supergoofyanxiousbookworm

[supergoofyanxiousbookworm]

I’m alone again and I hate it

So, all my life I’ve gotten the impression that I’m the least important and most left out person in the group; even within my own family at times. People have just always seemed to get a negative perception about me, whether I projected negativity or positivity. I was once told ‘to have a friend, you be a friend” and so worked to go with the flow and have often put more into relationships than I got, but it still happened. I got used to this over time and have had periods of loneliness and depression in my life whenever the cycle began again. 

Then in my senior year of high school I made a new friend who’s more extroverted and outgoing than me and always has tons of friends. She made an effort to include and encourage me and made me feel better about myself. We have been friends for almost 5 years now. Of course, in college we had other friend groups and were busier, which is normal, but I noticed she would bail on me more often and flake on important things we used to do together. I knew this was also normal for college years, so didn’t worry too much because whenever we had more time to meet and catch up, she was inclusive and encouraging again. I realized life just pulls you in different directions sometimes, it will be okay. 

Around when Covid started, she met this new guy and they started dating. He’s part of a group that she met, quickly became friends with, and now considers family. I noticed she began to neglect and ditch me again in favor of them, because they were more fun, or they helped her climb social ladders. She would include me from time to time, but as it became clear that I didn’t always fit in as well as she did or agree with things they would say or do, my invites to hang out with her and the group became less and less, and my invites to all of them became less desirable. Still, I supported her and defended her actions, which in retrospect have not been those of a good friend for a while now. It all really blew up before this last Thanksgiving, when her family had a sort of crisis and her bf and I got into an argument because we disagreed on how the family should handle the situation. It got very heated; he was twisting my words and taunting me, so I left in frustration. Almost immediately after I left, he called her and told her I wanted her family to fall apart and other horrible things. Then, she called me and basically told me that the situation was not my problem because I’m not as close to her family or her as he is and while she was almost flattered that we were both so concerned, she didn’t appreciate my perspective and I shouldn’t be involved. I was and am still deeply hurt and angered by the lies he spread about me (he told her family and their friend group), and more so by the fact she believed and essentially chose him over me, and I knew she would. 

It’s been a couple months; she and I still haven’t hung out or really talked since then. I tried to meet up with just her and to talk, as I’m too angry with the bf, but she straight up lied to me about not being able to make it due to work and hung out with him instead and posted about it on social media (that she knows I follow her on btw). She’s pretty much cut me out of her life and picked the guy who lied about me and won’t admit it. 

I’ve been so bitter and sad about this. I honestly can’t explain how hurt I am. This is my longest lasting friendship I’ve ever had in my life, and it’s over. I’ve tried to forgive and forget in hopes of keeping my friend, but I can’t forgive her right now, and I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive the bf. This experience has helped me know I need and deserve better in my friendships. 

So, I’m alone again, without any truly close friends. And I’m terrified at this point that I’ll never find good, long-lasting friends, or any relationships outside my family for that matter. I want so badly to have friends or a bf/husband that I can pour my heart out to and trust enough to know me on a deeper level, but I don’t have the energy to try right now. I’m terrified of being alone and not being loved by a core group of people, but I’d rather feel alone and worried I’ll never find that group while looking for them, than be in a fake group I can’t trust and works against me.  

I know I’ll be okay, and that things can turn around and I’ll probably find real good friends soon, but I just needed to write this out and vent for a bit. No one follows me on here, I’ve barely used this account since opening it, and no one involved in the situation even knows I have a Tumblr. But it’s a good place to get my thoughts and struggles out while having a good cry before the work on healing begins and I keep hoping and praying for things to get better. 

[supergoofyanxiousbookworm]

I’ve reached the point of being so emotionally numb, sick of the crap of life, and being stressed with the fast approaching reality of the world and all the crap that comes with it, that at this point the only coherent thing in my brain that can accurately describe my thoughts is I Am the Walrus playing on repeat.

[supergoofyanxiousbookworm]

Is it just me??

Have you ever been sitting typing up a paper minding your own business when a chill hits you and you shiver so hard it feels like your soul tries to jump out of your body and gets sucked back in a second later??

[supergoofyanxiousbookworm]

Today I was working at my church’s VBS (Vacation Bible School) filling drinks for kids. A group leader came trying to give me extra sauces and as I tried to explain they don’t go here like

[supergoofyanxiousbookworm]

Wanting to do too much

I keep hearing about how the Earth is dying. I think it always has been, just very slowly. Slow enough that we can probably fix it and make things better. The problem is not everyone wants to, and/or has the resources to actually do anything about it. I imagine if we had a place like in the movie Tomorrowland where all the world’s great minds and inventors got together, we could do more. It makes me sad that not everyone does or can help. I really try to be optimistic, but find it’s getting harder to.

[supergoofyanxiousbookworm]

Oh my gosh I was on the bus earlier and I noticed something that gave me hope. It’s finals time, and the girl next to me was frantically flipping through notes, which I can relate to. Then this guy across and to the left of me, I shit you not, was holding a birthday gift bag while chewing and sucking on the plastic hook thing and the rope handles.

Anyway it was just kinda nice to know I’m not the only person loosing my mind I guess.

[supergoofyanxiousbookworm]

Why am I like this?!

I realized something about myself this week: I have a lot of opinions , but I don’t voice them in front of most people because they’re not popular. Most of these opinions are political. So, of course, I choose to major and pursue a career in POLITICAL SCIENCE because I’m a living oxymoron!!

[supergoofyanxiousbookworm]

I don’t want to be a Superhero!

My family is having dinner at a chicken place, and one of the employees (who my sisters know from church) noticed my youngest sister wearing her gi for karate. The rest of the time we were there, he would stop by our table between his tasks and ask her things like

What’s your superhero name?

What’s your power?

Are you gonna help the Avengers in endgame?

My little sister was a little embarrassed, cause we all started teasing her. She tried putting on a jacket to hide her gi, putting up the hood, and even hiding under the table. She kept saying “I don’t want to be a superhero! I’m not a superhero, I’m just a innocent citizen!”

She still tried to hide from him under her hood as we left and he called “Bye invisible girl!” Best thing that happened today!

[supergoofyanxiousbookworm]

My little sister asked me earlier what the opposite of glass was, and without even thinking for some reason I said wood. Now I can’t stop thinking about that. Like, brick is the opposite of metal, cars are the opposite of bikes, books are the opposites of TVs, etc. Why do kids say things that make me question so much?

[supergoofyanxiousbookworm]

I rode the Rip Rocket roller coaster at Universal today and you get to pick a song that plays in speakers by your ears. I was really nervous and the first song that came up was Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive”, and it was so perfect I picked it. Not only did it get upbeat right when we did the big drop (eek) but it also helped me feel better through the ride!

[supergoofyanxiousbookworm]

Bouncing Bridges

So I’m riding in the car with my family, and we get to a light over a bridge, and the car is bouncing. No one said anything until my aunt just looks over at me with this little smile and says “that’s the bridge moving.” I didn’t know bridges are supposed to be able to bounce and tbh that kinda scares me. 😐