supercarbonlife-blog

[supercarbonlife-blog]

10/18/20 (2)

Vera and myself went for a walk. I listened to my lecture in American History II and Prof. Jones mentioned Nanjing. WWII was the subject. It’s hard to imagine this world sometimes. I finally finished almost all of my school work from last week and submitted it all. I am thankful that I am smart, truly. And I know this now. I need to respond to Lauren. The last thing she said to me the other day was that creepy Youth Pastor did what he did to me because we had a “connection” and because he is heterosexual. Not that he simply took advantage of a female child, groomed her (me). Cause that’s what he did… There wasn’t a “special connection”. I was made to feel like there was, but no, I was just the target. Positioned just right that he could easily hit it. No involved guardians, a family that doesn’t question especially if it’s church…yeah. He saw me vulnerable and went in for it. I plan to write about this someday. (Write more about it.) He boils my blood.. But I gather this is because I really cared, and imagined he did, too. There is much to this story. It is exhausting to me and I cannot wait for the day that I never think of it again. I won’t even bring his name up here. It’s too disgusting of a feeling for my brain to see it and it won’t add value to this page. Boy, my brain is also tired. I told myself every single day I will write at least a page and I admit today it is hard. I did a lot of schoolwork today and it has tired me out. I still have Biology to finish up by tomorrow night, but I will surely do it. I plan to re-do some of the lessons so that I can score a better grade, being we’re allowed as many attempts as we wish (this only adds to your knowledge so why not). Right now we are learning about cell division and genetics. I fucking love this stuff. I plan to get deeper into it and see where is takes me. Recently I spoke with my advisor about changing my plan over to Associate’s in Science: Biology! So that’s the direction I am headed in. I am thankful.

[supercarbonlife-blog]

10/18/20

I hear about their rape.

It doesn’t escape my ears, my mind.

I want solace for them. I wish it so hard. I would be a martyr for their peace. And the saddest realization is all I have is my life. It’s a bit much for me to think that would cover it- but it’s the greatest equation of value for me. My one could never make up for their billions over time, but if there was a god I would plead with it to take away their suffering in exchange for all I am, all I have. Women and children.

Women and children.

The Rape of Nanjing. It is now impressed in my aura. I can’t feel the same anymore as this knowledge has robbed me my ignorant bliss. I wish I could comfort and wrap their experiences of pain- so they could be made well. How could such a beautiful planet create such a terrible time? Such a vibration in the air, now only ink on paper and wrinkles on brains. I can’t breathe. I can’t even cry. My pain is too deep and too real for those things. They don’t seem enough. Nothing does.

What happened to them? Where are their atoms now? Where did their soul go? With fury in my bones I know the American Protestant would say hell. These women and children didn’t surrender their heart and soul to Jesus in their last days when they were spilt open and fucked over and over until they died. This makes them a primary candidate for eternal fire, torture, and separation from the MAN that created this ruling. It’s a good thing hell isn’t real- nor heaven to cradle the Christian superiority.

[supercarbonlife-blog]

(via https://open.spotify.com/playlist/37i9dQZF1DX6J5NfMJS675?si=OBFwdjRPS6eGCxVo6Cw_2A)

This shit is makin me dance the night away. Living for it, dude. I feel like I’m in another realm. Music is amazing.

It’s great music for studying too.

[supercarbonlife-blog]

I am at work. This is my first journal entry because I feel like I need to express myself. Since I can remember, I’ve loved to journal. I think it’s interesting how putting things into words can bring a certain life to them. I read in books that others have written of experiences I thought initially were only in my head. Reading them helps me to not feel so alone. Why must we write or even publish our writings? I think what I am doing here is interesting because I plan to be fairly open about things…and leave it out in the open. Leave it accessible, for the most part. Anybody could know the link, see my picture on the profile, and know it’s me. Do I want to be known? Yes. Do I want to be seen? Yes, I do. Admitting that to myself is nice. I used to be ashamed of that, I think. In a variety of ways, I haven’t left that. Recently, I have been asking myself why I feel the need to be known in a particular way. I think I am lonely for one. 2020 has been tough, as we all say. It has been though. Rewarding-yes, but tough still? Absolutely. I am still alone here in my new city… I decided to go back to school to sort of change this (and of course for other reasons) and that has not been what I expected. All of our work and interacting is online. It’s as if I just moved here again. Today I am lonely cause people are busy, and I have schoolwork to do. I am trying to remind myself of what my therapist likes to remind me of and this is that I am not the first person on other people’s minds. It’s funny when he says that cause just plainly it sounds like he may be being kinda harsh but I assure you he isn’t. It’s actually a remarkable thing to tell somebody like me because I overthink, I think, quite a bit. This is disastrous if circumstances align with a false belief I may have. (And boy I can conjure up one in a hot minute.) Many times, my false belief goes something like one of these: “They are mad at me.” “I hurt their feelings.” “They are bored of me.” “They don’t really like me anymore.” “They are opposed to my values and secretly hate me for them.” “They think I am wayyyy too much.” …literally there are so many more, but those are a few off the head. One day I will see. I know this. I have so much hope for my life and for the world. I soooo freaking terribly want to create something. I want to put something out. I don’t know what, yet. It will happen though. I’ve decided to hone in. I’m focusing on things and watching them grow. This journaling is a part of that. It will be daily, one page…I will make it secret or public but I will do it every day and it will be there for my eyes/my memory. I am laying myself down on the planet. I have too “unique” of experiences to not share them with people who may feel alone themselves, thinking these are “unique” for them too. And, I need rhythm. I need some structure, along with record. I wrote down a few things that I am going to start to do daily, and this is one of them. The weather has started to change. It’s getting dark around 7pm now. I feel happiness in the change. Today is the first day it’s been this cold outside since last winter. I am feeling 2020 approach its end. I am thankful for it, with its hardships. I have grown- very much. School is investing in me. I like that. I am playing guitar more, growing my nails out, growing my hair out, I may get bangs. Soon I will pierce my tongue and then my septum. I have had sex with a girl this year and that changed my life, boosting my self-awareness and confidence. I am learning shuffle dance (and doing a damn good job at it so far). I am reading the great Andrea Dworkin and her words are giving my soul life and purpose. I love humans. I have saved more money than I’ve ever had in my life. I have devoted myself to boosting the health of my body- I am going to finally tone up and be truly serious about it. Yeah…there’s a lot right now in my brain but I am happy. Kaitlin just texted me and told me she gave Sierra Ferrell her copy of “Heartbreak” by Andrea Dworkin and I am positively over the moon. Sierra told Kaitlin that she would email her about the book too!! I worship Sierra Ferrell as well as now Andrea and knowing their worlds will collide is something out of this world. Man oh man!!!