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[strangwilds]

supernatural is so funny. sometimes they'll look for God and say things like "try new mexico, I hear he's on a tortilla" "no, he's not on any flatbread" and then you get bangers like "freedom is a length of rope and God wants you to hang yourself with it".

[strangwilds]

[strangwilds]

angst ahead, proceed with caution / something i drabbled after watching the extended trailer for s15 and breaking down for the hundredth time / wc: 400

One shot, and tonight he’s finally going to give in.

Two shots, and it’s alright, it’s okay, maybe the pain will finally go away if he keeps up the pace, fingers curling around the neck of the bottle of whiskey as he pours himself another.

Three shots, and there’s a tear rolling down his cheek. Why the fuck is there a tear running down his cheek?!

Four shots, and the pleasant buzzing finally comes in, numbing its way down his entire body, tugging at his heart and stopping his hands from trembling so much. Doesn’t reach his heart just yet, though.

Five shots, and Dean thinks maybe it’s not okay after all, maybe he’s never been built for this, maybe he’s been wrong all along and he can’t fucking take it anymore.

Six shots, and he figures the pain won’t numb tonight, maybe not ever again. It’s too much, and no amount of alcohol seems to do the tricks to finally stop him from fucking feeling.

Seven shots, and it’s almost soothing, cathartic even, the way the alcohol burns its way down his throat to reach the pool in is lower abdomen, the one that’s been burning with sorrow and despair for what feels like forever.

Eight shots, and why does he bother anyway? It’s not like there’s anything left for him here now. Sure, there’s Sam, and Jack, but they don’t need him anymore, not really. Sam has Eileen, and Jack has Sam. What’s left for him here except mountains of regrets higher than the goddamn Himalaya and pain wider than the fucking Grand Canyon?

Nine shots, and there’s still a tear marked deep inside his soul that no amount of self-loathing and alcohol seem to ever stitch. It’s etched to the edges of his heart, going deeper and deeper as he drowns, unable to stay above ground.

Ten shots, and he finally gives in, sinking to his knees, the half-empty bottle of jack laying on the ground beside him.

One too many tears, and he’s praying, and praying, and praying, as if he could hear anything from where he’s gone.

Cas, please, for the love of fucking everything, please come back to me.

Does it ever cease to hurt when you lose the one your soul belongs to?

Does it ever get better?

One single tear, dropping on the hardwood floor, and Dean knows it doesn’t.

So why bother trying, anyway?

— Taglist under the cut; as usual, just ask to be added or removed! —

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[strangwilds]

So this fic absolutely goes out to @deano-cas for their scene outline in this post on the aftermath of The Deal™. Major props to @starclaire for devastating us with that video in the first place. Warning: Major character death

Dean can’t breathe.

He can’t properly see the road right now either, but there are more pressing issues like he can’t breathe, he can’t breathe, he can’t—

He can’t. He can’t do this.

Before he knows what he’s doing, he is shifting the car into park in the middle of the road. He hears Sam’s voice saying— something. He hears rain pounding on metal, what could be thunder in the distance, and he hears something pounding in his ears that is probably his own heartbeat.

His hands are shaking.

He can’t breathe.

He meant to do better, to actually pull over or just keep driving or do something safe and right, but he doesn’t have it in him.

Sam’s hand is on his shoulder, and he’s not sure when that happened, but it’s there, and it’s solid, and Sam is shaking too, but in spite of it all, Dean is glad to have his brother by his side.

Dean lets himself cry. He lets his body be wracked with sobs, lets himself gasp for air, lets himself put his face in his balled up fists and weep.

He feels sick, he feels wrong, he feels— empty.

It doesn’t last long, and Dean knows that they’ll never talk about it again, but this time, they let themselves feel it all.

Then Sam is sniffling, taking a deep breath to steel himself, and he reaches for the keys in the ignition.

“I’ll drive the rest of the way,” he says raggedly, and Dean thanks whatever deity is still out there and still good that Sam didn’t say “home,” because for the life of him, Dean can’t think of what that would mean anymore.

Dean doesn’t put up a fight, just steps into the rain and walks dazedly around to the passenger side door.

He thinks that maybe the rain will wash away the blood stains. He hopes it doesn’t.

When he gets back into the impala, he closes his eyes. He doesn’t remember hearing Sam start the car, but when he opens his eyes, they’ve left the town in the rearview.

The rain keeps pounding, but it is still too quiet. Dean stares out the window without seeing. They pass a field of newly planted corn which the rain has flooded and wiped away, and Dean hazily thinks that the seeds never stood a chance.

[strangwilds]

@lgbtqcreators event 02 » comfort characters

↳Castiel (Supernatural) + heaven can wait

[strangwilds]

MISHA COLLINS as CASTIEL — Supernatural, SEASON EIGHT happy birthday, alison @buckystiel!! ❤︎

[strangwilds]

spncreatorsdaily 2k week | day 6: locations/scenery ↳ Dean&Cas

[strangwilds]

SPN deleted scenes → 15.08 - Our Father, Who Aren’t in Heaven ↳ Castiel asks Donatello for help

[strangwilds]

"It's been a long day, without you my friend

And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

We've come a long way from where we began

Oh I'll tell you all about it when I see you again"

- Wiz Khalifa _ See you again

When I see you again...

[strangwilds]

pls make a meme of them trying to tie all these unrelated points into the finale/alt finale they made to avoid destiel/gay love with the guy in front of the board and red string

Ask and you shall receive :) This got a little long lol 

[strangwilds]

“People say you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just never thought you’d lose it.”

– Clarissa Wild

[strangwilds]

it hurts like hell 💔

— insp.

[strangwilds]

Dean comes back to himself slowly, the sound of his ringing phone growing louder until he realizes it’s in his hand. He puts it to his ear but doesn’t say anything.

“Dean?” Sam’s voice: tinny, worried.

“Yeah. Talk to me.”

A pause, then, “What’s wrong? What happened?”

Dean closes his eyes and sighs. “Cas is gone.”

“Oh.”

“That’s it? ‘Oh’?” Dean bites his lower lip. He wants to blow up at his brother. “You don’t sound surprised.”

“I’m sorry, Dean.” It sounds like he means it. “I thought Cas might...I just thought we might lose him.”

Dean drifts again, doesn’t say anything.

“Are you OK?” Sam asks lamely.

“Yeah, Sam, I feel fucking great. What do you think?”

“Dean—”

“What did Cas say to you? If you knew he would—what did he say, some kind of goodbye?”

“No,” Sam says. “What did he say to you?”

“I don’t know.” Dean tries to replay the conversation in his head and comes up blank. “I don’t know.”

Sam waits.

They don’t have time for this. Still.

“Did he ever tell you that he loved you?” Dean says.

“Yeah. Once or twice maybe, I’m not sure.”

“What? How can you not be sure?”

Sam huffs a small laugh. “I don’t know, it just wasn’t a big deal I guess.”

“Not a big deal.”

“Dean. Did Cas tell you he’s in love with you?”

“No,” Dean says quickly. “No. That’s not what happened.”

“So what did he say?”

“Wait, what do you mean he’s in love with me? You knew this already?”

“I don’t think now is the best time to—”

“You knew. You knew and you didn’t tell me.”

“Cas is my best friend, Dean, he trusts me. What do you want me to say? Yeah, I knew. Of course he’s in love with you.” Upset, he repeats, “What do you want me to say?”

“Oh.”

“Oh? That’s it, ‘oh’?”

Dean takes a deep breath. “What the hell am I supposed to do now?”

It takes Sam a long time to answer. “If things were calm—if he had told you, I don’t know, over pizza after a normal hunt, what would you do? When would be a good time?”

Dean suddenly feels tired, the type of deep-set exhaustion that’s been building for years. “Say what you want to say to me, Sammy.”

“This is the worst timing, but it was always gonna be the worst timing,” Sam says impatiently. “I’m sorry. You and Cas...I don’t know. You have to sort through your feelings on your own, I think.”

“It’s too late. He’s gone.”

“If he wasn’t, or if he came back, what would you do?”

Dean grips the phone tighter, forcing himself not to hang up on Sam. The only thought that crosses his mind is giving Cas a hug, which is stupid and makes him hate himself even more than he already does. But then it comes back to him, what Cas said about him, that he doesn’t have to be this angry and broken man, that he is selfless and loving, and it’s hard to hate that.

“Dean?”

He makes a fist with his free hand, tries to remember that he’s talking to his brother, that it’s OK, that Sam isn’t going to judge him. “I, uh. I want him back. I want him, here, with me. Fuck, I love him. I’ve always loved him.” He drops his head and finally lets himself cry, but it comes out as a shaking sob that he can’t control. “Fuck.”

“It’s OK, Dean. It’s OK. We’ll get him back.”

[strangwilds]

"Oh, when you told me you'd leave

I felt like I couldn't breath

My aching body fell to the floor

It's so quiet here

And I feel so cold

This house no longer

Feels like home"

Ben Cocks - So Cold

[strangwilds]

Нет, подняться не так просто. Невозможно почти, несмотря на то, что физически Дин цел. Просто разлом в груди вытягивает все силы, выталкивает весь воздух и заставляет слезы чертить кривые дорожки на щеках.

Это должно было закончиться не так. Это не должно было закончиться вообще. Но, кажется, у их истории не было другого финала, его просто не существовало никогда, сколько бы раз они ни пытались его переписывать.

Всё случилось слишком, слишком стремительно. И потому осознание неторопливо вскрывает каждый чертов нерв, вытаптывает дорогу к сердцу медленно, мучительно, а затем ледяными крючьями протаскивает сквозь него каждое несказанное слово.

Он не успел. Ни обнять, ни ответить, ни удержать. Он ничего не успел.

Где-то на полу продолжает звонить брошенный телефон. Дин перестаёт слышать его. Он сейчас не готов слышать вообще хоть что-нибудь. Последние слова Каса ещё слишком громко звучат в его голове, и Дин не думает, что когда-нибудь утихнут.

Дин знает, Дин помнит, что за стенами этой комнаты исчезает целый мир. Но собственная катастрофа ломает ему кости, раскурочивает его хребет настолько сильно, что обездвиживает полностью.

И Дин не хочет шагать туда, где Каса больше нет. Но придётся, только все равно это теперь кажется бессмысленным.

Дин теряет счёт времени. Он не может, не может, не может подняться. Это не так просто, невозможно почти, когда душа вся разорвана в клочья.

[strangwilds]

You’ll be with me like a handprint on my heart and now whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend

[strangwilds]

"This is my December

This is my snow covered home

This is my December

This is me alone"

- Linkin Park _ My December

And I give it all away

Just to have somewhere to go to

Give it all away

To have someone to come home to