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subfrenzy1978-blog · 8 years ago

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Safe Call, Safety in Dating in the Kink World

Dating someone new can be dangerous, even in the vanilla world. More so in the BDSM lifestyle. Naturally submissive men and women make easy targets for predators. It's no secret that there are abusers hiding behind the mask of BDSM and that there are rapist and serial killers that lure people to their own demise. The internet is a really fun play ground for these predators. But, you can take steps to make things safer for yourself. First thing you need to do is make sure your intended date is willing to meet you in a very public place for at least the first meeting. Maybe a few dates in public, but certainly the first date needs to be in public. This location needs to be well lit and with several people around. It doesn't have to be crowded and noisy like a bar, but there need to be enough people around that they can hear you screaming for help. If they insist on an isolated location or a location that you can be easily isolated from others around you, like a park, take that as a big red flag. Their intentions are not good. Let them know you want the first date or two to be totally vanilla. No sex and certainly no kink play. You can discuss sex and kink topics if you like, but the main focus of the first couple of dates should be to get to know each other and to build trust. If they can't honor this and want to rush you into the bedroom or dungeon you need to see this as a red flag. They want one of two things. They are either just after a quick kinky roll between the sheets or they have darker intentions for you. Either way, it's not going to turn out well for you. Try to negotiate that the first play date will be in a public dungeon, preferably one you're already familiar with. Alert the staff that you will be playing with a new partner so they can be watching fairly closely for signs that you are in distress. Make sure you are aware of the house safe words and don't agree to be gagged to where you can't use them loud enough for others around you to hear it. If you have friends in this dungeon alert them as well and ask them to pay close attention to your scene. Your first few sessions alone you should still have a safe call in place. If they aren't comfortable with you taking control of your own safety you have no business being alone with them, ever. Continue to set up a safe call until you can honestly say you trust them to tie you up, gag you, honor your limits and LET you live. Address with your intended date before you even meet that you will have a safe call in place. Don't give them too much detail, but you can tell them that if you do not call or take the call at a certain time the police will show up looking for you. If they object that's a big red flag. Anyone that has your best interest in mind will appreciate you wanting to be safe with someone knew. Anyone that gets offended or tries to convince you they are safe and you can just trust them does not care about you and does not have your safety in mind. At best they are a master manipulator and will try to control every aspect of your life, beyond SSC. At worst they are a predictor trying to convince you to let your guard down so they can lead you into their trap. Don't let them convince you that a "true submissive" has trust for their dominate before they have earned it. Fact of the matter is, a true dominate respects a submissive enough to understand they must earn trust, loyalty and submission. Now that we've discussed how the first few dates should go and a few red flags to look for lets get to the main topic of this post. What is a safe call and how is it effective? A safe call is where you set up a specific time for you to call or be called by a trusted friend to check on your well-being. Some local communities have those that volunteer to be a safe call for those in the community that may not want others in their life to know about their kink side. Here's how it works. You set up a specific time for you to call your friend or for them to call you. Forget texting, anyone can pick up your phone and answer a text for you. They need to voice verify that it's you and that you aren't in distress. They need to be able to hear the nervousness in your voice, you can't do that in text. Set up an agreed upon phrase for you to say if you're in distress. Also set up a phrase that you will say if everything is fine. These need to be something you can say in general conversation and not alarm your date. Something like "Oh, I forgot to feed the dog before I left. Will you feed her? " If you miss your call or if you say your distress phrase your friend will call the police and let them know you are in distress and your location. Obviously, for your safe call to work your friend needs to know your exact location. Let them know where you will be and how long you plan on being there. Let them know if your location changes at any time. You may want to pin you location on Facebook or use a GPS tracking app like Life360. That way your friend can easily find you in an emergency. I'd just like to add here that you should never get in the car with someone you don't know pretty well and trust. If they want to change locations and you feel comfortable with that then you take your car and they the theirs. It's best to waste a little gas than to end up in a ditch somewhere. Provide your friend with the full name and date of birth for your date. Also provide them with a recent picture of both yourself and your date. Maybe ask your date to pose with you for a picture when they get there. You can play it off as you just want to collect memories for your first meeting. This will get a description of what both of you are wearing for the police if something goes wrong. Arrive early and try to get a picture of your dates car and license plate. The idea is to get as much information as possible so that the police have something to go on if things go wrong. I know it's morbid to think about, but the fact is you could be a victim, but at least the crime could be solved if you give someone this information to give to police. Let your friend know when you are on your way home and when you arrive safely. Set it up that you need to say your everything is ok phrase when you're home and safely inside. Watch for you to be followed home. If it looks like your date may be trying to follow you home go to a well lit and fairly busy location and call police. Do not go home if you're being followed. Don't offer up your address or even let them know cross streets of where you live until you feel safe with them. I saw a girl in one of the groups I'm in that she let a Dom know cross streets for her location and he just randomly showed up and demanded that she give him her address. When she didn't he drove the streets until he found her. She was lucky enough that her parents were home too. This could have been so bad. Go out, have fun, meet new people. Just do it safe. Come home to your family in one piece.

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subfrenzy1978-blog · 8 years ago

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Vetting, the Lost Art

Vetting a new partner is something we have lost as a society, not just in the BDSM community. We see all the time a person ends one relationship to next week, or less, be chest deep in a new relationship and deeply in love. So, what is vetting and why is it so important? According to dictionary.com the definition is ” to appraise, verify, or check for accuracy, authenticity, validity”. In the vetting process you do so much more than a quick run down to see if your kinks match. You make sure you can trust this person with your life. Yet, so many times it’s just over looked as an unnecisary step. In my opinion it’s the most important step in a relationship. It’s important to realize you aren’t in a dynamic until you can both honestly say you can trust the other with your life. It’s ok to agree to be exclusive or even agree to be in a relationship of sorts, but not a dynamic. To enter a dynamic you need to know each other inside and out. You need to know everything you can about each other. Both the Dom/me and sub need to know they can trust the other with their life. It’s also important to realize vetting isn’t something you should rush. Most relationships these days start out online. You should give yourself at least a couple of weeks before agreeing to meet in person. This will give you time to ask plenty of questions, even repeat some of the same questions to see if it’s answered the same or if there’s the possibility of deceit on their part. Even after the first meeting I wouldn’t say vetting has ended. How long should it last? Think of it this way, when you start a new job it normally comes with a 90 day grace period before they hire you on full time. If you think of it like that then you will lesson your chances of ending up as yet another number on the statistics chart. Giving yourself and your partner that kind of time will allow you to see each other in various situations. You will see flaws, how they handle stress and disagreements. You will have plenty of time to discuss both kink and what you need outside of the bedroom too. Before you even get to the kinky stuff there are some vanilla things you need to know about each other. I know it’s easy to get wrapped up in the kink side of this lifestyle and forget we have basic needs that need to be met too. If we don’t mesh well outside of the bedroom all the kink in the world won’t make for a lasting relationship. Ask if they have physical illness or limitations. Ask if they have mental health issues or past trauma that affects them emotionally. Not only do you need to know these things before a scene you need to know up front if you are ready for any challenges these will have in the relationship. You don’t have to be cruel, but it’s best to be honest and walk away upfront if there’s something you can’t deal with. It wouldn’t be fair to you or your partner to get deep in the relationship only to walk away later on because you later realize you’ve never been comfortable with a limitation they have. Be completely honest with them and yourself if you have even the slightest reservation. If they have a history of mental illness or past trauma ask what triggers they have. Ask what they have done to try and manage it. Ask what you can do to help. Try to remember just because you can’t see a disability doesn’t make it any less real. If you can’t look at them with compassion and kindness in helping them cope and grow you have no business sticking around. You could do far more harm than good. Don’t be that person that tries to beat mental illness out of someone’s head, you aren’t helping. What are their hobbies? What was their childhood like? What are their political views? Maybe touch on the hottest political topics of the day. What’s their views on child rearing? Do they want or already have children? If you have children can they handle that? If you or they already have children what role will each of you play in the children’s lives? Do they have income? If not, what’s the circumstances behind it? If they work what do they do? Do they like their job? If not where do they want to be in order to be happy? What plan do they have in place to get there? Do they have transportation? What is their living situation? What education do they have? Are they planning on furthering their education? Do they have food, pet, drug or other allergies? What should you do in the event of a reaction? What’s their biggest pet peeve? What’s their goal in life? What plan do they have in place to get there? Do they drink or do drugs? If so, how often and how much? What do other people say they are like when drunk or high? If they don’t right now have they ever been diagnosed as an addict? If so, what do they do to keep from having a relapse? Now that you’ve got some understanding as to who they are as a person you can move on to find out about their kinky lifestyle. I’m not saying you must do these steps in order, but be sure they at least are willing to discuss life outside of the bedroom and aren’t trying to keep the conversation all kink all the time if you are in fact looking for a real relationship, not just bedroom kink. If all they want to talk about is kink you need to see this as a red flag and move on. There’s far more to life and relationships than just sex. Remember, you set the price for your commitment to a relationship. Don’t let anyone manipulate you into selling yourself for far less than you are worth. Here are some kink questions to ask: Do they want poly, open relationship or strictly monogamous? If they want poly have them describe what it means to them. Have them be specific about how many people will be involved, will it be both of you being poly or just one? If they want an open relationship have them describe what it means to them. Will it be both of you or just one? Will they want to share you with others for fun or punishment? Will they want to swing? Ask if they are single. If not, is their partner aware they are seeking another? Can you meet their partner? If not, tread very carefully. If their partner isn’t aware you could be putting yourself in a lot of danger. Jealousy can lead to murder, remember that. Not only that, but if they will cheat on their current partner with you they will have no qualms cheating on you. If you are wanting to get involved in the local community be aware that cheating is frowned upon. People take this offense very seriously. Not only will your new partner be looked at with caution, but they will stain your reputation as well as one who is willing to come between another couple. What is their relationship history? Ask them to describe their last three relationships. What was good about them? What was bad about them? What led to the demise of the relationship? Are they willing to allow you to talk to any of them? If not, why? If you hear the word restraining order in this conversation, run, run fast and run far. If they don’t have contact info for previous partners ask if they have other references that can vouch for them. Preferably people in good standing in the local community. How much experience do they have? I wouldn’t say run just because they don’t have experience, but you defiantly want to know the answer to this question. The amount of experience they have will not determine whether they are worthy of your time and devotion, unless this is really important to you. If they are new are they willing to put in the effort to research, take classes, get involved with reputable online communities and the local community to learn? If they say they are experienced you can judge if they are over stating their experience by their answers to questions about SSC, RACK, the sub creed, the Dom creed, techniques and safety protocol. Are they active in the local community? If so, which groups do they attend? Are they willing to let you contact the group admins to check references? How long have they been attending these events? What type of events do they attend? Have they ever been removed from an event or asked not to come back? If so, what were the circumstances behind it? Which group was it? Contact that group to check their story, depending on the offense and their truthfulness you may need to either proceed with caution or walk away. You may also want to contact other groups in the area just to see if they have been banned for unethical or dangerous behavior and they aren’t telling you about it. If you discover this is true, run, run far and run fast. They can’t be trusted with your life. If they aren’t active in the local community are they willing to attend events with you? If not, why? If they have an anxiety disorder that limits their social abilities you may want to work with them on this. But, if it appears they are just too jealous to allow you to socialize or they are unwilling to admit they can learn from others you really need to see this as a red flag. If they are new and unsure of testing the waters take it slow, maybe offer to attend a group munch with them instead of taking them to a full on dungeon event. You really want to see how they interact with others in the community if you can. You may also want to ask around at events what others think about your new partner before finding yourself alone with them for scenes. What is their STD status? Do they have any blood born pathogens? Will they agree to testing before becoming sexually active? It should go without saying that you really need to know the answers to these questions. Your health and life in general could be on the line. If they refuse testing for whatever reason, run and run fast. This shouldn’t be a risk you are willing to take. There are too many clinics that offer testing for free or reduced cost to put yourself at risk. Don’t just trust them to tell you the results prove they are clean, ask to see the paperwork. If they can’t provide paperwork they didn’t have it done. Please, don’t leave this up to chance. Do they want a 24/7 dynamic or just bedroom kink? Don’t compromise on this. You will only set yourself up for failure if you go into it knowing they don’t want what you do in the end. Discuss yours and their most desired kinks. Discuss how much experience each of you have with each of them. Discuss safety protocols. Ask them specific questions such as where to strike and where to avoid. If they enjoy edge play discuss what steps should be taken in the event of an emergency. Each of you should fill out a kink check list and bring it with you to your first meeting. Don’t go over it at dinner. Put it aside and go over it later at home. Then later you can discuss further kinks if needed. Find out which ones each of you can’t live without and which ones you can be happy never being able to do them. Discuss options for meeting each others needs even if certain kinks aren’t your cup of tea. You may be able to compromise and maybe allow each other to have non sexual scenes with others at local events. Discuss hard and soft limits. Discuss what options are available for pushing your limits, if any. Discuss how to address the issue of your limits ever change, we all learn and grow with time, but don’t ever allow anyone to push past your limits when you’re not ready. You should always be in full control over your limits. If someone tells you that you aren’t allowed to have limits or that you should work toward not having limits, run and run fast. Same goes for if someone tells you they don’t have limits. Some subs or slaves think this makes them more desirable. It will, to a predator. A Dom/me should not accept a sub or slave without limits either. This puts you at risk for needing a criminal law attorney. Even dominates have limits. Discuss safe words. It can be anything you like, but it’s best to keep it simple. A single word or gesture is best. Most dungeons have house safe words. Everyone I’ve been to uses the traffic light system. Green means your good to continue, yellow means to slow down, check on me or enough of that one activity, but you may continue with something else, red means stop the scene. I do suggest having multiple words like this. If gags will be in play along with bondage you may need something like a bell to ring. As a sub make sure you feel your partner out enough that you can be confident that they will honor your safe word when you call it. As a dominate make sure the sub knows their safe word and isn’t afraid to use it. Make sure they understand it’s not being a good sub to refuse to use a safe word when needed. It puts both the sub and the dominate in danger. This can’t be stressed enough. Ask what they expect from a Dom/me or sub. Ask them to define your role in their life. Ask them to define their role in your life. What protocol will be expected in private? What protocol will be expected in general public? What protocol will be expected at lifestyle events? You need to discuss such topics as eye contact, positions, dress, collars, honorary titles for each other, how to address others and anything else that will be expected. Ask if they are a sadist or masochist. For sub vetting Dom/me, ask what type of dominate they identify as. For Dom/me vetting sub, ask what type of submissive they are. You also need to ask point blank if they are a brat. Realize it takes a special dominate to handle a brat and there is no point in taking one on if you will just want to run a few weeks later. Subs, be honest if you’re a brat. There’s no point to getting involved if you aren’t both what the other needs and wants. There are dominates that enjoy a brat, be patient and seek those dominates out. Discuss birth control. Even if you have breeding as a fetish there is no need to bring children into the world until you are both ready and have established a healthy and lasting relationship. Girl’s, do you really want to be one of many baby mammas he juggles? Guys, do you really want to have a dozen baby mommas you have to pay child support to? Be kinky, but do it smart and don’t make children suffer for it. How much physical attention do each of you want or need? How much is too much? How much alone time do you need to recharge? Do either of you have work, school or children schedules that may interfere? Where can you compromise and what lines are drawn hard in the sand? How do they deal with rejection due to illness or you being physically or emotionally unable to perform at that time? How much control will the dominate have? Will they control the subs body, daily activities, chores, work, school, children, diet, health concerns and hobbies? Will there be rules in the dynamic? If so, will punishment be involved? What types of punishments can the sub expect for breaking each rule? Will the punishments increase over time for the same offenses? What transgressions will end the dynamic on both sides? Will both of you be expected to work or will one of you stay home? If one will stay home, how long until that is expected to happen? My advice is to live together at least a year before becoming completely financially dependent on your partner. That gives you time to see them in various situations. You will see the good, the bad and the ugly. If you need to get out quick you want to have the means to do so. Don’t be blinded by new love and allow yourself to be at the complete mercy of another before they have proven they are not an abuser hiding behind the mask of BDSM. There are a few milestones you want to discuss upfront as well. You don’t want to come off as being pushy or trying to rush things, just make it clear you want to know what they have in mind for how fast or slow things will go. Make it clear you understand this will not be written in stone that each step will take xyz amount of time either. If they don’t even want to discuss the possibility of milestones you may want to chalk that up to at least a yellow flag. They may not be serious about a relationship moving forward, but rather getting their jollies on the kink and nothing more. If you’ve been dating for a few months and they still don’t want to discuss milestones don’t waste your time, they see you as a play toy, nothing more. The first thing you want to discuss is how long vetting should last. My recommendation is at least 90 days. That gives you both time to see each other in different situations. More than likely you will see each other at your best and on days that aren’t so great. You’ll see how each other responds to stress, anger and excitement. It will also give you plenty of time to explore kinks, limits, verify experience and check for holes in their stories. I dated my Daddy/husband for 10 months before we entered our dynamic. We both wanted to be very sure. I want to make it clear that during the vetting period a sub should not offer their full submission and a dominate should not accept full submission. It’s perfectly ok to test the waters with basic training (think basic protocol and research), scenes that have been fully negotiated and task. It’s ok for the sub to address the dominate with an honorific and for the dominate to address the sub with an honorific. It’s ok to agree to be exclusive during this time period and to expect fidelity. It’s even ok to set up rules and task. Just don’t expect or agree to full submission. But, both should keep in mind the dominate does not own the sub and both can walk away at any time. Think of it as dating before marriage. You wouldn’t marry someone you’ve talked to on the internet for two weeks, would you? Same goes for offering up submission or agreeing to accept submission. It’s a deep commitment on both sides that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Dom/mes be weary of subs offering submission too quickly. Subs be weary of Dom/mes demanding submission too quickly. Honestly, they shouldn’t be demanding submission to begin with. If they do, that’s a red flag of an overbearing abuser. Discuss how long it will be before the sub can expect a collar. Find out what the collar means to them. Will there be different degrees of collars? If so, how long will each collar need to be worn before the sub can expect the next? Will the sub need to reach certain goals to earn the collar? How will it be tracked so as not to cause confusion or resentment? Once the collar is earned can it be taken away? Under what circumstances? How would the sub earn it back? I’d like to add here that it is my personal opinion that once the collar is earned it should not be taken away for punishment, except in extreme circumstances. Think cheating or emotional abandonment. That’s like taking away a wedding ring because you’re upset. That’s emotional abuse and is frowned upon. Discuss how long you will date before even considering to move in together. Please don’t rush this. Give yourself time to see some red flags before putting yourself in a situation it can be difficult to get out of. My suggestion is a bare minimum of 6 months to a year. You want to give them enough time that the warm fuzzys of the honeymoon period have warn off and they feel comfortable enough to let you see enough of their true colors that you can make a very informed decision. Is marriage an option? If so, how long until it will be considered? My momma told me to live with a man for at least a year before even considering to marry him. It has saved me from a few bad mistakes. It’s highly unlikely you wouldn’t see someone’s true and raw nature in that length of time. You’ll get a full taste of their hygene habits, cooking, cleaning and work habits. You’ll also get to see full on if you’re compatible with how often each of you want sex and kink. You’ll more readily be able to catch discrepancies in their stories too. What is their credit like? This may be unimportant to some, but to others it could be a big deal. If your end goal is to get married and buy a house you want to know what type of financial burden their credit rating could be. I wouldn’t hold a bad credit rating against someone for medical bills or something like that. But, if it’s clear they buy cars they can’t afford or splurge on other luxuries they can’t afford you really have to wonder what else they aren’t responsible about. Before you ever meet in person run a background check. Not just in your state, all states. Check the national sex offender registry. Pay close attention to violent offenses and sex offenses. If you see a protective order against them or charges for domestic violence run, run fast and far. You don’t want to be their next punching bag. Don’t even worry about getting an explanation for such offenses. They may have been falsely accused, but do you really want to take the chance they were in fact guilty and just know how to sweetly convince you otherwise? For your first few meetings meet in public and there shouldn’t be kink or even vanilla sex involved at first. You both should be focused on getting to really know each other, not worrying about getting in bed or one of you tied up and beat. Moral values aside, that’s really not safe. You need to fully trust someone with your life before you agree to a scene, can you honestly say you can trust them to tie you up and let you live after one date? Set up a safe call for your first few meetings. Make sure someone knows who you are with, where you will be, how long you will be there and they have a description of your date. If you can, get a picture of their car and license plate before you go inside. Have your safe call call you periodically through out the date to check on you. I say call, not text. Anyone can answer a text, they need to voice verify that it’s you and that you’re ok. Have a set phrase in place that if you say it your safe call notifies police of your location and that you’re in distress. Maybe put a tracker, like life360, on your phone that your friend can track for police in an emergency. Trust your gut instincts on first impressions. If you’re struggling with the idea you may be over thinking things with everyone you meet, take a friend along on your first date and get their opinion too. As a general rule our instincts about someone is normally correct. If they make your spine crawl you probably shouldn’t be alone with them, ever. Go out on real dates during the vetting process. You want to see how they interact with you in the real world, outside of kink. Even if the Dom/me wants to have a date night of where they control the night you want to see how they behave toward you and others around you. Pay attention to how they treat staff at restaurants, movie theaters or anywhere else you go. If they are rude, condescending or flat out belligerent they will eventually be that way toward you as well once the new wears off. Set up plans for them to mingle with your friends and for you to mingle with theirs. Ask your friends what they think about your new interest. Ask their friends questions about your new partner. Pay close attention if more than one person has reservations or concerns. Others can often more clearly see red flags we often miss on our own due to being blinded by new love. Spend the night together through the vetting process. It’s easy to keep up appearances for a few hours. It’s harder to do the same over night or even harder over a weekend. People tend to relax more in their own home. Besides looking for red flags you want to see them in their home environment. You want to see their house keeping skills, personal hygene habits, eating habits and if the electric is in a constant state of being threatened to be turned off. You want to know if they are hiding a drinking or drug problem, evidence will more than likely be clearly displayed at home. You want them to see you first thing in the morning too. You need to know if you can both handle each other’s oddities at home, we all have them. The main thing is to have fun, relax and get to know each other. Don’t try to rush anything. If it’s meant to be it will happen. Bottom line is, are you looking for forever or just your next booty call? If you want forever it’s worth the time and effort to vet properly and make sure you are both what the other needs before jumping into a dynamic. Once a sub submits they expect undying love and commitment. Once a Dom/me accepts submission they expect total submission, love, loyalty and obedience. You can’t and shouldn’t hand those things out like candy to everyone claiming to be just what you want and need without getting to know you inside and out. This lifestyle is about so much more than scratching an itch for kinky sex. This lifestyle is about the highest degree of love, loyalty, respect and trust. Respect everyone until they give you a reason not to. Make people earn the rest from you over time.

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subfrenzy1978-blog · 8 years ago

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BDSM Dating

I’ve seen a lot of post asking how to get started looking for a Dom/me or sub. The thing is, dating in the BDSM community is a lot like dating in the vanilla world. I understand that some are seeking a dynamic that doesn’t involve romance and that’s ok. But, the way you go about finding your partner is still much the same. But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The first thing I would like to address is you first have to make sure you are ready to take on the commitment of a relationship, if romance is what you are looking for. All too often we see post of subs, females mainly, that have found themselves completely at the mercy of their Dom/me physically, emotionally and financially. I’m begging you, please don’t be a statistic. Number one you have to be emotionally ready for a relationship. Make sure you have hashed out any emotional scars from previous relationships. It’s not fair to you or the next person if you go into your new relationship still raw from what came before. I understand there are some things it’s really hard to put out of our minds and move forward. But, if you go into your next relationship punishing the next person for what others have done to you in the past you will destroy them and ultimately your relationship. Seek counseling if you must, there’s no shame in it. Next you need to have your own source of income. While I understand some dynamics prefer that one or the other stay home, take care of the house and children and not work, I don’t believe it’s in your best interest to start out this way. It leaves you too vulnerable and completely at the mercy of the other if things go south. In my honest opinion, you need to be able to support yourself and your children for at least a year after you have progressed to the point of moving in with someone. If you give yourself that much time with someone it will give you time to see them in various situations in life. You will see the good, the bad and the indifferent. You will see their true colors, it’s highly unlikely they can keep up an act for that long. Then and only then decide if you want to stay and negotiate you being able to end your job or if you need to move on. That way if the answer is you need to move on you have a means to do so. You need to have a place to live. I understand life happens. We aren’t all where we want to be and sometimes we must live somewhere we really don’t want to. But, getting into a relationship should not be your way out. Number one, it’s too stressful for the other party to realize they will need to provide you with a place to stay should they pick you. Number two, if you want someone to take you seriously as a candidate to enter a relationship you need to be able to market yourself and what you have to offer the right the relationship, not what you need from it as far as basic human needs are concerned. It makes you far more desirable to the right mate if you are able to stand on your own two feet, even if the end goal is for you to move in, quite your job and be a stay at home mom or dad. Now that we have determined you are ready to sell a relationship how do you go about doing that? Well, surprisingly, it’s much like finding a mate in the vanilla world. There are so many options available. One can do a search for BDSM dating and be given a host of options for sites that are both free and paid. But, I will stick with the ones I personally know about and have used. There’s Collarme, it’s a fairly simple sight. Some people really love it. The last time I used it, granted that was years ago, there was the option to search for kinksters in your area and you could narrow your search by kinks. You can fill out a full profile stating what you are looking for and provide pictures, if you like. There’s also the option for you to fill out a BDSM check list of kinks and BDSM activities you enjoy or are curious about as well as a list for limits. My personnel favorite is Fetlife. For one, it seems to be more popular among those who participate in the local communities and there’s far more to it than just being a hook up site. Yes, you can create a profile to describe yourself and post pictures, if you like. You can also list your kinks, but there isn’t a BDSM checklist for limits you can attach to your profile. Not to worry, once you meet someone that’s easy enough to provide. The website has discussion boards for various topics, kinks and even groups of people. The thing I love most about it is the ability to find events and classes in your local area. That brings me to my next topic. I realize some people are shy, have anxiety or simply don’t enjoy getting out and about. But, to be honest, getting out into the local community will do a lot for you, especially if you are new to the lifestyle. Not only will you meet people you can befriend and possibly find a mate, you will learn a lot from listening to their stories, watching other’s scenes and by taking classes. If you aren’t quite ready to dive in head first by attending a party at a dungeon, attend a munch. They are normally held somewhere neutral that’s completely vanilla, such as a local restaurant. It’s really laid back and just like friends getting together to go out to eat. The only difference is there may be a BDSM topic of discussion. There’s also the option of posting an ad on a vanilla sight. More people are probably on those sights, but you run more of a risk of finding someone perfect in every way, except they don’t do kink. One approach is to clearly state in your profile that you are Dom or sub and require your mate to be Dom or sub. But, that can bring out of the wood works those that have seen the movie 50 Shades of Grey and think they are experts or the fuck boys that just want a kinky roll between the sheets. It’s probably best to put a code word or phrase in your profile that only someone in the lifestyle will understand. Something like “does safe word mean anything to you? ” Even then, they could simply do a Google search and find out what it means. Only through talking to them over time will you be able to separate the wheat from the chafe. I met my Daddy on Craigslist. �� I answered his ad. I liked the way he was blunt, to the point and made it clear he wasn’t taking any bull and his daughter absolutely came first. You can try posting an ad here or answering others ads. I’ve seen ads from those claiming to be in the lifestyle. My only caution here is that Craigslist is notorious for fakes, wanna bes, abusers hiding behind the mask of BDSM, scammers and bots. Just use common sense and make sure you vet really well before giving any personnel info or agreeing to meet in person. The main thing is to relax and have fun. Don’t try to rush anything. Finding a mate in this world is hard enough. Add to that that you have kinky needs and it’s even harder. Don’t give up hope, your soul mate is right around the corner.

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subfrenzy1978-blog · 8 years ago

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My Introduction

First I'd like to state that I have over 18 years experience as a switch with more sub/little tendencies. I've been the sub/little in several relationships. I've been the Domme in a few relationships. I've been active in the local community and I've hidden quietly behind the scenes. I've done my own research on numerous topics within the BDSM lifestyle and I've experimented and even perfected more than a few techniques. I've had healthy relationship. And, I've fallen victim to abusers hiding behind the mask of BDSM. Because of those life lessons I've been obliged to seek counseling for trauma and to learn tools to use in forming healthy relationships. I was fortunate enough to find a counselor who I could be open and upfront with about my lifestyle. Not only did she explain to me why the lifestyle is beneficial for me she encouraged me to continue in it, safely. She helped me see more clearly red flags I would often miss and gave me advice on how to move forward and get out of the toxic cycle of abusive relationships. I'm now married to my Daddy Dom and we have been together for 2 1/2 years. I love him with all my heart and he has earned my full submission. We live our lifestyle 24/7. I am active on a few Facebook groups and love giving advice and helping teach. My goal is to post topics that have been brought up often in the community and give a clear image of my view and what I have learned over the years. I invite you to take this journey with me.

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