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[stoopidovaries]

JEMMA REDGRAVE: “What’s been really lovely is to build a friendship, and a friendship between two women of a certain age who are both professional women, who have a shared language. That was really easy for Catherine and I, because we have that shared language anyway. They really like each other and support each other and everything comes from that. Anything that happens beyond that is luck, but I think the chemistry is very good.” 

CATHERINE RUSSELL: “Oh, she’s hilarious and we really have so much fun. It is such a delightful place to work, we all get on so well and it’s a joy to have another woman of a certain age on set to play with.”

Jemma and Catherine on their working relationship and developing Bernie and Serena’s friendship. 

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Is funny because is accurate

Person: Hey, are you into podcasts?

Me, reclining on my Casper Mattress, working on my squarespace site, listening to a free audible audiobook, picking at a nature box, wearing a high quality pair of socks and printing postal orders from Stamps Dot Com: ye why do u ask [i begin to shave my legs with a harry’s razor]

[stoopidovaries]

Another one?

So, another month, another miscarriage. You know when you're going along having a month and you're period is just....long and out of control and suddenly 2 days past when it should have ended you realize....oh....yeah....no.......miscarriage. Barely pregnant and it's gone. At this point I should just know and accept but it's still a shock.

[stoopidovaries]

You're FINE. Sometimes it's just not possible to get to the "happy for them" place. It doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes you a human who's been through the thing. The really shitty thing.

My newly married 27 year old co-worker keeps going on about "when she gets pregnant" and all things baby. I just sit there. I truly hope she has no problems -but it doesn't mean I don't feel like shit for an hour after. I allow a pity party now and then. Have a 2nd glass of wine. Cry in the shower. It's ok. You're fine.

It feels like shit to be jealous of people and the families they’ve made, especially when they’ve also been through the dumpster fire of infertility and were lucky enough to beat it.

We spent yesterday with friends of ours and their fucking adorable toddler (guys, seriously? Watching her run amok in their living room, giggling in her saggy jeggings was almost too much. I was ready to steal her and run out the front door). She’s a varsity level science baby, product of IVF with donor eggs and sperm. They’re talking about trying for #2 now and after we left my brain starting cranking out the asshole thoughts: MUST BE NICE, WE’RE STILL TRYING TO FIND #1.

Sometimes I’m filled to the brim with frustration and ugly envy and I can’t access the “happy for them/sad for us” place I try to sit in most of the time. I’m exhausted by everything we’ve been through and right now I dearly wish I could just flip a switch and not care if we ever become parents because I feel like giving up at the moment. We always wanted two kids but who even knows if that will be possible at this point.

[stoopidovaries]

This is one of the best articles about infertility I’ve read in a long, long time. 

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[stoopidovaries]

This statue is about abortion and has religious overtones (neither if which apply to me), but as a woman who has suffered miscarriages this speaks to me on a deep level.

[stoopidovaries]

Mother's Day

AKA "Why don't you just punch me in the gut Day" for women struggling with infertility. I basically ditched Facebook for the day. It was just too much. I'm happy for all these people I know and their smiling chubby babies, but I just can't people. I should have been almost 6 months pregnant at this point. But I'm not. Just when I thought it could be the worst day I ever....I got a sweet card from my 13 year old step daughter saying that I was the best and I get an A+ in step-mothering. I am a puddle of feels now.

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Sigh

I'm a couple weeks out from my miscarriage. Starting to come out of the fog. The hubby and I have been fighting a lot. We both know its just stress and fallout, but it's been really hard. Sometimes I feel like I am normal again and then I go right back into the fog. It's just such a slow process to heal. Not sure where I am in a cycle. Might be ovulating this week. Maybe not. Don't care. Just want to focus on living life. Keeping my relationship together. I think the Europe trip for his 40th birthday is back on. Looking forward to it!!!

[stoopidovaries]

Hope your surgery went well. A good support system and wine are so important. Especially wine. :)

This pregnancy was a fluke for me. I doubt it will happen again. And if I get pregnant again it probably won’t last. I hate being such a downer, but living in a fantasy won’t help either. Just being happy with my man, planning for future events (Europe, etc.) will help me heal. I hope. :)

Take care!

So here’s the issue.

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[stoopidovaries]

You’re not the only one. I’m so glad I saw your post first!

I wish I knew what to say. I’m in the same boat. I had finally started to let myself get excited. Started to buy in. Now I’m just empty and have a tremendous desire to put my fist through a wall.

I cuddle my dog and cry a lot. Drinking a lot of wine. The hubby is coping better. He’s just thankful I’m alive and OK.

Just know that you're not alone. :)

So here’s the issue.

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I've never had a miscarriage before and so far it sucks. This is my 7th full day of bleeding. I thought it was over but woke up to a new round of cramps and bleeding. Still crying randomly. Just feeling empty mostly. I also have a tremendous desire to drop lots of cash on home improvement.

[stoopidovaries]

"Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern. Just the slow erosion of the self, as insidious as any cancer. And, like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience. A room in hell with only your name on the door."

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It always ends badly

So, I have miscarried. On Sunday morning I had some bleeding. Because I am me, I immediately freaked....and fainted. Landed on the bathroom floor and hit the shower doors. Scared the shit out of my husband who promptly called 911. I was rushed to the ER and I checked out fine (eventually). We waited nearly 6 hours for the ultrasound and blood results. My HCG was down to 300. After 2 weeks it should gave been pushing 10,000. The ultrasound showed no gestational sac. So yeah. We were devastated. Sunday and Monday I spotted. Tuesday the cramps and blood started. The pain was so bad I could barely walk. Left work and went home to crawl into bed. Today the cramps were not as bad but I passed a lot of clots and tissue (plus a lot of blood). Had a check up and the doctor thinks I will be ok without a D&C. Bleeding should stop soon. Is it me or does everyone else look at the blood and tissue and wonder which part is their baby?? All day. Every bit. Drove back to work after my doctor's appointment and sat in the parking lot and cried. Texted my boss and told her I want coming back to work. Just couldn't be around people. Came home, fought with the husband and then had a hysterical crying fit. And two glasses of wine. I'd drink more but I'm on call and might have to go to work. I don't know what comes next. I never expected to be pregnant in the first place. Will it happen again? Who knows. Right now I'm going to grieve and rage and cry. Maybe I will have hope again some day.

[stoopidovaries]

SO well said.  Having joined the "secret club" in the last year, I had no idea how hard it was going to be.  Everything about it is painful, debilitating, depressing, and agonizing.  My husband has also been a rock for me, but when even his resolve starts to crumble you can feel the weight of it pressing down on us.  

It seems so simple.  Find your love.  Marry them. Have baby.  Live happy.  When the whole train derails there are no maps for the new course. No well worn paths.  Every couple has a different challenge but we are all the same.

I started my blog to process my thoughts and feelings.  Like you, it's not a cry for sympathy - it just helps.  Finding others helps too.  I had a "fertility buddy" (through my doctor) who I could email.  We will never meet in person, it's just to vent and advise and console.  It has helped. She got pregnant and just gave birth.  I am so happy for her.  

One of the hardest things has been sitting next to other women at the clinic who are pregnant.  I'm getting blood drawn for my cycle and she's getting a pregnancy test.  But I was genuinely happy for her. Like one pregnancy is a victory for us all. I truly felt that.  

Sending you warm thoughts and hugs.  This journey sucks. But you are not alone. I promise. 

I don’t think it’s any real secret that the last two years have been pretty challenging for Shawn and I. We didn’t foresee this road we’re on, but here we are. Stuck in the middle of nowhere with no gas in the tank and no discernible landmarks on the horizon. We’ve picked a direction, and are...

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Update

So, I have made it 2 weeks from BFP day (that would be the day I took my pregnancy test).  I am still cramping on and off.  One day I had such sharp pains I thought for sure it was the end.  Most of the time it's just dull cramps.  Usually more at night.  Sometimes it's just gas. LOL.  My boobs are so sore I will actually tear up if they get hit accidentally.  They are also MASSIVE.  I have grown almost a whole cup size in just 6 weeks. I will need new bras soon.  Overall I feel tired and bloated most of the time.  Not being able to drink and eating slightly better has probably helped me lose some weight in certain areas, but I am filling out all over (according to my husband).  

We are still cautiously optimistic. Had to tell some family members over the holidays - mostly because we are big drinkers.  And when I don't drink people notice.  That's sad for me and super inconvenient when trying to hide that!!!  Doh.

Next doctor's appointment is Monday.  That will be almost 7 weeks (by my count).  I feel like a lot of miscarriages happen around 8 weeks so I am just praying to get through the next month.  Just one more month.