you’re happy. i pray that you’ve found friends wherever you are now, and i hope that they treat you well. i hope that you’re in the city. i hope that the buildings are tall and that you’ve begun to confuse the lights for stars. that way, when you find yourself at home, you’ll really be able to see the stars. i hope you have a job and that you’re happy with that job. i hope it allows you to be creative. anyways, i hope that you’ve found a million things to settle all of these hopeful feelings and more than anything, i hope that you are happy.

[stonedalone]

[stonedalone]

[stonedalone]

[stonedalone]

[stonedalone]

Loving you feels like I’m embracing the very sky. 

[stonedalone]

[stonedalone]