sunsetika - Tumblr blog

sunsetika · 9 months ago

Text

As of the moment, she lives within the daydreams in her head.

In her mind, it plays out like a sitcom, just like how she wishes it would be. She's the hopeless romantic lead who trudges life with her friends, looking for love, and we're starting from where the last season ended: the aftermath of her getting dumped by her soulmate.

It's been a weird couple of weeks. It's mostly her in bed, if not for a family event or work (which, thanks to that, has got her sleep schedule all fucked up). She'd try to reach out to friends but eventually feel tired, the demons in her head convincing her that everyone despises her for making this their problems, too. But she has been coping, somehow. Life goes on, doesn't it? Swim with the current lest you get swept away (but if she were to be honest, she would rather sink into the depths and drown in it).

At the third scene of the episode (which is actually the third week pf her post-breakup montage), she gets a little messy for the plot and breaks no contact, which she regrets and she pathetically apologizes for after. She thought she knew better, but really, she was just angry. And now, after weeks of trying to "get better," she just succumbs to her sorrows and lets herself feel all of this. She feels bad for her eyes as her crying streak carries on.

So, to cope, she creates scenes in her head. Delusional and escapist, much like her, but she's left helpless, not knowing what else to do. She's convinced herself that she doesn't want to get back together, that rationally, she should not have to reach out at all if it's been made clear that her former lover doesn't want her in her life (right now). But all her little daydreams play along the storylines of that: some sort of reunion, and then doing things right. Not this time, though. This time, her imagination takes her to a scenario that focuses on her closure.

After a cliche daydream transition, she finds herself outside her ex's office. She knows there's an office party right now, and it aches to think how she herself joined in those events themonths prior. She sees her, her officemates--people who once were a part of her own life, too--all getting ready. She watches through the window and remembers how two months ago, she stood on this very spot on the street, but not as some creepy outsider. She would walk into the office, say her his and hellos, and greet her then-girlfriend with a kiss.

That was then.

Now, in her daydream, she's just a stranger on the outside, hoping not to get caught, but too rooted in her tracks to move.

She thinks about how this office and the people in it have become part of her home, too. Though not much, she's formed pockets of memories and tiny bonds that make it harder for her to turn away and leave. It pains her that even these things are gone from her life now--she has experienced so much, being with her ex. So she silently says goodbye.

She watches her ex inside, laughing with her co-workers, probably talking about something their boss did. She can almost hear her, and she is still as beautiful as ever. Her presence fills up the room and every scarred crevice in her heart. Now she's here to say goodbye to all of that and her: her sunshine, her north star, the one who kept her heart until it was too heavy to carry. She says goodbye to all the memories, the endearing touches and sneaky kisses. She says goodbye to all the unpoken words shared as she watched her do the most mundane things ever. She says goodbye to her, because she wasn't able to say goodbye before. 'Thank you,' she thinks. 'I loved being loved by you,' she says.

And so, in a silently dramatic, main character-esque manner, she holds back the tears swelling in her eyes and slowly nods towards her former flame framed by the office window, and slowly walks away before anyone else can see. And because this is a sitcom with some heavy romance, the scene cuts to the audience seeing her ex girlfriend raise her head to look longingly out the window to the spot where she once stood, only to find no one, before going back to talking with her co-workers, a seemingly somber mood hidden by her smile.

(In another scrapped script, she runs out to catch up with our protagonist for a proper goodbye--kind words, a tight hug, and one last, sweet kiss amongst the tears, punctuated by one sad but hopeful smile before turning away from each other. But even in her dream world, she knows that's too good to be true.)

That's how it all plays out in her head, her heart too sad to fill in the blanks with funny scenes and a secondary story line featuring her friends' shenanigans. She pictures all that happening only to be hit with the reality that is it isn't true. The part in her that is still hurt thinks she can very much do all this--go to her ex's place with some sort of apology and a hope to get the closure she thinks she wants, but she knows that isn't the right thing to do. There is no being messy for the plot, there is only respect or a lack of thereof. And she feels like she has done enough.

Instead, she lays in her bed, living in her head. Maybe she writes this one down because she does think it makes for a good story a-la-How I Met Your Mother. Maybe she doesn't and cry over the fact that these daydreams are just that: daydreams, and that the reality of it all still hurts. That the person she loved the most is now out of her life for good.

And maybe she thinks one day it will all get better. She will stop playing out unrealistic fantasies, stop mourning what is now gone. She will one day stop hurting, stop crying herself to sleep. But now isn't the day for that. So, for this moment, she lets herself live in her daydreams, looking forward to the day she wouldn't have to anymore.

0 notes

sunsetika · 10 months ago

Text

picking up the pieces

the very reason i have been going back to taylor swift songs for comfort (aka a very, very long vent coping with heartache from a breakup)

it's been a whole week since the person whom i thought was my soulmate decided to end things with me.

and while i truly, truly understand and respect it, so much of the things that lead to this hurt me so deeply. it's left me feeling unwanted, unimportant, and so alone.

there's never a right way to go about a breakup. there's never one way to grieve, to pick up the pieces, to move on. and, as imperfect human beings, sometimes it's easy to backpedal. heck, i'm coping by posting in this inactive blog, but i needed to get this out because it hurt too much. everything is so frustrating. but i'm getting ahead of myself. context, to help me understand what lead to this.

we were immensely close friends, quick constants of one another. we it felt almost cosmic just how the world put us together and made us click. within a few months of our friendship, we started dating, and it has been such an amazing ride. i've dated before, had some crushes, was in a long-term relationship, even. but nothing compared to this. it felt like we just vibed so well on almost every wavelength, i was convinced she was my soulmate and my person.

we did as much as we could together. i became a better person with her. despite the problems i went through, everything felt alright because it was made up to me by the universe through her presence.

however, half a year into a relationship, i think things got more serious for me. life got busy for both of us, and i noticed that i have been neglected, for lack of better term. naturally, i understand. and i extend my patience as much as i could, because it is much harder it is on her than it is on me. i simply tried to communicate those needs as gently as i could, because it was the one promise i made sure to uphold: constant transparency and communication. and while we do try to patch things up, we kept falling short.

come june, when i had had enough of bringing up the same concerns only to be pushed aside. our communication, even the smallest sweet nothings, have been sparse, and we felt so disconnected from one another. i knew it was a breaking point for me, but i wanted to give her a say in this. it wouldn't be fair to call it off out of nowhere. i wanted to give a chance for her to reflect, and then we can talk again. and for a moment, it looked like we would. but things got busy again and ultimately, although we tried to enjoy our dates and all, my concerns and attempts at communicating has been pushed aside.

i try to extend my patience once more, as she did say she couldn't pour from an empty cup. that she had too much on her plate. i tried to minimize myself so as not to add to her obligations, but i do have a lot going on in my life as well. and with job application rejections and the constant dread that my life is feels like it can implode at any moment, the need for a constant grew, and my previous feelings of neglect have reared its ugly head again. i promise, i tried to trust her, and i do understand her, but truthfully, i have been let down so many times.

i snapped. i was going through a meltdown and ended up arguing with her, despite knowing that she, too, had a full schedule. i wanted to be the more accommodating person, but i simply couldn't. i fet wrung dry, and i wanted to be taken care of. i was met with coldness, and then follows the space that leads us to our breakup.

it was hell for me. i feel like i couldn't take it. but i did my best to give her the space she needed. even if it meant canceling the one last date we would've had, yet still promising that she won’t ditch me. however, she was flying abroad for a business trip for a week, and i felt like i'd like to at least be civil and wish her well. i asked for her trip details, i went through a total of 5 hours commute to see her off and drop off some stuff to relieve her colds. but she’d continue to ignore me.

eventually, it was pointed out by a friend how i haven’t respected her space by trying to wish her well. it had also made me angry, too. but it sobered me up, and i wrote a long letter expressing my thoughts—on how i understand if she cannot continue the relationship, however, i would really like to try one last time. to really sit down and talk about it.

i stopped contacting her fully, which is why i was surprised that a week after she arrived, she asked to meet up. it came quicker than i anticipated. and i was filled with so much dread. i kept asking what it was about, just so i can ready myself, but i didn’t get definitive answers. i was so terrified, and i hardly slept, marking day 1 of my ugly crying in the shower streak. however, stupidly, i chose to hope. to trust. to think that maybe i am just getting ahead of myself. that maybe she’d want to work things out, too.

when we met up, it was made clear that that wasn’t the case. she said she loved what we had, loved our bond, but had no capacity for a romantic relationship right now. asked to be friends. i felt so pained. i felt myself disassociating. i kept crying and stopping. i was honest: i couldn’t be friends yet. i can’t just switch back to plainly platonic like she said she could. it hurt a lot, but i didn’t contest it. i felt so weak. i asked if she could stay longer, she needed to go back home. i asked i can hold her hand as i walked her back to her bus stop, and she said no. we said goodbye with a hug and me sobbing on her shoulder. i went home and broke down in front of my family at the dining table. i was broken, lost, so hurt. they have never seen me like that.

i left a message saying i was grateful to her. that i loved being loved by her. that i loved being hers. i tried to be positive. she returned the sentiment. but then i realized that she had never specified if she had lost feelings for me—in which i start to nitpick everything and i asked. i was ignored, left on read. i told all my close friends, called some, and the pain kept building up from there.

the next day i cried again in public this time. i started to feel angry because it felt like she didn’t care. i was left with the task of archiving my private instagram dedicated to us. i deleted the playlist i made for her. i had to take down all remnants of her in my room (meanwhile she told me she would keep ours, because it’s all good memories). life went on for her—i found out she didn’t need to go home immediately that day and happily stopped over somewhere else despite saying i had no one to go to and felt so alone. i realized how quick she was to remove me from her bio, mere moments after i said goodbye. i felt like i was removed from my life so quick, i felt like we weren’t even friends anymore, even if she said she wanted to. i didn’t know what she meant by being friends, and i dug my own grave ruminating on everything.

it felt like she wanted to get rid of me so quickly. i can’t help but feel like i was a load she needed to get off her back. i then realized that one of the reason this sucks is it feels like she has made her mind up a long time ago, while i was already faced with the decision with no space to talk it out. and with that realization came another—that perhaps, in not answering how she now feels about me, she may have lost love a long time ago.

(and yes, i can back it with evidence. the very trigger of our big argument: as comfort, i asked for romantic affection and words of affirmation, since i haven’t been receiving any at all recently. she got mad and stormed off. we hardly see each other as it is, we barely are able to talk on chat, and we don’t even flirt anymore. our last kiss was july, and the last time we said i love you was before we fought.)

it was a punch to the gut. i haven’t felt this hurt ever. in hindsight, i should have seem it coming. but i foolishly hoped for the best, because that is what i do. what hurts worse is that she wants to use our friendship as some sort of default shield when in reality, we were much closer (and so much more affectionate) when we were friends than how we were as girlfriends in the last few weeks. it felt so disrespectful and it felt like somewhat of a betrayal.

the next few days were painful, grappling with anger and hurt and frustration. i ended up falling into a rabbit hole of videos of how to cope with breakups, what it means when they say they want to be friends, and how to deal with these. it did bring me enough clarity to realize a few things, but ultimately, there was not much comfort. only a weird silence and a looming darkness. i tried to go on with my days, but i knew i was depressed.

i then remembered that when she broke up with me, she said that she reread all of my letters where i would try to address our lack of communication and understanding. i came to the conclusion that maybe she thinks she’s doing this for me. that what i needed was to be let go because she cannot give me what i deserve. and for a moment, it felt like it would get better. until i was able to pin down what hurt the most in this matter: that she made her own decision about our relationship without me. that she already made the call without even talking to me again. and that made me feel sidelined.

i have done nothing but communicate and understand. i’ve always gave her space to navigate this with respect to her struggles. i’ve compromised, adjusted, and accommodated as much as i could. but in the end, even for this last bout, she couldn’t do it for me.

i feel like i have been a warm presence in her life. a safety net, a constant. someone good to have in your corner, because—impostor syndrome aside—i know i’m a good friend, a good girlfriend. i do everything for people i love with as much love i could give (she helped me realize that before we got together, and when i need convincing that i’m not a bad person, i remind myself of that). i am imperfect, but i always did my best to be her sunshine, her peace, even at the expense of my own to an extent.

i’m a good person to have, but not to hold. that maybe all the upkeep of having me—a not-permanently employed, adhd-riddled, late-twenties girl with strong rsd that she needs visual cues of affirmation to fight the demons in her head—was not worth any time and energy to spare, even as a friend. that i wasn’t relevant enough to make space for, and that my needs, as minimized as they are, are still too much to handle.

and that is all valid. if i were her friend, i’d tell her to prioritize herself. to save some of her remaining energy from the hustle and bustle of work for rest and recovery. i understand this. but she was the one who asked me to be in a relationship. it was my understanding that we would do our best to keep this together. in the end, we couldn’t, and i would’ve understood all this if she had tried to communicate to me better. to actually make the considerations and talk to me.

she said i deserved better. and maybe that is true.

but it’s so hard to feel like that is a genuine reason when i have constantly only been sidelined. it feels so empty when i realized she decided to go no contact at all despite her being the one wanting to remain friends. when we broke up, she told me she wanted to see pictures of her last gift. i sent them and i realized my chat was archived. i texted her verifying if she needed space from me, too, and got no response. she is no longer seeing my stories or interacting with posts, meaning she muted me.

i didn’t even know she wanted to go no contact. it hurt so much, and i knew our friendship was over for now. i had genuinely thought that, with how highly she regarded our friendship, she would still keep the connection as she expressed. but alas, actions speak louder than words. and another deeper cut hurt me—i had also lost my best friend.

it felt even worse. that she was so ready to lose our friendship. that i’m just one person passing through her life when to me, she was the one i thought i’d spend the rest of my life with. i felt so insignificant and hurt that i’m just a life lesson, just another experience to her.

all the pain of that has lead me to this: acceptance. maybe. i don’t know. i have been able to deduce all the answers i’ve been looking for and i am left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. i have no interest in trying to get her back—i respect her wishes. the last thing i want to do is to coerce her (especially since i always chose to do right by her and even in conflict, raise my concerns gently and kindly, as she says). i feel so betrayed that i don’t even know if i want her back.

my trust for her has been ruined, and as much as i want to see this in a better light, to accept things positively, i can’t. and it’s because she taught me that i deserve to take space, that my feelings are valid and my emotions matter that i know i cannot accept less than my energy matched. and she clearly cannot match that.

still, the pain lingers. i miss her dearly. i miss seeing her texts, her stories. i miss sending her silly memes and pictures of cats. i miss telling her i loved her and that i’ll always be there for her. she has made me so much better and i… i don’t know how to continue experiencing life without her. there is so much i want to share, even as a friend. but i think we’re meant to be apart for now, even if it hurts.

it’s only been a week since we broke up, but it’s been a month of uncertainty and loss. i have had so many fun times with other people i love and yet i’m so frustrated at how the pain constantly eclipses all of that. i feel like have been nothing but a sad blob. i have lost so much of myself this week, and i dread the weeks to come because i don’t know just when things would be okay.

i keep wondering: what if i had just kept my mouth shut. what if i stopped yapping and just accepted whatever breadcrumbs i can get, even if they were hardly bare minimum (after all, i want her in my life, right?)? but deep down i know it’s not what i deserve. and she said it, too.

ultimately, i know she didn’t make the wrong decision. i do want her to be in a better mental state, and if this is what it means to achieve that, i accept it. she is a good person with so much to give, and she deserves her peace, especially with all she has gone through. we both have our faults and shortcomings, but if this needed to happen, it needed to happen. and, to respect her peace and help me heal, i’ve decided to go no contact as well. it hurts, but it’s the only thing i can take control of right now.

i’ll just keep trying to cope with the loss. i wish i would heal faster, but we know that is impossible. i did learn, though, that the amount of pain and hurt we feel is a direct reflection of the love we shared. this simply means i loved her with all my heart, and that is all i could have done.

if you have made it through the whole story, i appreciate you so much. i couldn’t find a safe space to vent without our mutual friends being caught in it. i don’t want to put her on blast, i just needed to get this off my chest, and i feel guilty enough for crying to my friends about nothing but this the past week. i don’t want them to get tired of me because i am tired myself. if you do know her, please don’t let this distort how you see her. she is a genuinely good person and i am merely trying to cope with the hurt of losing her.

but hey, small win: i didn’t check her profile or stories today. here’s hoping that it holds up.

0 notes