submissivebarbieblog

[submissivebarbieblog]

(Blog Full)

Your asking for characteristics, traits or something that you would perceive from another person that would let you know that they are a female. So it would have to be something all woman have in common and it would have to be distinguishable from non woman. so it would not be something you perceive from people who aren't woman. It could not be how we look like, we dress, our makeup or hair. Not all woman have those things in common. It could not be the presence, absence or function or failure of any of our body parts because not all woman have those things in common. It can't even be our chronozones because there are so many conditions that mix those up that not every woman have those in common. The only thing woman have in common is that we know were woman. - Tik Tok

So it has come to this. Opinions voiced in verbal opinions based on facts beyond there comprehension. As I went to check the mail I passed a father and a child. Naturally the child was curious as all children eye. There’s someone coming toward them with a collar, 6 inch boots, makeup & spikes. If a child has not witness this before there curious. The child asked “Who’s that?” and the father responded in the most vile of ways. “A mistake son, someone confused with the body god gave them. They will not be going where we go when we die”. I Stopped and before the second door closed I spoke loud enough they could hear me “ Your judgement of someone else does not make you any better sir”.

As i spoke the last word’s i could see his aura shift. I’m sure he’s used to being the last to speak. It never crossed his mind that I would speak back. I Learned the power of voice when I was younger. Trauma can be a catalyst for good, just takes time. When i spoke reality also spoke that not everything is how he see’s it. The point of this post is not blame, but a vision of ignorance this world we love so much has to offer. We don’t need fist or violence. Word’s are just as powerful and in one sentence truth can destroy a lie. He loaded the gun, then was surprised when I pulled the trigger.

[submissivebarbieblog]

Masterbaition is only the admiration of someone else till you cum. It does not mean you want to fuck them, it does not mean you want to be with them. It's just a mutual erotic fixation. The issue is people take it further then this, make excuses to justify What is considered disgusting. They may be a model but never think there "Your" model. They may take off there clothes but this does not make them a "slut" just has a job. Because she giggled or laughed at your joke does not mean she was "asking for it". I'm tired of this religious or political bullshit spewed on a daily bases. Tired of the so called "Reality". I’m lucky enough to know many females and males. Some are streamers, some are onlyfans models and other are just gorgeous. I’m not afraid to say someone turns me on and not scared to tell them there gorgeous. Society would like to tell you about sexual harassment, about common behavior. Most of these are great idea’s but they do not fit everyone. It’s called common sense, it’s called thinking with on your own. Treat people how you wanted to be treated. Religion wants to tell you don’t have sex before marriage, that breastfeeding in public is indecent exposure and we need to think of the children. We had sex to make a child. Our first exposure to nudity is our own mother. We came out of her honey pot and so with a little logic you start to see the absurdity in this situation.

If we want this world to stop being so crude I have a solution. If a person is raped then take there reproductive features. If a person is offended we talk it out and try and get to the root. If someone is mentally challenged or indeed messed up we don’t give up on them, we try to help them but keep them away from society. We need drastic steps, we need change.

[submissivebarbieblog]

It’s Been A Minute..

I Saw the child trying to protect himself, a mother is a savior and now he’s deflecting her attacks. His emotion’s are torn with part of him believing he deserver's it. She raised him, gave birth to him. His instinct’s are telling him a conflicting story as self preservation becomes a crucial role. I Hate that I could see threw his eyes, hate i could feel his emotions and hate this is happening. Most would just see a mother abusing her child, i feel him and the betrayal hurts. It takes someone who been in that exact situation to understand the turmoil. I Don’t know how much time she stole from this childhood, how much this will effect him. I Just know one second is to far and abuse should never be tolerated.

This incident has not left my mind since it happened. That child’s eyes are forever in my mind and I'm thankful I was able to save him. I’m thankful someone cared enough bedside's me to set the soul of a child free. You can tell me your proud of my actions but those words are meaningless. I May be writing this so I can move on but I know the road of healing is a tough one. What a broken home does to one’s soul and the worst is far from over. With all that’s in me, I'm sorry little one. I Have to have faith in your strength, and that now you can paint the color’s with your imagination. I Looked in the eyes of a father a broken father, saw the tears of pain fall from his eyes and felt his embrace of generosity. I’m glad he has you, someone who still cares deeply like a parent should. Without you his life could and would be completely different. Because of you he can become a doctor, a mechanic.

As i got the mail, I caught the name’s on the mailbox. Now one last name has emotions it never did before. It’s moment’s in life that afterword's nothing is the same. With all the spite in me i hope she pays, i hope karma gives her something terrible but i hope most one day he can forgive her and that she can reflect on her actions. As i looked at the mailbox I see a laughing family at a kitchen table. The kid now grown up stealing the last leg from the turkey as the father joking gasp in shock. It’s Christmas and there all laughing, eating and joking. Dreams, fucking dreams.

- Written, Moving On, Best Of Luck Sweetheart.

[submissivebarbieblog]

Dreams #01

The rooms were familiar, they were expanded. In an apartment with a knock on the door as my fears become reality. Someone lied and now were getting evicted from the apartment. There looking for drug’s, there a snitch and she said I was also the culprit. I Beg with tears falling down my face, nick is confused as the incident unfolds. “I Don’t do drugs, it’s a fucking lie” / “Search you won’t anything”. The apartment a fantasy with dislocated reality as they search. They converse like a pack of hyena’s, discussing our outcome and then.. my eyes open. Illusion’s over, reality set into place. 

[submissivebarbieblog]

The Final Bullet In The Chamber

There is a disorientation between heart and mirror. This disorientation dug into me so deep I was bleeding out. For about three years I would take my sleep medicine and as I emptied out the bottle in my palm. I Would ask myself if today was the day. It’s true when someone goes dark there will be signs but NOTHING will prepare you for the eventual crash. I’m finally ready to talk about this, because though I'm not fixed, iv got my fight back. A Fight I truthfully at the end of my marriage. 

The end of my marriage was a bullet to the brain. She didn’t want kids, she could have them and I could not. I Wanted to fucking strangle her, I fucking despised her because I could take a maybe but with her it was never. She never wanted to see threw my eyes, my emotions meant jack shit to her. Then after i left she had a kid? What was i nothing, I did everything fucking possible for this cunt and now I'm nothing but a fucking sex toy. It’s true the last year but at the end it was like shoveling glass in my mouth and swallowing. I Was bleeding inside and then pushing it aside.  So I ran, and for years I lived a façade. My mental disorders, my abuse, my relationship all eating at me. If they found out would they still love me, or will they all walk like everyone else. If they found out my perverted jokes were a darker substance. I Quoted myself saying if u put the bible in front of me i would be the definition of sin. That bullshit book is a restraining order about what to do and what fucking not to do. If I didn’t follow it I let down those who raised me, but everything i am is taught a sin. Were not supposed to eat an apple because it gained knowledge talk about a god complex. Holding humanity by the throat because you can’t take someone maybe overpowering you. Don’t have sex before marriage, religious nuts with promise rings. So if I bust a nut I'm going to hell, if I get aroused that’s temptation and when you give into temptation you risk your place in a land no one knows a shit about? The bible talks about forgiveness were is your forgiveness when someone is beating you near a inch of your life, where's your forgiveness when i was raped and cried for help. I’m supposed to love god but to do so i have to give up on everything.

In the end on that day I was on my knees and I promised myself I'm done, either this takes me out and i don’t have to live like this anymore. Or if I live I'm taking down all this bullshit, I'm not living for anything that’s gonna put me on a crucifix. If your gonna mess with me then bet your ass I'm not scared to bleed. I’m taking you down with me. I Swallowed pills with tears, i kept swallowing them and guess what either i was lucky and all this was a bullshit miracle, or it was a miracle. Either way, it don’t matter it’s the end result. Watch me now, see how i smile, watch me fight tooth to bone and hear me speak uncompromised. Fucking hypocrites Brandie, Francisco and fucking followers like Tricia. I Can’t stand by your teaching’s because that book has no fucking precedence in my life. I Don’t want to be saved, i don’t want my life in anyone else’s hands and living in regret on a fucking notion.

Your teachings of one thing, then turn around doing another and this was what i was supposed to live my life on. Your not parent’s ,teachers, friends, your not hero’s but god damn fucking hypocrites and yes I'm pissed. I Trusted u more then life and this is all i got. If following you means death then i choose life, and if living to my own dreams means in your eyes that i’m going to hell. I’m fucking having a god damn BBQ. Since i woke up, i have a sleep schedule, i have a smile and holy crap I'm smiling so happy. Iv met people, talked with people. I Never knew life could be this good. If u feel conflicted, then please don’t live with regrets. We were born to fly and all that’s happening is your falling. Cut them out and watch yourself fly.

I Have ghost face with me a lot because a plushie is my coping. I Had zero bad thoughts walking into the dentist office because i had him. Sure i got looks but who cares. My life my fucking way. I’m not scared to show u my face because it’s not me. My makeup, me being a trans is me. I’m not male I'm female and the female u want to fuck with. If u love me stay, if i offend you then walk i’m done caring because I'm focusing on me. 

[submissivebarbieblog]

How?

This was the post I was dreading. It’s my heart, my soul and the truth. I Was walking to Bardwell Elementary and on my way a kid I had pissed off a couple days prior was waiting for me. Anthony proceeded to pull a gun out his backpack and pointed it straight at me. I Remember vividly telling him to do it, that if he felt it was what he must do then do it. I Had a death wish and just didn’t care. I Didn’t care because my heart was no longer in it. The abuse at home was tough but looking in the mirror was the toughest. I Didn’t know why, i thought there was something wrong with me. If Anthony pulled that trigger it would have taken me from that.

I’m a transgender, and no one taught me. Every time I expressed myself it was another fight. People ask me how did I know. The truth is I didn’t and I was found crying one day at school by my gym teacher after school. If I went home, I had to take off makeup. My makeup was my real face but it got me beaten at home. I Was fucking worthless. I Don’t know why but she told me to come into the classroom and take a seat and closed the door behind her. She proceeded to pull up a chair and sat down. Now my gym teacher was perfect, she was gorgeous. I Broke and I started to call myself worthless, explained the situation at home. That without my makeup I felt dead inside, but if I was caught with it on he would beat me, the kid’s at school mocked me. Here I am in front of the most gorgeous woman with my makeup a mess. She told me I was just different. That the wire’s in my head were different but that was not bad.

Lately iv been talking to Tami, red, Amy, Martha, Tracey and again I'm in that chair. I’m looking at the most gorgeous female’s I ever knew. It’s my brain to undress them, to see what they don’t have and maybe I can take something and apply it to myself. Some sexual arouse me, some don’t but the female form is my home. There has been clue’s all my life but it took so long to connect the dot’s. This Christian bullshit they fed into my head conflicting with my heart. When the book was put in front of me it explained me as the definition of sin. My wires are still cross and since I almost took my life iv never been so ashamed. I Woke up the final time and it felt like a weight pulled off my chest. Then it hit me that all my fighting, all i went threw would have been gone. The last example i would give those who need it would be take your life. I Almost left my friends, my hero’s behind. I Know some of the question’s i may ask are bizarre but they are there because in these blue eyes your perfection. I Want so bad to fucking be you.

So I got up and decided to fix my life. Answer the truth as hard as i can no matter how hard it hurt. I Was born trans, in the wrong body. I Didn’t know and till this moment there’s still time’s I question myself. I Just know there are the signs, that someone does not fight this hard for over 25 years without a reason. That i’ll be river and this is my answer to how i knew. I Just knew, it’s my heart.

[submissivebarbieblog]

I’ll intent

This is going under the cut for sensitive material.

I Was 8 when I met you, 9 when you first hit me, and by the age 15 I was destroyed by you. What right did you have to take your anger out on a child. It wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t good enough and so I deserved it? Your childhood was rough in Mexico, you didn’t have any of what I had and so I was apparently a spoiled brat. How does your upbringing and your fucked up childhood have to do with me. It doesn’t, you were and still are a tyrant with two face’s. The one everyone see’s with a smile, then the bastard who has to have everything your way. Remember the day i got expelled from a fight and you ask me why I got into a fight? How i replied “It’s because he’s Mexican” and you slammed me against the wall and choked me? I Stick by that statement and that fight till this day. Were you come from don’t matter, what sex you are don’t matter and if you think your entitled because of race more then me it’s bullshit. He was you, a tyrant like you and abusive bully just like you. On that day that I stood for myself, you nearly took my life because of your anger. Remember my makeup and how you used word’s like Faggot, dispraise and more. Wake up I'm trans, it wasn’t a faze, it wasn’t bullshit. It’s who i am and just because you could not fucking understand it gave you no right to make me bleed for it or throw me down stairs because of it. Till this day i can’t see why she loves you, how anyone could stand to be married to a bastard like you. The sad fact of this is there are children in this situation or worse. Knowing that they have to cower in a corner after a fucking punch because they don’t want more, they don’t want to bleed no more breaks my heart. I Once said I live for those I love and recently that’s changed. I want to stop bastard’s like you, save children from becoming me. The emotional toll, the bullshit quotes you and other’s like u spill are vile. It’s all your my fault because you can’t take the fault. I was a bastard, I lied and I cheated and it got so bad at home i could hear Carla in the other room crying. I Did push buttons, i did sneak food in the middle of the night because i was hungry. I’m not innocent and I'll never be but i got one up on you. I Can admit my mistakes. I Can hear it now I'm a liar and your family backs you up. My family believe in me, they trust in me so iv got nothing to prove. When i walked away i knew there was some thing’s I needed to say. I Don’t want to see you, hear your name or ever be related to you. I Don’t wish you I'll but happiness. Just stay the fuck away from me and my life. Now I'm taking everything back, everything you stole from me. I Deserve it back, my mental status, my drawing and my right to fucking live.

[submissivebarbieblog]

Part of keeping your mindset is a clean area. I’m slowly getting things organized. A New holder for lipstick, blush, brush. A Ghost holder for my ring’s and a pumpkin tote for makeup pallets. Then what’s a better jar then one labeled heroine for candy. 

[submissivebarbieblog]

Forgive Me Father, For I Got off on the cross.

Note : This blog contains sexual content. It’s not for everyone. For this reason I'm writing this beforehand. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Rough play is said to be an effect of trauma from early event’s in life. This is debatable. I Have loved pain for as long as I can remember. My sexual preference is not from the abuse. In ways I actually loved the hit, the taste of blood. The trauma comes from the emotion’s. That these people were my family, my protector’s and the anger they spewed, the hate for my existence was at the forefront of my abuse, my rape. When i flinch now it’s because of emotions, the flashback of this situation

I Actually take offence when someone says my sexual desire is a product of this time. Your judging me like everyone else, judging me without even fucking knowing me. It’s human nature, it’s psychology it’s blah blah bullshit.

My biggest want and turn on is having someone’s hands around my throat. Getting that rush as I can’t breath then I look at them, look in the eyes knowing they love me. Not being scared to hurt me or make me bleed.  I Get a rush from needle’s, going to the piercer and the rush of adrenalines they that split second of pressure. There’s no better feeling then trusting someone else.

[submissivebarbieblog]

Hard-attack (Emotional Erection)

They say abuse in our youth leads to our nature as adults. I Liked the abuse even back then, make me bleed and I'll grin. It wasn’t the abuse that was traumatic but the emotions dealt. They were supposed to be there and were not, the hate in there eyes. It’s not the same for everyone, i could be a isolated case. It’s just the truth. I’m not scared of the needle during my dentist, I'm scared of having someone I don’t trust at the helm. I’m at the end of the day ruled by emotion and love pain.

Never underestimate the traumatic effects of anger, of failed inspirations. Were  are all different with different effects. This is the gift and the downfall of humanity. A Lack of understanding coped with ignorance. If you would just listen, just see the truth is in front of you.

[submissivebarbieblog]

Unkindled Mindfuck

Inside it breaks, my heart breaks. I Don’t want confrontation even if in 30 minutes everything’s fine. 

Today it happened with someone i love with all my heart. Inside my skull whispered if they love you then speak. They won’t go anywhere. I’m not asking you to understand my reason just that I'm not doing anything with intent of harm. It’s become know that iv walked away from Carla and when asked why..... it’s scary how easy it was to tell the truth. That the past can not be resurrected and the incident's haunt me. I’m the survivor of traumatic abuse that I didn’t deserve. It was scary to scream “She abused me, i trusted her and she let that happen. She’s darkness, she’s fucking depression”. Then i got asked what about the dentist and that we need her. “I Don’t fucking care, I'll pay in a plan. I have friends who would rather help me then see me go back to that bitch”  I’m giving this everything I got, I have dreams now and I needed to put breaks in my life just so I have something to look forward toward. So my condition’s don’t eat me alive. This is me doing everything I fucking can to stay sane because the government don’t give a shit about me. Go ahead now, look in my eyes and tell me I'm not free. In January I'll be going into online schooling for my G.E.D because so bad I want to work, I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing him. I’m not him, I never fucking was him. At this point your with me or you get out my way. I’m not living for you and I refuse to bleed for them.

This is me saying I'm putting everything I can, all my power behind this punch. That I'm willing to trust my family if i fall. I Took everything away and said fuck it to be free and with nothing hidden I can speak so free, but I'm fucking terrified. It’s terrifying just speaking. I Shut up because i was scared of loosing you and now if i speak i risk just that. It’s scary shutting everyone down that needs to finally be shut down. Down with the hypocritical, speak and I'll make you bleed for I'm not here for mind games.

[submissivebarbieblog]

Black Number 69

Note : I Have done two movie reviews, a Facebook post and now were here. This is my main outlet and there’s more I need to say. 

You're not the only one who's afraid of the world outside You're not the only one who's given in to fear and tried to hide My hands are bleeding from the digging, and the building of New barriers and walls that keep me safe from all that I once loved - Flesh Field (Haven)

Yesterday was a mindfuck. Sometimes when your faced with a situation it’s in that situation that breaks everything you knew. I Don’t think I'll ever get over what a friend showed me. It was a complete molestation of everything I knew that brought with it possibilities. This bitch I see in the mirror, I can smash her into pieces. There’s a chance of freedom and this idea after fighting for so fucking god damn time put’s tears into my eyes. It makes me so fucking happy I don’t need to be that god damn pathetic shit excuse they saw of me. I Asked for a sign when I tried to take my life. I Was screaming inside, dead inside. I Didn’t want to live in this situation anymore. Life was face fucking me so god damn hard and i could not see threw the tears. Past meets present, family, freedom fuck the signs are real. They keep hitting me, beating me down and now I'm laughing like a maniac after the fucking damn slaughter. 

I am me, this is me. I was never him, you force fed me that god damn bullshit. For so long I could regurgitate it and still mimic your lies. He was not worth a life only because he was a illusion of your delusion. Face me now and watch me smack that fucking smirk off your abusive and arrogant face, laugh with me now and I'll show u the true definition of loyalty. This is not a family it’s a revolution. I know, my language is unique, my analogies are unique and could be considered offensive. Now let me give you a equation and i want you to think of the solution. Am i really that offensive? Or is it what you were taught is offensive? Are you scared of something new, classify me offensive so it’s easier to swallow? 

I open my eyes, the day another possibility. There’s truth in life and i find comfort in no afterlife. I Use to save just to relive, now I save out of need and live knowing a moment is not just a second but a memory. A Experience meant for one time execution’s. There's bliss in the ignorance and life in the unknown. 

[submissivebarbieblog]

BOMB V.3

[submissivebarbieblog]

OLDSCHOOL BOMB V.2

[submissivebarbieblog]

OLDSCHOOL V.1

[submissivebarbieblog]

#SLUT-BOMB V.2

[submissivebarbieblog]

#SLUT-BOMB V.1