suttersdiary-blog

[suttersdiary-blog]

30.01.2016

im still so scared about money. ive been having a lot of nightmares and decided to keep a dream journal. he's so fucking beautiful.

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29.01.2016

he kissed my hand today. it killed me.

tuition due in 2 days and i dont have enough money. 

nonna is going to have her hip operated on.

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Needed to update the me page

[suttersdiary-blog]

20.12.2015

hello diary,

i often find myself wondering how the world will end. although if we don’t manage to make it to the end of the sun’s life, in an approximate 5 billion years, it is still unlikely that the world will end during the time i will be alive. i do however, feel scared for the humans that might be alive during that time. it can only be assumed that science will predict the end, giving every person alive a definite and irrevocable expiration date. i wonder how many people will commit suicide the avoid the potentially painful end. 

last night i went to a birthday party, and it was nice. i didn’t know very many people there and the people i did know were younger than me, but i actually had some good conversations. something that struck me as sad though, was as i was telling a story about my drunken escapades, is how uncomfortable i am sharing those things with relatives, particularly my parents. the resounding discomfort with the others is the fear that they will tell my parents.

i haven’t told anyone in my family about my tattoos and so far during my break i’ve hid them well. i plan on keeping my parents in the dark as long as possible, knowing how upset they will be. i really wish they would be more open minded. 

i’m aware that money doesn’t buy happiness but it would be so lovely to be financially stable. i don’t need much, just enough to pay for school/loans. i’ve spent the majority of my life living in a state of near poverty. i know i’m incredibly lucky for what i have and millions of people would kill to be in my situation, but i can’t help but wish.

i’m really tired of people leaving, but i think the worst is when they leave without a goodbye. i can’t stop them from leaving but all i want is to feel not so insignificant that i don’t deserve at least a goodbye. 

thanks for listening and if you stumbled upon this, have a great day. 

sincerely,

sutter   

[suttersdiary-blog]

18.12.2015

hello diary,

it’s nice to meet you. i think we should get acquainted, so i’ll give you a quick rundown of myself. my name is sutter and i’m 18 years old. i go to university in montreal, canada, and i study film. i’m a fucked up individual and my mind never ceases to terrify me, neither does the nature of human beings. however, i do believe that the world is a beautiful place and each individual should be cherished, and i want to know all their life stories. i want to travel everywhere and see everything. i also think that all lower case letters represent my thoughts better, for a reason that is unknown to me. 

it’s christmas break. in a week it will be christmas and i’m excited but disappointed at the speed that this break has passed. it has almost been two weeks that i’ve been home. i came home early because i had a bad trip on shrooms and my parents found out and the positive life that i had been carving for myself has begun to crumble, and im back in the shadowy land of sadness that i have spent so much of the last 6 years of my life in. i am anxious to go back to montreal but i also wish to get out of here, and my parents, particularly my father, does not seem to be very welcoming of my presence.  

i told my parents about my suspicions regarding borderline personality disorder and the probability that i am included in the statistic of individuals affected by it. i was hesitant to mention it, as they have repeatedly expressed distaste for “labeling” things, and a close-mindedness in regards to mental illnesses. i was surprised to find that while they did dislike the label, they recognized the symptoms in me and believe that it describes me to a t.  

my absolute biggest issue at the moment is money. what i hold in my bank account currently won’t be sufficient to support me past january, and i am absolutely terrified of what will happen. i absolutely must find a job but i am not hopeful that it will last me until may. i will most likely need to resort to desperate measures. 

the song that i am currently in love with it “bigger than us” by white lies. i think i should start reading a book, i will most likely choose “shiver” by maggie stiefvater. i have found myself yearning for a romance much like the ones found in books but i have accepted that the majority of boys i will meet who express a remote interest in me are looking for nothing but sex.

if you somehow stumbled upon my blog, i wish you a wonderful day.

sincerely,

sutter