susi-in-her-thirties-blog - Tumblr blog

[susi-in-her-thirties-blog]

I wrote the following at the end of last year. I know it’s kind of a bummer to read but it was very much my reality. I’ve made various conscientious changes since then, but decided to post it regardless. I think it serves as a good reminder of how easy it is to get into a complacent, lazy mindset. There’s always room for improvement but I’m happy to say the last month and a half has been an improvement from where I found myself at the end of last year. 

Ideal life:

In my ideal life, I wake up at 5:45am to work out, shower, eat breakfast, put together an outfit and do my makeup. I am able to wake up at 5:45am because I haven’t stayed up until midnight watching something on Netflix. I also haven’t woken up three times throughout the night and as such I feel refreshed and well rested. My early morning tasks are a breeze to complete and getting to work on time is no problem. It is 8am, I look great and I’m ready to take on the day.

Real life:

It’s 6:55am and the alarm has been ringing. I have hit snooze approximately six times. I curse myself for watching that show that isn’t even that great to begin with. When will I learn? I drag myself out of bed, brush my teeth and throw on the same jeans I wore yesterday and an oversized hoodie. I go to the kitchen and search for something, anything that could pass as a healthy breakfast. Hey, at least I’m trying to be healthy, right? I grab whatever I can find and tell myself I will eat it before 9am, a respectable breakfast hour. On my way out I see the coffee machine. I feel bad that I didn’t wake up on time to make my boyfriend a cup of coffee before he left for another long day at a construction job. I feel guilty because I know I’ll be sitting at a desk all day. And so begins another day of feeling inadequate. I get to work at 8:15am. I park and upon realizing I forgot to look in the mirror before leaving (yet again) I try to finger comb my hair into something presentable. I give up and throw it up in a messy bun. I feel defeated before breakfast.

Ideal life:

While at work, I am focused. I expertly juggle my responsibilities and no task is left unfinished at the end of the day. My desk? Spotless. I maintain a happy, positive disposition despite dealing with some difficult characters. I don’t make obvious mistakes and I very rarely indulge in whatever tempting food may be laying around. I remember to drink water throughout the day. I am well hydrated and my complexion is visual proof. 

Real life:

I am annoyed by 10am. I’m annoyed at others and at myself. When did I become this cranky? I told myself I would apply some makeup very quickly in the bathroom but that hasn’t and won’t happen. The same cup of water has been sitting on my desk since I sat down. One of my accounts walks in and tells me I look tired. I catch my reflection on my laptop screen and trying to pat down my flyaways. On a good day I’ve made it until noon before eating chocolate. I feel uncomfortable in my clothes and resent myself for having to adjust my outfit every time I stand up. My size 14 jeans have been forgiving but they can only hang on for so long. I tell myself that I’m going to lose the weight before having to buy a size up. I quickly forget my promise and have another piece of chocolate.

Ideal life:

After work I go grocery shopping. I go grocery shopping with a list and I stick to it. Vegetables, fruits, lean meats, beans. I am the shopper with the cart everyone envies. I shop with the authority and confidence of someone who knows that she is not at all wasting money. No baby spinach leaf will go uneaten, the entire bag will most certainly not sit in my fridge until it’s time to throw it in the garbage. Mushrooms will not be a sad daily reminder of my shortcomings each time I open the fridge door and see they have wilted more with each passing day. 

At the checkout line I do not make any impulse purchases. I am far smarter than the average consumer and will not be tricked into buying something I know I don’t actually need. I do not grab a bag of candy at the last second and devour it on my way home.

Real life:

I go to Trader Joe’s because I refuse to go anywhere else. Huge grocery stores stress me out. I start off strong, making smart choices along the way. Every time I come in here I feel like maybe, just maybe, there is hope for me yet. I pick up the healthy stuff and maybe a few not so healthy things. If I can’t wake up early enough to make Tyler a cup of coffee I can at least buy him a damn bag of chips. The guy deserves it. I tell myself I will not partake. Right.

At the check out lane I buy the candy. The check out girl correctly assumes I will eat it on my way home and hands it to me directly instead of adding it to the bag. It’s chocolate. It’s peanut butter. It’s perfect. 

Ideal life:

When I get home I’m still in go mode. I put the groceries away and start dinner. Tyler gets home and cooks with me, we’re having a great time just being together. Dinner is perfect, not at all dry and has the perfect balance of vegetables, fats, grains, proteins and whatever else was on that food pyramid they showed us in school. Is that even still a thing? I think I remember reading it’s no longer a pyramid. In any case, dinner goes off without a hitch. We wash as we go along making cleaning up super easy. Tyler eats his perfectly balanced meal and we retreat to the couch where we can relax and enjoy a cup of tea together. 

Real life:

I get home and sit on the couch for about fifteen minutes before I put away the groceries. I prepare some sort of meal and the only balance I’ve struck is that half of the meal is homemade and the other half is something pre-packaged. Tyler gets home from working overtime and showers away whatever dirt he’s accumulated throughout the day. He offers to help but I tell him to sit down. He talks to me while I finish cooking and we sit down for dinner. This is easily the best part of every day. We finish dinner and stay up way too late watching something on Netflix.

Repeat.

[susi-in-her-thirties-blog]

Losing 30 at 30

This is where I am in life: I’m thirty years old, thirty pounds overweight, balancing three jobs, a relationship, and a toddler every weekend. 

Strange as it may sound, I’m okay with most of this. I enjoy working and staying busy, my boyfriend is an incredible person and partner, and his daughter is an awesome little girl. 

So, all of that is okay. What isn’t so okay is that I’ve “committed” to dieting approximately twenty times in the past 4 weeks and my pockets are currently lined with Lindt truffle wrappers from yesterday. I’ve been a Weight Watchers member for a few months, lost twelve pounds and gained six back. I have a personal trainer once a week but haven’t pushed myself to work out otherwise, despite having workout equipment. I have all the puzzle pieces but I haven’t had the energy or the motivation to put them all together. 

In addition to feeling spectacularly pudgy, I’ve settled into what some may call looking “comfortable”. Not the effortlessly chic comfortable. More like the ill fitting jeans, over sized hoodie, hair in an unintentionally half up/ half down style, “she looks like a mess” comfortable. I’m not saying that being overweight and looking great are mutually exclusive, but this is where I find myself. 

It’s not looking so good.

I have two options: fully commit to becoming the frumpy, overweight version of myself or find the resolve to become the best version of myself. I’m thinking the latter.

I’m starting this blog because I feel that writing helps me sort out thoughts and feelings. I’ve also realized that trying to keep others positive helps me stay in a similar mindset as well.  So here’s to getting it together, staying positive and losing a pound for every year of my life so far!