strength-journey

[strength-journey]

I want to Yell at you. I want to Curse you. I want to Hit your chest Until it hurts As much as mine. But you Don’t deserve Even that. You deserve Nothing From me.

And that is the saddest part (via hungryhijabii)

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http://iglovequotes.net/

[strength-journey]

Two souls don’t find each other by simple accident.

Jorge Luis Borges (via wordsnquotes)

[strength-journey]

The last but not least of Assorted Planets Month!

And now to cool you all off with some “refreshing” rain!

This week’s entry: Planetary Rain

http://www.zmescience.com/other/science-abc/rain-titan-earth-neptune/

http://io9.com/on-jupiter-you-can-see-neon-rain-1640118403

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self consciousness

This weekend I went to a concert. During this concert there was a moment where I felt more uncomfortable that I have in a long time. Social situations used to be very difficult for me. I used to feel very self conscious around other people. I always compared myself to others and wouldn't really enjoy the experience. Somehow, I got over this, and gave up caring about what others thought of me. However, at this concert, I felt like I wanted to just crawl into a hole. I didn't enjoy myself because I thought the people behind me were judging my fat ass. I didn't want to dance because I would look like a fool. And even though the drunk couple next to me kept bumping into me, I didn't want to say anything because I did not want them to not like me.

I absolutely hate these thoughts. They take me back to my old self, and I hated that person. I know that I am very capable of changing my outward appearance, but I don't know that it will help change my thoughts. I have been so out of it the past few weeks, I feel like I am just running through the motions of daily life.

[strength-journey]

missing in action

I have been missing in action for a while now. Mainly because life has gotten in the way of everything, but now I am attempting to get back the little pieces that I lost.

As far as my diet is concerned, I have been doing well. This is a result of being poor and having limited resources for food, so I have been eating less and losing weight. Which is bad and good, I guess.

I have been working out more at home. So far it has been good, but I need to get to the gym to do some more cardio. I miss partner work outs, I felt like I was really making progress, and I can tell I am still progressing. however, this is a moment where life got in the way, and it was best that a boundary line was drawn. My focus for this week is making it back to the gym, and trying to hold myself accountable for what I do and do not do while I am there.

I know I have been shutting down for the past couple of weeks. Life is a crazy thing, instead of choosing to live it, I let it get to me and stopped doing what I needed to better myself. I let everything go, and that only made matters worse. No more, Do work.

[strength-journey]

failure

I feel like a complete failure these past two weeks. I let life get to me, and completely gave up on my goals. I have a habit of doing this, which sucks, but I can always get back on the wagon.

This weekend, I am going to start going back to my gym. My overcrowded, cheap gym. I am going to do my own thing for a while in an attempt to get back in the groove. I know I am capable of doing it, I have done it many times before. I just need to focus. My only priority right now is getting into shape. Nothing else matters.

I feel like I am hitting a mid life crisis, or at least a quarter life crisis. I went to my mother's grave the other day, and realized that she only lived 18 more years when she was my age. It scares me to think that I could get sick like her, I have always felt like I would die young. I think getting healthy would help me to feel more comfortable and to not always worry about dying. It's a terrible feeling. Either way, I have come to accept the fact that life is short, and we only have one life to live. I don't want to waste my time here on things that aren't important or don't fulfill me.

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letting go

I am letting go of a lot. Mainly of things I cannot control and of things are not important.

Being fit is important to me, but realistically, I will never be an Olympic athlete. I need to let go of this competitive side that I have, I do not need to be the best, I just need to be my personal best, whatever that may be. If that means I go from not being able to do sit up to doing one sit up, I rock.

Being healthy is important to me, but I am self conscious around everyone. I always feel like the whale in the room that is holding everyone else back. Even though, in the back of my head, I know I am doing what I need to do to improve my life. I am working on myself, I really need to let go of caring what others think about me. Who cares what they think? (Honestly, we all know I do.)

Being happy is important to me. Everything else is pointless if I am not happy. Being happy to me, means making my self happy. (No I don't mean in the sexual sense) To be happy, I have let go of all of the other stuff going on around me that is stressful and that I cannot control. I can only control myself and my reaction to situations. I can choose to wallow for days and be mad, or I can say fuck it, and move on.

So I am letting go of the things I cannot control and taking control of the things I can control.

[strength-journey]

everything is better with good friends

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life and the choices that have led me to where I am today, especially when it concerns friends. I am going to go ahead and warn you, this is going to be a long post.

My first true friendship started in second grade when I sat next to Brittany, we did not like each other because she was still the new weird girl the wore pants in first grade. (I went to a Catholic Grade School, at the time we wore jumpers, pants were for boys-- yay gender roles...) Anyhow, we soon became friends, I am not sure how it happened, but we became inseparable. I still remember building a fort in her basement and hiding when my mom, yes my real mom, came to pick me up. She was there for me when my mom died, I was there for her when her parents divorced. We said we were sisters through thick and thin, and we were. We played sports together all year around, and spent almost every summer night at each others house. Although we had other friends, we didn't really hang out with anyone else.

When we got to high school things changed dramatically, She soon started dating Chris and spent a lot more time with him and had a lot less time for me. She focused on softball and Chris, while I focused on school and swimming. Things were changing. I struggled for a while in high school, trying to find a new place to fit and new friends, all while mourning the lost sisterhood with Brittany.

I soon found a home with Amanda and our weird group of friends from high school. Amanda has become like another sister to me. We have been through a lot together and bring out the best in each other, and sometimes the worst, but through it all we have remained friends. We may go months with out talking, but when we finally see each other it's as if not time has passed.

When I got to college, life was rough, I made friends with a bunch of pot heads and drinkers, which made for some fun weekends and weekdays, but school was not a priority. After being kicked out of school and moving home, I realized that those people I hung out with were not my friends, there were merely people that used me.

I feel like this has been a theme form many of my friendships recently. They consisted of superficial conversation, and crap. They are the types of people who have turned their back on me when times got rough. They are the people who talk about themselves 95% of the time, and only pretend to care about other people when everything in their life is perfect. They are the kinds of people who are quick to judge others without taking a hard look in the mirror. They are the people who collect friends to feel better about themselves, but don’t really know anything about those friends they collected. They are the people, who are toxic and are incapable of love or friendship. They suck. I am better off without them.

I feel like right now I have a good few friends, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I have dealt with so much crap recently, that the thought of being a hermit in my apartment sounded amazing. So it’s a huge deal to have friends I can trust, and friends that support me, and motivate me to be a better person. After all, isn’t that what friendship is all about? It’s not a one way street, it’s a friggin’ highway. Good friendships are not easy, the require work and diligence and setting time aside for those people we care about. I am thankful that I have found a place, especially after the shit storm of a year.

I can end this blog without mentioning my fitness goals. What were those goals again? I think I am going to focus working towards doing things the normal way. Meaning, no longer modifying burpees, doing sit-ups, etc. I have been using a partner, bewls17, for my recent workouts and I notice a huge difference. She is a very motivational partner and holds me accountable. She can point out when my form is off, and she creates awesome workouts. I hope that we can continue to work out together, because I think I would finally see results. For now though, it’s going really well.

[strength-journey]

motivation

I forgot to highlight some motivation I recently discovered. On Saturday, I ordered my bridesmaid's dress for my best friend's wedding. The experience overall made me want to go eat a roll of cookie dough and say fuck it all. The man who took my measurements was a lovely gentleman with a very loud voice. He was helping me choose which size dress I needed, and he kept yelling out my measurements and sizes, which was only slightly embarrassing. Then I quietly told him just go with the friggin bigger size and I will have it tailored. At this point I though he got the drift that I was embarrassed of my size and did not want the whole store to know. However, I was wrong. He proceeded to say, "Ok it's going to be $20 extra because you ordered a size __." Ok ok whatever happy man. Just get me out of here.

As He is ringing me up, I notice the sheet with all of the bridesmaids listed, and I see sizes, 0, 4, 4,  and 6. Great, great just fucking perfect. I am going to stick out like a sore thumb at this sorority/ fraternity filled, beach wedding. Again, I was ready to down a roll of cookie dough, but I took a moment and realized the ball is in my court. I can sit here and sulk about being overweight or I can change myself and lose some weight before this wedding. I realize that there isn't any way I will be a size 0 before this wedding, and that isn't my end goal. What I can do, is work my butt off and try my hardest to get in shape. So that as I walk down the aisle to see my friend get married, I can hold my head up high know that I did what I could without regrets.

[strength-journey]

feeling eh

I feel like my fellow blogger, bewls17. I have done well on one goal this past week, but not on all of them. I am really proud that I ate like a health food champ. This was mainly a result of dwindling bank account, but it got me thinking. I had to be very creative with the food I had, and I was able to eat enough and to eat healthy with out spending extra money on food. My challenge to myself this week is to keep that momentum going, and to not cop out by going to get food at a fast food place or other quick stop.

I royally sucked at the gym this week, partly because I am waiting on my free pass for a different gym and partly because I was swamped at my second job. While those are my excuses, I know they are not acceptable. I am perfectly capable of work out around my schedule. I just need to make time to go to the gym. If I get in the routine of going it will be better. Putting it off does not help anyone. I also did not go at 5 am any morning. Whoops.

Goal: Do better this week, only if it's in one area.

[strength-journey]

a case of the mondays

I am that weirdo that likes Mondays. Not because I love to go to work or because I enjoy knowing that I have five more days of work, but because Mondays represent a new week, a fresh start. The mistakes I made or things I didn’t do last week don’t matter any more. I have a clean slate.

As far as my goals, I have been really good about eating healthy. I am actually shocking myself. I am just doing terrible with going to the gym. I would like to blame it on the gym itself, Planet Fitness is a very cheap gym that focuses on cardio equipment so you have to wait for weights. My goal this week is to get to the gym four days this week and at least one of those days has to be a 5:00 am trip. This is huge. I hate mornings but I want to see how I feel. My biggest problem is finding time to go to the gym to get a workout in. Maybe I need to go at 5:00? Say a little prayer for me.

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losing control

I can admit that I am somewhat of a control freak. I take that back, I am a HUGE control freak, to the point that I sometimes do not enjoy riding in the car with others. When it comes to my fitness goals, I do worse when I feel like I am losing control, or when I haven't planned out my week well enough. I see one mistake as ruining the entire week, therefore I might as well just throw in the towel and give up. I realize this is crazy, most of my thinking is fucked up. I hate failing, and when I fail I feel like I am losing control.

When I think about losing control, it seems like a bad thing. Oh I lost control of my car, I lost control of my spending or I lost control of my drinking. Eh, maybe that last one isn't so bad. Losing control does not have to be bad, especially when we lose control of the things we have no control over in the first place. I sometimes get so angry and frustrated when my day does not go as planned. I get that this is childish and ridiculous, and that I cannot plan for everything, especially being a social worker.

I really need to focus on giving up on maintaining control, and just go with the flow more. I need to stop trying to control the outcomes in my life, at least the ones I cannot control, and focus more on the things I change. I can change my eating habits, I can change the amount of time I spend in the gym, I can control my application to grad school. I cannot control anyone else, no matter how much it drives me crazy and makes me want to punch them in their face. I cannot control if my day goes according to plan because emergencies popped up. 

I think by taking away all of the unnecessary crap, I will achieve my goals, and stop wasting time with things that will never change or be how I wish they were. So I am not losing control, I am giving it back.  

[strength-journey]

Ha love.

Are you a lesbian

That’s a hell of a statement. Boy, am I ever a lesbian indeed.

[strength-journey]

cravings and gushy stuff

Whew, it’s been two days since I started eating strict paleo, and I am craving some CHOCOLATE. Like real melt in your mouth chocolate, and of course Valentine’s Day is Friday so I am ready to eat my weight in junk food to drown my loneliness.

I don’t really know why this stupid holiday makes me feel this way. It’s not like I am unhappy alone because I really hate the thought of being tied down. I think it’s the relationship part I want, the knowledge that no matter what I have someone in my court willing to back me up, laugh with me, hang out and to pick me up when I am having a shitty day. All of that without the crazy psychoness that plague most lesbian relationships. I realize that I live in a dream world. Relationships like the one I described only exist in movies and TV shows. Real people are full of jealousy, distrust and other nasty emotions that we could all live without. I would like to think that some people can rise above, but at the end of the day we are all humans. Humans are not perfect, and cannot be expected to ignore nasty emotions.

Relationships are messed up, I can only think of a handful of people that I would consider to have a good and health relationship. I don’t see the point of unhealthy relationships, but then again I a cold hearted Sagittarius that can drop someone without looking back. At the end of the day, I need to remember that I am happy now, instead of hoping and wishing that someone else would come along to fill some fictitious void in my heart, I can make myself happy. I am in control of my own happiness, no one else. I don’t have anyone to check in with or to worry about or to wait up for me if I decide to go on a joy ride at midnight. I have me and I am happy with me.

I am not really sure what this relationship rant has to do with my fitness goals, but I guess I needed to vent.

So, I guess I am doing well with my goals, I have avoided drive thru’s, eaten paleo and worked out, but it’s only Wednesday. I am going to total my points on Friday, If I get 80% of the total points, then I am going to treat myself this weekend, I am not sure with what, but I can assure you it will involve chocolate.

[strength-journey]

concussed no more

Here's take two after my fall:

I have said farewell to carbs and fast food for the next 30 days. Today is day one of my paleo/ no fast food challenge. I had some yummy Sweet Potato Hash for Breakfast and a Spinach Salad for lunch. So far so good, but it is only day one. 

Tonight, I am gonna kick some butt doing an at home Crossfit WOD from the 21 Day Superhero Unleashed Fitness Challenge. I have to recommend this challenge because it is cheap and full of TONS of advice and pointers. Not to mention it comes with some awesome at home Crossfit WODs. I so wish I had the money for Crossfit. 

In addition to my challenge, I will be scoring myself for the 30 days using the same scoring system as the challenge. Here's how I get points:

"Movement/Mobility - 1 Point-- It is important to move and stretch every day. Movement can be lifting weights, running, skiing, racquetball, or just going for a walk. Mobility can be things like stretching or foam rolling. The important thing is to be moving or stretching for at least 10 minutes, even on rest days.

Fish Oil - 1 Point-- Fish oil is high in Omega-3 and Omega-6 fatty acids. It has been shown to reduce inflammation, blood pressure, and even your risk of cancer. Take one teaspoon per day for this point. You can find my favorite at Stronger Faster Healthier.

Water - 1 Point-- Drinking enough water every day is critical! Take your body weight and divide it by 3. Drink AT LEAST that many ounces of pure water every day. For example, if you weigh 150 pounds, then drink at least 50 ounces of water. Unsweetened seltzer water counts. Coffee, tea, soda, etc. do not count.

No Sugar - 1 Point-- Sugar is, at it's very essence, almost pure energy. The problem is that we are very good at storing this energy as fat. That means no soda, no candy, no Gatorade, no delicious white mochas from Starbucks.

No Alcohol - 1 Point-- Once digested, alcohol is essentially a sugar, causing the same problems that refined table sugar has. Additionally, it interferes with a number of your body's processes, such as muscle recovery. It'll be tough, but stick with it!

No Refined Carbs - 1 Point-- Refined carbohydrates, like bread, pasta, and flour, act very similarly to sugar. Your body easily converts them into glucose, which gets stored as fat if you don't use it right away. Complex carbs, especially from fruits and veggies, are much better."

-The points and information are from the Superhero Challenge, by Emily Schromm, not me!

I have not figured out rewards for myself, but I will attempt to log them each night and update on here weekly. Now to kick some butt!

[strength-journey]

the struggle and the curb

I started strong. I did my tracker work out on Monday. Had my last fast food meal and dessert. On Tuesday I was ready for the new start. I packed my lunch, made a breakfast smoothie and headed to work. Here's where the curb comes into play. I'm loading up my car with my work bag, gym bag and a lamp for my office, and then boom I step on ice and bust my ass on the concrete and head on the curb. Needless to say I have been a hot sore mess since and it sucks. I feel worthless and unmotivated, both feelings that I don't like to feel. I am thankful that I don't not seriously hurt myself, it just makes me even more ready to get back to the gym. The doctor said to take it easy until Friday, and my hypochondriac self will be very careful until then. For now I will continue to focus on my diet and meal planning.