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[stupidityisme]

I had a dream. Hokus pokey told me that Rawang will file a divorce.

Of course I want to divorce him but it’s not that simple with Evana and house loan.

It suddenly drawn to me that if he filed a single petition and that if I am not in Malaysia, I couldn’t attend the tribunal, then the divorce will take place with his conditions as such that I would bear the house loan alone and loss Evana forever.

What a good timing since mom is also not in Malaysia…no one is there to attend any legal letters.

I have never dream of hokus pokey before, could this be a sign?

[stupidityisme]

This is challenging

It’s Evana’s birthday today. Year 5.

Why is it so difficult just to speak to her over the phone?

It’s already challenging enough to get Rawang to let me have the opportunity to speak with Evana.

And then when he does, she would cry non stop. Why is it when my mom calls with her, she is okay but when Rawang calls, she would cry and scratch non stop?

I don’t want to jump into conclusion but fact is I know she has been brainwashed.

The agony is unspeakable. Sometimes I don’t even know why I am doing this.

I lost direction as to why I have to put up with so many things so that she would have choice for better education that MAY lead to a better life, without having to struggle much in terms of financially. I can’t say that I am giving her the luxury but I tried my best just so that she has the opportunity to choose. It’s for a better long term.

But in the end, I felt like a loser fighting for a lost cause.

I don’t know what I am doing here in Sydney, struggling so much in this foreign land alone with no single friend to even talk to when I needed someone to just listen, and so here I am typing this, losing all hope and means to continue the so-called better long term.

Maybe I just shouldn’t care.

I shouldn’t care.

I’m crying. My heart is dying.

So it’s my fault that I have mental breakdown and sleepless nights that I can’t take care of Evana and leave it with her dad.

So it’s my fault that after all the soft approaches, I took the hard way by scolding and beating her for taking off her clothes in the middle of the night in cold blasting air con because she can’t sleep without air con that would make her eczema acts up it itchy causing her unable to sleep.

It’s all my fault, thus I deserve to be treated this way?

It’s a cold, cold world out there.

No warmth. Heart dead.

[stupidityisme]

Really powerless

[stupidityisme]

This is difficult. I am fighting against logical and right thing to do vs emotionally curious - you know, curiosity kills a cat.

Fuck, this has been going on my mind for almost a month now and it has been crazy with all this day dreams and fantasies. Stop stop stop!

[stupidityisme]

15 Apr 2024 - Evana’s dad is officially cutting me off from Evana. I tried to organise a time to call and speak with Evana but he didn't even response to my text or pick up my Whatsapp call.

Is there anything I could do? So helpless.

I really don't want to use hate language but I really hate his guts.

[stupidityisme]

Grass always look greener the other side but when you’re on it, it’s not just bed of roses, but also thorns.

Honestly I feel very lonely in this cold city. The community is different - it’s different to come as tourist, loving it here as there are varieties but to live here, it’s entirely a different story.

I made decision to be in Sydney instead of Perth, starting from 0 again in view that Evana will have her cousins here when she eventually comes over, just to feel more homey. Like, I’m struggling.

It’s not just that. It’s also very expensive to live here. Mainly it’s the choice of lifestyle and the way I grow up. I really hoping Evana can cope better than me in future.

I really just want the best for her but I am not even sure if this is best for her when I am not physically by her side now that she is slowly growing up. The fact that her dad is manipulating and threatening me is not helping too. The words that he said was so harsh, not putting Evana at best interest just to stoop me to a new low.

I admit that I don’t always make the right decision but I’ll try - I am human and I do make mistakes.

[stupidityisme]

ZWDS / Bazi is like an imprint of our life journey. I often question if we can change our predestination, even though the blueprint is already set the moment we come out of mother’s womb.

Later, I come to realised that our blueprint is the way it is because of the way we act / react / make decision / choices based on our personalities.

To change fate, we must first change ourselves.

And it’s not easy. And I realised I didn’t change mine …at least on the career side that for this past one month.

I was desperately looking for a job, and despite it not being my ideal type of industry, I signed the contract anyway. I should be grateful and am grateful…but after I signed, I have many other offers that was even better than the one I signed.

My ZWDS has clearly stated the obvious career palace having “tou loh” (delayed), but with plenty of opportunities by having self lu.

And in reality I also know this very well, that there are some that’s still in the progress - I may or may not get the other offers, but I just don’t want to wait - I didn’t want to take the risk by waiting. Not taking the risk is my personality because I feel insecure. I am an insecure person.

Because of that, I have forgone other possibilities/ choices….and that’s why I am still following the original blueprint.

To put it in a positive way, whatever and wherever journey on the blueprint, it’s a journey of learning - it just wants you to learn and grow. And I know I’ll still be in the loop of never ending same lesson in different contexts if I still “don’t get it”.

Grow up, please grow up.

Missed opportunities within a week span.

Hays - 59/hr and SF

U and U - Law film

Tech Log

[stupidityisme]

I wish I know this earlier.

[stupidityisme]

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Only the people experience such will understand.

[stupidityisme]

My contract with DOH is ending by end of January 2024.

I hated the job but I need money to survive. When you’re jobless, you want a job irregardless. And when you get one, you hated it.

No matter how much I dislike the job, I am grateful that it helps to pay my bills and my stacking credit card.

I miss Evana. Making a move on 4th February 2024. When you think that end September 2023 is a big change, you’re so wrong - the real change is yet to come.

So much going on my mind.

[stupidityisme]

[stupidityisme]

I’m always very sad thinking about Evana.

I don’t think anything I do will matter…

[stupidityisme]

Fucking sad.

I don’t want to jinx myself but I realized on the road of recovery, I cannot be sad.

The disturbance comes back very obviously when I am sad on the night I sleep.

Just like yesterday when I read the message sent by him, I couldn’t help but weep. And then I realized there are too much disturbance in sleep.