strawberriedhoney

[strawberriedhoney]

you told me you were a god,

i believed you, despite being christian and still knowing that there was one god i worshipped and it was not you.

so desperate to be loved, i replied "yes, sir" to your every command when you were angry because i knew if i did not comply, you would kill me. you told me you could. you described how you would do it and explained how you would leave me in the street for someone else to find. you discussed how i was so unimportant that it was okay and i would never be missed by anyone.

you threatened me so often that it became boring, even when it worsened. it only worsened because i was protesting against you, which was against your rules and laws. it was not in your version of the ten commandments. your version had so many rules and instructions and contradictions on how to exist.

i still get terrified when i find myself breaking one of your commandments.

i vomited in the shower because i remembered when you would get mad because i said you did not own me. i remembered how you told me you were tracking me on my walk, and how i would be kidnapped and brought to you to apologize. you lied that night, but i still panicked before i managed to walk the half hour home.

you called me a failure when i tried to tell you that you were scaring me, that you had caused me to feel so afraid for my life, that you were too controlling of who i was.

you called me pathetic for everything wrong i did, and it got to a point where even waking up was a sin.

to this day, i still have to repent.

[strawberriedhoney]

first love --

i remember id walk and not know about the bears migrating south

what if i were mauled? i never worried about it

i never thought about it

it's fucked up,the possibility of that happening

i wqs so sad. i went and i would walk just to get out of the house, from the chaos

i remember being homeless-- living in a hotel with no sight of the future. mom's in debt again and i hide my fears and sorrows by buying records and little pieces of stationery. i go downstairs to the grocery store and read packages to find mandarin vocabulary words for my studying.

when i met him, i thought i was happy

then i met his other face, he was unstable and scary and i never knew what to expect

i miss bubble tea and the hand-holding and when you'd hug me when i'd throw up from guilt and fear

even when it was stress from you

and withdrawals from drugs i started to hide my pain from you

and from myself so i wouldnt cry all night

i still cut

-- late spring

i hope you think of me when you hear her songs playing somewhere

i hope you never stopped thinking of me

did you regret it? maybe i'm the crazy one, i'm sorry

[strawberriedhoney]

i wasnt meant to live

i wasnt meant for this world

he always told me

he would drill it into my head

but i always knew it even before he entered my life

its my fault it was always my fault its my fault

hit me again so i can feel something

grab me by the hair and pick me up off the floor just to throw me at the wall again

you told me it was never me that you were mad at

did that change? did you change? did you get angrier and meaner or did i get dumber and crazier?

you said you would teach me how to swim but i wish you got around to it -- i'm drowning in my tears and my sorrow

i wasn't meant to live

i'm an angel -- but i'm not heavenly or holy or good. i'm an angel but i've simply died repeatedly and made my way to Heaven many times.

God made me an angel and i have to return home to Him

[strawberriedhoney]

the last supper - 10/19/20

[strawberriedhoney]

i want to peel off the pieces of skin you laid your hands on

i want to set fire to the open skin layers and watch them burn then wait until i feel clean again

or clean enough because ill never be truly clean again after you

[strawberriedhoney]

u gave me disease

u covered me in grime

i wnt it gone i want to peel off a layer of my skin or to set fire 2 myself

if i could peel a layer of my skin

off my lips

new eyes new happiness

ill peel off my nails ill take a painkiller so it wont hurt as bad

maybe ill get someone 2 sit me down and pull them off for me

then cover my fingrtps w banndaids so my nailz can heal and grow back

i can dye my hair and watch it grow anew

trim the ends u pulled and wash it seven hundred times to get ur touch off again

evrything i see is diamond shaped shards of blurry

glass but i cnt see thru it cos i cant see cos its not real

[strawberriedhoney]

he said i was 2 naive i think he was right cos i never expected him 2 hurt me and time and time again id be surprised and scared as if it wasnt the same shit ovr and over again

the same words scaring me 2 death

scared 4 my life

i was too naive thats what he said i think he was right cos he would baby me to a scary point

i didnt speak up i was so scared

i didnt know it was wrong that he said he cared then said he wanted 2 kill me

hed give me a detailed procedure 4 it

id be like he will b ok in the morning just wait it out

but it was always the same always always always the same

3 months gone im still terrified

u said u loved me and cared abt me then said it was a big lie

and u and i both know u only liked havin the control ovr me

hit me i dare u

now im still scared but im ready 2 fight back even if it dosnt hurt u i just need u 2 know im doing so much bettr stay gone stay away from me

[strawberriedhoney]

remembering the things that used to make me feel safe, now knowing what your intentions were, gives me the worst nausea

[strawberriedhoney]

mom can you come get me things are getting bad again and i feel every insult like a sharp tooth and i feel my dreams rotting under my fingernails and i feel too much all the time or else i feel nothing at all and it doesn’t seem to matter if i drink and dance and party or if i stay at home curled up to study

mom are you sure when i was born i was a person and not just a vortex. always hungry. always swallowing. no matter how much goes in me i always end up empty.

[strawberriedhoney]

found while cleaning

“I feel nothing.” I have never felt ‘nothing’. We always feel. We feel numb or we feel like television static or we feel so overwhelmed that it is all a blank slate, but we never feel ‘nothing’.

[strawberriedhoney]

Promise me you'll never forget all the times we spent together

and promise me no one will ever take my place in your heart

[strawberriedhoney]

im a strange lipstick color im the shimmer in cheap shampoo im a shoplifted beauty product im eyeliner on the back of a hand im a blue finger from a cheap ring im glitter you cant get off your skin im beautiful in the most disgusting ways and im never going to die

[strawberriedhoney]

[strawberriedhoney]

[strawberriedhoney]

[strawberriedhoney]

[strawberriedhoney]

A+

im in pain but what does that mean my windows open the birds are singing i dont have to return to work for two days my roommate and his friend are trying to learn modest mouse songs i can hear his puppy husky walk across the wooden floor im not as cool as i said its beautiful outside i wish i was rich and in love w/ you kids walking home from school outside talking about their grades i have to go to the bank maybe see my brother later who knows