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I don’t need the regrets of others, I want to speak out and share my story. if you want you can share yours, whatever this story is, I will be interested to read
I look at myself and think: who have I become?
a sweet and cheerful girl became a monster
What am I getting this for? this emptiness that has nothing to fill? I don't want to harm myself... I want to harm others
my heart is breaking, feeling like I’m going crazy and no one will help me. did I ask my family for help? Yes. did they help? No. Mom just won't try to make an appointment for me to see a doctor.
seeing the pain of others like that... attracts, makes me laugh and gives me confidence, but on the other hand I’m ashamed of it
how I tried to kill my father, the son of a bitch, who slept while drunk, for the umpteenth time? I lost count... he's been drinking since I was born, he's still drinking, and more than 20 years of his alcoholism have passed! ever since my older brother was born... this monster is also jealous of my mother! although he once molested me when I was very little... this happened at about 3-5 years old, I put it together from my memories.
I'm not ashamed. I'm in pain. my heart is bursting with pain and resentment. he saw in me a sexual object that he would use and nothing would happen to him. It won’t happen to him, but yes to me. he broke me, killed me mentally, destroyed me. and I'm amazed. Mom would definitely notice that something happened to me! but what? That's right, she's holding on to her dick instead of saving her daughter. it hurts so much. Now he’s not doing anything to me, but recently it seemed to me that he was trying to touch me on the butt unnoticed, I see, feel and understand everything, monster!
but no one helps me, absolutely. my last and only friend left me without a word. it broke my heart. she left me absolutely alone... several years have passed, and I have come to terms with it a little, but it still hurts. semi-friends simply stopped communicating with me in 5th grade, when it all started. sometimes they laughed at me, but what happened at the other school... I hate it. at the beginning everything was fine, but after the autumn holidays... Someone spread a rumor about me and people believed it... they filmed me without permission and quietly, took photos, and clearly discussed me in a chat. on the last day at that school, before spring break, one boy walked towards me and openly began to insult me while I was walking to the bus stop, I restrained myself, but at home I broke down and burst into tears. nothing helped. after that day I don’t go to school, I’m homeschooled, although it’s hard to call it that... I hardly do anything, studying makes me sick.
They're constantly cutting my brains! I didn't do this, I didn't do that! although I did it!! they always notice what I DIDN'T do. I was in a good mood and it was a holiday for them! that is, for them I am always gloomy and angry? a little disappointing... one day my brother said “quiet, it looks like she’s going through a thought process, let’s not disturb”, that is, for him I don’t think at all? what am I stupid? it’s a shame... it also seems to them that I don’t care at all, but they have no idea how dear they are to me, but when I realize this, it begins to disappear, and almost no one is important to me.
sometimes yes, I can’t do anything at all... but a few years ago, they remember what kind of regime I had!? almost none! and now they just woke up and began to realize this and scold me? it hurts.
I was left alone... only the streamers save me a little and cheer me up, one man is so cool, cheerful, even though the audience is small, it’s great to chat with him and sometimes I talk to him and he reacts normally and tries to help a little and I really appreciate it! It’s not much, but it warms my empty, cold heart...
I know that I have serious problems, but I still can’t get help... I hope I get help and I don’t meet the end of life in a mental hospital.
Because of all this...I want to die. get peace. I'm constantly afraid, I don't sleep, I don't live... It hurts to live. I'm just trying to believe that there is something after death and I will finally get peace...
did you read all of this? seriously? thank you! ♡
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