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[super-alittlefunnysunflower-blog]

Rambles.

Is it crazy how sometimes even the littlest of things, can have an affect on someone? For instance, person A, tries and tries to constantly have connection, or at the very least one successful date. While as person B, who comes in contact with them, is just a normal every day kind of person. They’re not entirely looking for someone, but they’re not entirely not closed off to the idea of meeting the one. So these two people interact by chance, an exchange of numbers, and Person A ends up asking B out on a date. Which B agrees to, until it gets closer to scheduled date, and then person B has a change of heart, with absolutely nothing to deal with Person A. Person B has just decided that a date on that specific night or time wasn’t what they were feeling, or they decided they just didn’t want to date. Whatever their reasoning, it had nothing to really do with Person A. Despite that, person A takes this and adds it to all the other attempted and failed tries at finding love, and even something so small and insignificant as cancelling a date with a person that you just met, Person A carries it with them. And this turns them away, and in a sense for a time being, they give up on finding their one. Unbeknownst to Person B, who continues on their path without a look back. 

Its literally everything we do that affects someone, whether we realize it or not. We preach and praise about it’s all about mindset and how we make our own choices, but it you look at it. It’s all of theses interactions that's made us into who we are today. Conditioned us in a sense, to do whatever it is we decide to do next. 

So it makes me wonder. This person that I am now. Am I being fair? Am I being fair to everyone who crosses paths with me? Or will I negatively affect them? But haven't I already? With so many people? Is it karma that we all end up dealing with? Because the feeling of a romantic love, seems so plastic to me, that I can mold and shape and be whoever one person want me to be, just by observing their mannerisms, and then just instantly, to watch their reaction, leave them. Is it fair to tarnish someone in this way, just because I feel like I can? 

People can be so fascinating and boring all at the same time.

[super-alittlefunnysunflower-blog]

The letter lost at 2:16

Freedom. To truly be in charge of the decisions you make. To not have to run anything by anyone. If you wanted to have that can of coke at 2AM you could. If you randomly decide to drive to McDonalds at 4AM you could. Or walk the beach all night until morning, then climb into your bed without any worries. When you fought so long and hard for someone, just to feel at the end, that they were the one keeping you locked away. So when you finally get out, youre mad with the taste of freedom.

Does that explain all the empty faces? The hollow conversations? Is that what I was searching for when I found you? And I thought to myself. This is it. This is everything on my list, and if I can make this work, I know I can make this work, then I’ll have everything. My freedom, I make enough to bring to the table, I’m doing everything on my own. And you, you will be by my side. We both understand each other. We both know what it’s like in our situations.

Maybe it was where I was at in my life currently, how badly I was ready to be done, to have the last puzzle piece to have the “perfect life” and check everything off on this made up list I had in my head. This list that once completed, I considered my life a success.

And every bright red flagged I ignored, and I grasped at every excuse I could provide for you in my mind. 

Everyone can tell. When someone is interested in them, when it’s exciting and new. It’s the Good Morning messages, and the Good Night texts, it’s the shit talking during games, and the inside jokes and pet names. And you smile when their name pops up on your screen, because it’s new, theyre exciting, and it’s fun. It’s fun getting to know someone where you feel the longing is mutual. And right when that starts to shift, everyone feels it, the dread. The disappointment. The wonder, of what went wrong. Then you shrug it off, and move on. But you’re different. I think narcissist is how the world describes people like you. And I thought, to spend so much on a ticket for me to go to a party to meet all of your coworkers, maybe I’m over thinking things. And from my memory, it was a good night. And you offered and treated me to breakfast the next morning. Then that was it. Gone. And I was upset, but, dont be weak. 

Is this something that is taught? Or something that is learned? To not appear vulnerable? We see it all the time, “If  they wanted to message you they would”. The week before Christmas there you were, out of nowhere. It had been two weeks since that party. Two weeks since I last saw your name pop up on phone. And there it was, a long drawn out apology and explanation. “I’m so sorry, I went out of town, and left my phone. I tried to look you up, I couldn’t  find you”. And just as fast as your apology came, before I could get an opportunity to even think about forgiving you or not, just as fast as it popped up on my phone you asked, “Do you want to be my mine? I move fast but, when I know I know”. And when I tried to take the time, you countered me with a now or never. This was it I thought. This was the person that would finish my puzzle. Just go for it, this was what you wanted, right? And it was perfect after that. 

She tried to warn me. Out of nowhere, like a siege, it all came in. And it was so overwhelming, and work was so busy. I directed you to her, so you two could solve whatever unfinished issues you had. And I looked past it.

Do you remember the second date? The slashed tire? The stolen shoes? And I remember telling my friends, and he’s still here. He didn’t get scared off. This is for real, it’s us against my enemy, my keeper. 

It was routine, systematic. Every weekend we’d alternate. Me to you, you to me. And I was so proud. Finally, something simple, something healthy, something normal. It made every Friday exciting and every Sunday sad. 

So strange, you’re quiet at 7PM. No no no. It’s me. I’m over analyzing. Normal people do not need to talk all the time. This is normal. You do not need to say good night every time. Then the sun comes up, and the anxiety is gone, because 8AM is here, and there is the Good Morning glowing on my screen. The eleven letters that assure me for some reason, that I am just crazy, and this is good. 

12 hours I drove. I worked a full day. I was tired. All I could think about was coming home to you. I knew I had a long day, and I planned accordingly, I was going to drive straight to your house as soon as I got back in town. My stuff was already packed. But you forgot something at my house and wanted me to bring it to you before I came. Before I drove the next two hours to see you. So I did. This is normal, this was the missing puzzle, you’re just being lazy. Do this. 

Its the sitting on your bed watching you play your games. Talking to your friends. It’s staying up late and playing with your son downstairs while you played games upstairs. This is normal, this is what normal people do. What do you like? I packed a box of all your favorite things. A surprise. And on the day that all lovers remind everyone that theyre in love, I bought you the one thing you loved most. In return you gave me your old love. And now our weekends consisted of staying in bed at my house too. Playing games while I watched. This is happiness. This is normal. 

You never had a blanket. You had three small ones. And we wouldn’t curl up together. Because you’d get hot, and the room was hot, because you didn’t like the fan on. This is normal, this is what you wanted. But then there it was. A black comforter we could share under the same covers. Thank you to your friend who bought it for you. Youre over thinking things. That is normal. This is normal. 

I sat through it all, because I wanted it to work badly. After searching and weeding out through so many empty people, I was determined for this to be the missing piece. Your interests became my interests, because I wanted this to be it. I wanted to show the world I found my freedom, and I chose who was the person for me. That I changed my ways, and for the right person, I became a good person. But every Sunday that came by, I knew it didn’t feel right. I knew the comforter was wrong. The days where I’d be on your bed, as if I didn’t exist, while I stared at your screen, played on my phone to pass the time. The time where my throat was so dry because I hadn’t spoken a word in hours. I drive two hours for this. It was the bliss that lasts 7 seconds, every time. This is normal. This is what you wanted. With your freedom, this is what you picked.

And even once I broke free. When I found my strength to finally decide,this was not my missing piece, to choose that I deserved more, that it was okay to want more. My strength was gone. In that second I turned from you, Instead of 180 degrees, I kept going, and I was making my way back to you, a full circle, the entire 360. Begging for forgiveness. And in the end after three days of silence, it was me. I apologized. Shame for wanting more. For not being happy with what I had.

It was such an awful week. I messed up so bad. Just get to Friday. You can do it. Get to Friday, and it will be okay. You’re moving forward. You’re meeting the family. And for once. I was going to be vulnerable and instead of closing up, I was going to call, not text, but call you about my day. Even though it was after 7PM, and after 7PM youre always gone. But you answer, you assured me that night it would be okay. It was a Wednesday night, and you told me, everything would be okay. It’s Thursday, just have to make it through today. I wont go to jail. It will be okay. You messed up. But it will be okay. And as I drove to work that morning, it was feeling okay. It would be okay. 8AM comes and my phone pings. But it’s not the good morning glow that brightens my screen, its a drawn out paragraph. So sweet. Words of encouragement. I sit at the red light and read, but no. You did some thinking, and you cannot get attached to me you say, but it’s not me, its you. Or maybe its the distance. And my heart sinks. And I pull over and I cry. What else can go wrong? But not anymore. You’re not weak. Do not call. Do not respond anymore than he deserves. “ :(  “ 

And it was done. I meet you two weeks later, take back whatever things i left at yours. We hug, you say “it’s good to see you”, and I drive off, because I’m meeting someone else, and not for a second will I let you know how hurt I was. But you’re on my mind. Maybe it’s all these moments that make me who I am. Its why I think the way I think. Never let them know how much they meant to you, how they affected you. And you will always want what isn’t yours. You will always be that thought in the back of my head, and I will always wonder, why?

Enough. I took a break. Screw the missing piece. I’m the missing piece. Self love right? And even though a blank page fell in my lap and even though I was so happy and content. You were in the back of my head. Wondering why, even if I wasn’t thinking it, the thought still ate and breathed and slept. 

And again, out of nowhere there you were. It had been two months? Yes. See how happy I am, see how amazing my life is now. So I was game, and I accepted. But we didnt talk. I knew the thought was still there, because I purposely had to be blind to you. I couldn’t and didn’t want to see things, because I knew it’d upset me. And there I was. 1AM foolishly going through your timeline. And there it is. It’s a Thursday, the worst day of my career, the day you assure me, “everything would be okay”. There it was, “In a Relationship”. And my heart sank. Despite how happy I thought I was, you still affected me. It hurt. It hurt to realize how foolish I had been the entire time. But it was also that same night, I realize how precious this new found love meant to me, and with that, the thought that always lingered in the back of my mind was finally gone.

When my paper crumbled. months later, there you were again. Out of the blue. And it was comforting. I could feel the thought creep back in, and become a living breathing idea in my head. At a time I was feeling the most unwanted, the one person from my past who made me feel second best continuously, was comforting me. And it all shattered within a week. It was done. I lost it all. You threw the ball, and I was game. Because it made me feel better. It made me feel wanted. You can be someone people want. Especially when you’re feeling like the most unwanted thing in the world. Yes it was my words, my choices that helped seal the deal, and put the nails in the coffin. In the end for what? To satisfy questions I never got the answer to? 

Its been months, and nothing changes. Like clock work. You’re here for just a moment, to remind me, that you’re a thing I will never have. And we’ll joke. And you’re such an asshole. You’ll say the meanest things. So this is who you really were? You would date people and when things would go south or when you needed some morale boost there you were again. A ping on my phone. And I’d always be game. Advise you on what to do. And I thought I came to understand you. 

This kid, who wasted his younger years married, and started a family. For it to all go away. This was his freedom now. What moments  did you have that made you who are? Why do you treat others the way you do? Why is it so hard to be vulnerable? And I listen to you when you speak. You put them down, you revel at making them cry. You look for the fights. Because if they show the first signs of not wanting you, you turn on them, and engage in argument. Hurt them before theyre able to hurt you, is what you’d tell me. So I toy with you. I let you feel like you’ve hit that point in the cycle with me, where you think I’m on the verge of crying, and then I go 180, and randomly say something nice, to make you feel like I want you, just to see your reaction. Which, every time, you instantly withdraw, you’re confused, but your white flag goes up. And its so predictable each time. Do you even  notice what it is that I do? Im fucking with you. Just studying your reactions. Wondering what makes you, you. What happened to you, that this is how you interact with everyone. And again every time I’m done playing this game, when I’ve closed the book, there you are again. You somehow find a way to be that ping on my phone. And theres a part of you that is always able to pull on a piece of my heart. Theres always this longing where I miss the routine of the weekends. That forgets how miserable I was sitting on that bed. That forgets the hurt on the Thursday. And maybe thats why I still play. Not because I feel you will change, but have accepted this is just who you are, for whatever reasons you have. And although I will never want you to be mine, I will always have this place for you, because despite understanding the what you are, I will never know the why. And with every random ping that comes in, it’ll be the food that feeds that thought that still lingers.

[super-alittlefunnysunflower-blog]

Avocado Toast

Write about this, write about me. There’s so much everyday, throughout our lives we gather so many experiences. Its these that make us feel as if we are something. We are someone, we have lived through this, we have survived another moment. I am important. These thoughts are important. And they swim around in your mind, so maybe you’re not obsessing over the same thing every second, but you’re still obsessing. Of that moment two years ago, just for the next five minutes. Then it will be that time last week, you let it float around in your head for another five minutes. Its all these moments, that make you feel like you’re someone. Even if at times you feel like a no one. Its these moments that when you really think about it, you’re still a someone.

Talent. Everyone has this talent, and you think, a skateboard. I want to get a skateboard. And I’ll practice every day. I’ll give an hour. I’ll give it my everything even if just for a hour. A guitar. I’ll buy a guitar, I’ll buy lessons. I’ll watch videos. Youtube, you can learn anything. Youtube. I’ll make a vlog. I’ll buy makeup. I’ll review makeup. I’ll share my opinion. In these moments, you’ll let all this potential bubble to the surface. So much life. So much possibility to be great, and do great things. But you’re no one. You will never buy that skateboard, you’re afraid of the pain of falling. You’ll never buy that guitar, you’ve never been fully committed to anything for longer than three months, at most. Your personality does not shine bright enough to capture the minds of others, your hands will never be artistic enough to paint a face. But you’ll try. And it’s these moments of realization that will drown you. Even still, like a buoy it floats. A small voice, in your ocean like mind that tells you, look at this vast memory. All these moments. You survived. You're here another day.  But for what? All these people, everyone with a talent, everyone with a purpose. And you look at everyone. And just watch them.

There are two kinds of people. The happy and the sad. The happy people are divided into various categories. Some like you, some cannot understand you, why cant you be like them? Some pity you. At the end of the day, they’re still content with who they are.  There are many categories for the sad. Just like the happy, some like you, some cannot understand you. And just like the happy people, there are some who accept that they are nothing more than just, sad. 

What even are these feelings? In a blink of an eye I can decide right now, do I want to be happy? Or do I want to be sad? When I look back at this moment, do I want to reflect about how I am the noncommittal-terrified-skateboarding-makeup-rookie? Or do I want to envision my family? Then your mind flickers to the next thought. My family? Is that what makes me happy? Is this the thing that makes me a “happy” someone? The content and appreciation that I am surrounded by people who are genuinely just enjoying their days. 

Your mind is so strange. You watch all these people around, and I cannot help but wonder. Are they thinking like me? Are they thinking about that time 5 months ago? Are they over analyzing their choice of a cup of coffee or actual food for breakfast? Because great people have avocado on their toast every morning. There’s a voice that tells you, you will be great. And just as fast as you think about this greatness, you go back to observing. Why am I going to be great? I am no one. I’m this collection of moments and experiences.