sunflauer

[sunflauer]

And after sunny days, a storm is bound to appear.

There is nothing I hate more than being in the eye of the storm without an umbrella.

We've been having quite a few disagreements lately. Mostly because we are literally opposites attracted to each other. And we are so different that we get disappointed or feel betrayed when the other one does not feel the same thing with the same amount of intensity.

Even if we give our best, maybe our best is not even a little to them. Maybe some problems are too big to be fixed with "I love you". Maybe some wars are not meant to be won, they are just meant to hurt you.

How can we make someone feel better when all the things we can offer them are not going to help? What do you do when the problem you have to fix is yourself?

I feel like a failure. Like all the words I wrote here are fake. After each fight, each disagreement, each misunderstanding, I think of those two teenagers that fell in love through text messages. Those kids had more hope than the two of us combined. It saddens me to see how the world tores us apart and rips all the hope and wonder away from our young hearts.

How can a problem be so difficult you have no words to mend it? How can it make you feel so small and vulnerable? How can it make you feel that way when it all happened under your ruling?

This is a tiny part of what I feel like when I have a fight with him. I try to answer in the way he would want, but no words sound good enough to me. So I choose silence. And I can see how mad he gets when I opt to stay quiet. But nothing I have to say will help our situation. My thoughts are going as fast as the speed of light and even though they are all connected to our problem, they are side issues that won't allow us to come up with a viable solution. Just nuances that are mine to take care of.

I don't know if he still reads this blog. Part of me hopes he doesn't. But if you do, you should know I am in a really bad place, mentally and physically. I hate my life, I hate my body and I hate myself. I don't know if therapy is the answer but I just know that I don't like my life right now and that is part of the reason why I may be so disconnected from reality. That is the reason why I cry every night and why it is difficult for me to come up with solutions. I am back in the black room I once was but now there are no weapons with me, only mirrors and no doors. It sucks. It's not your fault. But it sucks.

I hope to get better soon but I see no hope for myself at the moment. I am sorry about this. I hope you never get to read this because I don't know what I would say. So, if you do read this, here's a little advice from my past self: don't give me solutions. Give me a hug. Kiss me. Make me feel the warmth of that light I cannot find. I will find the solution to my problem. I don't need you for that. I need you to help me find hope so that I can fix it on my own. So, if you are reading this, just give me love in the truest form you can find. Thank you.

[sunflauer]

It's been a while...

Hello, everyone. I am going to be honest with you. I forgot my password hehe. But I found it.

I believe we are due for an update.

So the love of my life and I are still together. It's been 44 months since we made it official and we have lived a lot since then. I am once subject away from becoming a teacher, which is insane... and I don't want to be a teacher. I want to do something else... I just cannot seem to find an answer to that inquiry.

But going back to the boy who made me start this blog. We are in a new era but still very much in love. He moved a few months ago. He is not super far away, but he is not as close as he used to be before. Our schedules are crazy. He works A LOT and I don't work as much as he does, but when I do, it is usually during his free time. However, we manage to make it work.

This year, it'll be 4 years since we started dating. I know we will make it far because we work hard for us to meet that bright future. And I am sure we will get there <3

[sunflauer]

cupping your face in my hands and caressing your cheek like you're the most precious human alive. because you are

[sunflauer]

smooshing your face between my hands and giving you a million little kisses until you're all happy and giggly and giddy and blushy and loved

[sunflauer]

I took him to a guided dinner at an Asian restaurant

It was a surprise and I have never seen him so damn happy in our whole relationship. I am going to marry this boy and give him all the love he deserves for the rest of both our lives

[sunflauer]

We are finally 3 years into our relationship and we have never been happier about it. We are short on money so big gifts are out of the picture, but... in a few days, he will be celebrating his birthday, which is why I am planning something, as usual :)

Now, I've discovered that he has this blog as one of his favourite pages in his computer, even if I write something every 9 months (🥹) so I won't be telling you everything until we do it.

[sunflauer]

Me, to my boyfriend of 2 years: You said you liked my lips?

Boyfriend: Yes, I do.

Me: But they're chapped.

Boyfriend, cupping his hands and holding both of my cheeks with his warm hands: *kisses my broken lips a few times* that is what boyfriends are for! *licks my nose*

[sunflauer]

Showing me a picture of a bug or flower you found is a love language

[sunflauer]

HIIIIII

It's been a while, hasn't it?

My boyfriend and I are still together after all this time. We're just incredibly busy and I am so used to his adorable self and lovely words that I barely have the time to write about them anymore.

Should I go back to writing the ones I remember?

Anyways, in less than 2 weeks, we are having dinner because of our 2-year-anniversary!!

He has no idea where we are going or what his present is. I just hope he likes it.

I'll show you after it's done.

I may restart this blog after all.

Toodles!

[sunflauer]

I want a romantic sort of love. I want a breakfast in bed sort of love. I want a let's watch a movie & cuddle sort of love. I want a forehead kisses whenever the feel like sort of love. I want a let's travel the world together sort of love. I want a your arms are my safe place sort of love. I want a let's make love on a random Tuesday night sort of love. I want to love & be loved.

[sunflauer]

Yesterday, we were both tired, talking nonsense and barely understanding each other, replying to each other in our minds instead of out loud and wondering why the other could not hear it. And when you said you loved me, all I wanted to say was "I love you more". I wanted to say that and I wanted to paint you a picture of what happened in my brain as I thought of that. I thought of a word document of at least 500 pages. It was its printed version and the title spelled "I love you more". Explaining why I love you on a word document makes sense as I'm used to writing about many things. But what called my attention was the colorful spots underneath the title. There were three spots as big as olives on the line below, one next to the other and with tiny subtitles under them. The first one was a soft shade of pink, resembling a strawberry flavored cookie dough. It felt sweet and kind. And the subtitle read "2018-2019"; the years when I saw you as just a friend. The spot next to it was as pink as the sky is sometimes in the evenings when the sun goes to sleep for a while. It felt bubbly and exciting. And after reading "2019-2021" I understood why. These were the years when I had a crush on you and I wasn't aware of it. And lastly, the last spot on the page, the bright red spot with the years "2021-now" written below, symbolizing the strong feelings I have for you, showing how far down I have fallen for you. For what I can understand, we love each other so much because of those colors, because of the different types of love we have and never lost. Those three colors, that whole paper, all of the things attached to that one fleeting thought was what I wanted to tell you last night and couldn't. So here you have it.

[sunflauer]

"Thank god for you, I don't know what I would do without you in my life.. someone else wouldn't put up with me the way you do, someone else wouldn't hold me when I cry, no one else could love me the way you do, so I thank god every day for you."

The butterflies in my chest flutter from my vest, cause I know you are the best and I feel so very blessed - eUë

[sunflauer]

Do you want to make pizza and kiss? 👉🏻👈🏻

[sunflauer]

this

this is why I am so in love with him.

how he sees nothing but beauty in the ugliness of my gifts.

how he doesn't see the annoyance in my jokes or laugh.

how being away from me feels like torture to him.

he cares and it shows.

he loves in more ways than I could write and I see them everyday.

guess who has two thumbs and has just ruined her only valentine's day gift.... 👍🏻this gal!👍🏻

[sunflauer]

thanks, handsome 💕

“That’s what people do who love you. They put their arms around you and love you when you’re not so lovable.”

— Deb Caletti

[sunflauer]

guess who has two thumbs and has just ruined her only valentine's day gift.... 👍🏻this gal!👍🏻

[sunflauer]

"I will love you deeply and sincerely, I will love you every time that you are near me, I will love you with my whole heart, I will love you under a blanket of stars, I will love you cause it makes me so happy, I will love you every time that you start laughing, and every time that you smile.. cause loving you is my one and only style. I will love you.."

I will always love you cause you are just so great - eUë