sunflowers-and-buddhas-blog

[sunflowers-and-buddhas-blog]

FED UP

Do you ever have a gut feeling that everything you’re doing is wrong, that the decision you’re about to make is completely going to make you unhappy? That’s how I feel about moving to a new apartment with K.D. And our impending engagement. Not only did I settle early, but I feel like I will never truly know what the male penis can do. Ha. Anyway. I want the life that H.M has, sleeping around and living up her 20′s, traveling, camping on the weekends, and here I am working 7 days a week, 60 hours, and always wondering whether I’m doing the right thing with the right person. Stay tuned to see if I go through with it. I probably will. Because I’m stupid. Help me. 

[sunflowers-and-buddhas-blog]

Another whirl-wind week

So you must already be incredibly tired of listening to me complain, but remember friends, my opening statement did say that I was here to complain. Now onwards to the complaining. This week hasn't been especially great for me. I have been feeling stupid and fat and have been taking it out on Kevin and it has been manifesting itself in ways that I don't necessarily agree with. 

I have been feeling stupid because of this new job I started. Part of my brain realizes that I have been working there a grand total of 2 weeks and that I couldn't possibly know everything that I need to know, but then another part of me is saying that I’m young and that my brain should pick up on these things faster. I don't want to annoy the girl training me and that's what I feel like I am doing. I need to be hirable and right now, the chances of me getting hired there permanently are 0%. Which is bad bc I really want to leave my part time job. That however, doesn't look like it’s happening. I really like the people and I could foresee being able to learn the job eventually, but not in the amount of time I have been currently given. Which makes me upset :( I really need a steady job. If I could learn this job, I would be good at it. So yeah, that's why I’m feeling stupid. 

I have been feeling fat for obvious reasons. As I think I have stated previously, I have gained 25 pounds since college started and I cannot seem to get any of it to come off. I tried to do weight watchers and I lasted 2 days. That's it. That's terrible. I want to maybe starve myself (sorry, but it would work), but I love food so much that I cant stop eating it. The last time I was my goal weight,  was eating pizza and mountain dew almost everyday and was rarely home because of stage crew. I don’t know if that diet specifically was the reason I maintained good weight, but I need to be back to that weight. I wont even wear shorts or short sleeves that don't go past a certain place on my arm. I always suck in my stomach no matter what I’m wearing, baggy or not, all because of my weight. I have never in my life been this heavy and I hate looking at myself or envisioning myself from other peoples’ point of view because I must look hideous. I have a high school get together coming up and all the guy’s that I sexted in high school thought I was hot shit and now I’m a fat piece of shit and I just want to cry about it. I used to be so thin and guys wanted me and now no one wants me. My own boyfriend doesn't even want me. The reason I got mad at KD by the way is that he told me that we were getting engaged by the end of the year and then last night he says he doesn't have money for it. So guess what this motherfucker then does. He goes and buys a lot of stuff for his new business that he will never follow through on btw. So which one is it dude? You don't have the money or you have money just not for an engagement ring? Clearly his priority is not me. I need to wrap this up becuasee he is coming home soon. I will talk to you all later. 

Anonymous 

[sunflowers-and-buddhas-blog]

What a week

Okay so I realize it’s only Tuesday, but since I’ve posted last, I started my new job, dropped $200 on new clothes, and magically fit into a size (barely) that I haven’t purchased in a while. For me, that’s pretty crazy.

My new job is something I probably never would have applied for given the description of the job, but it’ s day 2 and I kind of already see how I could learn it given time. Technically I work for a temp agency and they asked me if I was interested in the job and I was bc hey, it was a full time job for a recently graduated female with a degree in English with 0 skills besides correcting grammar and reading books. It is a lot of data entry and memorization of steps for different jobs, but it could be worse. What's important is that it is a full time job and right now, that’s all I care about. I am nervous for the time when DB leaves for maternity, but I know the other office staff will be understanding of my predicament. So far, I really like everyone I’ve encountered there. They are all funny and sarcastic, which are my kind of people. You can’t survive a job like this without it. The owners are really chill, but like random note, the owner’s dad died on my first day. Like actually died. I felt terrible. She held it together really well since it had been kind of expected, but still. I can’t imagine. The girl training me is like 8 years older and pregnant which is why I’m at the office learning her job so that when she goes on maternity leave, I can take over her job. I give this girl mad props bc it is a very difficult job. She deals with customers, numbers, computers, and product all day long and she does it with such skill, it blows my mind. I hope to be half the employee she is. I do have my own desk, but it only has one pen and a cup for the pen. My bottom desk drawer is broken so I can only use the small top drawer so I don't even really bother. Also, I don't really use it bc DB is training me at her desk where the computer is.

There is also an office dog named Toby. He is an English bulldog and he’s so damn cute. Btw, I LOVE DOGS. They make me so happy no matter the breed. My favorite breed is pugs, but I can't get one for a while cuz they’re so damn hardtop find where I am. I have a dog named Chewy, he’s a pom and I love him so much. He’s such an angel and loves me unconditionally so what more could I ask for?

In other news, my shopping spree was not because I just decided that I didn’t like the clothes I had. I constantly purge my clothes if they don’t fit or I don’t wear them and donate them to those who will actually put them to good use. The problem was that I started this new job and literally had no clothes to wear. The owners of the company (who work in the office btw which is very cool and down to earth to me) have a very relaxed dress code just so long as we don’t wear ripped or gross looking clothing. My problem was that I had ONE SHIRT that was appropriate for work (not baggy, could be a business casual shirt if paired with the right pants) and NO PANTS OR CAPRIS THAT WERE WORK APPROPRIATE! Literally yesterday and today I wore capri leggings to work and wore a sweater over an ill-fitting shirt to work today just to pass. I’ve had a part time job for approx. the last 4 years so my uniform was all I needed for that job. Now that I am in a workplace setting like this, I realized that I had no proper clothing to wear. Which brings me to my previous total of $200. I bought 3 cardigans (I HATE showing my arms, I’ve gained quite a bit of weight for my size and they are GINORMOUS), 8 plain multi-colored t-shirts, 2 pairs of jean capris and 2 rompers. KD also bought me a pair of leggings from five below (which are too small, but I think I tossed the receipt). I went to Target and Walmart for my purchases. The sweaters and t-shirts came from Target and the capris and rompers came from Walmart. I had to put it on my credit card because I have $50 in my checking account till’ Thursday (Yay bills!). But the main point of this long paragraph is that I am now suitable to go to my place of employment without the embarrassment of re-wearing my capris and one proper shirt. I like to be covered hence the sweaters and capris. We are allowed to wear shorts, but I am not comfortable with my body showing, so I don’t wear them. My face is already fat enough, I don’t want to show anymore. 

Okay well that was more than I had planned to type so I bid you farewell and hope that ya’ll are happy and well and also hydrated.

Peace and blessings,

Anonymous

[sunflowers-and-buddhas-blog]

Opening

Hello all. As stated at the top of the blog, this is a blog for my own personal use. I intend to use is at a journal of sorts. I am hoping that I can use it to blow off some steam and also divulge secrets that I cannot seem to tell anyone else. As a follower of this blog (if you do so choose), you will get first hand experience being inside my head, reading my thoughts as they come, no matter the content. As a forewarning, I will not censor any of my words (I am a frequent user of colorful language) and I will also not hold back any gross content such as sex, bodily functions, medical issues, and other such topics. This also includes my political leanings. These posts will be discussing many matters in my life and could quite possibly just be a spot for me to rant about whatever may be going on, big or small. You (the reader) may find his blog to be boring or pessimistic; rest assured that in the real world I do give the appearance of semi-normalcy and composure. I intend to remain anonymous and will hopefully remember to change names to maintain this. I may slip up a couple times, but bear with me. In closing, I would like to thank you for spending part of your day with me and if you do so wish, I am willing to answer any and all questions about whatever. Thank you again for visiting. 

Anonymous 

P.S I will try to add some picture and gifs to my posts because I understand that strictly reading text posts is not fun.