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[strengthpushingthrough]

Sometimes life is confusing, when you think you’re where you’re supposed to be and everything feels right.. you get thrown a curve ball and everything gets turned upside down. I don’t know why this is happening but I’m ready to let the universe guide me to to where it is I am supposed to go.

[strengthpushingthrough]

Where I'm at.

So for the past couple weeks I have grown exponentially. I have been reading books listening to podcast and working with my therapist to understand and become the person I want to be.

I wanted to share a couple of things that really resonated with me from the short course i am doing right now from pathway to happiness.com and the happiness through self awareness podcast by Gary van warmerdan.

His mantra is this:

Awareness is the Pathway to Happiness. Self Awareness or Consciousness is the means to identify and change core beliefs, stop emotional reactions, and develop love and happiness in your relationships.

At first I was like uhhh not really sure what that means but as I listened and started working through the lessons I started to understand exactly what that means.

I loved his breakdown on what is depression to him and that is

Think of our minds as homes when we are born they are somewhat empty and as we go along and grow up we accumulate stories and agreements/ beliefs most of which actually contradict eachother. (That’s the arguing with yourself over things because you believe both it’s hard to decode what’s actually true and what’s made up in your mind.) with all these agreements and beliefs filling our home we become stuck we can’t move because of all those boxes. Our stories control our lives and they begin to suck the life out of us. We expend so much energy fighting our minds on what’s true going through the stories and it ends up paralysing us. We go insane not knowing what to believe in our own minds. It’s almost a lack of housekeeping maintenance that is depression.

That really resonated with me because I didn’t realise that I could challenge the thoughts in my mind and by doing that I can find the truth for myself. That any time I was acting in anger or any negative emotion I was acting in fear. Every damn time. I started realising when I was acting in fear and challenging myself. Why am I really angry, why I am I really crying. What is this resistance holding me back and it was me. It was those beliefs that I’m not good enough, you can’t do it, you’re going to fail why even try. It was all of those beliefs and agreements within myself that were a lie. I am good enough, I may fail but that doesn’t mean I am a failure. Making mistakes and failing is apart of sucess and happiness. I used to think other people were the reason for my unhappiness but the truth is I was the only reason I was unhappy because of those beliefs I had put my faith and energy in I had self sabotaged myself everytime. Just because something happened before doesn’t automatically mean it’s going to happen but if I believe it will then I will make it happen. Our minds are a powerful thing like that and generally whatever we think and put our energy into will be and the only people we have to blame for that is ourselves.

I also learnt that I can’t do it alone, I need help everyone needs help to pull themselves out of it. Your mind is so powerful that you need that support to help remind you that you are strong and that you got this. You need perspective to be an observer I order to see what’s happening.

Another thing I got from this podcast is what the definition for happiness is and that is

Happiness is the measurement of love that we are able to express.

I definitely believe that when I express my love I can’t be anything but happy. It’s what we were created for to love and be loved. Sure it takes time to let that sink in but without love how can we even begin to understand happiness. And only when we can love ourselves can we start to express love to others.

“You can’t love anyone more than you love yourself.” Brene Brown

Think of the happiest memory you have. I guarantee you were expressing love in some way and I guarantee you weren’t feeling angry or shamefull.

So my goal for everyday is to express love. To myself first and foremost I must learn to commit to myself first and then to others. When I love myself I open myself to receive and to reciprocate and only then.

I am a being of love.

[strengthpushingthrough]

Day one of the most bomb life.

Sooo this morning I decided to be present in my life, I decided the only way to find the motivation to finally be happy everyday and find the light in my darkness is to decide to do it, to commit to myself. I realised the most important relationship I will ever have is the one I have with myself and that until I decide to love myself for who and where I am right now I will continue to be so unsatisfied with life in general. This morning I woke up half an hour before I had to and first thing I did at 5 am was think fuck yeh I made it to another day. I got out of bed didn't snooze like I normally do and I danced to my favourite song right now and started what was to be the best day of life so far. Today I chose to love myself and accepted myself for where I am right now in life. I chose to believe in myself and have faith in the uncertainty of life. I said my favourite mantra to myself which is: I promise to love, honour and accept the dark parts of myself. I promise to look for the light, no matter how dim. Depression is a bitch. I'm gonna punch it in the face every damn day. I accept that not everyday will be the happiest day of my life and there will be sadness but aslong as I make the effort to give myself joy and practice gratitude for the things that allow me to find joy. To decide to instead of wait for joy and happiness to come to me. I make it happen and only I am in control of that. In doing this I take the power from the places I have put it and give it back to myself. Today I had the most fucked day at work it was super stressful but yet right now I am the happiest I have ever been. I allowed myself to find joy in the little things. I allowed myself to find the light amungst the darkness and it is an incredible feeling. Today I am greatful that I am alive, I am greatful that I have the power to decide and I am committing to myself. To love, cherish, adore and take care of myself. Today I am greatful.

[strengthpushingthrough]

Im learning

I’m a fixer it’s engrained on my brain I’m sure, my first response to any issue is to find the solution not because I don’t want it to be there but because I care so deeply that I can’t help but want to make any issue disappear to stop the hurt as fast as I can. It’s frustrating and most of the time I feel like I’ve fucked up. Like I didn’t help person I was trying so hard to help and in a lot of instances I somehow make it worse. I am trying so hard to pick a better tool, sometimes it doesn’t need a hammer sometimes all it needs is a bit of tape and love and a hug sometimes all someone really needs is to be validated and told that I understand their pain and that it’s real and they are allowed to feel it that not everything can be fixed in an instant. That sometimes it can feel like I’m not listening and that I don’t want to deal with the pain or hurt. What I actually want is to heal but I need some more tools in my shed I’m learning to be understanding and to listen, I’m learning to take a minute to think about what I say and still I come up to road blocks but that I am aware of what I am doing and I do not mean to make you feel that way I want the opposite. I can understand why people get frustrated with me it’s understandable. I think it stems from shame. As a kid I was shamed left right and centre and I learned guilt and had a conscience from a young age, I hate the feeling of hurting someone so much that I feel hurt that I can’t deal with it if I hurt someone because I know what pain is and I have felt alot of it, I wouldn’t want my worst enemy to feel pain if I could do something about it. It was putting myself in the line of fire to save someone else from it. If I broke someone’s toy I was a bad kid I was rude and disrespectful, if I said the wrong words I was disappointing and disrespectful. I was brought up being told I was defined by my actions by my mistakes. I was blamed for a lot of things and I never felt like someone was proud of me, like I was loved and that my behaviours may have been bad but I am not bad. Guilt used to take me about a week to unravel into depression, to self destruct. The constant shaming and blaming made me start blaming myself for everything. When I hurt someone’s feelings now it’s still really hard to deal with it’s still really hard to stop myself from self destructing but i know now that I have the power to learn from my mistakes that I am not defined by them but what I do after.

[strengthpushingthrough]

The Amygdala hijack

I’ve been seeing a therapist again for about 2 months now and I’ve learnt a lot the biggest thing I think I’ve learn is about the amygdala and why it is called the emotional brain.

By definition this is the Amygdala hijack

An Amygdala Hijack is an immediate and overwhelming emotional response out of proportion to the stimulus because it has triggered a more significant emotional threat. The amygdala is the part of our brain that handles emotions.

Now when I first heard this I went oh okay I get it but this morning on my drive to work it clicked what that was actually was for me.

As I explained in my last post I have ben through a very suicidal portion of my life and everything that led up to it has been stored in my brain library archived deep in there. Once I came out of that depression I was in in high school I still very much at times wanted to kill myself to be real the other night when Bryan said what he said to me over an Easter bunny made me want to get in my car and drive it into a tree. So dramatic I know right but it’s not something I thought I could control until now. You see my brain has a very good memory and it knows exactly what made me feel like killing myself in the first place and that to my emotional brain is a very real threat to my existence.

Side note- the reason we have the Amygdala is it’s our fight/ flight response by definition it is “The amygdala is a section of the brain that is responsible for detecting fear and preparing for emergency events. This lesson discusses the amygdala, its functions, and its role in our perception of fear and other emotions.” Back in the Stone Age it was used to tell us to run for our lives or to fight the danger ahead in perspective it was ment for a saber tooth tiger and not 20th century life. But either way it is our body’s way of protecting us from our brains it doesn’t allow us to think it skips all rational thoughts and sends adrenaline all through our body preparing us for what’s ahead. For me even after I left school and the immediate threat of me killing myself was gone the real source of the pain the I’m not good enough and I have to be perfect pain is still there and what I have realised is my body remembers what that looks like and it has deemed that any person giving me a response that may mean I feel not good enough or that I am not loved or anything that connects it to the source of that initial pain means I become a threat to my self i am my own saber tooth tiger and my body has built responses to protect me from it, from my brain and my thoughts.

After high school it looked like running, I would get drunk with my friends and whenever I was in a bad place and someone said something to me that made me feel not good enough I would feel that urge to just run and I wasn’t in control of it that was my Amygdala telling me there was a threat and that I needed to run so for about 4 years and ask any of my friends who knew me back then because they would chase me I was controlled by the Amygdalas response and I still am, when you get that load of bad news and your body fills with that heavy feeling and you can’t move you’re just crying and shaking it’s the Amygdala it’s the body’s first response to emotional pain. The reason I can’t sleep after I have an argument and need to resolve it is because my Amygdala is telling me I am a threat to myself that if I allow myself to think I will unravel and I will self destruct and I will not survive it, it is responding the same as if you were about to die and that’s why Inturn you feel it. You feel dramatic most times because it’s over something so little but your brain goes through the archives and links all the thoughts you had when you were suicidal and it connects the dots it makes an irrational decision and takes over your body. I believe in the connection between emotional pain and physical pain because I have felt it over and over again because when that is happening I can’t breathe and I can’t think straight I am trying to fill the crack that was just made. That is what causes my depression and my anxiety because now that I know what my body is doing I can calm it down and I can rewrite the way it responds to things.

I am not in high school anymore and I don’t want to kill myself anymore but I’m not going to lie and say there aren’t day’s when I don’t feel In control and I do feel that pain and it does take me back. I am in control of rewiring my brain and understanding myself. I can remove the buzz by reminding my brain that I am not a threat to myself that by opening my mind to new responses and that just because one person made me feel unloved or unwanted doesn’t mean that I am or that that’s what they intended it just a response from my brain going through my archives.

There's also another side to this in which I haven't figured out yet but there's a side that protects us that deems we are unable to comprehend the details in which we are being told and our brain shuts it down when my dad died I felt everything for about 5 seconds and then nothing I my brain deemed I wasn't equiped to deal with this and I was unable to feel anything no pain and no thoughts nothing

[strengthpushingthrough]

The fundamentals of my being

Most days my brain feels like a labyrinth of endless thoughts swirling around and for most of my life it has felt that way. I am a thinker, I think all day every day and even in my sleep. I have lived with Anxiety and Bouts of Depression since I can remember and ill live with it until i die. That being said I have let it control every emotion and outcome of every situation, confrontation and even just simple conversations. Until now.

I think it always starts at the beginning i mean thats what a beginning is for right? what i mean is i think the way we think, feel, communicate, love and express ourselves and our personality and temperament are all decided before we even leave the womb and from there its dependant on our environment and  parents providing a nurturing and stable upbringing in order for us to develop in a way that is healthy. I alike many others was not given that and as much as i enjoyed my childhood breaking it down little by little i can see exactly where things when wrong and why i keep running into the walls i the built against this world. Its time to tear them down and dissect myself piece by piece.

Perfection and what it means to me

I have always been kind of a loner and have always found myself searching for that person thats going to stay. I think Perfection has been built up as this thing that will provide happiness for me sort of like a life goal. “If I'm not perfect people are always going to leave or i wasn't good enough, i wasn't perfect.” instead of having a healthy goal and striving for it i developed my own self destruction. I think it started out as “If someone didn't want to be friends with me” i wouldn't think well maybe theres something wrong with them or thats their issue. i developed the habit of blaming myself of looking inwards and looking for the imperfections that caused that person to not like me. I developed a little voice telling me i was the reason, that came from the constant bullying about my appearance of looking like a “boy” dressing in what i was comfortable with rather than what little girls were supposed to look like and it wasn't easy. I developed this from the comments from the kids at school and it seemed everywhere else too. At home it was “put something nice on and look like a girl for a change” like being comfortable in my own skin wasn't the most important thing, it was “ if you don't want to be teased dress like a girl” so i did i conformed and i learnt to be what society wanted me to be so i would be liked. but even that had its limits, that only gets you so far. it also destroys your self worth and tells you that people don't want the real you. I learnt to strive for perfection because to me if i could be perfect people would like me and i would find the person that would stay. growing up with this mindset saw me develop unhealthy attachments to clothes, shoes and material things because in school all the cool kids had all the cool stuff so surely thats what made them cool. Perfect skin is another one of these things, its like where taught from a young ago from the magazines and tv shows and movies that we must strive for that perfect skin and hairless body that anything else is disgusting. High school made me feel like my life was a joke. I had braces and pimples and i was not one of those tall girls with boys falling all over them and I'm ashamed of the way i talked to myself day in day out. I would get asked out by boys only to be dumped a minute later because who would want to go out with me. People didnt care about me I was someone to be laughed at. I was a joke. by now i had developed a sense that i was only beautiful if a boy said so and even then he could change his mind. I had a sense that i had to find validation from others, that i was more or less obsessed with trying to be perfect. How could anybody love me if i was broken, i got to the end of that with they won't and i lost interest in everything i became depressed, i wanted to die, i just wanted this pain to end. I would self destruct so much nobody even needed to say anything horrible to me i was saying it to myself from the moment i woke up and i didnt sleep i just thought about ways to end it over and over, i struggled to get out of bed in the morning so much so i wouldn't have time to do anything but get dressed and brush my teeth and be out the door. Weekends became endless days of sleeping to escape my mind and the vicious circle kept on loop. Leaving school and getting a job made this a lot better although and people weren't as horrible as they were in school and i learnt to find happiness in small things, but my strive for perfection was still there and was until about a week ago until i realised i was only enabling my self destructive side by doing that and things have changed. I feel like i opened the flood gates to the good in life. Perfection has been a rope around my neck for years and it is nothing but the most destructive word in the world. Today I am Learning to accept my imperfections because they are what make me fundamentally unique they are apart of me and i am taking control of my rebuild. I am Enough, i am more than enough for me.

My Fears

My Biggest fears are Rejection and Failure.

Rejection for me this is simply a crippling fear, it keeps my words hidden. I have in some ways found that i can put myself in positions where i could be rejected and faced this many times, because for me the risk of not living and experiencing is far worse than being rejected. So i will make the first move, i will  initiate intimate situations, i will say hello first i try to push past this fear so much but it still holds me back in so many areas.. its linked to not being good enough and perfection because if i do get rejected i will look inwards and i will self destruct. Failure is a similar fear and i think its all linked back to those feelings of hurt kept the deepest.

What I’m learning

For me i am learning that the only way to get out of my depressed mindset is to figure out what the deepest issue is thats causing it. Writing is helping so much and its a release I've never had before i feel like i am empty when I'm done and my brain can finally relax the anxious buzzing goes away and i can breathe again. I read a book Called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown a couple weeks ago and this one tip she gave me has changed my life. she talks about how she gets anxious and how to only way to stop the horrible crippling control of anxiety for her was to bring light to the Gremlins. ‘Side note here The movie the Gremlins who would come out in the darkness and could only be destroyed by the light’ its the same concept when you have the anxious feelings taking over your body step back and say okay right now right in this moment whats the issue  this is bringing light to the darkness controlling you. Usually its something small and easily fixable when you take away everything but the current moment and it really made me think.

Anxiety- This is the fear and worry about the future.

Depression- This is the inability to let go of the anger and guilt associated with the past.

For me Depression is very much the Anger and Guilt of the past, Its also environmental.

Bryan he was a source of depression for me but it was actually the feelings that were associated with it and once i was able to bring light to what was making me feel it, it went away. I have been very angry at him for a very long time and working towards forgiveness has helped manage it.

I know when I'm depressed and i now know how to manage it. it may never go away but knowing how to keep it from controlling me makes a world of difference. its the same with my anxiety.

I have also learnt to Meditate i have a mantra in which i say over and over in my head every morning for 20 mins and before bed for 20 mins this really has helped me to relax and gain control over my thoughts. sometimes my mind wanders throughout the meditation and as it does i bring my attention back to this mantra, it has helped me in situations where i feel those anxious and depressed feelings taking over and without thinking about it i stop and bring myself back to the current moment and i am able to figure out what really is bothering me.

This is my mantra

I am my skin in which i fit

I am this seat in which i sit

I am the sun warm on my face

I am the stones that pave this place

I am all trees that gives me shade

I am all grasses each single blade

I am the fresh milk in my glass

I am the cloud that make to pass

i am fur, feather, nail, beak and claw

i am heart and soul and so much more

I am earth, air, water, wind and fire

I am the sum of sexual desire

I am the eternal galactic tune

i am the planets , stars and moon

I am everything, yet nothing at all

i am a dancer at the universal ball

i am here, gone, yet here again

I am wild and free, all-knowing and tame

I am at peace in a state of elation

I am at one with the act of creation

I also have list of Affirmations on my mirror and i read them aloud to myself in the mirror before i leave for the day. Reality for me is that i am in control of my life, love and the pain i suffer. I choose to see the good and life is what i make it.

I believe in how powerful our minds are and if i can make myself feel the horrible pain because of habit and words then it is proven i can rewire my brain to find the positive as habit. This is a long journey we call life and i believe in the power of myself. if you think about it i think we all give the power of validation to others and when someone says something it can either make us feel good or bad and that can change our entire day so if i am kind to myself i will intern feel good.

The last month has been some intense soul searching, looking to the depths of my being in order to understand myself in any way I can. I think the way its going i can say that 2017 is the year i find myself in the darkest corners of my brain and breakdown the giant wall i have built to protect me.. it hasn't protected me from anything but the acceptance and love that i deserve to give myself. So heres to the start, to taking the steps in the right direction, to growing expenentially through experiencing life as myself and validating that i am whole and i have a light bright enough to light fires in the darkest of places, to endless possibilities, and to wake up everyday with the mindset that I have the power to do anything i can think of.

Peace out

[strengthpushingthrough]

Love.

I've been running my mind on overtime lately and writing has actually been really helping me to see things on paper and express how I'm feeling today I was trying to figure out how relationships start and how exactly I came to fall Inlove and what that means to me..I know the answer but when you think about it why do you love someone? Just sit with it and think about it.. most of the time you're like because I love them but it's more than that it's almost like having a stranger put in effort to get to know you and when they know dark sides of you and still like you and even develop feelings of love you feel this validation of yourself that you are loveable and that you can love and I feel that is the high or feeling of euphoria of falling Inlove with that person because really we are falling Inlove with ourselves and this person makes us feel that is okay and it feels really damn good. I feel that when there are breakdowns it's because that person not necessarily on purpose but they show us cracks in ourselves too in areas we need to love ourself more in and I think we get hurt when we see those cracks I think it hurts to see ourselves as anything but whole and it's scary in relationships we are dependant as much as we want to stay independent we become codependent and that person becomes codependent on us it's scary and we don't want anyone to have the power to hurt us so we protect ourselves and shutdown we put the walls back up and in doing that we leave ourselves going back in the position we started in.. we need relationships they are apart of human life and I think we forget that this human we let in really does love us and they don't mean to hurt us.. sometimes they don't even know because our reactions to everything are only a reflection of our own perspective and perception we can only feel how we have felt in the past unless we open ourselves to learning and growing to having an open mind and understanding the other person and I think it's a life long journey. we will always hit these roadblocks no matter who we are with but it's what we decide to do next that ultimately decides our fate. It's a connection between a past hurt and the current hurt and it's a reflection of our fears and we see ourselves making the same mistakes or feeling the same way we have in the past and we go nope this person is the reason and I want nothing to do with them they hurt me and we associate them with hurt that inturn stops us feeling the love and intimacy their trying to provide because we have told ourselves this person is going to hurt me. You know what tho, they will but not on purpose we are humans we make mistakes and the way forward is forgiveness we need to be understanding Inorder to grow we need to have an open mind in order to learn and I believe it's the same with relationships.We can only forgive when we believe they are not going to hurt us again but they will and they can't help it. be understanding because it's something that everyone does and it's not the fact that they hurt you it's how you react that changes things. "Treat others only how you wish to be treated" When someone hurts us and we blame them because of our reactions it's not always them that hurt us and if we can step back and understand the very first time we felt this hurt and how we have been conditioned because of it we can understand that we hold onto little hurts from everything. From when we were kids to now and I think most of the time it's the deepest hurts not the surface things that are the true issue and the true source of the pain and if we choose to understand why we react the way we do to certain things we can learn to love ourselves more and to let go of our fears because the truth is until you are willing to do that anybody in your life is capable of hurting you in the deepest sense but that anyone can also love you in the deepest sense too and it is your choice wether you see your hurts as something you're holding onto or something to grow and learn from figure out why that really hurt your feelings and you will become stronger and you will be able to push past those walls standing in your way. I'm not saying life's going to be perfect I am just saying that were not ment to stay in the same position but if we choose to blame and to be hurt rather than trying to understand and forgiving we will not grow and we will not learn we will keep making the same mistakes over and over until we do I know I have.. For me to love someone means to care, support, trust show affection, to make their life easier, to make them smile and laugh no matter how they treat you. No matter what you get in return love is not selfish or judgmental it just accepting and understanding it is loyal beyond betrayal. No person is defined by their actions and everyone deserves forgiveness. Life is not easy we all have our weaknesses but that we are much better off with love in our hearts and light in our lives and for aslong as I live I will continue to grow and learn and be the brightest light for those who need it. I love because that is what I was made for because without it I feel empty and that I feel most loved when I love others not the other way around. To me love is an act as well as an emotion and to show someone you care and to make their lives better is the greatest gift of all. I feel I love a person more when I show them love it makes me want to give more and falling Inlove to me is an eternal circle of that love giving. Forgiving is easy it only takes one day, resentment now that's hard that takes energy and you have to do it every day all day. I don't wish to live with hate and resent in my heart I want to fill it with love I am here to serve the people. "You cannot love somebody anymore than you love yourself" Brene Brown.

[strengthpushingthrough]

Bryan

Tonight ugh fuck me honestly I'm so done with being an easy target.

Today i started a book I've been wanting to for months and it was really exhausting feeling that pain again but it was really good to get it out. I needed to regain my thoughts so i went for a drive and blasted some sleeping with sirens and cried and yeh it was good and i felt calm and ready to go home and have dinner and get ready for bed but no that wasn't the plan for me tonight obviously.. i walk in the door and serve myself up some indian don't speak a word to anyone minding my own business and bryan is going to get some chocolate or ice-cream from the shops and tailor asks what he's getting and instead of just saying what he was getting he had to add “ na not chocolate theres plenty of easter eggs in the bottom draw” while this comment seems not that bad its not just a comment and that bottom draw and the contents is mine and he knows it. i said why did you have to add that it really wasn't nice and you know why and he laughed and said aww cmon why can't you just take a joke. 

Well heres why i can't just take a joke

1.He knows this draw full of goodies is mine but continually goes into it and eats what he pleases and then pursues the excuse oh i didn't know it was yours sorry. he's not sorry hell probably do it again everyday this week.. why because he doesn't give a fuck about anyone but himself he has no respect for me or anyone else in the house. 

2. because hell apologise about it at some point only because he knows I'm pissed off and upset he probably doesn't even know why tho and he doesn't care to find out either. all his apologies are like this and i know he's not sorry because hell do it again.

3. this isn't the first time this has happened and he knows every time it happens i get upset and tell him repeatedly please don't eat whats in my draw, every fucking time he jokes about it like its no big deal and everytime  makes me feel like i am nothing to him and that really doesn't care.

4. theres more i just think you get the point by now

Today was already hard enough and i honestly don't know why he even had to add that comment other than to make me feel like shit after i did nothing i literally didnt speak a word to him all weekend yet i am still the one who gets this shit and I'm also the one who gets looked at like I'm over reacting every damn time its fucking enough already I'm so sick of being the easy target, what did i ever do to make you treat me like this. 

Ever since my little sister was born 17 years ago i have been the punching bag i have been an outlet to his anger and its not fair. i have endured physical and verbal abuse as a child and really it still continues today the only reason he doesn't touch me is because i told him when i turned 18 if you ever fucking touch me ill call the police and ill get you put away. 

its the little things he gets me with and i honestly didnt get it until now but its about respect and love. i am human being and i don't understand why you can't show me love why am i so hard to love. everyday he says hello in this fucking annoying voice and i think I've asked him to stop about a million times but he never does and it never stops irritating me..we once sat down as a family and went around the table and said nice things about each other i went first and was able to find things about everyone but when it was his turn he said ‘ i can't think I anything i like about you and i shit you not i was about 9 or 10! A massive confidence builder to the loner child i was, seriously its stuck with me since that day and it still hurts. Who does that to a child. 

Its not just an innocent joke its a constant reminder that you do not love me and that you don't care enough to give me the decent respect a human being deserves every damn time so don't fucking tell me i can't take a joke. i can take a joke you're just not funny you're hurting me.

[strengthpushingthrough]

Happiness

I’ve never been much of a writer but now that I’ve started I can’t seem to stop.. I’ve always found it hard defining how I feel but happiness is something I find very easy to define.. It's not the end of the road for me its the journey. Happiness for me is in the air in every breath it’s more of a state of mind of positivity and pure joy. Happiness is the sound that rain makes and the smell after the first rain in a long drought of summer, it’s in making other people smile and making them feel loved and important, it’s in the eyes of the one who holds your heart it’s in every moment if you let it.. I feel like sometimes we are conditioned to think that happiness is a place or that we can attain it like a trophy but we can’t because if we look at it in the sense it’s something that can be held we will miss it every time.. The journey of life brings so many opportunities of happiness and joy and they are the small moments they are meeting with a friend and talking over coffee, that first step into the ocean on a warm day, the feeling you get while driving in your car singing at the top of your lungs or on a road trip being completely yourself to me they are moments to be remembered and cherished and without the journey we have no way to capture them.. My happiness is life and it’s taken me a long time to figure it out.. I know there will be pain but, I know that after a storm is a rainbow you must keep pushing in order to see it.

[strengthpushingthrough]

Today i felt dumb again

Im not even going to try and get the grammar right because if i do ill never get this out it'll cause me so much anxiety that its not perfect that ill just delete it so please be patient with me

I am an introverted Perfectionist who struggles with ADHD and Dyslexia... writing is one of my biggest struggles because most of the time i feel like i make no sense and since forever i have felt misunderstood. I have always struggled to communicate and because of my introverted nature writing would be so much fucking easier to get shit out but honestly if i wanted to write someone i cared about a letter with more than 5 fucking sentences it would take me a good 5 tries and by the second I'm done and I've given up on it so a lot of my shit just gets bottled up its honestly a lot of effort to try and explain how i feel and get the spelling, grammar and what i actually feel onto paper without smashing my head into a wall in the process but today for the first time in my life i am trying get this out and not care if its perfect or not. I'm done feeling trapped in my brain going over and over all these things and getting great stuff done in my head but not being able to actually get it out. here goes..

Today i felt dumb again, i tried so hard to explain something and I'm not sure that even worked but different than most days i cracked and for about 2 hours at work and on the way home i cried and i mean hysterically sobbing and loudly eww was not my finest moment. but i have been doing a lot of work with myself over the past month and this day different than another i said to myself why is this hurting so bad and i figured it out...because I'm not dumb I'm incredibly intelligent and nobody knows it because i put myself down and tell myself to think small because I'm not smart enough because thats what i have been told by everybody in my life..just do whats in your range..you’re not going to be able to do that or thats gonna be too hard for you.. in school i struggled with english and maths and in year 11 and 12 i was told by my advisor that i wouldn't be able to handle university subjects because i just wasn't smart enough. In primary school i got put in special classes before school for my dyslexia and yes it helped mend a gap in some areas but it was a quick fix for something that would continue to affect me my entire life.. to this day i still can't read a clock face or tell 24 hour time and i can't do simple math in my head because of a learning disability not because I'm not smart enough...i don't learn the way normal people do and none gets it, i have been told I'm just lazy that i need to try harder or that i didn't study enough.. i don't learn simple concepts because i don't understand the concept i can't just understand something based on what someone has said i am a physical learner and damn i have made my fair of mistakes.. i have issues with being impulsive and self-control i get distracted easily and i get bored if i know I'm going to fuck something up so many little things that affect my daily life and its exhausting.. 

most of the time i get confused with be extremely extroverted because of my talkative, high energy, impulsive, reactive, sociable characteristics but really there either a trait of my adhd or just a way i have learnt to fit in..but i am definitely not .. i require a lot of alone time and most of it is while i work people don't realise i actually love the solitude of driving all day it allows me to think and i think a lot about everything and anything.. i have big dreams and i have a really great memory.. i am the observer at parties and social situations..i have athough created little tricks to help me get through them i commit to saying hello first to stop awkwardness and little things like that i am socially awkward but i am good at hiding it most of the time..i don't care for surface relationships i truely crave intellectual conversations to feel connected to peopled only then do i feel happy to have the small talk.. Talking is also a big thing because i struggle so much with writing i have found a way to communicate without causing myself a mental breakdown i don't want to confuse this with confrontation although because ii struggle with that more so than anything.. but i am trying really bloody hard to work on these things and figure out a way to find balance..

i know i am confusing and i know a lot of people think i am looking for attention but all i really am trying to be is understood, i mean what i say when i say things and i dont have have hidden agendas hiding in my words please take my words for face value i don't try to blame or play games I'm just me trying to be me..

Todays my first step in the journey of many.