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friendship so strong im revisiting my ancient hobby of writing fics again. i have two wips and i need to finish themmmmm
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i am so cold and tired and hungry and angry and jittery and unfocused. and all i really want to do is yell at someone right now but i have homework and finals to study for and im stressed and nauseous
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bestie and i now equally venting about our girl troubles bc i finally came out to him. we're so similar abt this its hilarious. even more hilarious that he had a smidge of a crush on me when we were younger.
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"us against the world, like its been since we met" is such a crazy raw line youd think its from some peak form of cinema,, but its not. its from a text message from my best friend of 10 years and there's something so crazy insane about it.
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i finally came out fully to my best friend since 5th grade and told him abt the homoerotic almost situationship friend i had a crush on in high school. AND HE WAS LIKE “ok so much makes sense now. and lowkey i could see yall together” SHHHH had me rehashing all the things that made me used to feel giddy about her and i wanna be fully over it so bad but i know deep down im not. i just wanna be a hopeless romantic a fool in love for someone that would just give me the time of day istg
he made some super valid points also so shoutout to him. made a couple new realizations and everything too. like the other girl i thought i was catching feelings for i was most likely just trying to make myself do that idk
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dude i have the worst luck ever ://
girlie ive mentioned before (more recently) and i have been like chill and really great on and off kinda like we match each others energy and i lowkey thought i was catching feelings a little bit ago and like,, idk i was holding onto that bc it felt nice to care abt someone like that. and we’d send cute “us” and stuff posts back and forth.
and i did that today and she hit me with a “no” and i was confused ofc bc typically thats not what happens and shes like “i see u platonically not romantically /srs” LIKEEE GIRL I DIDNT EVEN SAY ANYTHING I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS A SILLY VID WHATT
i told her that too and she came back with “sus” like sorry but i dont rly feel that way at all and i thought we were chill play flirting (shes the one that initiates it 90% of the time) and stuff but ig not ?? like at once i thought i had feelings but i think i just got attached too quick idk man. i havent felt that way in a bit tho
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love being a fan of stuff in general. like wdym not minutes ago i was absolutely painfully sobbing over something ive been going through. and now im yapping to other fans about things i am also a fan of. and liek. giggling. i am still in immense emotional and mental pain rn but fuck it we ball. im also hungry ;-;
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no bc how is my mother just going to sit and nit-pick over everything i do, lecture style for 30+ mins and then have the absolute audacity to compare me to my step-father while almost implying that im actual just as bad or even worse than him. and then expect me to not get mad. or like go back to normal after a little bit. like no i dont want to talk to you.
obviously of you see me like that it means i have some serious self reflection to do whether i like it or not. like also i just dont really want to be around you after all that and how am i expected to just act normal afterwards.
im not excusing myself, i know im in the wrong as well. i just dont know how someone can switch up so quickly and how it feels like im supposed to do the same.
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i am about to crash out
let me reevaluate life after i have therapy next week (havent had it in like a month bc my schedule keeps changing)
((totally didnt almost post this on my public blog with tags))
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probably one of my biggest toxic traits is like,, putting my phone on do not disturb then getting pissy when people dont disturb me.
like especially when ive been vocal abt having a rough time and i turn on do not disturb i expect ppl to come check up or smth ig but nobody gaf ik.
idk cause for me i think if one of my friends did that i’d at least try and check up on them as long as i notice.
or maybe yea im just chronically online so by the time i cool down and set everything back to normal, nobodys noticed i havent been.
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cant fucking sleep but not in the mood to do anything. i mean its 2am. body is tired, brain is not.
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ok ima be fr i don’t think she likes me anymore.
even worse i think shes annoyed with me or tired of me and i don’t even think i did anything? i am annoying sometimes (a lot of the times probably) but idk i thought we matched each others energy more but we barely talk now.
sad.
(the second she gives me attention again ik its gonna make me super excited etc and i’ll be head over heels again which is extremely toxic ik. someone help.)
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she left me on seen after i sent her more guitar videos. (she called the first one the “cutest video” shes ever seen) sobbing tbh.
covers of my fav fob songs too 😭 and and and i even quickly tried to learn a tøp song bc we both love them
whyyyyyy
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time to solve headache with caffeine bc i have classes today 💪🏼 barely got sleep and have the rage of a thousand wasps inside my head here we goooo
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met someone super nice and sweet recently tho if only she wasnt states away ajdjkdjdn. also havent figured out if its a crush crush or just “shes nice, we share A LOT of the same interests”
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