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We all know

 I use tumblr to vent. I like to write my thoughts so I can reflect so feel free to ignore. Read and relate, whatever.

I do not think I am ugly. Sometimes I don’t think twice about my appearance. But like most girls, it is the #1 thing I struggle with on a daily basis. 

Starting 9th into 10th grade I dated a guy named Alex. He was a Sk8ter Boi and he loved longboarding so of course I had to buy one and participate. Alex was super into scene girls, and quite honestly I was the opposite. I had blonde hair and was your average/ preppy girl. He made a lot of remarks about my appearance and I felt self conscious all the time. I remember in the dead of summer we would go longboard for hours around neighborhoods and I would be wheezing without my inhaler and he would tell me how out of shape I was. Even after telling him I had asthma he would say it’s not an excuse. We would get in the car and he wouldn’t turn on the AC because the more we would sweat the more weight I could lose. I finally was pulled out of that relationship by a guy named Jose. I don’t remember ever feeling that self conscious around him, I had snapped out of it and started to feel better about myself. 

Then, 10th grade happened. My best friend was friends with a guy named Chris and he had said on and on how he thought this girl Kait was so annoying and stalking him. Chris then started dating said Kait and dropped my best friend. Of course 7 years ago in 2010 Facebook was at it’s prime and 15/16 year old me thought it was fun to write on peoples walls. I remember me and my best friend were sorta talking about Chris so he would see it and because kait was a redhead I had wrote something like “Too bad he’s dating a firecrotch’. BIG MISTAKE. I have no idea why but Kait and Chris lit me UP. They spammed my facebook page with wall posts saying I was fat and ugly and this and that. (Mind you in all the scenarios I was probably 130 lbs, which to me is NOT overweight when I look back at  myself I wonder what I was so self conscious about.) 

They uploaded fake BMI test’s and would put my weight in at 170lbs and my height as 5′1 and it would say overweight, then they would screenshot the post to my wall. They would use paint and crop my face onto farm animals and upload the pictures online. 

That was the lowest I’ve ever felt about myself and I to this day will NEVER get over that. I hate feeling like someone ‘won’ or ‘made me feel a way’ but 16 year old me will NEVER forget that time. 

I moved on and kept dating Jose, around year 4 I started crossfit and I felt the best ever about myself. But closing in on year 5, I found out he had been cheating on me with a blonde girl who was probably a size 2 and my self esteem went out the window. 

I spent the next months blaming my weight for everything. I remember he gave me a ride home one time and I was like ‘Yeah i’ve lost 5 pounds’ like it was a real great thing or something. 

All n all, lately I have felt lower than ever about myself. I think I just go through phases. Some weeks I will feel 100% I will eat right, I will take a run, I’ll drink water--- The next week I’m eating chips at midnight and drinking 5 Dr. Peppers while spooning out ice cream. I eat my problems away and I turn to food as comfort and although I know it has to stop I continue to binge eat. 

I’m hoping a month from now, or two, or three, I will read this post and be able to say ‘Wow Chels you were so silly for this you look great’ and hopefully not ‘wow Chels you hit the nail on the head and still did nothing about it. LOL accountability.

Amazingly enough, at least this time I am with a guy who loves me exactly the way I am. He has told me more than once that I am beautiful the way I am and leaves the decision of change completely up to me. How wonderful it is that God blessed me with a man who counteracts the one problem I consistently have in my life with love and affection.  

Alright enough of this! --GOODNIGHT

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I’m just not meant to find home, I can’t be loved by anyone

Capsize- Spent (via vongriffis)

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