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[suscelo]

Mi mecanismo de defensa poco saludable es callarme y dejar de hablar si siento que no me están comprendiendo, es una falta de respeto. No me gusta repetir y no me gusta sentir que no me escuchan.

- Keren Oríah 🦋.

[suscelo]

via weheartit

[suscelo]

12:45pm

Id be lying if i sat here and said i wasnt semi excited to see you pop up on my phone, though I wasnt expecting it, it made me realize just how much i play a part in my own suffering. The easiest thing would be to pull the trigger and allow these games to begin once again, inflicted bullets through my tormented weakened heart, damage caused by no other than you. You played my love like a game of checkers and this time i finally learned to play chess. Im no longer looking to mend something i did not break, Ive learned that although ive missed parts of you, ive not necessarily missed parts of you, instead ideas of you. I fell for words and is truly where i learned that “a well done is better than a well said”. Unfortunately, unlike mine, you’re words no longer get to pray on my emotions. I was addicted to drunken words left unspoken. And allowing you in would only prove to myself that I’ve learned nothing.

[suscelo]

I was afraid for the longest to allow another soul to comfort mine.

Constantly telling myself to deny any form of affection

Told myself to never be silly or stupid enough to allow vulnerability to creep in and sweep me off my feet again.

You see, i don’t do well with Love. I never have.

Love is something I’ve always been too good at.

When i love, i love with my entire being, every single fiber in me, ready, ready to hold and comfort you on your best and worst days.

And suddenly, it leaves and like an addict, i no longer know what to do.

ive always felt my mission was to love those who have not experienced a love so innocent and sound.

I was afraid,Afraid to feel that feeling I’ve felt too often. I am afraid.

I fear losing myself in the madness and once again i have.

You see i dont do well with fluky rendezvous, but coincidentally a maestro to the frenzy chaos that’s come with you.

Ive once again allowed an egoistic soul to compromise mine.

[suscelo]

Its when you’ve reached the peak of the never ending cycle that you cannot for the life of you, even fathom the thought that better days are to come, when the music you listen to can no longer continue to soothe your thoughts and prayers. When you are just there forced to sit with your thoughts and actually acknowledge them for once. Everything hits you suddenly, your sadness and your anger thats build up for years and years, repressed, you sob. You cant help but want to end your sadness in an instant. Oh, How you wish that someone would just get it, how you wish that for once someone would just understand your sadness and maybe sometimes we dont know it and think an exchange is dialogue is all you want, to then just realize, you just want someone to listen to your screams and anger that you so beautifully disguised in a calming tone or a quick laugh, Theres a fog in your mind that you cant seem to get away from you can no longer hide from it. But you must hang in there, because you know that in a month or 2 or a random night out with the one’s-that mean the most will come and you will laugh and you will remember why you’re still around, how better days are to come, how leaving would only be selfish. I know its hard to remind yourself constantly that better days are to come, but they will, if you just believe in the madness that comes from knowing the unknown.

[suscelo]

For i cannot blame you for not knowing how to properly love me when you weren’t shown any better. How can i hate you for showing it in the only way you knew how to. The cumbersome weight of forgiveness grows as i grow older, sitting in thoughts so somber, i cant help but to feel for you. I love you, but its sucks that most moments it seems like loving you from a distance is the only way ill get to hold on to you forever. Father, forgive me for not being able to fully understand you as i know, you wont ever fully understand me and my calamitous decisions that lead me to my own destructive dismay. I am learning over and over again how to heal my father wounds, its a daily Russian roulette, but i hope that again, with time, we learn to heal the quandary locus we constantly find ourselves in

[suscelo]

Through the days smiles and laughs

You still linger

Through some of my best memories

You were still there

Creeping in the crevices

You have always remained

Sickening and weirdly twisted

I begin to feel safer in knowing that you will always be there

For there you have always been

My sadness.

You see, my sadness has become intertwined

With my thoughts and all things emotions

So much so ive become accustomed to that feelings,

You know,

The one right before bed

When im left feeling burdensome

The burst of sadness rushes in

I no longer am able to hold back my tears

I pray

I pray and beg to be left alone

But for some odd reason escaping you has become impossible

Some days at my wit’s end

Wanting to end this all

But i stay,

Cowardly.

Temptations rising daily,

Sadness for you are all ive know.

[suscelo]

“I’d say one of the biggest beauty’s in life is the beauty of loving How we are brought into this world And taught so many traditional things like Counting,walking, and talking, but love …. love is completely different We aren’t taught to love We are taught to feel, Feel and acknowledge our feelings to then Decipher what they mean to us … I guess what I’m trying to say is that love is different for all of us We create our own ideas and interpretations of this word “love” Nobody can feel what you feel We’ve developed our own concept of this word From personal experience since birth … that right there , That is beautiful”

—

Germinate

suscelo

[suscelo]

Ive become addicted to the taste of the drunken words you leave unspoken

Ive become attached to the clumsiness of your fingertips as they trace a map to my heart

Ive fallen inlove with the details of your existence that while often overlooked

Are drugs to my mind

[suscelo]

[suscelo]

We talk and i can whimper

But even then still wont make thing simpler

We have good days but mostly bad

But once i address the issue we both seem to only get mad

You talk but you dont listen

Feels almost as though trying to keep love alive is an impossible mission

Unfortunately our love is now in recession

Trying to heal my heart thats been broken

But youre love for me once the most valuable token

Tis a blessing or at least once felt like it

But once again i try to communicate yet you just cant take it

I feel my thoughts take over, again in trying to resolve our issues

But all i end up is confused,

bring me some tissues

Feeling so insecure its absurd

Like trying to escape a cave full of thoughts but not being heard

Over here questioning your integrity

When in reality all i wanted was for our love to stay a bit longer,longevity

Holding on to hope with tears running down my face

But hold my head up

still carrying myself with grace

Feeling so misplaced in my own partnership

But so do you and thats when you go start searching for it

Its days like this that i want to go to church and

Pray to the lord and ask him where it is im going

Because my heart is currently torn missing a patch in need of some sewing

But My heart is no longer mendable

So i just ask of you to please be gentle

So that our love can be extendable

All i ask is that you

Please be more comprehendable

[suscelo]

[suscelo]

I used to Love the concept of “Love”

I always thought that love was one of the most beautiful emotions a person could feel or experience

Felt like It was easy because, well, “Love”

But Love is one of the most vicious emotions that lies in our hearts

The concept of love as an emotion itself, dont get me wrong, is absolutely mesmerizing

But when envy, resentment, jealousy, and hostility begin to grow within one

Is when you know that “love” has failed you

“Love” isnt what we are constantly told by our parents

This “Love” thing, isnt at all like the movies we see

The after math of “love” is what eats at our flesh. Beginning inside till every inch of us is covered in our own insecurities

Now, While “love” is vital and something that we as humans so desperately crave and need.

Love is a gamble

Beware of it.

[suscelo]

[suscelo]

i love listening to music that makes me feel like i’m dreaming

[suscelo]

the sad thing about our love is that its a vicious cycle, it always will be, we are 2 souls so alike yet so different  each seeking the same love  yet a love so different that we often get so caught up in it, we become a knot, tugging and pulling on the ends, where we ultimately make an even bigger mess, Our love is messy our love is no longer vivacious, it has become vicious.

[suscelo]

A$AP BABE.