strugglingwithfaith

[strugglingwithfaith]

7/6/2020

So here’s the way I see it; the way I’ve always been taught:

God hears and answers our prayers; He knows and loves all of us + Pray with real intent to get an answer; ask God if He loves you --> God will answer your prayer in some way and you’ll feel the Spirit

But here’s what’s been happening:

“God hears and answers your prayers; He knows and loves you” +  I pray earnestly (and emotionally) to see if He’s there --> I get absolutely no response

It’s like I’m adding 2 and 2 and getting 17. Or combining H2 and O and making glucose. One of the parts of this must be wrong. Either everything I’ve grown up believing is wrong, I’m somehow not doing my part right, or I actually am getting answers and just missing it.

Or is it possible to have those two components and still get that result? If God is what I’ve always been taught, is He the kind of being who would leave His child alone to struggle? That doesn’t seem right. 

Plus, I just remembered that supposedly the Greatest Sin--the  one that will send you to the Outer Darkness--is denying Christ after you’ve had a witness.

Is leaving the church because I’ve lost faith just sentencing myself to an even longer eternity of even more misery?

I read Joanna Brooks’s “The Book of Mormon Girl,” which briefly made me feel like I could take control of my life. I sat out on the back deck in the sun, telling myself that I would go on a mission and then do whatever I thought would be best after that. But now I’m back to feeling stuck. I’ve given up on scripture study (again) because it doesn’t seem to help anymore. Is that the problem? I stopped studying my scriptures and started swearing so now God’s cutting me off even more? But I felt cut off when I was at BYU and reading the Book of Mormon for 30+ mins every day. If doing “everything right” won’t help me feel the Spirit, what will?

Serving a mission to try and fix my faith crisis feels a bit like having a baby to save a marriage, but at least this will really only affect me. And it’ll probably still be a good experience no matter what I do afterwards. And honestly... if I serve a mission and still decide to leave the church after, then that seems like I’ll have done all I can. I want to keep trying, but eventually I’ll have to figure out what will be the best for me. If I leave and decide to make a new path, then I hope I’ll at least be happy. Because right now, I’m just... not.

Whatever happens will happen, I guess, will of the Lord or not.

[strugglingwithfaith]

6/16/2020

There’s blood on my journal now. I cried and it gave me a nosebleed and I didn’t notice because I was crying. So then I lunged for the tissue box that was on the floor and dripped blood onto my journal. This journal.

I cried--am still teary--because of 2 pages of a book that someone posted on twitter. They quoted a sentence in their tweet, which is what got my attention. It says, “No one should be made to believe that she is the only Mormon girl who walked alone in the dark. No one should be left to feel like she is the only one broken and seeking.”

The posted chapter begins with, “our stories are not told in sacred books. They are not told over the pulpit. They are not told by the prophets.

No one says: I felt my church turn away from me, and it was a kind of death to me.

No one says: I drove into the desert. I wandered around the city in the dark. I was alone and it was cold and inside me was desolation” [The Book of Mormon Girl, Joanna Brooks].

Somehow, nothing has resonated with me until this. I’m supposed to be preparing to serve a mission. My forms are all done.

But there’s nothing inside me besides this desparate despair, this hollow sort of sadness.

I don’t know how to recover from all this. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel okay again.

I do know that I’m not ready to go back to church and have to hear everyone’s condescending platitudes-- “just pray for peace and turn to Christ in your trials!!”

I’m not ready.

[strugglingwithfaith]

6/3/2020

I’m almost done with my mission application. All that’s left are my appointments and the final interview. The final interview, where I’ll have to testify of a God who is not answering my prayers. I just feel... empty. And so, so tired. Physicall and emotionally, but especially spiritually.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m not even sure I know who I am anymore. 

Maybe a mission is the answer but maybe it’s not.

How am I supposed to figure it all out when God isn’t talking to me???????

Every FUCKING thing we read is like, “oh just turn to Christ, be faithful, you’ll have peace in your trial! <3″

Yeah, okay, sure, 

where is He?

There have been so many nights (most of them are recorded in this journal) where I have spent close to an hour literally crying unto God, just looking to see if He’s there. and after all this, every spiritual experience from my past just feels fake. Like I was deluding myself. Caught up in the peer pressure of girls camp and trek.

It’s so hard not to be frustrated and angry and bitter. I want to keep trying. But I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this.

[strugglingwithfaith]

4/22/2020

I put off this essay for a long time. Somehow, this is not an easy topic for me. So I’m writing in sort of a letter/journal format, because I think that will make it easier for me to make my point, or answer the prompt, or something. This will get pretty personal, so buckle up.

           So, Sister Rutherford, how do I hear God? To be honest, I’m not sure I do. I try. I really, really try to hear Him. I read my scriptures most nights, I pray, I listened to all five sessions of conference. But it has been hard for me to feel the Spirit for a long time.

           I guess I should give some sort of backstory. I dated this guy in high school. We were together for almost two years, and I loved him. In the beginning of our relationship—the beginning of our junior year—we decided that it would be smart to break up before going to college. We both planned on serving missions, leaving after a year of college, and it made sense to have a year broken up before that. To be fair, it was mostly his idea, but I agreed. It seemed reasonable. After breaking up, though, I kind of broke. I remember one night a few days after we broke up, I prayed. And I remember feeling like things were going to be okay. But since then, I haven’t really felt that. I came to BYU, and I went to church and my religion class, and I read my scriptures, and I prayed. But I felt—and still feel—disconnected from God. You said in class once that being beyond feeling is a terrifying place to be, and it is. It is terrifying to go to Relief Society and have every lesson for months say “if you just turn to Christ, you’ll have peace” when you do not have peace. One Sunday, I came home from church and threw myself on my bedroom floor. I wept and prayed, asking God to please give me some feeling of peace if ending my relationship was the right thing. I did not feel peace that day, and I did not feel it any of the other times I cried unto God.

           I think I’ve felt the Spirit since then, but it’s been… muted. Different. I received confirmation on some choices I had to make, like opening my mission papers. I went to a fireside for my stake about Eve, and I felt the Spirit there. I also felt the Spirit at a feminism discussion panel, more than I often did at church. Maybe I’ve closed myself off. Maybe I have too many expectations for what I want God to tell me, and that’s inhibiting my ability to feel the Spirit. Maybe Satan knows that I’m destined for greatness, or something, and he’s blocking the Spirit. Whatever the cause, it’s been difficult.

           So that brings me to General Conference. I had high hopes for this conference, not just because we were told it would be unforgettable. I hoped that it would heal me. That I would hear the words of the Prophet and the Apostles and I would hear God. But that didn’t happen. There were talks that I enjoyed, that had good messages for me to hear. But I was not healed by it. I couldn’t focus on it. I had trouble staying awake, which has never been a problem for me. I fully intend to read the talks later, and I still hope that it will help. But watching General Conference did not help me #HearHim.

           It’s been hard to motivate myself to study my scriptures when it doesn’t seem to help me feel the Spirit. But I can get myself to read one chapter most nights. One chapter, and then I pray. And I ask God to please, please, help me feel Him. And I don’t.

           I believe that God is real. I believe that He hears all our prayers. I’ve felt His presence before. I have had great spiritual experiences. I just don’t seem to be having them anymore. My therapist tells me that maybe no answer is my answer, but I have trouble accepting that. How could no answer be the answer to many prayers asking to feel God’s love?

           How do I try and hear Him? I do my best to open my mind and my heart. I’m from Oregon, and one of the things that I missed the most in Utah was the rain. I went on a walk a couple weeks ago, soon after I got home. It had been raining hard for a while, but when I went out it was just drizzling. In the midst of a global pandemic, my neighborhood was calm. Flowers were blooming. Rain came down and nourished the earth. And although I’m not sure I’m ever quite happy, I felt better being home. I remembered a verse in Alma either while I was outside or just after I came home. Alma 30:44 says, “All things denote that there is a God, yea, even the earth, and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator.” I’ve never been a very outdoorsy person. I struggled with girls’ camp and pioneer trek because I have a tendency to get distracted by bugs and things. But I believe in God. I know that He created the earth, and I agree with Alma: all things testify of God. As I strive to feel God’s presence, this helps me. I can lay my foundation on just a simple belief in Him as a Supreme Creator.

           Two other scriptures that I love are Alma 33:11 and 2 Nephi 4:20-21. Alma says, “I will cry unto thee in all mine afflictions, for in thee is my joy.” Going to church is not always my joy. I get bored, and overwhelmed, and lessons often feel patronizing (see earlier paragraph when RS lessons could not reach me). But I have had joy in Christ and His gospel. So I cry unto God in my afflictions, because I have faith that He hears me and will help me. Nephi writes, “My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.” Patience has never been a strong quality of mine. I get easily frustrated when things are uncertain and there isn’t a clear “right way to go.” Spending such a long time with no answers from God has not been easy for me. But I am trying to be patient. I am trying to trust in God and know that He has a Plan.

           I don’t think I exactly answered the prompt, but I did my best. Sister Rutherford, I hope you read this and understand what I’m trying to say. I want to hear Him. I am trying to. But General Conference didn’t seem to be the answer for me, so it’s not what I could write about. I’ve enjoyed my time in your class, and I’m thankful for the lessons you’ve shared. I hope to be able to apply them throughout my life. 

[strugglingwithfaith]

4/10/2020

What am I supposed to say? All I want is to feel the love my Heavenly Parents have for me. And I just don’t. I pray sincerely to Them. I’m trying. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing or thinking or feeling.

[strugglingwithfaith]

3/16/2020

“Try, Try, Try,” by Henry B Eyring

We must be willing to take upon ourselves the name of Christ.

Christ knows what I’m going through. All I have to do is try.

[strugglingwithfaith]

3/15/2020

I’ll be home in 4 days. It’s sad but I feel good about it. In fact, this is probably the best I’ve felt in awhile.

[...]

I’m really looking forward to Gen Conf in a few weeks. I’ll get to be with my family again. We’ll get to hear the prophet speak to us in a time when we clearly need some Divine Guidance. It’ll be different, but I think it will still be good.

[strugglingwithfaith]

3/12/2020

Everything sucks right now. I’m going home early and I still haven’t figured out what to tell Lincoln and it feels like everything’s falling apart. But I thought “what do I do when my life is crashing down around me?” and then went “oh, read the scriptures, duh.”

I didn’t read last night, which is 1000% my fault, but I’m glad I am today.

The three Nephites are so cool. I really wish Christ would just come back already.

I finished 3rd Nephi. I really loved being able to see how Christ interacted with the people as well as what He said. It’s very obvious that He loved them.

[strugglingwithfaith]

3/10/2020

3 Nephi 22:7 “For a small moment have I forsaken thee, but with great mercies will I gather thee.”

I’ve felt a little forsaken lately. It hasn’t been easy to go through all this and not feel like God has my back. But I have faith that I will be gathered up with mercy.

[strugglingwithfaith]

3/9/2020

I just had this feeling that Jesus is on my side. In [3 Nephi] 19 He prays to the Father for the Nephites, and I feel that somehow He’s doing that for me, too.

[strugglingwithfaith]

3/5/2020

I’m kind of having a breakdown rn so tbh I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to read, or what I’ll really get from this. But I’m hoping it’ll help.

I reread my Patriarchal Blessing. It didn’t necessarily make me feel Better, but it was nice to go through again. 

I am just so tired of feeling this way. It’s not that I’m doubting God or His Plan, it’s more that I just really need some guidance right now.

Praying again, this time to Heavenly Mother, helped I think. I’m not sobbing anymore at least.

I know a lot of my entries look like I don’t actually study the scriptures, but I do always read at least one chapter a night. I usually try to take some notes, too, but tonight’s just a unique circumstance I guess. [...] I promise I’m doing my best to feast. I’m just going through a lot right now which makes it kind of difficult.

[strugglingwithfaith]

3/2/2020

It’s also cool to be getting close to the end of the Book of Mormon. This journal obviously only covers the second half-ish, but it’s still interesting seeing my insights and comments across chapters and entries. I’m looking forward to getting through this and... starting over, I guess?

Mission Prep Notes:

the confusion that JS felt is relatable

JSH 1:12 “if any person needed wisdom from God, I did; for how to act I did not know, and unless I could get more wisdom than I then had, I would never know”

[strugglingwithfaith]

3/1/2020

i don’t know who i am anymore

i don’t have music. i loved music. i listen to taylor swift in the shower and cry and that’s it. i hate the way listening to music makes me feel. none of it makes me feel good except for taylor swift and that’s just because i listen to it So I Can Feel Bad.

“i’d like to be my old self again, but i’m still trying to find it” i understand, logically, that i’ve changed a lot in the past seven months since lincoln and i broke up. i walk past the cannon center and remember the first day of lsh and i know i’m different. a month or 2 ago i liked the new version of me. but now i don’t know who that is. something else is different and i don’t know what it is.

i don’t feel like i can trust my feelings. i know that it sounds contradictory to Feel like my Feelings are untrustworthy. but it’s the best i can do. i can’t figure out if what i’m thinking is communication from God or just my thoughts because I DONT FEEL ANYTHING. just sadness sometimes but more often it’s just an achy emptiness. i don’t THINK i’m being prompted to text lincoln, at least it doesn’t feel the way it did the other 2 times. but again—i’m not really feeling much of anything these days.

i’m paranoid all the time that i’m going to run into him. or his family, somehow. i wasn’t super early to german on wednesday and i ran into him. i never see him on wednesdays. but i saw him and i constantly feel like i’m going to again.

i’m not sure if i want him. like, i actually don’t know. i want him to want me. i want him to talk to me. i want to tell him what i’ve been going through because of him. and every time i think that it’s because of him, i get this voice in my head saying that it’s not his fault. but it’s not mine either. it was........... it was because of him. but not like, Actively.

on monday night there’s a stake fireside and the presentations are divided by gender but afterwards will be combined and that means i might have to see him. brooke agreed to come with me so i’d have support but i don’t know what i’m gonna do.

i just really want like a huge thunderstorm. i think that’d be really satisfying. to go along with my taylor swift thing, i realized the other day that the “blank space” music video is kinda my ideal life rn. i just wanna wear fabulous clothes and have a gorgeous man and to be able to LOSE MY MIND. i wanna stab stuff and scream. i want to

i don’t know what i want

i want to feel better. but i don’t know what Better is.

i miss lincoln with my whole frickin soul. i still think about him all the time and he’s started appearing in my dreams again. nothing concrete, nothing revelatory, but his presence is felt.

also EVERY BLOND GUY ON CAMPUS LOOKS AND DRESSES LIKE HIM. HOW STUPID IS THAT. IT’S BAD ENOUGH THAT I SEE HIM UNEXPECTEDLY BUT I HAVE TO SEE ALL HIS STUPID CLONES AROUND CAMPUS.

i keep trying to compare us to other people, especially fictional characters because i live my life in books and tv shows. and i know we aren’t those couples. but it’s easier in the moments when i can compare. not so much in the long run i suppose.

there’s a dance on friday and it’ll be the only dance i go to where lincoln isn’t at least part of my group. even freshman year when we weren’t really Friends we were in the same group. i have pictures with him and a few other people. i wore the same dress that year and senior year—when we actually did go together. i loved that dress. i can’t wear it here without risking the wrath of the honor code office but i wouldn’t want to anyway because it reminds me of him.  mormon prom we went with other people but we were in the same group and that’s what ultimately led to us getting together. but this time we won’t interact at all. even if he’s there. there might be some awkward eye contact across the room. but we won’t talk. same with the thing on monday. i know that absolutely nothing will happen and even if i see him it probably won’t be too bad and i’m worrying for nothing. but i’m still worrying. and sometimes i imagine that he asks to talk and he tells me that he was wrong, he loves me and wants to get back together. and then i get to tell him how i’ve been the past seven months. and then i get to decide if i take him back. i get to decide. i get to tell him how i’ve been feeling and i get to decide. but that won’t happen. even if he does feel something he won’t do anything about it before serving a mission.

everything just feels wrong. it’s felt wrong since the breakup and i don’t know what that means. maybe it’s all just because i have a genetic predisposition for depression and anxiety and this breakup combined with the stress of coming here was just a catalyst for my breakdown. but maybe it IS God telling me that it IS wrong.  i’ve tried so many times to talk to God and get some kind of answer, but i just don’t feel anything. i get that i’m not gonna get a voice from the heavens telling me that lincoln and i are gonna get married, but some small bit of comfort would be nice. how am i supposed to serve a mission and tell people that God answers prayers when he isn’t answering mine?

i am so overwhelmed with emotional turmoil. i’m terrified that i’m going to feel like this forever. i have a very mormon fear that if i’m not married immediately after my mission then that means i’ve failed. if lincoln settles down before me then i’ve lost.

we planned our wedding. we had a dream life in switzerland. we had a planned breakup but we discussed our future together. he even talked about a hypothetical situation once where we get home from our missions and start dating each other again. we’re going to get home at the same time. we’re in the same ward back home. it wouldn’t be totally unrealistic if it wasn’t for everything that’s happened in the past few months.

i’m just so tired of feeling this way, but i don’t see myself getting better any time soon. and that’s terrifying.

[strugglingwithfaith]

3/1/2020

I learned today that most people doubt God’s love for them because they think they’re unworthy. That’s not my problem. I understand that God loves indiscriminately, and I’ve been taught that He loves me. I know that He must. I doubt it because I don’t feel it. I mean, I got down on my knees and begged God to show me that He loves me and I felt nothing. I don’t think I’m unworthy of His love, so I don’t know what’s happening. 

[strugglingwithfaith]

2/29/2020

Joseph Smith’s Account of the First Vision

President Nelson has asked us to review this story since this spring is the 20th anniversary of the First Vision. It’s hard to imagine Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ appearing before Joseph, but they did. I know that they did. I know that the Book of Mormon is true, and another testament of Christ, and was divinely translated.

Even though we joke about angels coming down at conference next month, I’m really just looking forward to hearing the Prophet and Apostles speak. I hope by then I’m more confident in my abilities to feel the Spirit. I’m excited to see what Nelson has prepared for us.

[strugglingwithfaith]

2/28/2020

Helaman 5:

verse 12: “And now my sons, remember, remember...”

I memorized that for BofM last semester. Some days it definitely feels like Satan’s sending his mightiest storms to me. But I have a foundation on Christ. I refuse to be dragged down.

[...]

verse 47: “Peace, peace be unto you, because of your faith in my well Beloved, who was from the foundation of the world.”

[strugglingwithfaith]

2/27/2020

Helaman starts off with more fighting which is... awesome. Looking at the next few chapter headings though, that seems to be ending soon. I’m looking forward to more gospel doctrine chapters.

Helaman 3:27 “Thus we may see that the Lord is merciful unto all who will, in the sincerity of their hearts, call upon His holy name.”

Helaman 4:

And thus we see the pride cycle. In chapter 3 it clarified that this pride entering the church was not entering “into the church of God, but into the hearts of the people who professed to belong to the church of God” (3:33). This is a hugely important distinction. As the people become more prideful in chapter 4, we need to remember that the problem is not with the doctrine--it’s with the people.

What are my Holy Places? I’ve turned one of my desks into one. Sometimes the statue gareden is one.