sutoned-blog

[sutoned-blog]

grabs him by the tie and kisses him /:

“ . . . !! ”

He could easily count hishappy memories with one hand.

A few vague recollectionsof quality time spent with his parents, being congratulated for his progress onthe institution, having the kids over there approach him once the adultsallowed them to. He remembered very well, they made him feel human – normal,whatever that even meant in a world full of freaks. And of course, anotherhappy moment would be Hibiki.

Not meeting him or growingclose to him, neither the late night rambling nor how he always took his food,but just Hibiki in general. Everything about him, everything they did together.From the way he called him Jun-chanto how he treated him like his quirk wasn’t life threatening.

There was only one thingabove him, one he often felt guilty for placing it as something more specialthan Hibiki himself . . .

Being pulled down from histie, closing the small gap of height and distance between them to lock lips,eyes widened slightly whilst face grew hot in an instant. He doubted he’d getused to this any time soon, as it was literally a dream come true.

That last thing he placedabove Hibiki was, in fact, his lips. He wanted to make it less evident how muchhe enjoyed them, but he couldn’t help it. He felt as if yesterday all would goback to zero, fearing that he wouldn’t be able to touch him for years again.So, he tried to enjoy every little moment with him as much as he could . . .and it wasn’t that hard.

He eagerly returns the gesture,a hand cupping Hibiki’s face as he deepened the kiss. His heart beat so fast hethought it’d burst out of his chest at any moment, and his hand still shookagainst Hibiki’s skin along with his legs and yet, he wouldn’t pull away. It’dbe a waste to do that, when he knew he could stay like that a little bit longerand memorize the texture of Hibiki’s lips, the feeling of being kissed by him,touching him and just having both their bodies so close without feeling anyfear.

And when he does pull away,he keeps the close distance between them. A mistake, it was too tempting tolean in again. A wide smile spread across features and he licked his lips, bitand pressed them in a poor attempt to maybe hide a little bit how happy he was(it was too cheesy, even for him) as he stared at the other softly, loweringhis gaze from time to time. Even Jun could feel embarrassed . .  . sometimes. “So, what’s the occasion?” Hewhispered, his thumb rubbing the other’s cheek briefly as he spoke. God, I’m sogay.

[sutoned-blog]

First, there was fear. Hard hitting, cold, crippling fear that took no time in crawling from the tip of his toes to his neck, wrapping its fingers in everything it reached as it crawled up his shaking body; tightening around his heart, around his lungs, squeezing the air out, around his throat, muffling his voice. Then, there was a brief denial, hopelessly trying to cling onto the idea that maybe – just maybe this was a nightmare, a vivid one at that. He had them before; they’ve been the same scenario over and over again, sometimes even worse, where everything around him would look fine but it’d be soon followed by the dread, panic and terror of having his friend meet the same end his parents did. He feared them, yet did his best to discard them; putting effort into controlling his quirk to overcome then and become able to do what was taken away from age six. At times, they couldn’t be contained in form of nightmares and followed him to his daydreams, to his daily routines, they made him use gloves and extra layers of clothing he’d rather not have. He hated going out for that; he hated wearing so many clothes when the sun shone down with fury against the pavement.

It wouldn’t be surprising if this was yet another nightmare that made his way into his otherwise cheerful day, ruining momentarily the pure happiness he felt in the other’s company.

He wished it had been a nightmare. He wished it had been something temporary.

It was neither a nightmare nor a joke of bad taste that he’d brush away; it was the sudden lack of air in his lungs, the sudden sweat that framed pale features, drained of all and any color. It was how cruel how reality could be.

Pupils dilated in sheer horror, trembling as he threw his hands away from Hibiki’s, taking steps back and tripping on his own footing, rear landing loudly against the ground as he took whatever was behind and around him down with him.

That didn’t matter.

If he had broken anything, if it had sliced his skin, if he was bleeding, it didn’t matter. He couldn’t feel it. The mix of panic, disbelief and rush of adrenaline numbed any physical sensations, leaving him motionless on the ground as he stared up at his biggest fear taking its form in reality before his eyes.

Choked sounds were all he could muster up, failed attempts of saying the other’s name. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t talk, and he couldn’t breathe. What have I done? I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. His heartbeat accelerated with every second, eyes following the path of death he had unleashed upon his friend’s body.

Fingers contracted, nails scratching against the floor as hands balled into fists. Not him, everyone but him. That thought perturbed him. ‘No one at all’ was what he meant to think, but the clusterfuck his thoughts had become had no time to correct whatever swirled wildly in a sea of anxiety and fear.

“ H—-hi—–hi … ” Tears welled in bespectacled, horrified features. Head shook slowly, brows knitting as a shaky hand ascended to reach out for the other but quickly held back. Not again, never again. This is what caused it. I am what caused it. And the fact that it shocked him this much that it had happened made him want to slap himself, beat himself up or shove hands in the shattered glass; why am I surprised? Did I think I was safe? That Hibiki was safe around me? How desperate was I to lie to myself like that everyday?

He wanted time to stop, to go back in time before he had touched Hibiki, before they had entered the room, before they had shared bento in the school yard, before they met, before he came to Japan. He wanted to eliminate himself from Hibiki’s life to keep the possibility of this happening ( along with what unraveled before him ) ever.

(Leaves a random note here I wanna rewrite this but instead u get what I wrote at 12am)

He wanted this to be happening to him instead, he wanted to meet the same fate his parents met and end it there. No one else would be hurt. He’d be with his family. No one else he loved would be killed, ever. But the world did all but care about what he wanted; it did everything against what he wanted instead. Had it been otherwise in the past, and he would’ve been labeled as an unrepairable danger, a threat to the society of upstanding heroes where a needy, neglected kid that wielded such a dangerous quirk without self-control would’ve been sent straight behind bars, or to hung in front of people, or hunted down with the order to shoot to kill if he had dared to escape in hopes to live his life at the cost of the ones he’d taken.

Why couldn’t things go the way he wanted?

Endless streams of tears blurred his eyesight and his name was sobbed out ( Hibiki, Hibiki, Hibiki, Hibiki, I love you, forgive me, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Hibiki ), it left him breathless; thousands of memories flashing before him – as if it was his the one that was ending – and it fell like a heavy weight on top of shoulders, crushing him and his will in a fraction of a second.

Mamoru was right; he chanted it on his head. I should’ve left him alone. I shouldn’t have gotten involved with anyone. I should have listened to Mamoru.

(u kno his parents r dead well mamoru is like his moms bro n u kno he took care of him n stuff XD but fuck mamoru)

The privilege of having friends … the privilege of loving someone, it wasn’t something he could fancy himself with and he was foolish to even try to believe he could at some point. The way the answer to those thoughts of him presented itself in front of him was a brutal strike to whatever trust he had managed to build with several visits to the therapist and intense practice sessions.

He needed to stop it.

Unlike before, he now knew he could turn things back to normal. He could do it. He had to. If he couldn’t right now, he wouldn’t sleep until he’d be able to, no matter how hard his body asked him to stop, no matter if he had pushed his limits’ limits to the point he coughed blood and wheezed for air. He had to bring him back to normal.

“ I—I—I’m—I’m s—s-so—rry—I— ”

Jun managed to get up to his feet, trembling hands desperately yet hesitantly making contact with the parts already turned to stone ( afraid to make it worse, he hated his hands, he hated his quirk, he hated himself ), hoping to see the grey disappear to reveal Hibiki’s skin tone beneath it.

Please. He begged one last time to whatever almighty, omnipresent figure was watching.

He imagine said figure enjoyed the despair of the lowlife creatures humans were in its eyes, causing wars and misery from the beginning of their existence for the sole purpose of having them serve as entertainment.

Of course, it didn’t work.

His heart skipped a beat and more tears soaked his face. Eyes tried to look at everything but Hibiki’s face, fixed on the stone that had the soft hands he’d previously held. Lips quivered, barely able to keep weak, helpless cries to escape his throat. He wanted to scream for help, but there was no one that could fix this but himself.

It can’t be like this, it can’t be him. He has to grow up, become a hero, save people, he has siblings that are waiting for him. What am I going to tell them? It can’t be like this. This isn’t real. This can’t happen, it just can’t. He has a long road before him, I can’t just—I can’t just take it all away from him like this. Why—–Why did I prioritize my needs for affection over his safety? What the fuck am I?

He knew the answer, yet he heard Mamoru’s voice spell it out for him; a monster.

Why was this happening?

Minutes ago they’ve been close to each other, Jun had reached out for Hibiki’s hands and Hibiki didn’t reject his touch as anyone else would’ve normally done. Instead, he accepted it; almost gladly Jun would like to believe. How wonderful would it be, to have someone like you back and not be afraid of you? Laughter and smiles were all they heard, happy conversations while poking fun at each other creating a peaceful atmosphere around them, peaceful enough for Jun to believe it was safe to touch him.

They had had a moment of intimacy and Jun couldn’t keep his hands from moving, skin aching for contact, his heart screaming to try and express what he felt with more than words. Silent caresses seemed more fitting. A lifetime of having words as his limit had led him to think they had become nothing but superficial, that he could not convey what he felt with a mere string of well-organized thoughts or a mess of stuttered incoherencies. He needed contact, he felt selfish.

It was clear to him that what he needed didn’t matter, it never had, and he cursed himself with the foulest vocabulary he knew for having to witness this in order to fully believe that his needs were indeed of no relevance and they could never be.

His need killed heroes before, and it now killed a future hero.

How could he ever think he was worth of someone else’s affection when he had been the cause of the misery of many by taking away heroes that belonged not to him but the world? When did he become this selfish? He thought it was Hibiki who had made him weaker, but quickly discarded that thought. I can’t blame him for my own lack of self-control.

He shook his head again, closing eyes tightly.

It reached his neck.

Left hand pressed against his mouth, muffling his agony as the all too familiar color took over Hibiki. How could he be so calm? That was surely a lie, one of the façade he was a master at displaying. The fact Hibiki did it for his sake only sharpened the pain, and he swore he could hear his heart break, shattering into pieces. He hoped it was the only thing that would break. He wrapped hands around Hibiki’s shoulders, hard and cold as stone, making sure he wouldn’t fall once it was over. His head leaned closer, hanging low as he bit down lower lip hard enough to tear through skin.

“ I—-I lo—-”

I love you, I love you, I love you so much. And I’m desperate to have you hear it and to hear you saying it back. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I should’ve never come to Japan.

He couldn’t say it. He still had time but he couldn’t. Him, as the monster who killed Hibiki, couldn’t hope to have the right to have those as his last words to him. Hibiki deserves better. Someone he won’t be afraid of, someone who can show their love to him, someone who isn’t a killer.

“ I’m sorry. ”

He hated it was his pathetic, cracking voice the last thing Hibiki would hear.

Apologetic words were repeated over and over again, head falling onto their shoulder, staining the rock, cold surface with the nonstop stream of tears. He heard the door open, but didn’t dare to turn his face whoever had walked in. Kinzoku, he recognized soon after. Fingers clutched desperately what he hoped would start feeling like cloth again as he carefully wrapped his arms around Hibiki, shoving his face all he could into their shoulder. He couldn’t face them, he couldn’t dare to do it. He took their brother away from them, he took Hibiki away from his family – one could say Jun killed him, if we believed as a fact that he would never fully master his quirk.

Even if he did, who knows how many days, weeks or even years Hibiki would lose of his life due to a careless mistake on behalf of his friend?

Jun hates himself.

Jun sees himself as a killer.

Jun loves Hibiki but will leave his side to protect him from himself aka hes gonna pull a killua kind of 

returns hibiki to normal w his filler-looking sister

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE_oH1PN77U

[sutoned-blog]

gently takes his gloved hand and kisses the back of it softly.

         he allows it ( with him, always ) and eyes soften, lips hinting to stretch into a smile. it brought a good feeling inside him, but it barely showed through his expression what it actually meant to him. instead he’d remain motionless, hand holding onto hibiki’s as lips kissed cloth. his gloves … he wished hibiki had taken them off, but while he wanted that he still knew he wouldn’t do it himself nor he’d let him; even with gloves, his heart raced, taking more of the trust he barely had in himself when he was calm.

         fingers squeezed hibiki’s hand, eyes fixed on the other. he didn’t want to let go, he didn’t want this to end. this kind of attention, to taste the loving caresses he yearned for made him desire for more but years of isolating his cursed body from other’s trained him to not lose control over a small ( yet it meant the world to him ) moment of tenderness, like this one for example. nonetheless, knowing he should not do more than hold onto his hand, he still wondered how would it be, what could happen afterwards, how would it feel. he wondered if the funny feeling inside him would grow with every touch, if his heart would beat faster and if he’d ever reach a point of having enough, of being satisfied to go years without it.. but he wouldn’t know, after all he should stay like that: still, motionless, fighting every urge he had to press hibiki’s hand against his face, to return the kiss with one of his own — it was hard.

         of course he had learned how to keep his hands to himself, but that didn’t mean it was easy. much less if it was someone who meant as much as hibiki did to him. it was hard, it was harder than hard, it was almost impossible and it was taking him every ounce of will and every thought of what would happen to take the other’s hands to his lips.

         he shut tightly his eyes, his head lowering as he inhaled deeply. his grip unconsciously tightened around hibiki’s hand, nails digging into their skin, and it took a moment for jun to realize it could be painful for his friend. as soon as he came back from the depths of his mind, his fingers loosened and he muttered an apology. i need to pull myself together. he realized, looking through barely open eyelids, he had brought hibiki’s hand too close to his face; a brief moment of weakness that could’ve costed him everything. and he wanted to blame the other for making him so weak, but he could only laugh at that thought. it’s because you’re so needy, jun. you say you’re fine with everyone being wary of you, wearing these gloves but you aren’t. he swallowed dryly, eyes closing again once he felt the back of them burn with the threat of sentimentality.

          “ sh … ” it was unusual for him to swear, but even then half of it had been muffled by a heavy exhale. he wished hibiki hadn’t done that ( he knew that was a lie; he loved that he did it and he hated himself for not having full control over his quirk, his emotions yet ) and maybe, just maybe it would be easier to breathe, to keep himself from doing what he knew he couldn’t. while he was flooded with sorrow and a desire to hold the other, he limited himself to intertwining his fingers with hibiki’s. he realized too late he was too clingy but he wouldn’t let go now, he couldn’t even if he wanted to. he needed to hold his hand — no, jun needed to have his hand held.

          “ no – no, i’m sorry. i’m sorry. thank you. i – that was nice. thank you. i’m not – like this ‘cause i didn’t like it, no. i loved it. ” a breathy laugh escapes him, he throws his head back. “ i mean, yeah, you know — you know …”  you know what it means to me. “ —-thank you. that’s – probably the 5th time i say it. ” his voice cracks, he moves as if he’s going to take a step closer but stops himself, balancing himself back into his place almost clumsily. it could’ve been just what it was, innocent affection, but he ruined it and still clung onto the traces of it desperately as if it was a drug he was hopelessly addicted to. perhaps, he should really let go. “ sorry. did i hold your hand too hard? i … don’t know what – what happened. ” he brought his gloved hand to his chest, fingers still laced to hibiki’s ( barely even trying to let go ) as he pressed his hard against his heart. it was too fast. immediately, he tried his best to go over the steps to follow when these kind of things happened; trying to breathe in and out, deeply, and get rid of any thoughts that had provoked this. and he did it, albeit for a moment, but he did follow every step and he did try to calm down but it seemed this fast pace of his heart was because of something else. something that wasn’t what could be controlled with what he was taught. that, or it had reached another level. 

          it hurt. his heart ached with longing mixed with something else. it hurt, but it was a type of hurt he could get used to. he always did.  

          “ i’m sorry – ” it amazed him how he still kept the tears in, but it was obvious they were barely one step away from pouring out in endless streams. “ that was … weird. just – ” he hoped it wouldn’t drive hibiki away from doing it again another time, or from just touching him in general. “ i, uh  … ” how can he put it into words? that he didn’t want hibiki to think he had done something wrong, or that he had disliked it, or that it had triggered him. that he wanted him to do it as much as possible. is that too much? am i exaggerating? 

       the sensation inside him spread over to his whole body. hand pushed his glasses up, then fingers hooked inward the collar of his shirt as if to fix it. hand fidgeted with what it could until it rested as his side, gloved fingertips curled and pressing against his palm. he thought of taking a step closer again but didn’t: first he had to make sure his reaction hadn’t fucked everything up.

        “ can i —- ” heartbeats became faster. he was sure he could hear them hitting hard against his chest, so much it cut off his words. “ can i hold your hand? ” he choked it out, holding hibiki’s gaze with difficulty as a sheepish smile ( forced, most likely ) appeared on features, brows furrowing together slightly. this doubt felt uncharacteristic of him, for he trusted hibiki and believed ( right now, hoped ) that he would stay with him no matter what. it even sounded logical, given all they’ve been through and the time they’ve been together. yet, at this instant, he still feared that the answer that might come after what happened – after the unnecessary, dramatic angst he started —, he feared that hibiki might think of him as dangerous after seeing that he can barely control himself and all this fear was clear on his movements, words and his unsteady gaze ( going from one thing to another then back to hibiki’s ).  

        for a moment, jun regretted asking that instead of shrugging off everything and going back to their normal conversations, laughing off the awkwardness.

[sutoned-blog]

studies show your pupils dilate when looking at something you love

[sutoned-blog]

[sutoned-blog]

Are you related to Yoda ? Cause YODALICIOUS ;))))

[sutoned-blog]

But I have infinite tenderness for you. I always will. All my life long.

Blue Is the Warmest Colour, Dir. Abdellatif Kechiche (via wnq-movies)

[sutoned-blog]

I'm scared that you're not real, that you're a dream and I have to wake up.

       words hinted at so much more, hidden meanings covered beneath thick layers of narcissism, an act for the audience that dropped when there was none ( when he stopped being one of the crowd, it made him happy ) and yet, as soon as he had broken the silence, it still weighed his heart down, shrinking it before he had even been able to process them when they still lingered in the darkness.

        “ . . . ” he hesitates, wishing to say something - anything that’ll lessen the pain, that’ll lick his wounds but he can’t quite put the right words together. in fact, he doubted he could even muster the right reply, not even if he was given hours or days. this was one of the things you just accepted in silence, but that wasn’t enough for him. 

        jun closed the distance slowly ( i’m real ), shoulder leaning against hibiki’s and gloveless hands hesitant in their approach only to stop midway. anxiety was what caused it, not sadness; he wasn’t sure if this was a mix of both, one where we couldn’t get rid of the former without drowning the latter. in a futile attempt to do it either way, he inhaled deeply. i can’t just let him say that and stay quiet. he took off his glasses, being close enough for him to see hibiki without needing them, and remained in silence as he stared at his friend. gaze soft but unwavering, brows furrowed in the slightest in the shadows underneath light bangs.

       “ i’m here, i’m real. ” hand hovered over hibiki’s, “ and i’m also afraid. ” of something different, of course, but he couldn’t bring himself to voice his fears when being so close of having them come to life ( by taking his ) should he make one single mistake. “ i’m real . . . ” a pause, “ hey. ” lips parted for an abrupt exhale, the corner of his mouth twitching upwards at how ordinary that was. 

[sutoned-blog]

     he’s praying for the safety of that controller. “ good luck. don’t break anything. ” 

             IS this the smile of SOMEONE that wants to give UP? miku is GOING down. right here, right NOW.

[sutoned-blog]

shoves him over. gently - just enough to make him stumble a little. throws their jacket over his face and leans over and kisses his cheek. ❛ you're a dumbass, jun-kun. i hope you know that. ❜

      “ that’s me, the dumbass. ”

     it’s a quick thought, but he wonders of what kind of shoving their brothers would get, if it ever got out of hand - or annoying - for anyone. he finds himself barely asking himself if his personality would be different had he been an older or younger brother ( i wouldn’t have been alone, it’s a hopeful thought of a better life and yet it doesnt last. would i have killed them, too? ) before he brushed it away. “ ahah . . . ” once he’s sure they won’t close in like that, without any warning, he pulls the jacket off him. 

[sutoned-blog]

gently headbutts his shoulder. that would be their 'can i borrow your phone to play love live' signal.

    “ here. ” barely even holds his phone, pinched between thumb and forefinger while handing it to her. even with gloves, he’s this careful. “ i haven’t played in a while. ”

[sutoned-blog]

    not really. how about you  take a small break? the light has already left your eyes.

sutoned: those are the eyes of a broken man

            WANNA try, ishi-kun?

[sutoned-blog]

[sutoned-blog]

mediates. pokes ur hand. holds ur pinky finger w my own. im getting there

Why would you go this far? He looks down at their linked fingers and feels the panic Jun had successfully willed away and wonders, with dry, dry humour, how dreadfully ironic it was that the boy who greedily demanded all eyes on him is the one who’ll shy away from the smallest shows of genuine affection. Except this was anything but trivial. It was everything. Jun’s aversion to touch, his trauma he works to live with, his fear that he’ll never control his ability and be the catalyst of another tragedy, the concentration he applies now for the sake of his friend ——— Am I truly important enough for you to push yourself this way? ( Do I deserve it? )

He doesn’t understand this and it scares him ( but he doesn’t move away, instead returns the touch with no hesitation, and he is…happy ). His heart is racing fast enough to halt his breathing ( and it is with well-practiced willpower alone that he forces himself to calm down; no use unconsciously activating his quirk and causing an accident ), but he maintains his composure with a breathy laugh, no stranger to masquerading. His trembling hand, however, tells the truth his face denies.

            ❛ You don’t have to do this, you know? I don’t need to be coddled. ❜

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illusiionary

teasing. you're way too sensitive, ishi.

maybe i am. oh, i’m not used to that kind of attention, neither.

[sutoned-blog]

illusiionary

maybe is just a way to get attention? or they are just teasing? not a big deal. ;waves hand.

well, i mean, you tell me. you were one of them, after all. is it for attention or teasing?

[sutoned-blog]

illusiionary

i get that, you fu-- silly. but i don't see the big deal of him being your boyfriend or whatever. well, not that i care.

it’s just that it seems it became a rule for everyone else to scream ‘gay’ at us if even look at each other for one second. it’s weird, since we don’t do that to other people.