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supersecret10000 · 3 years ago

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it's been over 3 years since i came to these realizations, posted these. i know i hurt her very badly. i still have no idea if she knows that she sexually coerced me repeatedly, including the first time she ever did anything sexual with me. how many times i would say no, and she took that as "convince me" or "wear me down until i give in." it is may 2022. i still have panic attacks when i masturbate, alone in the safety and comfort of my own home by myself. i still feel intense guilt, like i am disappointing someone and they will need to find it somewhere else if i cant give it to them, if i cant fuck for them. because i'm broken. ive yet to ever have sex again, still. i've yet to EVER get that close to anyone again emotionally because im scared of hurting and being hurt again. i dont hate her. i especially dont hate her now. i hope she has found some true peace and happiness somewhere after so much hurt in her own life from other people. i'm just sorry that i ever had to get caught up in any crossfire and did some damage myself. i'm ages away from the person i used to be, i know for a fact i am better now, but i still mourn for the person i was before i was ever with her. i often wish we had never been together, or i wish we had ended it sooner. i wish i had ended it when i went through her skype and found out she cheated on me, or after one of the friends she tried to cheat on me with told me about a time that she tried to kiss her before we even talked about polyamory at all. i hate to say that she forced herself on people, because i know the weight that carries for anyone in her demographic. but she forced herself on me. and others. while we were together. i would’ve dumped her that night but that was literally the night before my great grandma’s funeral. we should have broken up when we couldnt reach an actual hard agreement or reasonable terms about being polyamorous, so that the cheating would have never even happened. i look back on things i used to say to her and do to her, things i had forgotten about completely because i blocked so much out, and im disgusted with myself. but i looked back on things she used to say to me, too, things she used to threaten about the people around me, even her own pets. telling me she was going to kill her rabbit because he was making noise. i understand being triggered by my own cat but i have never been that fucking low to threaten that, not even think it. i knew she’d never actually hurt anyone, but god we fucked each other up. i still feel like i’ve never actually owned my body, had my body, felt my body, even before she was with me. i was molested continuously by a friend growing up. i couldnt say no then. no was “convince me” then too. then it just continued with her, however many years later. i couldn’t comprehend the hurt i was going through at her hands so i lashed out. every fucking day. i still feel like a monster sometimes, or like i was the one that dealt the most damage, but what the fuck does it matter? i’m still hurting so badly, still feeling the physical affects 4-6 years later. i’ve still never gotten that close to anyone ever again. i dont know if i ever will. i dated one person after that, only got to kissing and felt nothing. i’m dating someone now, but we have yet to kiss, and like i said, i’m not nearly as close to her as i was to my ex. because i am so fucking afraid and traumatized. and yeah, some of that is on me. maybe even half or more. i dont know. but the first time we ever did anything sexual, i was on my period. she kept wanting to finger me. i kept saying no, because i bleed a lot, and i didnt think it would feel good. she kept going anyway. i had to go home by myself and clean off my shorts and my underwear and then go back to her house with changed clothes. i said no. she did it anyway, and got blood all over my clothes, and then i had to deal with it alone. dont get me wrong, there were still so many times where it was consensual, even daily at some points, but something changed after a while. maybe it was because i was on antidepressants, but the second our libidos werent lining up anymore, she had to start coercing me again. though i think it happened even before i was on meds too, since the first time she did anything with me i wasnt on meds. there were times where i would even move her hands away from me. physically move her hands off of me, and she would just go right back at it. she did not accept no. she didnt give a shit if she had to convince me for an hour for flimsy “consent.” and even then, even when i would give in, sometimes my body would just shut down. my vagina wouldnt let her in. of course there were other ways to do things, but it would get painful. because i didnt want it. and my body was done. i remember her stopping those times, at least. i think. but it got to the point where she would start touching me sometimes and i would panic, because i knew the way she was touching me meant she wanted sex, and i didnt want it, and subconsciously i knew it didnt matter that i didnt want it. there is so much ive blocked out, there is so much that is a complete blur. i just remember how i felt, mostly. it all feels so fake. or like im lying to myself or the select few i’ve trusted with this. i cut off so many people from that time in my life just to be able to cope.

im just saying that she raped me now. multiple times. i hate saying that word, realizing that thats whats been done to me and she has no idea. that im still the bad guy the abusive one when even from the first time we did anything sexual it was coercive

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supersecret10000 · 8 years ago

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like if you read

regarding the person who im just another ex to now. the person who pretends i never existed in her life. the biggest turning point in our relationship was one new years when she told me she wanted to be polyamorous. we were drunk. i threw up and started crying. at this point, i had NO IDEA she had already tried to kiss one of our friends when they were high together. but of course, there was no compromise or ultimatum or anything. it was we had to have an open relationship and be polyam or we had to break up. so i stayed and fucking forced myself to be polyam. we set up rules and stuff. and of course she broke them and cheated on me twice because we got into a fight and she thought i didnt want to be with her anymore. second biggest mistake that we are both guilty of: we stayed together after that. we were monogamous after that. our relationship got progressively worse and worse, with me being insanely possessive, jealous, and insecure to the point where i would lash out and be passive aggressive. prying into her friendships, etc. that was me being abusive. and it fucks with me seeing that she’s regarded as perfect and amazing by her 27 girlfriends and the 300 people she’s fucked now and already has two more exes and the two and a half years we spent together every day has faded into oblivion. much less the five years we spent being best friends. going to school together, all that shit.

i swear our fights stemmed because we couldn’t ever meet in the middle or compromise. she had to get her way 100% or i wasn’t listening to her and neglecting her needs or wants. and everything i wanted and felt was unfair. the fact that i felt ANYTHING meant that i wasn’t listening to her and i was being a shitty person.

but she forced herself on me sexually a lot. so much to the point i often felt like sex was all i was wanted for and good for. its like love to her ONLY meant sex. she was hypersexual, though, and i would often be guilted because i didnt want to do it and in the beginning of the relationship we’d have sex every day. i’d often say no and i didn’t want to but end up having to do it anyway and this often led to me feeling gross and shitty, and again like she didnt actually love me, just loved fucking me. not to mention she never gave me gifts or seemed to consider me much at all. like i understand not having money, but she had the means to MAKE things for me for anniversary’s and holidays. instead i’d go overboard in getting her shit.

i gave her so much financially. my parents hate me for it. i dont blame them. i spent so much fucking money on her all the fucking time AND she lived here with me FOR FREE even AFTER she broke up with me. dumped ANOTHER person on me to live here with me for free, too, and she only just moved out so i’m finally living alone like i was supposed to. but she never made up for any of this. rarely ever said thank you or showed gratitude. i always feel like she fucking used me even though she said she loved me and i thought i had saved her from her parents.

even still, we’d still have pda and stuff that i feel like i took for granted.

but we were toxic for each other, point blank. i was made out to be the horrible abusive one though by a lot of people. i couldn’t put into words what she was managing to do to me that kind of… made the shitty things i did worse. but she wasn’t perfect. i know no one is, but she’s a fucked up person and my life is better without her. i’ve stopped trying to salvage a friendship. she wants to act like i dont exist, like i never existed, and refuses to talk to me at all and ignores me when i try to talk to her about anything. so fuck her. fuck her, fuck all the fucked up people shes dating now. i still hope she’s happier now, but they all deserve each other.

tl;dr my ex girlfriend forced herself on me sexually a fuck ton and im only just now realizing that’s fucked up

EDIT: its been about a month or whatever now and i’m seeing there’s a callout about her. dont involve me in it.

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