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Quiet Heartbreak

There’s a difference between learning to be at peace with the timing of things and pretending you never cared how long it would take—as long as they stayed near.

You learn to whisper because you were once told your love was too loud.

You try to be less. hoping—just hoping— that if you carry yourself like you need nothing, they’ll finally give you something.

But that is not surrender. That is negotiation in disguise. That is becoming a version of yourself you think they’ll find easier to carry.

And here’s where it gets cruel—they reject you with such gentleness. Such spiritual finesse. They mask the rejection as a pause button.

They’ll say, I love you, but it’s just the timing, or I wish I could give you what you deserve, and they say it with soft eyes and sincerity that makes you blame yourself for even asking for their love.

So you set down your wants. Not just the pace, but the dreams themselves.

You say, I don’t need a relationship. I don’t need the house together, the morning coffee rituals, the devotion, the Key West proposal.

You call this letting go. You call this healing. And maybe, in pieces, it is. But be careful. Because you can start performing peace as a way of staying close.

You start showing off how unattached you are, not because it’s true, but because you hope they’ll look over and find you easier now.

Look at me, you think.

Look how light I’ve become.

Look how little I ask for.

Look how beautiful I am now that I don’t want too much.

But here’s the truth: you still want. And there is no shame in that. There is no shame in saying, I want love that meets me where I am.

Not faster. Not slower. Not someday. But here. Now. In this lifetime.

You do not need to exile your longing to be worthy. You do not need to un-want your dreams to be lovable.

The goal is not to want less. The goal is to want without apology.

To say, This is what I hope for, and know that if someone walks away,it’s not because you were too much—but because they were never meant to meet you in the place you’ve been building.

So yes, release attachment. Yes, stop gripping people with the hope that they’ll save you. Yes, learn to be still.

But do not turn your softness into performance. Do not make peace your bait. And do not let your becoming be another path to being picked.

You are not someone’s maybe.

You are not an almost.

You are not an if only I were less…

You are worthy as is.

Even in your wanting.

Especially in your wanting.

Cleo Ashbee (April 2022)

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~something that I would never send~

I was losing my mind over you for 1 year, trying to convince myself that I’m okay, it will pass, everything is fine, just because I had hopes and I wanted to be loved. Sadly, I know I’m not the prettiest person, and I don’t match a lot of standards that people have, but somehow, I had hope that maybe I’ll be enough… and I just put my heart on a plate and my heart got shattered and the plate was smashed on the ground.

I tried to accept myself for so long, to put my life in order and to finally live in peace, just to end up in therapy, which is not something bad, but I would prefer more if everything worked for one fucking time as I wanted instead of adding more shit into the trauma jar. This is not meant to be as a pick me thing, but idk what was in my head, why the fuck I thought going on dating apps it’s something good and I’ll end up in a good thing from that. You’re a nice person tho and I know no contact will hurt like hell, that’s why im still here. I haven’t said anything about it for months, because I was trying to convince or better said, to lie to myself that nope, it’s all good, when in reality it’s not. when you said at that time, after leading me on, that yeah yk, I’m not ready for something, I kinda saw it coming but I was hoping for one time in my life that I’ll be wrong, and I wasn’t. And now that you’re okay again, I know for sure that still, there’s no chance, it doesn’t matter what I’m doing. One of the reasons why I didn’t want to do anything sexual anymore, because I thought that I can do this casually, without giving a fuck, as you do, and for a period of time, I thought that okay, yes, it’s working, but I was just pushing the knife into the wound and yet, it’s hard as fuck to stay away from you, it’s like, I don’t know, a drug and I’m addicted. Sometimes is hurting and I have no idea what I did wrong. I know for sure that I’m scared that I won’t be able to catch feeling again, I tried, and it’s not working, after few hours I’m already not interested in anyone anymore. and on the other side, I also know that nothing will change in the future, I really tried, like I gave myself space, I tried to build up new connections and I feel like I did nothing.

Like everyday I’m trying to make fun of the situation and to say, more for myself, that I don’t want any man, and I’m good, but sadly, I just don’t want anyone else. And if that means to stay alone, so be it. This was and is literally the best connection that I ever had, and nothing from the past can compare to it, and I don’t want to “teach” someone to be like this in the future, because it need to come naturally, I don’t want to “build” it. So I guess I’ll just try, at least, to make peace with myself, hoping the therapy will help, and let the universe to do its thing because I’m tired.

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Doing everything on this list has truly changed my life for the better

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a binge always starts with "one bite won't hurt" remember being hungry hurts less than the disappointment after a binge

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a binge always starts with "one bite won't hurt" remember being hungry hurts less than the disappointment after a binge

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{Quotes marguaxpoetry on Instagram / Sarah Kay}

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{Quotes marguaxpoetry on Instagram / Sarah Kay}

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December 24 2024

Friday- hung out with B. He slept over, I know he doesn’t like me. He ignores me sometimes. It’s a game. I won’t leave though just waiting for him to leave. He left early in the morning since I had to work a 6 am shift. Made it to work about an hour late. Store assistant manager was mad. I get it this is the 4th times she’s calling me. I won’t leave him. Waiting for him to leave to I guess prove my belief that I’m worthless. I wish he loved me.

Saturday- hung out with S. I just wanted to be held. I don’t know what I even am looking for anymore. I told him I don’t think it would be a good idea to have sex but he said “I mean we’ve done it once”. That once was about a year ago but then we had a gap in talking since one of the dates I told him I was talking to B & he got upset…he made me pay for my own food lmao. Welllll about a year later he reaches back out…I responded & now we’re talking. I don’t think this will go anywhere but he’s giving me some attention for now.

I have a UTI…I get these dumb UTIs after sex. Maybe this is God telling me to not have sex. Idk. But goodness health insurance is expensive & that doctors visit + antibiotics + lab draw was like 300. FUCK. The sex is terrible but it’s something I guess. I don’t feel great after it. I’m insecure so I’m in my brain during it. It’s so bad. If I was smaller maybe id feel better thus be better at it

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You know the truth bc they’ve told you countless times and their actions show it but you want to make yourself believe that you don’t know anything so you ignore/avoid the truth so that it doesn’t affect you as much? I feel like lying to yourself & ignoring the truth will hurt you even more at the end of the day when they decide to get up and leave but then it’s expected. I’m just waiting for him to leave. I won’t leave. He will. This will just support the belief that I’m unlovable and unlikeable. I’m negative, people don’t like negative people. It’s okay though

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GLOW UP GUIDE FOR 2025⠀

READ: On average, it takes more than 2 months before a new behavior becomes automatic — 66 days to be exact. And considering that 2025 is precisely these many days away, why not start with our glow up plan already?

Physical Glow Up-

BODY

— 5-10K steps a day.

— 7-8 hours of sleep.

— workout everyday for 1 hr atleast- yoga/stretching/pilates/cardio. a workout may take one hour, but your mood will be boosted for the next 12 hours.

— posture training.

— sunlight exposure after waking up for at least 10 minutes.

NUTRITION

— 2-3 liters of water every day.

— limit your caffeine intake.

— avoid sugars as much as you can.

— high protein diet, pre and probiotics.

— more fruits and veggies (+ green smoothies if you like).

— no junk/processed food/trans fat.

— no eating after 8 pm.

SKINCARE

— be clear on your skin type (oily, dry, combination, sensitive).

— once you're clear, use these accordingly- cleanser, toner, targeted serum, eye cream, moisturizer, sunscreen (≥50 spf).

— keep your bedding clean as well.

— no picking of skin on your lips, cuticle etc.

— gua sha to help improve blood circulation and lessen toxins.

— cold therapy may take three to five minutes of being uncomfortable, but your energy levels will be boosted for the rest of the day.

— remove makeup before you go to bed.

BODY CARE

— shower every day.

— exfoliate 2x a week.

— use body lotion (shea butter/aloe vera gel/coconut oil).

HAIR CARE

— wash hair 2-3x a week

— oil your scalp 2x a week, at least 3 hours before shampoo.

— hair mask 1x per week.

— never brush wet hair.

— use silk pillow case.

HYGIENE

— brush your teeth 2x a day, clean tongue and the roof of the mouth daily.

— floss daily.

— cut your nails 1x a week, never remove the cuticles.

— glycolic acid under arm for odor and discoloration.

— never use soap on your coochie.

Mental Glow Up-

MINDSET

— set clear goals- define and breakdown your aspirations.

— start your mornings with positive affirmations.

— surround yourself with uplifting content and people.

— be shamelessly selfish to your career and mental health, remove anyone or anything that doesn't align with your priorities and wellbeing.

— boost your brain health by these 4 neuroscience tools:

difficult first: start your day with the most difficult task (cortisol and dopamine are high in the body meaning that your body/mind is primed to work).

rest your eyes: introduce a micro-pause after learning by resting/closing your eyes - will help retain information better.

tomorrow's worries: write tomorrow's to-do list before bed as it is proven to be effective in helping you fall asleep.

find time to play: engage in low-stake play. can be anything you find fun but where the outcome doesn't matter (induces neuroplasticity + reduces stress).

MIND

— meditation might take as low as ten minutes, but your focus will be improved for the rest of the day.

— no social media after waking up and at least an hour before bed.

— keep aside 1 hr of time to read daily! reading a new book may take five hours, but you will keep the knowledge forever.

— journaling, gratitude.

— digital detox once a week or for 12 hours.

— limit unnecessary screentime, unfollow or cut off people you don't want to see.

JOURNALING

— choose a regular time each day to journal, making it a part of your routine.

— find a quiet, comfortable place free from distractions. light a candle if you want.

— allow your thoughts to flow without censoring or editing.

— write about your feelings and emotions to understand them better. write about things you are thankful for to boost your mood. write about your short-term and long-term goals. identify what triggers certain emotions or reactions

— set a timer for 5-10 minutes and write continuously during that time.

— reflect on both positive experiences and challenges.

— make lists, journal your thoughts on these questions.

— journal at night to clear your mind before bedtime, because emotions and thoughts lose their power once we acknowledge them.

— a gratitude practice may take five minutes, but your mindset will be shifted for the rest of the day.

AFFIRMATIONS

— customise affirmations to your needs.

Personal Life-

WEEKLY TASKS

— initiate small changes: begin with small, manageable tasks such as making your bed or cleaning your room every sunday.

— celebrate your success: reward yourself when you achieve your goals or have a consistently productive week. consider treats like buying flowers for yourself or watching your favorite show.

DAILY WORK

— set achievable goals: establish realistic goals for the day, week, or month ahead.

— track your progress.

— organise your work space, declutter your shelves etc.

— embrace the power of lists: keep a list of tasks to be done and their deadlines. this way, you start each day with a clear plan. to make it visually appealing and motivating, consider using productivity apps like evernote, habit tracker, or notion.

PRODUCTIVITY TIPS

— wake up early.

— plan ahead everything, do scheduling. you can use:

google calendar / notion / tasks .

— if the task takes less than 2 minutes to finish, do it immediately.

— countdown rule, if you are procrastinating, count 1-2-3-4-5 and jump.

— start slow, don't rush and try to do everything at one time.

— follow a proper routine, use app locks based on screentime.

— pomodoro technique, 25 min work, and 5 min break.

— schedule longer break times as well e.g 30 min nap.

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I have spent my life burning with the fire of comparison, years of constant competition.

And today, as I live with myself, I realize that I am not in a race with anyone.

The only question I now ask myself is: Is this the best I can do? If the answer is yes, I embrace it with gratitude and peace, and if it’s no, I jokingly say to myself: Let's see the best now.

I have reached a stage of reconciliation with myself, where I can joke and empathize with it.

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do u ever listen to a song and remember exactly what life was like when u first heard it

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"but there is something that happens when you are told you are too much. you begin to ask everyone, "how small would you like me?""

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"but there is something that happens when you are told you are too much. you begin to ask everyone, "how small would you like me?""

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Remember that time when you felt like something was too much, and there was no way you’d get through it?

You did. And you can do it again.

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㋡🥀