summercurial

[summercurial]

Did you ever have sex with sleepover guy? I was rooting for you and him to hook up at least once...

we didnt have sex but we did have like 5-10 gentle, sometimes lengthy makeout seshes. usually after he slept over. which was fun!

[summercurial]

Sometimes I get this feeling like. I should, at some point, do PIV, as the penetrative partner. Like. Just for the sake of yknow. I can, biologically (I mean. To completion? Idk) and I never have and it's a huge part of what the human experience is to so many people. But I don't like...want to. I think I would have to have a very specific friendship with a person for it to be viable

[summercurial]

I wonder if your sex viewpoints have relevant information for my brain problems? I was thinking about this.

So for all my life I've had this weird thing where like, it's really hard to describe, but like. Say I lay down in bed, and I want to go to sleep. Well, in order to do that I have to lay still for a while. But often it feels like some lower layer of my mind hasn't "gotten the memo", and might still cause me to move. Sometimes this resolves after laying there for a few minutes, finding a comfortable position. But more often I have to resolve it by pinning my arms and legs under my body (leading to a weird sleeping position) so they CAN'T move. And eventually something in my mind "clicks", goes "ok I get the message", and "agrees not to move me".

Same when making a decision. I can know exactly what I want to do, but it's like I don't trust myself to follow through. Not for any REASON, just because it hasn't "clicked". But I think about it enough, just sort of focus on the intent to do the thing, and then it "clicks" and I feel like it's been made real, I'm actually going to do it.

Or what I get anxious, my anxiety will nag at me until eventually it "clicks" that I don't have to worry about the thing.

Sex too, sexual arousal really triggers this. When I was younger I would often shiver uncontrollably when I got aroused, very unpleasant. Then eventually it would "click" that like... I didn't have to shiver? Idk, and then I could jerk off or whatever.

What doesn't work now is this clicking, it's why I feel like my thoughts are all crazy and all the other shit. I thought it was like, a particular tic or something not working, but it seems deeper in my brain, some kind of deep brain click. When it doesn't work, my thoughts run wild and get very weird, but also my body is constantly super uncomfortable and, well, all the other crazy shit.

You've talk about like, being a sub, and shit. And I started thinking: does any of this resonate with any of that? Is there like, some decision making problem that comes up in sexual situations for you that is reminiscent of this? I vaguely recall something like that.

Uh like, the getting hit thing too. I've always liked pain to some degree in a non-sexual way, it makes me feel "really here". And in the past I've had self-harming compulsions that I've used to trigger this click. Does that ring a bell with like, why you wanted to get punched and shit?

No pressure to answer this serious ask on your sex blog

hmm, it's interesting. and no worries, this blog has become sort of whatever since the orchi. anyway i think my sub stuff is fundamentally social in nature. like. i do find it very hard to make choices beyond the very simple in sexual situations. there's no "clicking" like what you're talking about it, it's more like a feeling of fear, fear-paralysis, but also a strange lack of specific desire. like i get very disassociated from my desiring organ. like its not even really that i have wants that i feel nervous about enacting. its more like a sort of distance from the situation. a feeling that theres a role im supposed to be acting, and i dont know how to do it right. so i like instructions. there was an episode of peep show about this...

oh i also have a weird paralysis thing in non-sexual contexts, where, occasionally i'll be just laying there, and i'll want to get up, but i "cant", i cant move. like im not paralyzed exactly but its kind of like that, its like my will wont do anything, its too feeble to move the "weight" of my body. and i can only get out of it by waiting a long time, or by like moving a finger, and then a wrist, and then an arm, and then im out. idk whats up with that

the getting hit is also weird and social and nature. i thing i have something sort of like what you're describing, where sometimes i get these weird "wrongness" headaches and sometimes pain makes the wrongness go away, things snap into place. i think its related to what a therapist called "obsessive compulsive tendencies", i will get this sort of intense wrongness about certain things and need to make them right. like my hands will often acquire a sort of "ambient grime" even if they dont touch anything, and sometimes very frequently, and so i would keep water on me at all times and gently wet them. i guess its an autism thing maybe.

but i also have this catholic(?) thing where when i feel prideful i get this sort of desire to be physically hit. i think so i can feel like an underdog...? i have no idea. its very strange. but its an intense desire i get sometimes. also pain is nice because its easy. like if someone wants to make my body feel good, well, they can try things, and often it wont work, because my body isnt good at feeling good. and then i have to tell them that it doesnt work, and that sucks. but if they hurt me

anyway this is not very helpful for your thing i think. i think i sort of understand the "click", a little. the "wrongness headaches" have been at times almost debilitating. i get them particular bad when im experiencing cognitive dissonance, or something is ego-dystonic, or whatever. i dont really understand their deal. i think theyre sometimes called "tension headaches", but its more pressure than tension....i would think about drilling holes in my head a lot as a teenager, they were bad then

[summercurial]

so hows your love life ?

well. im moving soon so its weird. i went over to that guy's place again, but i didnt do any sexual stuff with him this time. we didnt even kiss. we just sort of hung out. i probably will not see him again. he pretty clearly wanted us to do more, and i wasnt sure if being there would make me want to do more, but it didnt, so i didnt. i feel weird about the whole thing but also like ive discharged some duty that was eating at me. he hasnt contacted me again. we'll see if he wants to schedule something, how to turn him down

ive still been occasionally making out with the guy id been cuddling for years. its nice. he's exceedingly sweet. hes so sweet. and i enjoy making out with him. i feel weird cuz im leaving, and cuz im so much more experienced than him with...all this. but it can just be nice.

im hoping to get back into dating once im in nyc. sex and the city. but im not sure how i want to do it. i think i dont want to do tinder and bumble. i wonder if i can get actual dates off grindr. i think i can, it worked in paris

[summercurial]

ok yknow that dude who'd been like sleeping over in my bed for...like years, but who i'd never actually done anything with? we actually made out last night! and this moring. it was pretty good. i was worried his beard would feel weird but it felt good (ive felt some weird feeling beards). i still had to make the first move smh... like repeatedly. whatever he's a little timid. it was really nice!

however it does evaporate what residual interest i had in that other guy. i kind of feel like i should send him the 100 dollars back. but also like. idk. the whole thing is so weird. why did he venmo me 100 dollars. i DID suck his dick. whatever. anyway he was kind of pushy about sex in a way i really didnt like, i said i didnt want to that night and he was like "you could sleep over on friday, would you want to then?" (im not expressing it right. bleh). dudes do this to me a lot, they try to like cajole me into having sex with them. its not like it's never worked but like. it sucks! and makes me not like the guy

[summercurial]

cock is a little tryhard tbh. I have to already be horny to accept someone calling it their cock

[summercurial]

ok so three years ago i went over to this guys place and we talked on his buildings roof and tried to assemble some ikea furniture and made out a little. and then like. i think less than a week after i was with another dude and i had some. pretty dubiously consensual sex. so i didnt really want to do stuff with guys for a while and i semi-ghosted the first guy (i mean, i told him i didnt want to talk for a while. and then when he kept messaging me i ignored him). anyway he deleted tinder at some point so we lost contact. yesterday he sent me 100 dollars over venmo and asked me text him (i did not previously have his number. id actually looked for him a couple times over the years but i didnt have enough info to find him. idk how he found my venmo). and today we had a date

it was nice! he's funny. lives kind of terribly. barely any furniture. HUGE pile of cardboard boxes (like, human height) in his barely decorated living room. he's strange, i think he makes jokes when he's uncomfortable so there was a lot of strange awkward jokes while we made out and stuff. he basically didnt touch my chest at all but was very enthuased about my butt. maybe he's just an ass guy? a bit odd. sucked his dick some. planning to meet up again on friday, maybe sleep over. well se ehow it goes

[summercurial]

Sometimes we have some levity

[summercurial]

not km but not not km: headpat bukkake. 10 hot guys stood in a circle gently petting you, clothed. hands all over you but not in a sexual way.

HMM i think this might end up being weirdly more embarassing than the sexual version of this. in some sort of pile it would be normal and fun though...

[summercurial]

I think maybe my thing is that I am in fact not sexually normal, what is hot to me is somewhat strange, its just not hardcore at all (anymore? Ever?). Possibly I would be a lot more into hardcore stuff if I didn't have a ton of experience with guys trying to get me to do relatively hard core stuff that I didn't want to do. So it's too real. Oh and I hate playing pretend

[summercurial]

Confirmed still sexually strange. Had a dream where a fictional friend gave me strange cryptic instructions in an authoritative tone in a public environment that I felt sort of compelled to try to follow when he said them. Weird social discomfort emotions with the eye contact and ambiguity. Vague shame plus embarrassment. Woke up hard but anxious .

Strange sort of cryptic instructions were actually pretty common from dudes Ive done stuff with, partly because I was nonverbal and meek so it was hard to clarify and I'm bad at that stuff, partly I think cuz some of them found it fun to confuse me.

I think my sexuality has become tied up with the autism in a kind of interesting way, confusion re social cues and stuff can lead to a lot of powerful emotions and especially a feeling of (potentially unwilling) dependence on someone else who understands stuff better. I'm not sure I've read any porn with this dynamic, the closest is stuff where the dom speaks the local language and the sub doesn't. Which gets at a good chunk of it. Autism porn for autists...

[summercurial]

are the channers voicemaxxing? i mean i know they are a little. but i feel like not nearly as much as theyre getting big. people underrate the voice! a good voice is a really attractive feature in a dude. i feel like the photography+internet+porn+dating apps has deemphasized the voice significantly, it's all about how things *look* yknow?

theres obviously an analogous phenomenon with transitioning. esp ecause its much easier to see how you look than hear how you sond, there's no "voice mirrors", only recordings (i guess some sort of tube....) anyway. i should really voice train more but the AAA guy yesterday asked if it was my mom on the phone when he saw me in person. i think my voice has a large dgeree of variation in femininity, and when i want to be taken seriously, am tlaking about math, etc, i instinctively lower my voice

[summercurial]

crazy how despite all the people calling themselves animalgirlbodypart, there is this very blog which was, in retrospect, authored by a doggirl's testes.

:0 i guess a lot of people's blogs are authored by their testes and they never knew...

[summercurial]

whats your position on getting your ass ate. now that youre normal

still seems weird to me

[summercurial]

what if you had an owners manual

tbh i havent had sex in like. 2 years. idk if im a sub anymore. maybe im normal

[summercurial]

Needinf sex less is a nice part of becoming a eunuch but liking touch less is unfortunate. I mean I still like touch. But I like it less, and the like has to be sort of coaxed out of me. I'm very aware these days of the forces pushing me towards and away from human contact. (Unfortunately?) weed and especially alcohol are a potent push towards human contact, and so a very useful tool for someone prone to self isolation. But touch is also important, and now I have less in my anti-isolation arsenal

[summercurial]

the estrous cycle ask should have been sent to this blog.. just sayin

i had the same thought! not really erotic though. just kind of weird