sunflowers4boo

[sunflowers4boo]

(translation under cut)

ugh i havw a masdive headsge... i donfneven know where ir came feon. i didnt eveb drink anuthinh alcoholic foday. im pr9bably jusy tired. ive been stayung up latet than usual bsvause my insomnia is kickinh in. i'vw been thunking a lot sboyt my chikdhood and yeha thingd wwrw rough but kike.. it was srill a chikdhood...

im gojja try snd get some sleep ronighr. wieh me luck!!

translation:

Ugh. I have a massive headache... I don't even know where it came from. I didn't even drink anything alcoholic today. I'm probably just tired. I've been staying up later than usual because my insomnia is kicking in. I've been thinking a lot about my childhood and yeah things were rough, but like.. it was still a childhood...

I'm gonna try and get some sleep tonight. Wish me luck!!

[sunflowers4boo]

Hey, it's the middle of the night, but after a long talk with Ozzi, I wrote a little thing..

i want to hate you.

i want to grab at my hair

and scream at the top of my lungs

that i hate you.

i want to show you how many

scars you've left upon my back

at the amount of backstabbing you've left.

i want to roll up my sleeves

and show you the scabs i left.

i want you to see how long

i've been crying for my father,

only for him to turn away from me.

you claim you love me.

you claim you did the things with love.

but was it ever love

when you grabbed at my hair

and locked me away for days?

was it ever love when you

pretended i never existed?

had it been love when i ran away

and not even you noticed?

how much of that was love

that would bleed freely through my veins?

how much of that was love

that would comfort me whenever mama died?

i want to hate you,

but i can't.

i spent so many years,

lying that you loved me.

i spent so many years,

believing the lies i created

to justify why i deserved this apparent love.

now i'm no longer blind.

i see the love you sprayed me with

was nothing of love.

you brushed me aside

because you thought i killed your wife.

you claim you didn't blame me,

but i see that look in your eyes.

i see that you think of me to be a monster.

i see that you think of me to be a murderer.

i see that you think of me to be a traitor.

i didn't kill your wife.

but everyone blames me for it.

you, reesha, meleeri, all my brothers and sisters.

everyone.

i was blamed for it

because mama got sick after i was born.

i want to hate you,

but i don't blame you.

you needed someone to blame

and i was the perfect candidate.

a six year old boy

who didn't have a clue what death was

was perfect to take the blame from his father.

i spent too many years idolizing my father.

i thought of him to be an amazing man,

but now i see that he wasn't amazing.

he neglected all his children,

wishing they all went away

so he would have his wife.

[sunflowers4boo]

happy pride month boo!! 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

Happy Pride Month!

I hope it's been treating everyone well so far

[sunflowers4boo]

agy.

Did you mean gay? Yes, I am gay. Thank you for noticing.

[sunflowers4boo]

I tried makeup today. Ama sat me down and helped me learn how to do basic things like eyeliner and lipstick. It's okay. I, personally, wouldn't wear lipstick or eyeliner every day, but it does look pretty, so I'll probably wear it on fancier nights out with Tubbo.

(She also suggested that I should surprise Tubbo with it on our next night out, so.. Can't disappoint her)

[sunflowers4boo]

Happy pride! Tubbo told me it's a month dedicated to celebrating people like us (or something along those lines). I was never one to really.. put a label on my identity growing up. There kind of was no reason to. If you liked men, then you liked men. If you liked women, you liked women. Like both? Then you like them both. Like neither? Again, you don't like them.

The only label that I guess matters is the one with gender. You're a male or a female. It was taboo to switch genders or consider yourself neither male nor female. It took a long time for Tubbo to explain for hours about pride and its many labels - all of which make my head spin because why is there so many to memorize - but he explained them all and now I think I understand.

According to what Tubbo had told me, I would find myself under the label of Gender nonconforming (or as Tubbo called it GNC) because I love all things "feminine" like dresses and skirts and jewelry. I love baking and gardening and crocheting and stuff. Sure, I still love masculine activities, but yeah. I'm gay because I can't imagine myself ever with anyone besides Tubbo (and he has told me multiple times that he is confidently a man) and so, I am gay. I'm also asexual because although I feel attracted to Tubbo in almost every way besides sexually. I have never once felt sexual attraction towards him and that's okay because our relationship has never once called for that.

What me and Tubbo have may be considered abnormal in societal expectations, but we're okay with that. We hold hands and cuddle. We share forehead kisses and cheek kisses. I am Tubbo's and he is mine because I was made for him and he was made to be mine. Although we've had our problems, I have been nothing but glad to be by his side all these years.

(P.s. for those curious, I was first attracted to him aesthetically and then eventually I grew attracted to him emotionally and intellectually. When he had saved me, that was when I had finally found myself romantically attracted towards him..)

[sunflowers4boo]

I am going to be sappy about my husband again (I know I said I will lessen, but last night, something happened and I need everyone to know how amazing he is)

I woke up at around 2 am and sat on the porch for a while, just thinking about my life leading up to today. Tubbo came along after about 20 minutes to help coax me back to bed. He overheard me talking about how grateful I am to have him to the stars and he might've called me sappy, but I do not care. He has truly changed my entire world for the better.

We then headed back inside to cook a quick breakfast before we had to go to sleep and it was the most amazing meal I've ever shared with him - although it might've been the exhaustion kicking in again. He was nothing but a complete sweetheart to me and it made me realize that there's truly no one else I would rather spend the rest of my life with. If he was to ever leave my life, I don't even know what I would've done.

Anyways, soon after we headed to bed and just cuddled while talking about whatever sappy stuff came to mind. I talked to him about how much I love him and how grateful I am for him and he talked to me about how glad he is that I wasn't truly a royal asshole and that I was just finding a way to cope with how shitty my childhood was. He fell asleep soon after our conversation and I just laid awake for a bit longer as I let all the memories I've shared with Tubbo run through my mind - like counting sheep - before I fell asleep.

[sunflowers4boo]

Ama showed me a bunch of music Tubbo liked when he was a teen and it was just so adorable how embarrassed he got. He said he doesn't listen to it anymore, but I'm pretty sure I've heard a few of them when he would work on the Esachi

[sunflowers4boo]

have you gotten any new dresses skirts or jewelry?

A few.

I got a lot of jewelry from Tubbo and I's wedding and Tubbo occasionally gifts me something fancy whenever we have a fancy outing because he wants to "be a good husband".

Ama sometimes drops by and brings over dresses and skirts that she thinks I'll like. She finds them while she's out at the market and very recently, she found this really pretty dress. It's a light yellow sundress and I'm pretty sure it's all I've been wearing for the past month (of course after washing). I'm not wearing it right now, but when I do, I'll send a picture!

[sunflowers4boo]

GUYS I GRADUATED !!!!!!! I HAVE SO MUCH TIME TO POST NOW !!!!!!!

[sunflowers4boo]

did you two have a marriage ceremony?

Yes, we did! And it was such a very beautiful wedding! We invited all our friends from the Syndicate, and Tubbo invited everyone from his childhood village to witness it. We did things in his tradition and a few from mine since we both wanted to honor each other. Tubbo got so drunk during the reception that he ended up being very sappy about me. He would bawl like a baby whenever I even looked away from him for a brief second.

Oh, how I love him...

I need to ask Tubbo where he had put all the wedding stuff away so I can show off some pictures from the wedding. Believe me when I said it was beautiful.

[sunflowers4boo]

(Event horizon roleplay blog who cheered!!!)

So, how's the marriage (??) Going

The marriage is going great! Things have become a lot more.. calmer than our lives before, to say the least. It's a bit strange to consider this to be our new normal, but we're okay with it. I like the domestic life, and he's learning to find enjoyment in it as well. We already work so well together and while some may call it sappy, there's no one else I would rather spend my whole life with (whether it's here on Apidae as a domestic life style, or sitting in the co-pilot seat on the Esachi beside him).

(P.s. I know Tubbo still itches to fly again and risk his life running missions (I sometimes do too) and I'm sure eventually we'll go back to the Syndicate to bring that excitement back into our lives, but for now, we're learning to live for each other with each passing day.)

[sunflowers4boo]

It's one of those nights that I feel numb. Tubbo went to bed early tonight since it was a good day, but I can't seem to sleep. It seems all I ever post recently is about sad things, but sometimes a guy needs an outlet. Maybe I'll post more about sappy things about my husband, but tonight gets to be a sad night.

I close my eyes and remember that scared little boy who didn't understand why his sister was torturing him - calling him a murderer. I think about the little boy who clung to his father's pant leg, begging for him to just.. Look his way. I think about the little boy who was told to shut up and behave because that's the only way you can make it through this world.

Would he be proud of how far he's come? Would he be proud to know he found a cariad who embraces all his interests? Would he be proud of the fact that he managed to escape the so-called people who forced him to consider them his family? Would his eyes light up at the real family he has?

I like to think he would. He would cheer and run around and just.. feel like a little kid. He's finally allowed to be a little kid. He doesn't have to be his father's son anymore. He can be his husband's cariad. He can be his own person. He can be Ranboo Underscore and not Prince Ranboo of Annywl.

Wow. Getting this all off my chest has made me really tired. Maybe I should ramble about this to Tubbo, even if he's fast asleep. It would probably really help. Well. Goodnight, everyone!

[sunflowers4boo]

I miss my mama. I miss being so little in her arms as she lays sick. I miss her cradling me even though she was dying. I remember she smelled like vanilla and this really pretty perfume. I can't describe the smell. She always had the warmest smile even if it was weak.

I know I would've learned to hate her too - as much as I've hated the rest of my family - and I'm glad my only memories of her were the ones of when she was sick. She was probably just as worse as my father - maybe worse - but I like to believe she wasn't. I like to tell myself she was this amazing woman who was so kind. I like to tell myself she was ama.

I miss the woman I thought my mama was, and I'm so glad I have ama to be my mama instead. It's best to think of my mama as a good woman instead of the possibility that she was a hellish woman.

[sunflowers4boo]

OOC:

Guys I have been so busy with finals, hence is why posts have been so scattered 😭😭😭. If there's any questions or whatever you want to ask (either for ooc or ic), feel free. I need more things to post :D

[sunflowers4boo]

Last night, I had a nightmare that Tubbo was taken away from me again.

What happened was that I woke up to the sounds of loud shouting and Tubbo getting dragged away from me by those Sunfleet assholes. I know he no longer has anymore bounties out, but I'm so fucking terrified still. I know he is too.

I remember when I would wake up and see him panicking in a ball, feeling his wrists desperately back on the Syndicate...

His nightmares have significantly decreased since his bounties were removed, but ancients... It's both of our biggest fear still. Ever since the day Techno had sold him out, neither of us have been the same.

Well. I should probably get off now. Tubbo is due to wake up soon and I should really get breakfast ready. Bye!

[sunflowers4boo]

Some mornings, I wake up hours before the sun does and just stand outside my bedroom in the main hall, staring at photographs on the wall. I know Tubbo put them up so he could remember the good times, but I like to look at them too. I can remember all those memories with such clear detail, and it shocks me every day how my story got to how it is today.

I faced a lot in my life - faced a lot of abuse and hardships - but I made it through alive. My now cariad hated my guts completely the moment I met him, but he's grown to learn why I was the way I was and I know the guilt of him knowing I will never forget the words he's said to me will never go away. He's making it up to me with every morning I wake up with him beside me - every morning I share beside him as we cook breakfast or tend to my garden or whatever else we're doing.

He's truly shown to me how much I mean to him, and I am forever grateful for him. If I had never met him, ancients know where I would be - most likely following whichever path my father had arranged for me. I would've finished schooling and married some random ender like myself and lived an uneventful life. Without meeting him, I would've lived my life without excitement. Perhaps I wouldn't have even stuck around that long.

Ancients, I'm now crying. I best be getting off for now before Tubbo sees me getting all emotional and sappy over how grateful I am for him. Have a good day!