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it's better, but we're not quite there yet.
you know the figure in the mirror is you. you know you're looking at yourself in the mirror, and the body you're looking out of is yours.
you don't see yourself.
#my post#my art#'what changed?' well i started thinking of myself as more of a guy instead of a girl#and suddenly the motherfucker in the mirror actually started looking more like Me instead of just That Body I Have#it also helps i'm doing stuff with my hair i like instead of just 'yeah do a pixie cut thanks'#and most of the clothes i'm wearing don't make me feel like i'm calling attention to my curves. these are just Dude Clothes.#like it's not perfect. i'd at least like top so i don't need the holsters. but i actually can see Me in the mirror nowadays.#it's even better when i pair my outfit with a hat >:3
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you know the figure in the mirror is you. you know you're looking at yourself in the mirror, and the body you're looking out of is yours.
you don't see yourself.
#my post#my art#this has only gotten better within the last few years but. i have no fucking clue how to explain the feeling.#it's basically looking in the mirror and thinking 'oh. it's me.' but also not seeing You in the person you're looking at.#you recognize all the features and you know that's your body but it's just a body you're looking at.#it's the feeling of being able to Draw You better than you can see You right now.#you're not in the mirror at all.
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grief
#my art#sees the imprint of a friend in all sorts of things and remembers#i still don't expect him to be dead but then i remember i can't just message him on a whim anymore#and then i get stuck thinkin about it.#i think it'd be easier if i didn't feel so fucking guilty about it but the note's still there.
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trying to practice a new thing where i picture my general state of being as a skittish and half-feral cat.
it’s going
#'how's the cat' they will not stop clawing at the everything and screaming#but at least they're not yowling inconsolably at the door right now
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do not want to be strong anymore, I only wish to be angry and vegetate
#my post#no one says this to be clear.#but like. between the grief and the incomprehensible amounts of mental bullshit i NEED to dig out of before i DIE#(/my quality of life and mental state are fucking abysmal) (/i cannot dig out of this without serious fucking help anymore)#i think if anyone did say i was so strong or brave for not trying or succeeding to jump in the last 10+ years#i would straight up just maul them. i would just fucking bite and not let go.#my art#and to be clear: my mental state has been THAT fucking bad. i just have like 27 mental locks in place so i don't try#this does not in fact make things 'better' it just means i ferment in the ideation instead of acting.#but hey at least there was a solid number of years i wasn't even properly ideating. yippee.
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i don’t know how to say what i’m thinking. please be patient. i’m not good at this.
#my post#my art#vent#haha 'vent' is like half the blog in a way#anyways i hate the fact that i can never seem to say what i'm thinking and can only write / type / draw it. that's the post.#trust me. i'd love to have a face-to-face conversation about what hurts like the tv people do.#but the words never come out right.
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say what you feel
communicating issues? communication issues.
#my post#my art#whoop there it is#basically this is just... i can never seem to say what i need to make people Understand what i'm saying-#(ESPECIALLY when it's an issue or something that doesn't feel right!!)#-and it's frustrating! it's really hard to know if it's just me not saing what i need to or if other people aren't listening#and i dunno how to fix it!#i don't know if i'm asking for a fix or if I just want people to Look and Understand here but like...#yeah i've got a lot of history with this. it's uh. a problem.#one of many... many... MANY problems.#...on a more fun note - the little kid is me from around pre-k! so baby 4 year old me!#in which i gave her shorts cause i feel like she'd appreciate it
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communicating issues? communication issues.
#my post#my art#taking this and putting it in a better spot...#i'm not really upset but i needed to get a reoccurring thought OUT of my head#also didn't wanna do a lot of sketching / effort so here's whatever this is.#also to clarify: nothing like this has happened recently but it's happened so often it feels inevitable#which probably tells you how frustrating this feels.
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Howdy
Welcome to the blog folks, name’s Jae. You can expect comics and art where I try to get my head out of the house, instead of yelling in the void.
“What do you expect this blog to accomplish?” Nothing, likely. Understanding or “verbalizing”, probably. Help, possibly. This is mostly an impulsive venture.
“Why are you drawing things instead of talking to people? Wouldn’t that be more helpful?” It’s also a lot harder for me to do effectively, and it’s incredibly intimidating.
“Is the blog name a reference to anything?” It’s half Van Gogh and half childhood memory. Maybe I’ll elaborate later.
#pin this#here's your tag center. use these to look around:#my post#my art#(i'll add more tags if / as needed)
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