stressbakingbitty - Tumblr blog

[stressbakingbitty]

anyway jack and kent totally made out at that party,

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smh has a party where they all dress as their sexual awakening. it's funny at first until all three of the frogs show up dressed as jack at which point it becomes hilarious

[stressbakingbitty]

kent

[stressbakingbitty]

light the lamp

two fics in two weeks who AM I

“Daddy?”

Engrossed as he is in editing a couple of photos for the bakery’s Instagram, the sound of his daughter’s tiny voice makes Bitty jump about a foot in the air. Sophie’s standing in the doorway to their bedroom when he looks, blanket trailing behind her, rubbing at one sleepy eye.

“Hi, sugar,” he says, a little faintly, resisting the urge to clutch at his metaphorical pearls. Every day that passes lately makes him understand his mama better and better. He gives Sophie a cursory once-over—no blood, no broken bones, no tears—and feels his heartbeat subside in his throat. The worst he can say is that her pajamas are getting to be a little too small. “What’s the matter?”

She scuffs one foot nervously on the carpet. “Are you still taking me to Papa’s game on Saturday?”

read the rest on ao3 <3

[stressbakingbitty]

Round Four, Bracket 6

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You know when you stick sparklers in your hat while trying to impress your boyfriend and accidentally set your hair on fire? (Happy Kent Parson Day!)

[stressbakingbitty]

i know in my heart that tater listens to female rappers like doja cat, megan thee stallion, cardi b, saweetie, etc. he loves their music and he definitely plays it in the car, before games, and secretly queues it up at parties and stuff. it drives snowy up the wall and mildly amuses the rest of the falconers (unless he plays it around marty or thirdy’s children).  *tater messing with the sound system*

“fuck being good i’m a bad bitch! i’m sick of motherfuckers tryna tell me how to live!” (aka ‘‘girls in the hood” starts playing)

snowy: gODDAMMIT TATER

[stressbakingbitty]

jack doesn’t miss the draft, is closeted and lonely so he subscribes to college student bitty’s onlyfans

(explicit text ahead... obviously)

jack doesn't know about onlyfans.

he really doesn't, but one day, he happens on a recipe website for a more interesting kind of chicken tenders, because it's getting kind of boring, and when he gets through the comments, he sees that people aren't exactly happy with the results of this recipe. "e. rick's recipe is so much better! he has it on his blog!"

so jack writes that name down in google search, and finds 1. a mostly empty twitter, 2. an old blog with 2-3 recipes, none of which are chicken tenders, 3. an onlyfans.

cooking... fans?

but yeah, this must be where the new blog is, and jack has to pay to access it, which also makes sense, because how much do you usually earn with a normal recipe website? if the food is that good, he doesn't mind spending a few bucks per month for it.

he creates his profile - laurent carter, his usual fake name, and when he land's on e's profile, he gapes.

so, not a cooking website.

jack closes the app. then opens it up, after a minute or two.

it's a bit like an... instagram, but a bit more racy. there are mostly pictures, never showing a face, just- shoulders, chest, groin, legs, ass. and he's athletic. jack can see that. the pictures emphasize that.

it does stay tasteful, and a few pictures are definitely artistic. those catch jack's attention - the lighting, the quality of the camera, it's clear that e is not taking those himself. but there are a couple of iphone ones too, less pin-upy, more explicit. the outline of an erection in a jean. a picture taken in a mirror, showing the underside curve of his ass, just under his loose hoodie. always suggestive. (and jack understands. it works. it works even more than outright porn.)

he swallows, opens the little chat because there's no way in hell he's going to find that recipe here, and writes, Hey. Do you still have that recipe for chicken tenders?

at samwell, bitty's just done with his classes for the day, when he receives the notification. he sighs, because he doesn't really like receiving onlyfans messages - he's not into dirty talking the people who follow him, which is usually what they want. he opens the app, and stares at the message for a long, long time. a smile breaks on his face.

they get chatting. it's a surprisingly normal conversation for the type of content e is putting out there. but jack does enjoy it, even though he doesn't get the recipe - e lost is somewhere, and he's going to take some time later to type it back for jack. or well, for laurent.

outside of messaging, jack tries not to go on e's onlyfans. and miserably fails. he likes the conversation - they're chirping each other back and forth, about food, more often than not ("chicken tenders, really? how old are you?" - "old enough to be on here." and then: "25, if you want to know.") (because the internet is full of creeps and jack doesn't want to sound like a creep.) about photography (e is a model for his artist friend taking a photography seminar) and about hockey. because e plays. of course. so, they're kind of... friends? until the day e posts a picture of his ass in a jockstrap (not the hockey kind), as he's lying down on his bed, the small of his back suggestively curved. it's not a big ass by all means, but it's... cute. jack wants to touch it. bite it.

he closes the app as soon as the thought manifests. what he can't really stop is visualizing it as he jerks off in the shower, later that day.

fuck, he's got a crush on a... porn person.

it would be pathetic as hell if jack wasn't making friends at the moment. but shitty has taken him out a few times since he finished college (they met when shitty was doing a paper on toxic masculinity in the hockey world), and then, shitty showed up at a game with two friends, both wearing jack's number - lardo and bitty.

as much as jack doesn't like going out, he does enjoy that little group's company. during their first night out together, lardo goes after shitty to fetch drinks, and bitty leans in towards jack with a meaningful look, their shoulders brushing. "lord, how long do you bet before these two figure things out?" and jack stares at lardo and shitty, and goes oh.

after that, when they meet up, lardo and shitty are inevitably getting closer and closer, which leaves bitty and jack together. it's not a burden - jack likes bitty. bitty is fun. bitty is interesting. bitty makes him smile. that's always a good feeling.

until jack goes to reply to e, one evening, and lands on a short video of e wearing a hockey jersey, his erection poking against the fabric as he changes the angle of his body. a falconer's jersey. and he's facing the camera, so jack can't really see if it's his number (there are no chances it is, though), but it's easy enough to imagine, and so he slips his hand in his sweatpants and jerks off right then and there, eyes on his phone.

"a falconer's fan, eh?" - "oh lord, I bought that as a halloween costume." - "who did you go as?" - "this is embarrassing, but... jack zimmermann."

so it was his jersey. tabarnak. which doesn't mean e likes jack zimmermann. well, him.

"I've heard he's an asshole." (e takes a long time to reply) "he's not! he really isn't. he looks a bit stiff during interviews, but that's how all hockey players are, if you don't know. I'm sure it's only because he wants to do things right. he's... passionate."

jack smiles. okay.

jack catches himself smiling at bitty, one day, as bitty is telling him about how practice went. and fuck. because crushing on a random internet person is kind of... fine, because it's not like anything is going to happen, crushing on your friend, who is definitely out of your league, is a whole other deal. bitty is walking proof that jack isn't good at any of this.

on the other hand, he gets closer to e. and e seems to enjoy talking with him - enough that he tells jack how to get a snapchat, and exchanges his contact with him. so now, jack has erb1995 on his phone, which he can send texts and pictures to.

they keep on chatting there. one late night, jack learns that e doesn't have a boyfriend, but that he'd like to. "doesn't seem like you'd have any problem finding one," jack writes. e is young, in college, sweet, interesting and hot. "I know, I know, but... I really like this one guy. and he doesn't even know I exist. or he does, but he's straight. lord, sorry, I don't even know why I'm telling you this." - "he's missing out, then." - "😊"

e's onlyfans just gets more and more explicit. until one day, jack goes to bed in his hotel room to the sight of e, legs open, two fingers stuck in his ass.

around christmas, late at night again, jack receives a new snap message: "lord Im bored" - "you okay?" - "not rlly, date just threw up onmy shoes 😩" - "sorry" - ";__; do u like me?" - "yeah?" - "I mean physically. u never said." - "yeah." / "I'm still on your onlyfans, aren't I?" / "you're hot."

jack isn't sure what this is all about, but maybe e needs a bit of comfort because he's crushing on a straight guy and his date just threw up on him. e replies with a snap, of his naked collarbone, shoulder and neck, blushing red.

another snap, thirty second later, where e unzips the front of his jeans, bringing his erection out, tugging at it a few times, with a winking emoji sticking in one corner.

"fuck" - "u like that, sweetie?" - "yeah. you're really hot."

this isn't onlyfans, this is just for him. he's- sexting. with a stranger. kind of. fuck fuck fuck.

another snap, of e really going at it now, his hand blurry over his dick, little breathing sounds in the phone's speaker, and jack replays it a few times as he jerks himself off along.

"fuck, you made me come." - "rlly?" - "yeah" - "can I see? 😳" - "... seriously?" - "fair is fair, mister 😤"

and yeah- he's right. so jack takes a snap of his chest, his abs covered in come, and his now-soft dick, and sends it to e.

"😳😳😳😳😳" - "what?" - "ur not what I expected" - "what did you expect?" - "I do porn on the internet, laurent, you could be anyone. seventy. or... not a hunk." - "you already know I'm 25. what's a hunk?" - "a man whos an superhero actor in hiding. please tell me youre not captain america." - "I'm not an actor. and I'm canadian." - "as if i couldn't recognize chris evan's chest on sight. captain canada, then. happy to have served queen and country. 😌" - "you're not canadian." - "what I am is going to sleep, captain obvious. sleep well. 😘"

it's not... the last time that happens.

in the meanwhile, bitty distances himself a bit from jack. it's the spring semester, which is hard enough, jack understands, but he also wonders if he did something wrong. did he?

until the day jack gets on e's onlyfans, and sees the latest - and longest video that's been posted on there recently. it's a shot taken from above, of e's shoulder, chest and neck, flushed red as his arm moves in a recognizable way, his hand outside of the frame, the movement accompanied with a characteristic wet sound as he touches himself. jack doesn't even think about it and jerks himself off - the video is long enough, in real time, that pressure is building up just as e makes a few guttural sounds, the wet sounds speeding up. jack closes his eyes, trying to think about nothing in particular, until he hears his name -- "jack!" -- and orgasms to the thought of eric bittle calling out his name.

he calms his breathing down, sitting on top of his bed, for a few moments, until his eyes spring open. it's not a thought that came from him. sure, bitty has been the subject of a few fantasies lately, but jack wouldn't imagine this.

so he rewinds the video, places his ear against it, and then and there, between two quick breaths, his name.

a lot of people are called jack. it could be any other jack on earth. but then. but then.

but then, the puzzle pieces come together. e likes cooking. e plays hockey. e is from the south. not still in the south, like jack thought, but from the south. he has his jersey. a video that came up a few days after bitty went to his first game with shitty. his onlyfans name is e. rick for fuck's sake. oh, fuck.

and what about e saying he's crushing on a straight guy? doesn't that mean- no. it can't. jack shouldn't go there.

a few days later, bitty comes to the game, and jack still doesn't know if he should make himself known or not. what if bitty takes it badly? that he and jack have been... fooling around, anonymously. bitty might not even like jack. their friendship might be done over this.

but then, jack sees bitty, small and athletic and beaming at him, and the first thing that escapes jack's lips is, "you still haven't given me that chicken tenders recipe."

shock on bitty's face. then, understanding. "oh my god. oh my god, you're- you're...! oh my god, I've seen you naked!"

bitty is so red, jack laughs. "I've seen you naked too, if that makes things better."

it kind of does. bitty is still so, so red, so jack explains how he didn't know until a few days ago, wasn't even sure until now. and bitty seems so embarrassed, until he looks up at jack. "so... do you want me to cook those chicken tenders for you?"

they end up at jack's place. they're nervous in the car, and once they get to jack's apartment, bitty nearly jumps on him, closing the distance between their lips. it's a scorching first kiss, until jack breaks them apart. "what about the chicken tenders?"

and bitty laughs, and laughs, because he didn't come here to cook, lord, no, that was just an excuse, but now he's go the confirmation that jack isn't a creep just using him for sex, that he's just an awkward, silly boy really into chicken tenders. and into eric bittle.

[stressbakingbitty]

For @displayheartcode

Headcanons for the Bittle-Zimmerman farmhouse:

Bitty keeps a garden. He plays Beyoncè for his heirloom tomatoes. The strawberries are Swifties. His herb garden prefers whatever Spotify playlist Jack uses when he goes on his morning runs. Jack started talking to the basil in French. Bitty ended up making pesto.

The kitchen takes up half the first floor. It’s the heart of the house. Clearly. It has a big stone fireplace that Bitty has used to cook things. Jack has pizza delivery on speed dial when Bitty announces he’s going to cook in the fireplace. It always smells like freshly baked bread. Bitty’s sourdough starter is named Blanche. Like the Golden Girl. She’s a sassy bitch. There’s a sitting area and breakfast nook. If they have parties, everyone gravitates toward the kitchen. It has a door that leads directly to Bitty’s hothouse. The kitchen is painted butter-yellow. There is more than one oven.

Jack found the dilapidated farmhouse while he was taking a drive to clear his head one weekend. He liked the wraparound porch. He pulled into the drive and instantly saw Bitty and a couple of kids cavorting in the yard. He put an offer on it the next day.

The wall of the staircase has Jack’s photos on it. Mostly black and white photos. The mantle of the living room fireplace is crowded with family photos. Most of them are candid shots.

There are six bedrooms, four full bathrooms, and two powder rooms. Tater practically lives there during the off-season. Ransom, Holster, Chowder, Nursey, and Dex call it Haus 3.0. Nursey finished his first novel in one of the guest rooms.

Alicia and Suzanne helped pick out the furniture. It looks nice, but can withstand an entire NHL team celebrating a Stanley Cup win.

There’s a photo of Patrick, their youngest, recreating Jack’s first encounter with the Stanley Cup during his first encounter with the Stanley Cup. In all fairness to Patrick, he was only 3 months old.

Jack built an outdoor kitchen for barbecues. Bitty uses it to can his jams.

Jack learned food photography. He does the photos for Bitty’s cookbooks, but uses a pseudonym. (His first and middle initials and his paternal grandmother’s maiden name.) All the photos are done in the kitchen, dining room, or the back deck/outdoor kitchen.

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jack starts masking less frequently the longer he's in the nhl and he and bitty are out, and after a while journos and reporters start calling attention to clips of him flapping on the ice after a goal or smiling big and head shaking at a charity thing with kids or making brrrrpprpprppr pspspsps sounds with his lips at a presser and jack just does not. give a solitary FUCK anymore. he's spent so long trying to keep all the actions under control but he has healed so much and eventually gets to a place where he genuinely says "fuck it" and stims exactly as much as he wants to, all the time. and he wiggles his fingers and squints his eyes with a gigantic smile every time he sees bitty right after a game. when he gets to hang out with shitty he spends the entire time leading up to it doing piano fingers on his thighs because he's excited. when lardo has an exhibition he walks around and pauses to rock while he looks at every work, because he's so proud and impressed.

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yeah, no, for sure

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jack-shitty-lardo coparenting household where somehow jack is still completely in the closet just bc i think maximizing the layers of possible miscommunication as poor bitty tries to figure out whether this guy is into dudes and/or single is fucking hilarious to me 

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post college polycule happens when bitty is like "i love living with jack but this bitch is truly never home and if im left to my own devices long enough without school and hockey or even a normal 9 to 5 job to structure my days i will simply go insane" and so lardo and shitty are like "move in to haus 2.0 part time" and bitty is like "no. but yes ❤" and he does and then bitty has two houses and jack is jealous because he wants to live at haus 2.0 too why wasn't he invited >:( he lived in haus 1.0 first no fair >:( and so ransom and holster are like "move in too" and jack is like yeah ok. and then one night they're all cuddle puddling watching a movie and lardo is like "i think all of us should explore each other's bodies"

[stressbakingbitty]

jack has been autistic for 31 whole years so here's some autistic headcanons :))

he was diagnosed as a kid but didn't have a good grasp on what it really meant/that there were other people like him until adulthood

most people that know he's autistic have only really guessed but he's outright told bitty, lardo and shitty

he has so many stim toys! his fave is a spinner ring but he loves those silicone bubble popper things for meetings when he needs something quiet

he grinds his teeth from stress so the hockey mouthguard is actually great for him lol & he gets one to use while he's sleeping too. bitty also gets him stim toys for chewing which helps

he used to repress stims like rocking & verbal stims to appear more "normal" but as he gets older he learns to mask less and just stim when he needs/wants to

he has a huuuge issue with masking leading to burnout so he needs a lot of decompression time after socializing or press events

he is Constantly drinking water & gatorade bc feeling dehydrated/dry mouth is a big sensory no-no for him

he has safe foods (chicken tenders & pbj) and has a hard time trying new adventurous foods but always trusts bitty & likes eating what bitty makes bc he knows if it's a bad sensory time for him, bitty won't be offended & will even work to make it better

he loves hockey in part because of all the rituals & it feels like a subsection of social rules he can understand

another part of hockey he loves? it attracts weird fucking people who get his weird fucking brain

he LOVES strategy board games & will read the whole rulebook & annoy others (holster) by reciting from it at any given opportunity

he's Really focused on some things (hockey, bitty, school) and not so much on other things (remembering to clean, remembering people's birthdays, etc) so he sets a lot of phone reminders and uses habitica for habits, tasks & to-do lists

he only has a few outfits bc he's particular about clothes textures and likes old, soft shirts and jeans (same with his shoes. they're comfy! they're predictable! who cares if they're not Fashion)

he can get lost in a youtube documentary hole for Hours. if he finds something interesting enough he'll go on wikipedia and click around and read about it too

he has scripts for interviews & press conferences and rarely strays from them unless he's asked an unexpected question (see: "hockey is a fun sport. don't be afraid to get out there on the ice. i guess.")

he collects vintage coins & hockey memorabilia & gets way too into it bc he's a nerd with nerdy hyperfixations

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it is.... his birthday. his day of birth if you will. this is the face of a man who is now 31 years old

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dex never went to samwell au where nursey is constantly trying to get his best friend, san jose sharks goalie chowder, to set him up with his celebrity crush, boston bruins dex, despite how many times chowder explains to him that just bc they’re both in the nhl doesn’t mean he knows dex or has ever talked to the man.  in a fit of desperation and/or annoyance, chowder just tweets at dex “my friend has the hugest crush on you, dm me.”  and Dex does