struggling-to-find-home

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I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. want to die. I want to die. I want to die.

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Snippets of my day in practicals: shadowing the clinic's surgeon edition

Charge nurse, seeing us already on EKG duty like 10 minutes before we're supposed to start: Awwwww, it's so nice that you are here already! You guys want to go bother the surgeon instead of doing this?

**

Surgeon: Damn, you should have gotten here at 8 am, you missed a growth extraction

Me, who was there at 8 am, drawing blood on the other half of the clinic: ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ

**

Patient: *comes in*

Patient: *complaint over inflammation and pain in big toe*

(Later, examination room)

Me: *sees the skin be an unnatural purplish colour* Ah... Definitely not how normal skin looks

Me: *sees the nurse poke the toe with skin over the inflammation bobbing up and down as if there's liquid under it instead of muscle and bone* Welp, that's not how human flesh is meant to work

It was cellulitis. We had to send him to the hospital after explaining that yes, his leg slowly dissolving into pus from the inside out is reason to go to the hospital, like, now.

The next patient came in because she was worked up over a callous. The duality of medicine, I guess.

**

Me & my practicals comrade, looking at patient with an abscess we saw yesterday, simultaneously: Is it just me or is that looking darker than before?

**

Doctor: Come here and look at granulation!

Us: *Finally able to recognise granulation* :0!!!!

**

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Charge nurse, appearing outside of the window: Hey y'all can I have some ethanol please

**

The surgeon, cleaning out a different abscess as the woman screams in pain with every one of his movement, tone comically cheerfully: I love poking around in people:)

Both me & my fellow practical comrade: *losing our shit and trying to laugh at that quietly the woman continues to scream in the backround*

Basic ethics 101: failed

**

Patient: *really not feeling it, describing symptoms of appendicitis*

Me and the comrade: *Perk up like dogs who heard the word "treat" because oh wow! First irl appendicitis!*

(She had an atypical form. We got to see what happens when you call an ambulance from inside a clinic!!!! Fun stuff!!!)

**

Doctor, looking at patient with a private part boil: What are these bizarre circles on your legs?

Patient: Oh, I used to be a drug addict, it's a consequence of that:)

Everyone in the procedure room: *confusion intensifies*

After we saw a man's privates get cut open with minimal anaesthesia and the boil get drained, we then proceeded to quietly discuss drugs through the next patient's appointment. The side eye from the patient wasn't big, but it was there

**

Us, got released from the surgeon: Oh great we're done now we can show up to the ophthalmologist's cabinet and observe there!"

Charge nurse, seemingly appearing out of nowhere: We're sending the slightly larger children out on a house call, go cover the EKG please:)

**

(Later, after doing an EKG on a patient who's supposed to have fun lung sounds and who kindly agreed to play guinea pig for us)

Me: Vesicular is a FFFFFFF while bronchial is a CHHHHHH, right?

Comrade: Yep

Me: I think I hear the CHHHHHH on the lower lobes where there's supposed to be a FFFFFFFFFF

Patient, buttoning up shirt: god you guys chose a weird profession

**

I then proceeded to get caught in a storm and wait for the bus for fifteen minutes with no cover except for trees, which meant I was just rained on slightly slower. My hair is still wet.

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Crazy thing about #healing #recovery Small Victories is when you'll have some shit going on that's like, saying this would involve admitting how you used to be doing. You know? Like hey guys good news I'm gonna change my bedsheets this year

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The sentences "Asexuals can still have sex" and "Aromantics can still date" need to go up on the high shelf for everyone except aces and aros talking about their own experiences. From now on, everyone else has to use the revolutionary new phrase "Asexuals and aromantics can do whatever the fuck they want forever."

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Nothing quite like seeing someone's amputated toes at 10 in the morning

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real sadists understand that you can torture The Character simply by forcing them to live with themself

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what will it be, boss? the comfort of misery or the pain of change?

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can something good and pleasant happen to me now please

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>Be me

>Learn early on that I'm one of those lucky people who don't get acne, at all, unless I'm severely stressed, something something yada yada cortisol level affect skin barrier because immunity

>Start hardest year of med school that really likes crushing students in every possible way

>Start getting occasional acne

>Abusive family is abusive over every single blemish on my face. No, I don't know what their problem is.

>Say "It's because of stress", they say "No it's because you're ugly and terrible and eat carbs"

>Ignore family

>January starts

>I proceed to lose my vision and start the absolute worst half a year in my life, I'm battling daily thoughts of suicide, loved ones having cancer, eye surgery, other multiple body changes, and still trying to survive the hardest year of med school while trying to balance it all and not die (exhaustion) or die (kmsing)

>Get more acne I cannot seem to control

>Literally every single time they see me all I hear is rude comments about my appearance, any talk about it being stress related results in insult of character; resolve to having to deal with this for the rest of my life

> It all culminates in June, because hardest finals season ever

>Be me, now, beginning of July

>Third year ended roughly a week ago, I'm currently on practicals

>Spent the past week dissociating and decompressing, nervous system is finally sort of fine, not dealing with as much stress

>I look in the mirror while brushing my teeth today

> ...

>There's no acne

>Lile, zero

>It's just gone

>I didn't even do anything. No, like at all. For context: I've had no hot water in the apartment since MAY (it's July), so even washing my face became an occasional sort of process because ice cold water is hella uncomfortable on skin

>I was right

>It WAS the fucking stress

>Haha suck it abusers

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when it’s really bad again and it’s still way better than it used to be but it’s still really bad. and you do all the right stuff and you try and try and it still really hurts but it’s working but it still hurts and you go see the beautiful majesty of nature and your soul is so close to being at peace but your mind is still in pain. and it’s better but it’s still bad. and the sun is setting.

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It’s so funny that I can’t remember my childhood and then I just randomly get flashbacks. Like. Oh Hell yeah. Time to tease the imaginary audience with more of my dark and traumatic backstory as the plot progresses.

My mental state IS slowly declining, but not as slowly as I’d prefer.

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happy "closer to 2050 than 2000" day everyone

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I wish people would stop saying “It’s July. Well done for wasting half a year.” Did you make someone smile in the past six months? Did you stroke a cat or throw a stick for a dog? Did you learn a new fact or teach someone a new joke? Did you laugh, cry, scream or sing in the past six months? Because if so, congratulations for not wasting your time at all.

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Oh yes, that perfect storm of trauma + executive dysfunction+ nausea + hunger, just what I fucking needed

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Ayyyy guess who finally drew first blood today:DDDDD

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I say shit like "If my memory serves me" knowing damn well it serves the dark lord